They Can Also Scoff, Sneer, and Snort Sarcastically.

December 12, 2010


Plain and simple.  There’s just no masculine way to call a cat.

Even if there isn’t someone in the vicinity – and there usually is, and it’s usually some guy dismantling the engine of his car down to individual molecules or something – you still feel the sting of it.  Try it sometime.  Try to call a cat in a manly way.  “Awright you cats, get in here!”  Nothing. “Cut the shit, it’s chow time! Let’s haul some cat ass!” Nothing.  Maybe the cat’s staring at you, knowing.  Waiting.

You try the right words, but in a masculine register:  “Here, kitty.  Kitty.  Kitty.”  Oh yeah, that works.  And slowly it degrades until you’ve got the syrupy falsetto, singing, “Heeeeeeere kiddykiddykiddykiddy!” And then, and only then, does it possibly ploink ploink ploink in.

People say cats can’t smirk or smile, but those people have never had a cat.


About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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3 Comments on “They Can Also Scoff, Sneer, and Snort Sarcastically.”

  1. WorstProfEver Says:

    Here’s perhaps the only masculine way to call a cat: be Bruce Willis. Halfway there in The Fifth Element.


  2. keepmymemory Says:

    It’s funny, in many Slavic languages they do have a word for “male cat”. For example in Slovak it’s “kocur” (pronounced ko-tzur), and for some reason the word sounds really manly to me. It’s strange, words have so many emotional connotations. I work as a translator and interpreter here, and it is really hard sometimes to get the feeling of some words through to people…

    All this talk about cats… and the fact that your name is Byron… reminds me of the quote by Byron Nelson… “Winners are different. They’re a different breed of cat”. Which is weird in itself because I don’t usually remember quotes. Lol.

    Ps. I’m slightly stalking your blog. But not in a weird creepy way… and only slightly, so it’s OK :))


    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      That is a surprisingly masculine name for a cat. Although, some tom cats’ attitudes are pretty confident for 9 pounds of fur. And I know what you mean about language – it’s shocking how much more there is to words than their literal definitions. How differently they feel.

      And, hey, stalk away. If all stalkers were as eloquent and interesting, the stalking laws would probably be relaxed quite a bit.


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