Shot a commercial the other day in which I played the dramatic and exciting role of “man whose life is ridiculously cool and happy because he has mobile banking.” All in all, the shoot went fine. They say that 75% of acting is being able to hit your marks, and I think I hit all the important ones.
ACTING!!
The “diva” mark: I’d told them when I was available, they needed me another time. I said I’d try to make it work, then hit them with really, really specific demands. I know how shoots go, you can’t say “When it hits noon, I have to get in the car, whether we’ve got the shots or not.” But that is exactly what I said. I also said I’d totally understand if they wanted to use someone else. I think they would have, but the client wanted me. Most people were good-humored about it. A couple, though, when I apologized for the demands, could only muster a subdued, “Yeah, well…”
The ACTOR! mark: Okay, it had more to do with opening myself to the camera, and thus ventilating, but the shoot was in full sun and when we were done my off-camera side was completely stained and wrinkled with sweat, but my on-camera side was dry and crisp. Everyone was duly impressed at the extent to which I’ve trained my body. Even my pores are professional.
The *Star* mark: These two women who were extras kept flirting with me. I got the distinct feeling it was fueled by my being the center of attention. I wanted to say, “You know this is a commercial, right? For a bank? There’s nothing sexy going on here.” Maybe they just love a man who can selectively sweat.
Brad Pitt: another actor considered sexy for his mobile banking prowess
The “Creative Differences” mark: “You want me to put Splenda in my espresso? I know this character. He’s hip. He’s together. He’s classy. He ain’t putting no god damn Splenda in no god damn espresso.”
The “this isn’t my first dance” mark: Received check at 3:45. Deposited check at 3:53.
The Byronic Man 
October 15, 2013 at 4:20 am
Did you use mobile banking to deposit your check?
October 15, 2013 at 7:36 am
My cell phone is a relic of days gone by and can’t do such fancy things. I basically have to hand crank it, then ask Rosie to connect me to klondike-576.
October 15, 2013 at 4:30 am
Please report back on how many times “mobile banking prowess” appears in your search terms list.
October 15, 2013 at 6:33 am
And “a man who can selectively sweat”!
October 15, 2013 at 7:43 am
Oh, it shows up so often I finally figured, FINE, I’ll write about it. “mobile banking prowess” is the “nip slip” of 2013, doncha know.
October 15, 2013 at 5:10 am
Oh Baudelaire, I think I’ve transferred too often from my money market account…. Ha! ACTING!!
October 15, 2013 at 7:43 am
BRILLIANT!
October 15, 2013 at 5:47 am
A man whose life is ridiculously cool because of mobile banking? Damn, B, that’s some Neverland acting right there. Because I don’t know that that person actually exists! Well done portraying a fictional character.
October 15, 2013 at 7:48 am
Is it a national spot? National = $$$.
I just saw Orlando Bloom play Romeo on Broadway. Not as bad as it sounds. He was quite good, actually, but Juliet is desperately in need of diction lessons. That’s a big problem if the name of your play is “Romeo and Juliet.” Romeo made his entrance on a motorcycle. (A modern twist.) He removed his helmet, ran his fingers through his brown, curly locks and delivered his opening line. The ladies swooned. Talk about hitting your mark!
October 17, 2013 at 3:41 pm
Regional. Regional = ___.
October 15, 2013 at 7:54 am
A supah-stah in the making!
October 15, 2013 at 8:00 am
Mobile banking will now never be so cool. Oh, you must show us the commercial when it’s out!
October 15, 2013 at 8:01 am
LOL Dude. Splenda is GOOD THO
October 15, 2013 at 9:43 am
Way to stick to your guns with the Splenda. Next time tell them it is Truvia or nothing.
October 17, 2013 at 3:42 pm
If they’d gone with Stevia I could have gone with it as a Breaking Bad reference. So long as they let me put it with soy milk and chamomile tea, that is.
October 15, 2013 at 9:59 am
The “diva” mark: can you ask them for only green M&M’s in your trailer? That’s when you know you’ve hit the big time.
October 15, 2013 at 6:31 pm
More specifically, he needs to ask for a brandy glass full of brown M&Ms or he won’t go on set. Throw in a Bengal tiger, a shopkeeper and his son that were beaten to death by their own shoes, and a can of mace just for the hell of it
October 17, 2013 at 3:44 pm
Interesting (I thought), and unrelated story: I read about the “No green m&m’s” story. It was in Van Halen’s contract, and apparently the reason they put that in there was they put on a massive stage show, and would have town B building the stage while they performed in town A. If there were green m&m’s in the dressing room, that meant they hadn’t read the contract closely, and that they needed to inspect where the props had been placed and, more importantly, the thoroughness & safety of the stage construction.
October 15, 2013 at 1:36 pm
So, which one are you in this commercial? http://youtu.be/z8lq2Ptswsc
October 15, 2013 at 1:57 pm
What’s the other 25 per cent?
October 17, 2013 at 3:45 pm
Staggering self-centerdness (10%); bottomless need for validation (15%)
October 15, 2013 at 4:19 pm
Good instinct on the Splenda. The one time I had Splenda, I felt like a mobile bank ran me over.
October 15, 2013 at 5:51 pm
If it airs in Germany, you could also hit the “Deutschmark.” (I immediately regret that terrible pun. I apologize)
October 15, 2013 at 6:34 pm
On the same token, if you watch it after taking a dump and don’t wipe adequately, you could hit the “skid” mark
October 17, 2013 at 3:46 pm
If it aired on Ork, I could be sure to hit my Mork.
October 16, 2013 at 1:04 pm
You can control your perspiration with your mind and make it through an ATM deposit in under 10 minutes, no wonder those women were all over you! You are clearly a wizard.
October 17, 2013 at 3:47 pm
Is this a reference to that one other ad? If not, there is no other ad and it doesn’t involve me looking like a wizard…
October 17, 2013 at 8:29 pm
Do you live in Hollywood? I lived there for 8 months for acting. My blog is about what I went through there.
October 18, 2013 at 8:48 am
When I saw this post in my Reader my first thought was “I knew B-man was a cutie, but I didn’t know he looked so much like famed mobile banker Brad Pitt!”