Are you tired to getting looks of disappointment and barely subdued loathing on Christmas morning? Constantly baffled that other people seem to find just that perfect gift for the people on their list? Are you getting ulcers worrying about what to get people this holiday, knowing that if you don’t spend enough on everyone you know that you’re a bad person and our economy will collapse?
Luckily, The Byronic Man is here to let you in on the latest Christmas gift trends! Find the perfect gift for everyone! Yes, it’s the What’s Hot For Christmas 2011 list!
Did you see the slide action on that son of a bitch? That thing is frickin' SWEET!
Butter-Churns. I’m sure you saw the news stories of stampedes and fights at Amish stores this Black Friday to get the 2012 model butter-churns. Are they as good as they say? You’d “butter” believe it! One churn and your loved one will melt with gratitude.
Massage and Cuddle Coupons for Friends and Co-Workers. Yes, it’s a new twist on an old classic. Perfect for the budget conscious! You know those love-coupons people make for their significant others that definitely don’t reek of “I’m cheap and couldn’t think of anything”? Well, imagine how pleased your buddies, colleagues and postal-carriers will be when you present them with coupons for a free hot-oil massage, or a hair-washing, or even just an evening under a blanket watching a movie of their choice. And you’ll even make the popcorn! Don’t get left out of this hot trend. I guarantee a reaction on this one.
Hot. Very, very hot. Smoking.
A Pumpkin. Look, pumpkins have been getting more and more popular all Fall, from the end of October, straight through Thanksgiving. If I’m reading this trend correctly, and I think I am, by April this thing’s going to be huge. My prediction? 2012 is going to be the year of the pumpkin.
Tickle-Me-Elmo. Residents of 1996, only.
A Bunch Of old VHS Movies, Including Several That Were Recorded Off Of TV. Seriously, make me an offer.
Oi, dad! Watch me take the star off the top of the tree! Wheee! Best Christmas ever!
A Bladed Boomerang. You Know, Like The One The Feral Kid In The Road Warrior Had. Okay, you know who wouldn’t love this one? No one, that’s who. It’s the perfect gift when you don’t know what to get, because anyone would love it! Great for cooking, a terrific time when your goofing around on a night out with your pals, kids love ‘em, and when it comes to keeping crazed hordes away from your oil refinery in the middle of a post-apocalyptic dystopia? Accept no substitute! Strongly recommended: The supplemental chain-mail glove (not included), for catching the boomerang. Helps avoid those nasty severed fingers.
Gigantic Amounts Of Money. Amazingly, this gift continues to be immensely poplar year after year. Defying all predictions of trend burnout, people just never seem to tire of receiving gigantic amounts of money. Call this gift a “can’t miss.”
A Subscription to The Byronic Man. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
The Byronic Man 
December 8, 2011 at 6:34 am
The butter churn is just hype. I don’t care what the Amish see on late-night infomercial charades. The new model’s bells and whistles make it annoying to use. Seriously. Who wants a whistling butter-churn? Avoid this year’s model and go for the 2011. A more solid bang for your buck.
December 8, 2011 at 1:53 pm
Yeah, but there’ll never be another one like the 1967 model. That thing was sweeeeeeet!
December 8, 2011 at 10:11 am
My husband really enjoyed the hot oil massage he got from his friend Bubba last year. But that pumpkin trend sounds pretty good too! Great post!
December 8, 2011 at 1:53 pm
Yeah, nothing says “guys night out” than breaking out the massage oil.
December 8, 2011 at 10:42 am
In lieu of gigantic amounts of money, how about some lotto scratch off tickets?**
**If you win, we split it.
December 8, 2011 at 1:54 pm
Sounds good. Just be sure to buy winning tickets. A lot of people don’t think to ask.
December 8, 2011 at 12:15 pm
Great minds don’t blog: I tweeted earlier that I’d asked coworkers if anybody wanted to spoon. I received no takers.
December 8, 2011 at 1:55 pm
Maybe they thought you were trying to sell them spoons. I’d keep asking, but be a little more graphic so there’s no confusion.
December 8, 2011 at 2:17 pm
I want a copy of the Director’s Cut of your new commercial. One that includes the gag reel. 😉
December 8, 2011 at 2:53 pm
The Director’s Cut is four and a half hours long. Totally necessary to explore the nuance of the subject, though.
December 8, 2011 at 2:45 pm
Byronic Man! Is that you in your shiny new gravatar (are you slowly revealing your mug to us??)? Or Josh Duhamel? (This should be obvious, but that is a compliment.)
I didn’t think anything could beat cash, but a butter churn? I could churn the shiz out of some butter. Mmm. Butter…
December 8, 2011 at 2:57 pm
That’s such a coincidence! “Churn the shiz out of some butter” is the slogan for the ’12 Churns!
And yes, that’s me, partially. I’m revealing myself gradually. Trying to start an Internet buzz over my actual appearance. It’s, um, not working.
December 9, 2011 at 7:37 am
I was thinking the same thing, Julie! When do we get to see the full face, Byron? What are you hiding from us? A monacle? pirate eyepatch? half your head is shaved? See, you are creating an internet buzz…
December 10, 2011 at 2:13 pm
Oh, man, the truth is so much less interesting… I teach and like to keep my writing life separate from my work life, so I’m being ridiculously over-cautious about hiding myself/my blog. Slllloooowwwlly I’m moving more public.
That or that’s my cover story, because my eyepatch and ornate head-shavings are just too radical.
December 8, 2011 at 5:49 pm
If I get a butter churn, the giver had better be prepared to be churned. Just saying.
December 9, 2011 at 6:15 am
I’ve gotten a number of Google search hits on the post from people looking for gift ideas. How awesome would it be if people thought, “Really? Butter churns? Okay.” Then the media picked it up, saying “It’s the recession! It’s back to basics!” And all across the globe, people this year had themselves a buttery little Christmas.
December 9, 2011 at 8:45 am
Ahaha ^^^^. I love the ways googlers find our blogs…and what they find when they click us. Personally, I will pass on the butter churner….and I think I would only find soggy, moldy pumkins around here at this time of year. As for cash SHOW ME THE MONEY! Great post 🙂
December 10, 2011 at 2:10 pm
Well, better a moldy pumpkin than to be caught out “sans pumpkin.”
December 9, 2011 at 4:13 pm
Well for Christmas this year I am giving my blog readers you, since I have given you the Versatile Blogger Award in my latest post. You may do with it as you wish – just wanted you to know I find you to be a great mix of wit and humor. Perhaps I should have given them all butter churns instead but think of all the money I am saving in postage. 🙂
December 10, 2011 at 2:08 pm
That’s very nice of you, thanks. I appreciate the vote of confidence. Just remind your readers that a Byronic Man isn’t just for Christmas, it’s for life.
December 19, 2011 at 11:29 pm
So I’ve checked the post office box .. no butter churn. when it is due to arrive again???