#OMG Rowzbud Is, Like, A Sled!

December 6, 2011

Film, Humor

Movie theaters have, as everyone knows, grown more and more desperate to lure people back to theaters in recent years.  Attendance has particularly dropped as home theaters have grown more sophisticated and less full of awful people who won’t shut up and oh my god seriously you’re going to answer your phone?  During the finale? (Truly, I was at a movie a while back and the hero was in the back of a truck and had to jump onto a speeding train, even though his ankle was wrenched, and this is their last option, if he doesn’t make it a lot of people are going to die, and his implausibly pretty wife is watching the whole thing, you know, the one he let down before so they split up, and he gets ready to jump and RING RING. “’Sup.  I’m at the movie.  I’M AT THE MOVIE.”)

"Yeah! Sixth Sense! Pretty sure Willis has been dead the whole time! Yeah!"

Anyway, movie theaters have tried everything to get audience numbers back up, from turning up the volume on the movies, to increasing the level of sound, to making movies louder.  Yet none of it worked.

Still kickin'!

Several theaters are now trying, instead – this according to a USA Today article – to start creating a special section for Tweeters.  Because that will get us back.  More tweeting during the movie.  Ah, but this time they’ll all be clumped together in one giant glowing, clicking, chiming, blue pod!  It seems to operate on the same thinking as the “smoking section” of the restaurant.  “Hey, waiter, can we have a different table?  There’s, like 30 people smoking in here.  It looks like the fog rolled in, and it smells like Keith Richards’ corpse.”  “Yes, sir, but they’re about 8 feet away from you, so you shouldn’t be able to smell a thing.  Also, sir, Keith Richards isn’t dead, and cavalier jokes like that are how rumors get started.”

If they’re going to start segregating movie theaters, though, the Tweeters are only a start. I would also like to see special sections for the following:

The parent who brought very young children to an extremely violent, disturbing movie.

The teen-agers who snuck in and seem to think they’re Ocean’s 11 because of it.

I’d say the people making out, but I guess we already have a section for them, called the back row.

The friends who will only sit next to each other with an empty seat between them, because they think that a guy sitting right next to another guy?  Gay.

The people who saw MSTK 3000 and decided that everyone would enjoy their jokes during the movie, too!

The predictors, obviously.  You know, the “Oh, he’s going in to the shed!” people.

Yes, sir, your seat's right down here.

A deep, dark pit for the guy who answered his phone.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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31 Comments on “#OMG Rowzbud Is, Like, A Sled!”

  1. Andrew Says:

    Keith Richards will never die. He’ll be the last man on the planet, de-tuning the last guitar down to that 5-string open-tuning thing he does.

    Whereupon he will play “Puff the Magic Dragon.”


  2. truthspew Says:

    Honestly most of that doesn’t bother me, just make a movie that I actually WANT to watch as opposed to remakes on remakes.

    They’re aiming for the youth market which is interesting because if you look at the demographic data for the U.S. one factor sticks out. We’re becoming a gray nation. We in the 30’s and 40’s outnumber those in their teens and twenties. So why are they still making movies catering to the latter?


  3. becomingcliche Says:

    Keith Richards is still alive. Wow.

    I would love to see a tweeting section. But they must tweet ONLY about the movie, otherwise oust those disruptive losers. Please make sure this is strictly enforced. I don’t want to know the score of the game until I get home and watch it on Tivo.


  4. A Broad at Home Says:

    What about the people who bring their own snacks. Not like a bottle of water or bag of Cheez-Its–totally guilty), but like people who bring a separate bag and start pulling out a turkey sandwich, bag of chips with salsa, whole pot roast, spaghetti and meatballs, lamb over an open flame. I know the last one’s a bit hard to believe, but there are some real crazies out there.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I forgot about them! Probably because I tend to be guilty of that one. Usually modest things, though, like water, a peanut-butter sandwich, a popcorn popper, coffee grinder and battery-powered espresso-maker, etc.


    • pithypants Says:

      Are you talking to me? Apologies. I didn’t think anyone could actually hear my the mini-chopper I use to create individual milkshake specialities.


  5. Jamie Says:

    A tweeting section. In a movie. What have you got to tweet about in a movie, except the movie? If the movies were better, there’d be something to tweet about, except you’d forget about tweeting til the end (good plan, anyway). Unless you’re in the back row, but I think the same logic applies….


  6. gojulesgo Says:

    Oh holy crap. I really, really want you to be kidding about this Tweeting section business! That is just… so… everything that’s wrong with… ahhh.

    (Don’t let this reaction lead you to believe this post was less than hysterical! You always get me laughing out loud!)


  7. angrymiddleagewoman Says:

    The last movie I saw was “The Deathly Hallows Part 2” and that was only because my daughter wanted to go . . . um that’s my story and I’m sticking to it . . . but seriously other than something I take my child to see I don’t go to the movies anymore. I’m just glad she wanted to see the Hangover 2.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      You probably just have to find a way to make her think she wants to see what you want to see. “Hey, honey, didn’t you say you were excited to see this movie about Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud? It’s the psychology movie that your favorite pop star was going on and on about.”


  8. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    Your post reads like a list of reasons I’d rather not go to the movies at all….but I’m addicted to the popcorn.


  9. jacquelincangro Says:

    I know where the special section for Tweeters and Texters should be: their couches.


  10. S. Trevor Swenson Says:

    You’ve addressed many of my pet peeves. Another one I have are the people who saunter into the film 30 minutes late and stand in front of me searching for their friends…Now the film starts at 9…there are 20 minutes of commercials ( I hate that too) then there are coming attractions…Do these people time their entrance to the theater to coincide with the films beginning?

    There needs to be an asshole section of theaters where you can bring your badly behaved children, make comments, cell phone calls etc…Just make it a 350 seat soundproof glass box and then reserve 50 seats for the people who arrive on time, shut off their phones and don’t make commentary.

    There is a time and place to ruin films, and that is online with the endings of Star Trek or Harry Potter films


  11. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Wait just a minute–Keith Richards isn’t dead? But Bruce Willis is? Damn!

    And what are these ‘theater’ places you speak of? Oh yeah, I think I remember them. Since having kids I haven’t set foot in one since Cars came out and my son threw an entire tub of popcorn on me during the previews and ran down the aisle screaming “I gotta go pee!” Now that tweeting/texting will have its own section, well there’s yet another place I am too old to go to anymore…


  12. BrainRants Says:

    I’ve always tended to think that if Hollywood actually made movies that were worth the ticket price, folks might consider peeling their asses off the sofa and going. Call me crazy.


  13. thesinglecell Says:

    I’m a little afraid that if they put ALL the predictors into one little pod, the predictions will carry volume instead of just being muttered here and there. Then again, I haven’t been to an actual movie theater in a year, and it was a year and a half before that. So maybe they’ve changed the whole culture of movie-going and I missed it.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      That might be worth the price of admission, though – listening to that conversation? “Oh, he’s going to get the snow plow!” “He is!” “Totally!” “He’s going to ram the house with it!” “That’s what I think, too!” “With the snow plow!” “Yeah, with the snow plow!”


  14. Blogdramedy Says:

    Maybe “they” are working up to releasing a Twitter film…you know, like Facebook? Except it won’t even quality for a “short” film or a “brief” movie. More like a “thong.”


  15. pithypants Says:

    Oh sure. I bet you’re going to expect other people to wear PANTS to the theater next. Has anyone ever called you Picky McPickerson?


  16. Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

    I want to especially second that last one, with a kick to the guy’s junk, first.

    Most of the movies I’ve gone to since Li’l D was born have been aggro horror movies. Which have been attended by children between a couple of months and a couple of years of age. Yikes.


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