A Heaping Helping of Justice – Kansas Style!

October 17, 2011


Justice.  Is there any concept more noble?  Any pursuit that embodies the best parts of our humanity more?  Even as our biology asserts that might-makes-right, and when wronged we seethe for vengeance, we hold on to this notion of balance and fairness.   We have the courage to protect someone’s right to speak, even when we hate what is said.  We have the resolution to fight for the rights of the few against overwhelming hate.  And we have the wisdom to say, “Whoa, hold up.  Who’s paying for this?  Me?  Forget it, then.”

Topeka: where justice is blind. Reeeeeally blind.

And that’s why you just have to stand in awe of Topeka, Kansas’ brave decision to decriminalize domestic violence despite the fact that pretty much everyone – probably including the abusers themselves – will find this monstrous and vile.

What is this strange place, Toto? Where everything's so bright, and magical, and someone can face legal repercussions just for hitting his wife!"

Yes, there was a dispute between city and county officials over who had to foot the bill for domestic-dispute cases and then last week someone realized that you could just not prosecute the crime!  Ta-da!  Problem: solved.

A lot of people are going to say this is loathsome, that it’s indefensible.  But crusaders and pioneers have always faced resistance by the status quo.  Stand courageous, Topeka.  Stand courageous in the warming glow of justice.

As you’re assailed by the fury of those who cling to the old ways, just remember your convictions, and remember the benefits –

  1. On paper, your domestic dispute statistics are going to drop to, like, nothing.

    "Take a Bite Out Of (the reporting of) Crime!"

  2. Raising awareness of Kansas.  If you’re like me, when you think of Kansas, you think of geographical flatness, “Carry On My Wayward Son,” and the worst case of food poisoning you ever got, which turned out to be because of bovine fecal matter in the food which eeewww.  Aside from that, I don’t give Kansas a lot of thought; but look at me now!  Kansas, Kansas, Kansas!
  3. This could be a courageous step in fiscal responsibility.  Have you ever thought about how much a protracted murder trial costs?  Me either!  Because it’s never occurred to me to evaluate justice based on cost!  But now?  Cha-ching!
  4. With all the money you save, think what you can do.  Maybe put a couple of stop signs at pesky suburban intersections?  Maybe invest in some “Employees Must Wash Hands” signs because seriously, Kansas?  Bovine fecal matter? Bovine fecal matter?  Come on!
  5. It’s important to reflect priorities.  In Kansas, a first offense for being found in possession of any amount of marijuana receives a year in jail and a fine.  Save space in the overcrowded prison system to put the real monsters away!
  6. You know who tend not to complain about having their rights taken away? Abused people!  And if they’re not complaining, then logically, they must be cool with it!
  7. The city council just showed those sumbitches over at the county commissioner’s office (or vice versa)that they won’t get pushed around, and I think we can all agree that’s worth any number of cases of spousal abuse.
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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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16 Comments on “A Heaping Helping of Justice – Kansas Style!”

  1. Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

    I love this post and how you can make me laugh once or twice in the face of seething rage, but most of all, I hope every !@#!@$ behind this decision reads this post and realizes it’s like an ass-kicking, with words. And no matter what form an ass-kicking comes in? They never feel sweet.

    In fact, I may be hunting down some emails for forwarding this momentarily.


  2. Blogdramedy Says:

    Topeka, Kansas. New home of the American Vigilante Training Center. Staffed by women who’ve had the crap beat out of them…and they’re ready to give back. 🙂


  3. midsummerdreamsandwintertales Says:

    Sounds like someone spiked the tapioca in Topeka…


  4. Nonstepmom Says:

    Please don’t banish me to Kansas! I recently published a post confessing that, instead of dealing with quarrelling siblings, I sent them away to see “which one survived until dinner”. Perhaps Kansas officials read this & thought it might work for spouses as well? I’m sorry, I’ll try to behave!


  5. gojulesgo Says:

    Wow. Hilarious and disturbing (I want to say that that’s my favorite combination, but in this context it doesn’t seem right. Although, wait’ll you hear what I’m ABOUT to say…).

    A few Halloweens ago, my husband and I went to a party as Domestic Violence. He dressed as himself, and I wore a black eye and held a burnt cookie. Do you think that was in poor taste? (Because that’s what we were going for.)


  6. BrainRants Says:

    Irony. I love it.


  7. She's a Maineiac Says:

    I’m with Deb, you’ve managed to get me to laugh even though I am disgusted beyond words.


  8. shoes Says:

    Well then that settles it, my family and I are up and moving to Kansas. The next time my husband forgets to take the trash out I will serve him up a nice steaming bowl of Kansas beef stew a la bovine fecal matter (mmmm, coliforms) and a round kick to the head with no fear of judicial repercussions. Just kidding, there is no way I could execute a round kick without falling flat on my arse. But seriously – really Kansas?!? It makes me sick.


    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      I can’t even think about that food poisoning without feeling queasy again. It was awful. I had to fly in that condition, too – one of the few times in my life I genuinely wasn’t sure I could physically accomplish the task. Then at the airport there was a mistake in booking, so I got bumped up to first class. And first class is wooooonnnnnderful. So, I guess Kansas has that going for it.


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