Take A Break From The Heat And… Ask Sexy Stalin!

July 22, 2013

Ask Sexy Stalin

World feeling confusing?  Tired of advice that involves empathy, understanding, and a lack of sensual intensity?  Then it’s definitely time to strip down to your underwear and…

Ask Sexy Stalin!


Dear Sexy Stalin,  Should I move to America?

On another note, should I bother making vegan brownies or just screw the non-murderers and make normal brownies instead? – Stephanie Tomoana

Unless this is your thing...

Unless this is your thing…

Is the area in America you are considering more or less sexy than where you are now?  America is big – not as big as Russia, it is very important to note – but big, and it depends a lot on where you wish to go.  I would suggest skipping states like Florida, Mississippi, and states that end in “Dakota.”

As for brownies, it depends on the occasion and who’s eating them.  If some foolish buffoon has dumped you, non-vegan; If you’ve recently accomplished something, non-vegan; if you’re just in the mood for brownies, non-vegan.  If you’re serving them to vegans, vegan – but if they’re all pretentious about it, tell them afterward that they were non-vegan.

So, a lot of people are feeling saddened, enraged and confused over this Zimmerman/Martin verdict.  Do you have any thoughts to offer on the subject? – Byronic M.

Is fucked up.

Why were you so sexy in your youth and so unsexy as a dictator? Is it possible you made a deal with the devil and instead of trading your soul for power, you traded your handsomeness?

If so, was the trade worth it? Did you find power hollow because women were only willing to sleep with unsexy Stalin after two drinks and a threatening pick-up line: “Hey, baby! What’s your sign? Because I sure hope it’s not a train station departure sign directing you to the Gulag platform.” Or maybe being Sexy Stalin felt just as hollow because women only loved you for your good looks, similar to my situation? – The Good Greatsby

To paraphrase Scarface: In Russia, first you get the sexy, then you get the power, then you systematically execute anyone more attractive than yourself.  In this manner, you continue being the sexiest.

Or... did you mean literally - Grey, broken in to fifty shades? Because answer is different.

Or… did you mean literally – Grey, broken in to fifty shades? Because answer is different.

Hey Sexy Stalin,  A male co worker gave me a copy of ’50 Shades of Grey’ to read.
Should I be worried? – Sporadic Blogger

Clearly, this co-worker is trying to impress upon you that he is a man of many facets.  He wishes for you to be knowing that he reads, yet is illiterate. That he likes the sex, but is unclear on how, in reality, it works.  That he has a feminine side, but that feminine side has bad taste.  No, you should not be worried, because you are going to give him a copy of Fight Club and then stare at him, without blinking, until he shrinks away.

Here is young Mussolini.  Not sexy.  As if Fredo Corleone and The Mad Bomber from The Muppets had a baby, who is a pedophile.

Here is young Mussolini. Not sexy. As if Fredo Corleone and Crazy Harry from The Muppets had a baby.

Dearest Sexy Stalin,  Why did you grow an enormous lip-rug?
The norm for dictators is the toothbrush: Mugabe, Hitler, Franco, Oliver Hardy. You might also have gone egg bald like Mussolini.
 Just what is it that dictates the hair choice of a dictator? – Archie Wah Wah

Archie Wah Wah, if that is your real name: All those dictators you mention had something in common – no sexiness.  Hitler?  Shrieky little weasel man.  Ladies do not like that.  The best sexy move Mussolini could come up with was throwing bales of hay, and he was Italian.  The thick moustache of my later years shows that I am not of the pack (which is important if one wishes to exterminate much of the pack), and that masculinity explodes out of my face.


Thanks, everyone, who wrote in to Ask Sexy Stalin!  If you would like to receive a What Would Sexy Stalin Do? wristband, just email your request and address to Byronicmanblog@gmail.com.  *AND* if you requested one last time around but it never arrived (which apparently happened to a couple people), please let me know, so I can send you one!

(This is Crazy Harry)

(This is Crazy Harry)

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

View all posts by The Byronic Man


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43 Comments on “Take A Break From The Heat And… Ask Sexy Stalin!”

  1. mbaignoire Says:

    I seriously wish this came out every Monday, made my day! The 50 shades bit was priceless.

    Insert an image of me doing a fan-girl squee, basically.


  2. Renee B-W Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin, someone I was talking to today said she didn’t like writing that was “anti-semantic” which I have since been thinking should be my new blog name. Can she sue me for copyright?


  3. Renee B-W Says:

    BTW, she wasn’t talking about my writing, which is never anti-Semitic and only occasionally anti- semantic.


  4. Patti Hall Says:

    I need you to be piped into my place and be funny all the time. Thank you.


  5. Exile on Pain Street Says:

    Komrade: You forgot to mention that brownies are also a common vehicle for delivering cannabis. That’s always an option, too.

    I wish I had thought up Archie Wah Wah. I wonder if I’ll ever be that clever?


  6. Go Jules Go Says:

    This may be SS’s sexiest round of Q&A yet. “A lack of sensual intensity” and “shrieky little weasel man” were some of my favorites.

    I never got my bracelet(s). You should send me 10 more. Don’t forget the bee card.


  7. BrainRants Says:

    The Fight Club advice was awesome.


  8. Blogdramedy Says:

    He seems to have an answer for everything. Must be a bitch to live with.


  9. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    Agree with 1st commenter, this should be a monday series. 🙂
    I never received my bracelet last time around. Not that I’m upset about that… It’s cool. (No it’s not.)


  10. rossvenhuizen Says:

    I can’t imagine all the tragedy that could have been avoided had boy bands been around during Stalin’s time.


  11. becomingcliche Says:

    Stalin, I am pretty sure this is your best work to date. And not just because I’m afraid you’ll bump me off if I don’t “like” it.


  12. pegoleg Says:

    Fabulous advice as usual> Dear Sexy Stalin. Would your advice to Sporadic Blogger be any different if she was a he, or vice versa? ( Anxiously awaiting answer while sitting in underwear on block of ice in bathtub with fan aimed at me to avoid melting into irretrievable puddle of miserable hotness that will never end.)


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      You know – and this is pretty off-topic – those people who, every time it gets cold, say, “Well, I guess this shows global warming is a fake!”? Don’t those people have a moral obligation to take the opposite opinion every single time it gets hot? I think so. Sexy Stalin thinks so.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Oh, and if the genders were reversed on the “50 Shades” thing, the appropriate response is to destroy the book, unopened, then say, smiling, “Thanks. It was really good.” And then move. Possibly change your name.


  13. Elyse Says:

    Sexy Stalin would have remained sexy if he’d only grown a Gable — the mustache, not an extra window in the attic.


  14. Tez Says:

    “NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!” said Cardinal Ximénez.

    Sexy Stalin replied, “I have the weapon of surprise on my side”.

    Loved all SS’s sexy, and surprisingly sensible, answers. 🙂


  15. Sandy Sue Says:

    “masculinity explodes out of my face.” Clearly, we need to suck face, soon, Joe.


  16. Teepee12 Says:

    This is giving me a headache. I think I’ll take something and become incoherent.


  17. sporadicblogger Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    I was actually worried about this co worker and kept an eye on him for sketchy behavior. But you analysis of him is pretty spot on. 😀


  18. abbybyrd Says:

    Sexy Stalin, I love you!


  19. Jen and Tonic Says:

    Wait, so you’re telling me that all I had to do in high school was kill every other girl who went to school there, and then I would have been the sexiest? I did high school all wrong…


  20. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Wow, ‘is fucked up’ can be used for so many other things in life. I think I’ve found my new catchphrase. Thanks, Sexy Stalin!

    (I think the young Mussolini is quite sexy. Riveting. I think it’s his crazy-eyes that draw you in)


  21. travellingmo Says:

    As always, Sexy Stalin brings laughter, joy, and sexiness into my life. Thanks S. S.!


  22. Liz Says:

    Bahahaha this is the first time I’ve come across this! WWSSD, my life’s newest mantra.
    On the note of 50 Shades of Grey, my roommate’s boyfriend told me about the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster yesterday. He said that their holy text is 50 Shades of Penne, and I feel like Sexy Stalin would approve of this.

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    Are you a Pastafarian?



  23. JC Says:

    Reblogged this on Squirrel and commented:
    New favorite blog, hands down. (insert emoji)



  1. Week 3 Sketches and a Question Answered! | Stephanie Tomoana - July 23, 2013

    […] Byronic Man TOTALLY featured my question in his segment ‘Sexy Stalin’! Check out the article for his advice to my query. Have a great week […]

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