Well, St Patrick’s Day is upon us again, and you know what that means! No, not that… No, not that either… Okay, I’ll just tell you. It’s time for my annual Why I Don’t Like St. Patrick’s Day Buzzkill! Yay!
Yes, loyal readers, I have been – in my more dramatically self-indulgent periods – the guy who walks around Psh-ing and rolling my eyes, and when you, bubbly and cheerful in your shamrocks and “Everyone’s Irish On St. Patty’s Day !” shirt, ask me, “Why aren’t you wearing green?” I scowl and blurt back, “Because it’s a terrible holiday. Do you even know the story of St. Patrick?” and then I rant for ten minutes – your smile growing pained and faded – and I get to know I made someone’s day juuuuust a little worse. Ahh. Good times, good times.
I’ve mellowed quite a bit since then, but I still got a touch o’ the buzzkill in me.
It reads “Ne parcas, nec spernas.” It’s latin for “Subscribe to The Byronic Man.”
And before you go accusing me of just not being or liking the Irish – I stink Irish. My mother’s family name is Keating. The first time I smelled Jameson whiskey it made me think of my grandfather. There are more depressives, poets and recovering drinkers in my family tree than you could shake a shillelagh at. And I look more Black Irish (which is a type of Irish – not half Irish, half African) than Daniel Day-Lewis listening to The Pogues while drinking Guinness and writing a poem about British oppression. On my father’s side? Scottish, and the family name traces back to the five families who came over from Ireland and settled Scotland. I even have our Scottish clan motto tattooed on my arm.
Okay, so the “Yay Ireland” stuff is fun, and dying rivers green is kind of festive, unless you live in the river… but first the drinking. “It’s just an excuse to drink!” people say, which is weird, because presumably you’re a grown-up and can make that choice of your own free-will. But it isn’t just that the Irish loves them a drink, right? Ireland has been plagued with alcohol abuse for centuries. Possibly more damage and lack of progress has been inflicted on Ireland by alcohol than anything else. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is among the worst in the world there. There was actually a time when Ireland liberated itself from England entirely, and had this massive celebration at castle Kilkenny that lasted 3 days, and then when everyone was exhausted and hungover, the English just stroooolled back in and took over. Which, okay, is really pretty funny, but the point is people take one of the biggest burdens of the nation and run with it. It’d be like being at an AA meeting and saying, “I don’t know about you guys, but all this talk about booze makes me want to party!”
“Patrick” “driving” the “snakes” “out” of Ireland.
As for Patrick: for starters he wasn’t Irish, he was English. And his name wasn’t Patrick, it was Maewyn Succat. And there weren’t any snakes in Ireland to drive out. “Snakes” is slang for a celtic person/pagan, and he “drove” them “out” by converting them to Catholicism. I was told once by some genuine Irish folks that he did this through Spanish Inquisition-esque means (which was good enough for me for several years of buzzkilling), but I’ve never seen that corroborated by a reliable source, so I’m not sure I buy it. Regardless, though, it’s really more of a celebration of Catholicism than of Ireland, per se. And, obviously, the cutsie stuff can get a little degrading.
If you really want to be a serious celebrator of Ireland, wait until Halloween. That’s the Celtic New Year. You have a big Celtic New Year party. No one will come, and the kids coming to your door dressed as Buzz Lightyear and Hermione will hate you, but won’t it be worth it? When they say, “Wow. He/She really celebrated Ireland”? Totally worth it And then next St. Patrick’s day you too can be a buzzkill!
Okay. I’m done. You are now free to ignore me and have fun. You are even free to go drink green beer and talk like the Lucky Charms guy and have wild times with your friends while I sit in the corner sulking and muttering, “Oh, they think they’re having fun. They don’t know. They just don’t know.”
Just like a real Irishman.
The Byronic Man 
March 17, 2013 at 7:33 am
Thank you. Just, well…thank you. As a lass with the maiden name of Flannery – I share many of your sentiments.
March 17, 2013 at 8:48 pm
And why more Irish people aren’t appalled by the holiday, I’ll never know. It’s like they’ve been abused so long they can’t tell the difference between positive and negative attention.
March 17, 2013 at 7:54 am
In my mind St Patty’s Day = Awkward feelings about Warwick Davis.
March 17, 2013 at 8:49 pm
He was interviewed recently about the new Star Wars and said, yes, he’d like to be in it, and he’d like to be a villain and get a light saber. I think they owe him after making him be an Ewok.
March 18, 2013 at 12:04 pm
I agree! He would be like the Evil Yoda!
March 17, 2013 at 7:58 am
I have to agree with you. Samhain (or Halloween) is a much more Irish festival than St. Paddy’s day. We ought to take it back.
March 17, 2013 at 8:50 pm
There was an Irish pub when I lived in Portland that had a big Samhain party. They tried to be closed for St. Pat’s Day, but it made 4 months of income in a night. They swallowed their pride, and I can’t say I blame them.
March 17, 2013 at 8:03 am
love love love your sense of humour.
You Rock..but you already know that
Hey I was thinking we should have a ‘ Byronic Man Day’…..i know i know you will say every day is a Byronic Man day…fine i get it
but on this special day we will all get that tattoo. ( which says join Byronic Man
rcos he Rulz) and drink like fish and get up next day with a hangover and not remember who tattooed us and what it means Cos it would be all cryptic…
March 17, 2013 at 8:51 pm
Well, I’m especially hoping my birthday will be a holiday after I die, but we might as well start now.
March 17, 2013 at 8:08 am
I guess you could say you Succat celebrating St. Patrick’s Day.
March 17, 2013 at 8:52 pm
Ba-Bum, Tsh! Thank you! Ross Murray will be here all week! Don’t forget to tip your waitress!
That was a seriously well-played pun.
March 17, 2013 at 9:34 am
May we conclude from the mention of the Scottish tattoo that you have embraced “Robbie Burns Day” and your Scottish heritage over your rich Irish ancestry?
March 17, 2013 at 8:53 pm
Not over, really, but certainly “along with.” We didn’t even know the name was Scottish until I was 21, and in Scotland.
March 17, 2013 at 11:06 am
Now the pagans knew how to party. Great read.
March 18, 2013 at 6:14 am
Now, it’d be interesting to see if people could get dancing around a tree to come in to fashion.
March 17, 2013 at 11:29 am
Couldn’t agree more, it’s nothing more than a drink fest.
March 18, 2013 at 6:13 am
And if only there were other opportunities for that…
March 17, 2013 at 11:32 am
I think I am going to have to par’take in 2 pints of Guinness after learning the real background to St. Pat’s Day. How many more days until Halloween?
March 18, 2013 at 6:16 am
And see, no one should wait fora holiday to have a Guinness.
March 17, 2013 at 11:47 am
Oy. It’s enough to make you want to drink copious amounts of alcohol to forget about the misrepresentation of this historic day. Cheers!
March 18, 2013 at 6:18 am
Maybe that’s what’s going on: Half of Boston is angry and gets drunk because of how the holiday is represented, then forgets why they’re drinking and says, “Hey! A parade!”
March 17, 2013 at 1:02 pm
I don’t know about the rest of it, but I had heard about Patrick being English and his real name before. Granted, I learned it from a VeggieTales video narrated by a talking worm named Khalil, but still. Now I know!
March 18, 2013 at 6:15 am
Veggie Tales have never been afraid to go after the hard news – the stuff the lamestream media is too timid for.
March 17, 2013 at 2:36 pm
A fellow Scot! Now I know why we feel the same way about St. Patrick’s Day. Being from Boston, I’ve always felt St. Patty’s Day is overexposed and misunderstood.
But I feel annoyed in general by American’s tendency to use any excuse to get drunk or overindulge: “It’s Valentine’s Day, lets eat all the chocolate and drink all the red wine!” “It’s the Superbowl, let’s eat all the nachos and drink all the beer!”
This coming from the girl who says (frequently), “I’m seeing Jules today, let’s drink all the champagne!”
March 17, 2013 at 2:53 pm
are you trying to make me jealous with the frequent champagne meet-ups with Jules? because it’s working….
March 18, 2013 at 6:55 am
I was actually trying to make BMan jealz, not you. I’m sorry you got involved in this, Darla.
March 18, 2013 at 10:43 am
oops. My bad.
March 19, 2013 at 2:33 pm
Hopping on “jealous” bandwagon, even though it was clearly marked “Private party – gate crashers KEEP OUT”
March 18, 2013 at 6:20 am
At least, I suppose, there aren’t a lot of options for Irish cuisine. “Guinness” covers about 50% of it. But Cinco De Mayo? That one seems like a crime. There’s waaaaay too much great food there to just booze it up and be done with it.
March 17, 2013 at 2:41 pm
Sorry. Can’t allow you to kill my St. Pat’s buzz, whatever the truth may be. I’m just an Irish gal who has a wee bit’o spring fever this time of year. Happy St. Patrick’s Day Byronic Man 😉
March 18, 2013 at 6:20 am
Well, I tried.
March 17, 2013 at 2:51 pm
Yeah, who really needs another excuse to drink? I just wake up and Boom! there’s a good excuse right there. Oh, and I’m Irish too, so there’s that.
March 18, 2013 at 6:21 am
I suppose it could break up the monotony. “Why are you drinking at 9 am?” “Because life has ground me down to a blunt nub of the… hey, wait, it’s St. Patrick’s Day! That’s why!”
March 17, 2013 at 4:47 pm
I’ve given up going out to the pub on St. Patty’s Day. It’s when all the “amateur drinkers” come out and get sloshed on a single pint of Guinness. It really ruins things for us “veterans,” soberly mulling over the cosmic significance of a ice cube’s travel through alcohol.
March 17, 2013 at 4:51 pm
As tempted as I am to just write “Amen”, I’m worried that I’ll appear too religious – and any amount of religious is too much for yours truly.
As I documented about a year ago, St. Patrick’s Day like Cinco de Mayo and New Years Eve, have become nothing more than over-blown excuses for over indulgence and – not to sound snobbish – amateur drinking.
The Irish should be offended what this holiday has come to symbolize.
March 18, 2013 at 6:25 am
They really should – and I know some who are, but even more who embrace it. I’d say they’re looking at the silver lining, but that’s not a quality the Irish are renown for..
March 17, 2013 at 5:22 pm
The city where I grew up hosts a 10-day orgy of rodeos, cowboy culture, bad country music, line dancing, testicle eating, and throwing up on carnival rides every year. EVERYONE (minus Ms. Buzzkill here) uses this festival as an excuse to get piss drunk and act belligerent for 10 days in July. Even the corporate folk dress up in Wranglers and skip work for a week and a half. What gives? Buzzkill girl here used to work at a sexual health centre and guess when a million people came in for pregnancy and STD tests each year? You betcha– 4-6 weeks after said rodeo orgy. It makes me feel gross all over knowing how many people were/are hooking up with denim-clad strangers and slobbering all over each other to the musical “stylings” of Toby Keith. [full body shudder]
ANYWAY, that long lead-in was a way to let you know that I, too, am a St. Patrick’s Day buzzkill. (I could even be a Buzzkill buzzkill. I’m *that* good at sapping the energy out of any alcohol-fueled celebration.) Let’s go start a Miserable club… but preferably not in a bar.
March 18, 2013 at 6:28 am
See, I held out, thinking, “well, maybe it’s an actual cowboy blow-out” but then you got to the Toby Keith…
Plus, it seems like any time there’s that grotesque, over-indulgence it’s not real – like it’s always people venting and playing dress up. The real cowboys are exhausted from working and had some beers and went to bed at 8:30 because they have to be up at 4:00am.
March 17, 2013 at 7:36 pm
Mmmmm Jameson’s. I’m sorry, what did you say?
March 18, 2013 at 6:28 am
Understandable distraction.
March 18, 2013 at 3:18 am
Oops, I am late to this party, but NOT because I was too busy wearing green and talking like the Lucky Charms leprechaun. Noooo.
Hey, why is no one drinking at this party? And everyone’s dressed in black… And why is the host in the corner muttering “Harumph and Stupid and Brain Dead and Listen To The Velvet Undergound, heathens!”?
March 18, 2013 at 6:16 am
Yes and Yes to everything you said. Maewyn Succat probably tried subverting the pagan folk (stealing the holidays was just a start), but plenty of torture and burning happened, too.
Samhain is my Holiday of Choice, but I try to mark all the Cross Quarters on the pagan calendar as a tribute to my ancestors. This year, though, I felt compelled to blog on the “official” holiday. Just to say how much I love the “homeland” and how much I want to put my feet on it.
You keep right on grumbling and mocking this unworthy celebration, brother. I’ll stand right beside you with my Bono CDs blaring.
March 18, 2013 at 11:08 am
I’m Irish (pasty variety, sadly, not black irish). I love the music, the literature, the wit. St. Paddy’s day? Less so. I’m not in favor of anything that makes people think they should get drunk and puke.
March 18, 2013 at 2:08 pm
Just so you know? I didn’t even read this. Nope. Clicked on it and immediately scrolled all the way down just to leave you this note to tell you that I refuse to allow you to rain on my culturally sensitive parade.
March 18, 2013 at 11:27 pm
I have zero Irish blood, and approximately as much alcohol in me on average, but this Sunday I wore green and went to the parade for the first time in my life. Mainly so that I could check it off the list of random things I have to do.
March 19, 2013 at 2:38 pm
I don’t know…I think there’s room to celebrate both the Catholicism AND the ancient customs that were co-opted into it in Ireland. That’s what the Irish people do.
As to the alcoholism, I think you’re right. My mom (100% Irish) always said she thinks we have the tendency dyed in our collective wool. I used to think she was nuts. Now that I have some experience of life, I’ve known enough of us who are alcoholics that I have to agree.