Spring Is In The Air, Which Means It’s Time Again To… Ask Sexy Stalin!

May 6, 2013

Ask Sexy Stalin

Have a problem and don’t know where to turn? Well…

When Dr. Laura isn’t brutal enough…

When Carolyn Hax isn’t sexy enough…

When Dr. Phil isn’t yelling enough...

That’s when you need to

Ask Sexy Stalin!

* Sexy Stalin is not a licensed therapist.  He is just a very handsome man you can talk to, who has clear ideas about how to run - and decimate - the world.

* Sexy Stalin is not a licensed therapist. He is just a very handsome man you can talk to, who has clear ideas about how to run – and decimate – the world.

Dear Sexy Stalin,

Fashion question: This spring, is it going to be OK to mix Czechs and stripes? Signed, Baddest Mother Ever

Ah yes, the eternal question of Spring fashions.  While, of course, most fashion is the product of capitalist enslavement and an attempt to subjugate the people in to forced consumption, it’s also true that the right outfit can do amazing things for the sexiness of the bottom.  As for mixing, there is always the chance that you will imply that one pattern is of a higher class than the other – this is a grievous error of the bourgeoisie.

Unless you meant mixing of Czechs and Stripes, as in the citizens of Stripestan.  Then it is not an issue, because I had the Stripestanians wiped out.

Dear Sexy Stalin,

I hear that Neti Pots can shoot bacteria up your nose and into your brain, but my doctor said I should use it to clear my sinuses. Do you think I could already be inoculated against bacteria since I visit my teenage crumbsnatchers rooms? Kinda like the flu shot, you know. Signed, Mama Bread Maker

That's about as good as it gets...

That’s about as good as it gets…

I do not recommend Neti Pots, not because they do not work, but because it is not possible to use one and still maintain a look of smoldering sensuality.  A fact that is little known is that “Nettie Pot” is a misspelling of “Nyettske Pyote” which is Russian for “Actually, I’m not really in the mood.”

As for dealing with bacteria: fighting infection is war, and should be approached as Russians approach war: take an enormous amount of vitamin C, get maximum rest, then drink bleach so you leave nothing for the infection to eat.

Dear Sexy Stalin,

I was at my poetry club yesterday, and one of the members said that I look like you. Now normally I wouldn’t care about what they bring up because I am the president of the club and my word is law. I was already getting mad because my vice president hasn’t shown up for two meetings and I was considering making the club secretary VP, but she’s good at her job so I’m keeping her there.  I should probably demote my VP, but I’m afraid she might get poetic on me and I am tired of their bullshit. What should I do? Signed, Paradise Beat

As you can see from my ascot and just-so unkempt hair, I am no stranger to the poetry clubs.  I am also well acquainted with the Machiavellian machinations that can take place.  The solution is simple, though, in this case: banish the VP and publicly blame him for all problems related to the club, and poetry as a whole.  Eliminate the position for the good of the people. Make love to the secretary.  Then banish her, too.

***

Have a question for Sexy Stalin?  Really want a WWSSD? wristband but don’t know where to find one?  You’re in luck! Requests for either can be made here or at byronicmanblog@gmail.com.

You know you want one.

You know you want one.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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45 Comments on “Spring Is In The Air, Which Means It’s Time Again To… Ask Sexy Stalin!”

  1. aliceatwonderland Says:

    Hey, a chance to ask Sexy Stalin! I want to make money, Stalin, but I don’t want to actually work for it. What should I do? This job thing is getting to be a pain. Oh, and I want a bracelet. I don’t know why, but I see it so I want it. Thanks, Stalin, you’re a peach.

    Alice

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I just need your address, and just like *that* it’ll be on its way… at some point when I find a moment! (You can email me your address if you don’t feeling like posting it online)

      Reply

  2. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    Damn someone already beat me in the no job question, But I have been dying for this post to come up.
    Dear Sexy One,
    I want to know how to have the best of the fashion accessories with out paying for anything ( have tried shoplifting didn’t work)
    I want to look cool but no money help me
    – Super Needy Indian

    Reply

  3. mistyslaws Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    Despite my numerous requests and entreaties, my husband refuses to wear an ascot, even though I have assured him it will up his sexiness quotient exponentially. How do I convince him that he needs to add the ascot to his fashion repertoire? Or should I just leave him for an ascot wearing man? What should I do oh wise and sexy one?

    Love,

    Ascot Lover

    Reply

  4. silkpurseproductions Says:

    It saddens me about the Stripestanians. They were such a fashionable people.
    Does Sexy Stalin find polka dots to be pleasing to the eye or are they just circles gone awry.

    Reply

  5. Lorna's Voice Says:

    Wow, you must be more popular than Lance Armstrong! You’ve got your own advice column and rubber wrist bands. Just stay away from the steroids (even the ones they give you for poison ivy)–that stuff will bring down all the heroes, my friend! Then what the heck are you going to do with all those rubber wrist bands? (Target practice?) 😉

    Reply

  6. Jackie Cangro Says:

    Sexy Stalin should start charging for this advice. $150 rubles per answer.

    Reply

  7. SimplySage Says:

    Such twisted humor. Truly ROFL here!
    Good heavens, even the PC police will not get you for this one. 🙂

    Reply

  8. LuckyPorcupine Says:

    “make love to the secretary, and then banish her too” – killed me.

    Reply

  9. UndercoverL Says:

    I love how Sexy Stalin quotes himself at the end. It is an appealing affirmation of his dapperly dictatorship.

    Reply

  10. tylorjstingel Says:

    Cool commentary I like your blog. Tylor Stingel

    Reply

  11. Anka Says:

    I wish I had a question for Sexy Stalin, but I’ve got nothing. I’m too busy stressing over the gifts I need to buy for Mother’s Day, especially for my mother-in-law. A spa day? Flowers? It’s a lot of pressure and I have no idea what to get her.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      It always sneaks up on me, too. This year we have a baby, and I said to my wife, “Hey, it’s your first mother’s day” and she said VERY seriously, ‘Don’t you dare do anything. When she’s old enough, she should, but not you.”

      Reply

      • Anka Says:

        Well, that certainly takes the pressure off. Even so, I hope you three have a lovely time celebrating your wife’s first Mother’s Day.

        Reply

      • Alison Armstrong Says:

        That could be a trap. She could actually want something for Mother’s Day and be pretending not to. You NEED to buy a “just in case” present (if she really doesn’t want something, it can become a ‘just because I felt like being romantic’ present). I’m about to become a mother myself… I should know these things.

        Reply

      • pegoleg Says:

        Ha ha ha! But seriously, if you fall for THAT old trap (I’m not your mom so don’t get me anything), your not the intellectual giant I know you to be. Word.

        Reply

  12. Baddest Mother Ever Says:

    Death to Stripestan. And those shoes that Marc Jacobs paired with his resort line…those were horrible and deserve to die.

    Reply

  13. Baddest Mother Ever Says:

    Reblogged this on Baddest Mother Ever and commented:
    Heeeeeelarious. In a totally proletarian way.

    Reply

  14. a2shato Says:

    I did a le clickeh on your link because I want one of those sexy, sexy bands and… it didn’t work for me. 😦

    Reply

  15. Ado Bajic Says:

    I have nominated you for the Liebster Award. Please do visit my blog and read the post. This nomination is my way of saying Thank you for Inspiring me… http://wp.me/pXEBr-gA

    Reply

  16. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,
    Did Byronic Man intentionally misspell his email address because he has no intention of taking wristband requests, or was this an “honest mistake”…?
    Thanks. 🙂

    Reply

  17. Go Jules Go Says:

    “…which is Russian for ‘Actually, I’m not really in the mood.’” Ha!

    I wouldn’t be surprised if they somehow manage to work in Neti Pots into the next team-building exercise at work.

    Reply

  18. pegoleg Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin, After looking at the picture of the Nyeti Pottz chick, I may never feel sexy again. How can I erase the image from my brain?

    Reply

  19. search231gt Says:

    Thanks for the advice Sexy Stalin!

    Reply

  20. dustandsoul Says:

    I’m trying to think of a good question but every time I look at your sexy-arse socialist face, I succumb to frantic fapping instead.

    So sexy, Stalin. Every time I sell the book Young Stalin, I lick it a little bit first. Did you know that? Of course you did.

    (Psstt — great blog!)

    Reply

  21. Andrea Says:

    okay, want the bracelet… is there a hazing ritual or other challenge in order to deserve one? 🙂

    Reply

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