SEAL Team 6, you may recall, is the unit that stormed Osama bin Laden’s compound and killed him. You may have also seen that they recently rescued to hostages who’d been held by Somali pirates since October. This is so amazingly bad-ass, that I have decided that I should be part of their team. But, representatives of SEAL Team 6, you may wonder is I’ve gut the stuff for it. Well, wonder no longer.
Why you should please hire me:
"The terrorist are 9.5 kilometers away! What'll we do?" "I'll handle this one, boys."
I am in astonishingly good physical condition. Here’s a picture of me crossing the finish-line of a 10 race. No, that’s not a typo – Ten. Whole. Kilometers. And I ran the whole way. Obviously, I don’t expect the rest of the team to be in that good of shape, but just know that I can handle any physical situation that comes up, up to 10 kilometers in length. Especially if there’s juice and bagels at the end.
I am a lethal weapon, not unlike the character played by Mel Gibson in that movie, The Road Warrior. I have taken multiple types of martial arts. Two, to be exact. One of them taught a move for crippling someone you’re shaking hands with. I asked why I would cripple someone I’m shaking hands with and they said, “Well, maybe you’re shaking hands with a friend and he pulls a knife. Then what would you do?” At the time I replied, “I would get new friends,” but what I should have said was, “I would realize that this is an enemy of the state and CRUSH HIM.” So, if there’s hand-shake crippling to be done, I’m ready, is my point.
And step and two and side and three and toe and back and KI-AI!!! HAI-YAHH!!!
I can be of use in highly diverse situations. I have also take a ballroom dancing class. I realize that this may not seem immediately relevant, but what about the mission where you need someone to infiltrate the fancy party and mingle and be suave foxtrot with beautiful women and then take someone out? What about that? Huh? That’s the moment you truly realize what an important member of the team I am.
Sea? Air? Land? Check. Love the ocean. Like to fly (preferably not coach, but I’m flexible). Live on land. I should think that about covers it.
I’d make an excellent team leader. You know in the action movie when the military team is moving up silently? And the guy in front raises a fist, and everyone stops and hunkers down? Then he, like, flicks two fingers to one side and everyone moves in to position? I can do that. Just make sure everyone else knows what “Two fingers flicked to the side” means.
I would only wear my shirt around the house, to social events or work. If people asked I would just say that I can neither confirm nor deny my shirt.
I can keep my identity secret. I know how important it is to remain anonymous. I’m all about secrecy. Ask anyone. Like who? Not telling. And when people bring up SEAL Team 6 in any context or capacity, I’ll just look at them intensely, maybe raise an eyebrow and say, “Oh, I wouldn’t know anything about that.” And then refuse to break eye-contact, so they see how serious I am.
So, I think that about covers it. Obviously, with the secrecy and all, I don’t expect you to contact me directly. If I don’t hear from you I’ll assume I’m, operating as a sort of covert member. If, on the other hand, I do hear from you, and you tell me that, no, I am not in and who do I think I’m kidding, I’ll understand that this is establishing plausible deniability and that I’m totally in as an even more covert member.
Thanks, and see you at the get-togethers.
February 7, 2012 at 3:45 am
In case anyone decides to ask a very short post-menopausal woman who had to take Remedial Gym in high school for a suggestion for SEAL Team 6, I will put forth your name.
February 7, 2012 at 6:25 am
I think that’s generally who they ask, so be ready!
February 7, 2012 at 3:49 am
What a co-ink-e-dink! I was just at the National U.S. Navy Seal Museum on Sunday and thought to myself…”Byronic Man would look really good in those swim trunks.”
And the place was full of guns, rifles and K-Bar knives. I left wanting to infiltrate and castrate. I think I scared the Mister.
February 7, 2012 at 6:24 am
Museums like that – if they had recruiting booths at the exit we’d have a very large – and eclectic – military.
February 7, 2012 at 3:57 am
Byronic, I’ll defer any new openings in ST6 to you… *snicker* … it’s all yours.
February 7, 2012 at 6:23 am
I’m still hoping you can get me a good deal on an M1A2 Abrams tank.
February 7, 2012 at 12:28 pm
So am I. Still looking…
February 7, 2012 at 4:28 am
I’m afraid I might have told Marky Mark your true identity, and now he’s gunning for the same position. He’s got big ideas.
February 7, 2012 at 6:19 am
If Marky Mark had been in that Somali pirate lair things wouldn’t have gone down like they did. Things went very well, but he’d have beat up every pirate in Somalia, then carried the hostage home on his shoulders.
February 7, 2012 at 4:57 am
I can’t believe you left out your writing skills! What if they need a very strongly worded letter to some fascist telling him he has been very naughty? You would be perfect. If you want to make the task a bit more interesting you could have them drop you 10km from the letterbox.
February 7, 2012 at 6:18 am
That’s an excellent point. I don’t think they even attempted to paralyze those pirates with a really good zinger.
February 7, 2012 at 4:59 am
First you wanted to be the leader of North Korea, and now you want to be a Seal. You have to decide. The guts or the glory. If you’re a head of state, people send you presents.
I nominate you for Seal team Seven. Those are the ones that know how to cross over into Narnia. I sense a special quality about you. I think you have what it takes.
February 7, 2012 at 6:16 am
If they make an excursion in Middle Earth, I’m sold.
February 7, 2012 at 6:57 am
“Especially if there’s juice and bagels at the end.” What. A. Champ. I only run when I’m being chased, and even then it’s still just a jog 🙂
February 7, 2012 at 11:39 am
Slow and steady wins the race! Though I don’t know if that applies to being chased.
February 7, 2012 at 7:00 am
That two-finger team leader flick is actually an indication of where the nearest restroom is located and what kind of facilities are available: 1 finger=open pit or secluded tree, 2 fingers=full latrine. Just ask Brain Rants.
February 7, 2012 at 11:38 am
It’s also useful for letting people know that the exits are located at the front, sides and rear of the cabin.
February 7, 2012 at 12:31 pm
All true. And, three fingers – pointed anywhere – means: “read between the lines.”
February 7, 2012 at 7:03 am
I don’t see anything about winking repeatedly when you’re asked about your affiliation with the team. How will people know you mean srs bsns if you don’t wink?!
February 7, 2012 at 11:38 am
I’m saving the winking for sending morse code messages. I guess at that point they’re more like “tics.”
February 7, 2012 at 7:19 am
Hysterical.
February 7, 2012 at 11:37 am
I should add that to why they should hire me: comic relief. (Except that in the movies, the funny guy always gets killed…)
February 7, 2012 at 7:37 am
I just saw the trailer for Men of Valor and now I want to be on a Seal Team too! You have a way better resume though…
February 7, 2012 at 11:36 am
I’ll put in a good word for you.
February 7, 2012 at 8:12 am
Wow, impressive qualifications. I had no idea you were the 007 of the blogosphere ! Now its clear why you hide your identity, you are actually protecting your loyal readers…..
February 7, 2012 at 11:36 am
Well, it would be rude to suggest you’re wrong, so I’ll just agree.
February 7, 2012 at 8:28 am
Also? If you meet an enemy of the state at a swanky party, and you don’t have the opportunity to kill them during the handshake, you can do it during the ballroom dance. I bet her name is Natasha. That’s your clue.
PS I think that guy modeling the t-shirt is wearing it backwards. I bet the Seals don’t even get t-shirts. ‘Cause it’ll ruins the down-lowness.
February 7, 2012 at 11:35 am
So I should stop wearing my “Witness Relocation” jacket?
February 7, 2012 at 8:46 am
it looks like you’ve got every eventuality covered. except… languages? what languages can you contribute?
February 7, 2012 at 11:34 am
I let my fists do the talking.
Also English and French.
February 8, 2012 at 10:16 am
You are on fi-yah, Byronic. Hmm…maybe fists of fire would be a trait they’d appreciate?
February 8, 2012 at 11:45 am
I can’t think of a job where fists of fire wouldn’t be an asset.
February 7, 2012 at 2:21 pm
Hilarious!
February 7, 2012 at 4:59 pm
Hilarious… but deadly.
Hm, that doesn’t have the same oomph as most action hero descriptions. I’ll keep working on it.
Well, thanks, though!
February 7, 2012 at 7:15 pm
Typically it takes two to Tango … but for Byronic Man, part of the Seal team … only one is needed: Byronic.
February 8, 2012 at 11:43 am
Is this your polite way of saying that, no, you won’t dance with me?
February 8, 2012 at 9:37 am
I could also be a member of a SEAL team. I can run for 5km, as long as I have frequent breaks and am given plenty of water to rehydrate.
I also speak 1.4 languages: my French only needs a bit of work…I can communicate with French people 40% of the time. If the operation requires someone to ask where the library is, or where the washrooms are, I’m on it.
February 8, 2012 at 11:44 am
Thanks to language lessons, when you go to foreign countries you really have to do things like leave your bicycle in front of the bakery of your uncle, just so you have things you can say to people.
February 8, 2012 at 10:22 am
Why is it that I couldn’t even get past the paragraph about you running to the big bagel finish line without dying of laughter? And then the two-finger flicking thing. I was gone. I would think your ability to cause coffee spraying out of one’s nose would also be a fantastic plus in your SEAL application.
February 8, 2012 at 11:47 am
Self-defense courses always teach to blind the attacker, but not nearly enough attention is given to how hard it is to physically attack someone when you’re laughing and coffee is coming out of your nose.
February 8, 2012 at 11:14 am
I tagged you – yep, yep, yep. I did. http://wp.me/pLZlt-2nI
February 8, 2012 at 11:47 am
Oh, it’s on.
February 9, 2012 at 1:08 am
That shirt.
February 9, 2012 at 6:00 am
What shirt? I have NO idea to what shirt you are referring, and will continue to deny any such knowledge.
April 5, 2012 at 5:13 am
Hilarious but I know what you mean..I know someone who works somewhere so if you want to do this something i can may be you know talk or something
April 5, 2012 at 6:26 am
Oh, I’m always up for doing things somewhere.
December 31, 2012 at 6:59 am
Now this was funny!