Herman Cain in 2012: Because Life, Man, It’s Just Awful And Disturbing

October 25, 2011

Humor

Excerpts from the filming session for Herman Cain’s latest political advertisement, which many media outlets are calling “the worst campaign ad of all time.”

 

“Okay, now, lots of candidates, they get celebrity endorsements.  Or political endorsements.  Or endorsements of regular, photogenic Americans.  But I’m seeing you, Mark Block.  Because Americans want to know how Cain’s campaign manager feels about Cain.  And who better to get an honest, personal appraisal than the guy who’s job is to get him elected?”

“Now, Mark, as you’re talking, I want you to keep shaking your head, like you’re saying ‘No, no, no.’  Just keep doing it.  Because what you’re talking about is positive, right?  So it’s juxtaposition.  I learned it in film school.”

“Look, do you want to communicate fiscal responsibility or not?  Well, then, no, we’re not going to have a bunch of fancy lights and make-up and flattering angles, and scenery.  Come on, we’re going outside the credit union and filming this bad boy on my phone.”

“That was great Mark.  Let’s try it one more time, and really show me ‘dour.’  ‘Angry but so embittered by life that you’re used to it.’  Imagine, while you’re talking, that your idiot nephew borrowed your car without asking and returned it with the tank empty.”

“What?  No, we’re not going to have flags, or grain fields, or happy people.  People are tired of uplifting patriotism.  They want something different; something new.  They want a middle-aged man who looks like he badly needs to get outside and get some fresh air and exercise.  Hey, you wanted a director with vision, well you’ve got one.”

“Americans, they want to see you, Mark, smoking.  Just standing there, smoking.  Not saying anything.  Just smoking a cigarette and looking dour.  Always looking dour.  Because life, right, it just grinds you down under its boot.  We’ll cut away just before it appears you’re going to flick your ashes on the ground and spit a tobacco grind.”

“Hey, remember Rocky IV?  Man, I loved that movie.  Any chance we could have a song from that soundtrack come just blaring in from out of nowhere?  Oh, right, too expensive.  How much to record a song that sounds like it could have been on that soundtrack, except the production value wasn’t really there?”

“Okay, Cain, we’re going to end on you.  Close up, staring at the camera.  No, not like that.  Like you’re trying not to laugh because you’re in church or at a funeral or something.  Now give me a smile.  Slowly.  Slowly.  No hurry on the smile.  Slowly.  Half smile.  Little more.  Now, creepier.  Like you’re looking through a window at 14-year-old girls comparing bras at a sleep-over.  Thaaaat’s it.  Nice.  Perfect.  Now big smile, but make it look like you’ve suddenly forgotten how to smile.  Bam!  Shivers, Cain.  Gave me shivers.  Next stop, White House!”

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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12 Comments on “Herman Cain in 2012: Because Life, Man, It’s Just Awful And Disturbing”

  1. Lenore Diane Says:

    It wouldn’t be so horrible if the guy – er, I mean Mark – wasn’t smoking …. AND blowing the smoke in the face of America. Cain’s smile wouldn’t be as creepy it the smoking/smoke blowing thing was removed. *face-palm*

    Reply

    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      I know, I love that the smoke-blow is right at the camera. “That’s right America, I’m taking a smoke break in the middle of a campaign commercial. What are you gonna do about it? Nothing, that’s what.”

      Reply

  2. Blogdramedy Says:

    Thank you for confirming an opinion I’ve had for some time now…Republicans don’t have a clue, do they. While they provide me with hours and hours of entertainment, I don’t think it’s in America’s best interests to put anyone who would put his name to an ad like this, anywhere near the White House. If they haven’t learned by now that going back is not the way forward, they never will.

    And the head shaking…just made me shake my head. 😉

    Reply

  3. gojulesgo Says:

    Wow, that was amazing. I’m still kind of in shock – it was the cigarette that did me in. I think I kind of liked it. You know, the way you like really bad things.

    Also, can we talk about how WordPress wants 100 bucks to go Pro?

    Reply

    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      I know! 100 bucks! I kept looking for more services (“We will go door to door and find you 1,000 subscribers”).

      And more importantly, I’M SORRY I DIDN’T ENTER YOUR VLOG CONTEST! I couldn’t come up with a good idea, then I did, but had to go out of town and and and… I’m sorry.

      Reply

  4. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    I have a suspicion this may not be your last comment on the upcoming elections, providing something I may actually enjoy reading.

    Reply

    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      I appreciate the vote of confidence, but – fair warning – when I try to do political humor it frequently devolves into all capitals, and berzerk raving. “I hate them all so much” and “why are they murdering democracy?” and stuff like that.

      Reply

  5. She's a Maineiac Says:

    I thought of your post again when I watched Conan make fun of it today. Hilarious.
    http://teamcoco.com/video/herman-cain-campaign-ad

    Reply

  6. The Good Greatsby Says:

    Absolutely hilarious. I assume the next commercial will feature Cain’s wife and kids explaining why they gave Cain their endorsement.

    Reply

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