World feeling confusing? Tired of advice that involves empathy, understanding, and a lack of sensual intensity? Then it’s definitely time to strip down to your underwear and…
Ask Sexy Stalin!
Dear Sexy Stalin, Should I move to America?
On another note, should I bother making vegan brownies or just screw the non-murderers and make normal brownies instead? – Stephanie Tomoana
Is the area in America you are considering more or less sexy than where you are now? America is big – not as big as Russia, it is very important to note – but big, and it depends a lot on where you wish to go. I would suggest skipping states like Florida, Mississippi, and states that end in “Dakota.”
As for brownies, it depends on the occasion and who’s eating them. If some foolish buffoon has dumped you, non-vegan; If you’ve recently accomplished something, non-vegan; if you’re just in the mood for brownies, non-vegan. If you’re serving them to vegans, vegan – but if they’re all pretentious about it, tell them afterward that they were non-vegan.
So, a lot of people are feeling saddened, enraged and confused over this Zimmerman/Martin verdict. Do you have any thoughts to offer on the subject? – Byronic M.
Is fucked up.
Why were you so sexy in your youth and so unsexy as a dictator? Is it possible you made a deal with the devil and instead of trading your soul for power, you traded your handsomeness?
If so, was the trade worth it? Did you find power hollow because women were only willing to sleep with unsexy Stalin after two drinks and a threatening pick-up line: “Hey, baby! What’s your sign? Because I sure hope it’s not a train station departure sign directing you to the Gulag platform.” Or maybe being Sexy Stalin felt just as hollow because women only loved you for your good looks, similar to my situation? – The Good Greatsby
To paraphrase Scarface: In Russia, first you get the sexy, then you get the power, then you systematically execute anyone more attractive than yourself. In this manner, you continue being the sexiest.
Hey Sexy Stalin, A male co worker gave me a copy of ’50 Shades of Grey’ to read. Should I be worried? – Sporadic Blogger
Clearly, this co-worker is trying to impress upon you that he is a man of many facets. He wishes for you to be knowing that he reads, yet is illiterate. That he likes the sex, but is unclear on how, in reality, it works. That he has a feminine side, but that feminine side has bad taste. No, you should not be worried, because you are going to give him a copy of Fight Club and then stare at him, without blinking, until he shrinks away.
Dearest Sexy Stalin, Why did you grow an enormous lip-rug? The norm for dictators is the toothbrush: Mugabe, Hitler, Franco, Oliver Hardy. You might also have gone egg bald like Mussolini. Just what is it that dictates the hair choice of a dictator? – Archie Wah Wah
Archie Wah Wah, if that is your real name: All those dictators you mention had something in common – no sexiness. Hitler? Shrieky little weasel man. Ladies do not like that. The best sexy move Mussolini could come up with was throwing bales of hay, and he was Italian. The thick moustache of my later years shows that I am not of the pack (which is important if one wishes to exterminate much of the pack), and that masculinity explodes out of my face.
Thanks, everyone, who wrote in to Ask Sexy Stalin! If you would like to receive a What Would Sexy Stalin Do? wristband, just email your request and address to Byronicmanblog@gmail.com. *AND* if you requested one last time around but it never arrived (which apparently happened to a couple people), please let me know, so I can send you one!