- A co-worker tells you he’s 3 days from retirement. Your first thought is
- “Wish I was retiring”
- “Hm, wonder who’ll replace him?
- “You’re totally a dead man.”
-
Bonus question: Have you ever wondered how you’d do on the Voight-Kampff test?
You go to unlock a door – car door, apartment, whatever. As you reach for the lock, you drop your keys at the last second. As you bend over to pick them up, what would you expect to happen next?
- Uh, probably I pick up my keys and unlock the door?
- Profanity
- A gunshot to shatter the glass/wood exactly where my heart would have been had I not, at that exact moment, bent down
- When you close a medicine cabinet, are you genuinely surprised that there isn’t someone standing behind you, who wasn’t there when you opened it?
- You receive a Christmas card, and the only thing it says inside is “Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho.” You respond:
- By calling the police. Someone has threatened you!
- Think, “Die Hard. Classic.”
- Without pausing, by saying in your best German accent, “Perhaps a security guard we overlooked?” “Security guard? They’re usually tired and burnt out policemen growing fat on a pension. This is… something else…”
- A dog doesn’t like someone. Why?
- Who knows. Smells weird?
- Probably looks like someone who hurt it
- The person is clearly a robot from the future. That, or evil.
- When you take a drink of something from a tumbler, do you grit your teeth and wince briefly, while staring in to the distance? Even if it’s 7up you’re drinking?
- Someone tells you they didn’t like The Godfather. You…
- Ask why not. You’ve never heard that before.
- Suggest they really need to see it again, because it’s an incredible film.
- Burst in to flame
-
“For proper gum health, it’s important to floss, but it’s also important to – CHK! CHK! – brush your gums.”
Would you ever consider buying a pump-action shotgun, just so you can cock it when you want to emphasize your point (as in: “We’re out of carrots? Well then I guess it’s time we – CHK-CHK! – headed to the farmers’ market.”)
- Someone shows you their new dog, and tells you it’s a mix of two breeds, designed to bring out the best qualities of both. You think:
- Well, that’s nice, but there are so many animals at the Humane Society in need of a home.
- Oh, God, it probably has some stupid, cutesy name like “Goldstrelian Sheptriever”
- This genetic mutant will OBVIOUSLY rise up and destroy the humans whose hubris led them to think they could play God.
- Do you find yourself frequently sputtering out, “What do you mean, you’ve never seen _________________??!! How are you alive?!”
Have You Seen Too many Movies?
June 15, 2015
About The Byronic Man
Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.
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44 Comments on “Have You Seen Too many Movies?”
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The Byronic Man 
June 15, 2015 at 10:56 am
7. Someone tells you they didn’t like The Godfather. You…
A. Ask why not. You’ve never heard that before.
B. Suggest they really need to see it again, because it’s an incredible film.
C. Burst in to flame
C. Every time.
June 15, 2015 at 1:58 pm
Well, it’s the only reasonable response.
June 15, 2015 at 11:01 am
I’d never considered buying a pump-action shotgun until I read this. Now I don’t know how I’ve managed without one all this time…
June 15, 2015 at 1:59 pm
It’s amazing how much more attentively people listen to you! Must be something about that pump-action sound…
June 15, 2015 at 3:59 pm
You could build an entire post around using “CHK!-CHK!” to make a point.
For example: “What do you mean that my health insurance plan doesn’t cover me?
In that case, I guess that I’ll have to…”CHK!-CHK!”…switch to another HMO.”
Now, that’s the kind of language that Corporate America needs to hear…
June 15, 2015 at 11:03 am
I love my Goldstrelian Sheptriever!
And this post, expecially #2 3,& 6.
June 15, 2015 at 1:09 pm
I realize I should have managed to get “doodle” in the name somewhere, even if it’s no part poodle.
June 15, 2015 at 11:29 am
If someone hasn’t seen “The Godfather,” I just punch them and walk away.
June 16, 2015 at 7:18 am
People who haven’t seen it don’t understand what a serious character flaw that is. It’s like saying,”No, I never brush my teeth. So?”
June 15, 2015 at 11:36 am
7. Someone tells you they didn’t like The Godfather. You…
A. Ask why not. You’ve never heard that before.
B. Suggest they really need to see it again, because it’s an incredible film.
C. Burst in to flame
or, D. Make them an offer they can’t refuse.
June 16, 2015 at 7:20 am
“The next day my father returned, and this time he brought Luca Brasi with him. Luca had a blu-ray copy of the Coppola Restoration of the film, and my father told the man that either his attention would be on the screen, or his brains would. That’s a true story.”
June 15, 2015 at 12:05 pm
Do you constantly think, “This could use more fart jokes…”? (For Adam Sandler fans only.)
June 16, 2015 at 7:22 am
The Sandler philosophy seems to be: “Do something not funny, but then have the actors laugh as if it was, and the audience will think it must have been funny.” It’s so overtly insulting to the audience it’s practically performance art. It’s feature-film length equivalence of a laugh-track.
June 16, 2015 at 7:30 am
I feel cleansed.
June 16, 2015 at 12:34 pm
(Someone–anyone: Use your shotgun, quick–Stop me before I write this comment!:) Because you’ve vented?
June 16, 2015 at 12:59 pm
See, with you, it’s okay, because no one paid you thousands of dollars to come up with that. In fact, I salute you!
June 16, 2015 at 1:36 pm
(I keep telling people this is a sickness:) With both barrels?
June 16, 2015 at 4:09 pm
I got nothin’.
June 16, 2015 at 5:27 pm
Exactly MY problem now.
–Incorporeal Babe
June 15, 2015 at 12:35 pm
And don’t forget about my custom bed sheets– perfectly tailored so I can have all my lady bits covered up demurely but my husband’s ripped abs (and 100% hairless chest) can be exposed from the waist up.
June 15, 2015 at 1:07 pm
That could probably be one, right there: you see another human and can’t figure out why there’s hair, like, on their *body*. Oh! Wait, they must be a swarthy criminal!
June 16, 2015 at 6:52 pm
How else are we supposed to know the difference between good and evil?
June 17, 2015 at 3:00 pm
We’re like the ancient Romans, who had their armpit hair plucked out whenever they went to the public baths…
June 15, 2015 at 1:08 pm
Oh, number eight, DEFINITELY…
Have you seen those people down at the Farmers Market?
Animals!
June 15, 2015 at 3:56 pm
When my colleagues start spouting the various lines they’ve memorized from movies I’ve never seen, I tend to walk out of the room. When they compare virtually any event that could possibly happen in the workplace to an episode of Seinfeld, I run out of the room. Needless to say, I try to stay close to the door, just in case.
June 17, 2015 at 5:04 pm
Oh, just like that episode where Kramer– wait, come back!
June 15, 2015 at 4:03 pm
Let me tell you about my mother…
June 15, 2015 at 4:06 pm
Too many scary movies are the reason why I got a husband. Now I send him to check any strange nighttime noises, right after saying, “I’m sure it’s just the wind.”
June 16, 2015 at 5:39 pm
To which your husband should reply, “Don’t worry honey, I’ll (CHK!-CHK!) check it out.”
June 15, 2015 at 4:22 pm
Puppy Cody is a Golden Retriever/German Shepherd mix (with who knows what all else). Having said that, I totally agree with Answer c to Question #9.
June 15, 2015 at 5:24 pm
Yesterday I was crossing Broadway in Manhattan. A taxi screeched to a stop inches away from me. Of course I had to yell, “I’m walkin’ here!”
Doing that and not having a single person bat an eye? The whole reason I moved to NYC.
June 15, 2015 at 7:44 pm
I expect dramatic music to play when I’m anxious about things. Is that too much to ask? I mean, really?
June 15, 2015 at 11:04 pm
‘Goldstralian sheptriever’ almost undid me there. Loved it.
Is it a bad sign if I have theme music playing in my head during key moments of my day?
Left my phone in the baby’s room and now she’s asleep? Mission Impossible plays as I delicately retrieve it without waking her.
Psyching up for parent/teacher interview? Eye of the Tiger, naturally.
And I know it’s TV rather than movie, but I swear the Benny Hill theme plays incessantly at my place between bath- and bed-time each night. Something to do with my children chasing each other from room to room in various states of undress I suppose.
June 16, 2015 at 1:01 am
I am so #3 and #10.
Moreover there’s something I do a lot too. Whenever I’ve had a potentially dangerous experience or some minor accident I’m always picturing some horrible Final Destination type situations! Neck-breaking death with eyes gouged out and stuff. So eerie and terrifying.
June 16, 2015 at 2:50 am
That’s a CHK-CHK! great post.
When out shopping with the family, I often suggest we split up to go to different stores, but there’s always a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that it’s probably a bad move to do so….
June 16, 2015 at 5:33 pm
…because of the aliens / drug warlords / foreign terrorists / human traffickers / monsters / post-apocalyptic roaming gangs / rabid animals and/or people / serial killers / snipers / super-villains / vampires / werewolves / zombies.
June 16, 2015 at 8:11 am
Guilty on every single count and deeply envious of the cleverness of your musings – mine are by comparison as easily distracted as mutant mutt and can be found wearing the cone of shame.
June 16, 2015 at 12:48 pm
I was taken to see the first Godfather film by a date (I’m old). I was the only one who laughed out loud at the horsey head in the bed. What a friggin’ lame film, y’all. And they kept making more? Jeez.
Laughed out loud in Titanic, too–more than once: That over-the-top business at the front rail, the “duh” fogged-up car windows when the hand appears, but most especially at the marvelous gun-waving run through North-Atlantic temperature waters in the corridor. Priceless. What different film did the Oscar committee see?
Sometimes I feel like I’m living in Bizarro World.
Fun post.
June 16, 2015 at 2:18 pm
11. You leave the theater after seeing an action-packed adventure. You…
a. Go get Chinese take-out because you’re a little peckish.
b. Stop at Wal-Mart to check out the water picks on sale.
c. Burn rubber out of the parking lot with the theme song throbbing in your head.
June 16, 2015 at 5:37 pm
I happen to own a Flatstralian Spretriever and I resent this entire post.
June 16, 2015 at 5:49 pm
Can there ever be such a thing as “too many movies?”
June 19, 2015 at 3:16 pm
Love your blog. This one had me chuckling quite a bit. (You had me at number 1.) But to respond to number 10 – yes, it just happened to me last night – I met someone who (while chatting about late night TV personalities) declared they had never seen the new tonight show with Jimmy Fallon. Whhhhhhhaaaaat?????? – *And then my head exploded.
July 21, 2015 at 9:10 am
The Godfather? Hmm… That name sounds vaguely famil– Hey! Should smoke be coming out of your ears like that? WOAH! Your head’s on– I’ll… eh… I’ll just call the fire service…
September 27, 2015 at 4:39 am
Sometimes I feel like I’m living in Bizarro World. sorubak