Hello, sweetie! Wait, don’t come in, I have Valentine’s surprises aplenty waiting for you. Close your eyes. No cheating! Okay, I’ll lead you in. No, just leave your things out here on the stoop; they’ll be fine. Yes, I know your laptop is in your bag, it’ll be perfectly safe. Those kids smoking over there will keep an eye on it.
And it’ll get the tub clean, too!
Aaaaand, a step up, a couple to the left… okay, ready for the first surprise? Open your eyes! Ta-da! I’ve drawn you a romantic bath! I filled the tub with champagne for a nice, hot champagne bubble bath! Hm? No, of course champagne doesn’t bubble like that. Dish soap! I know you don’t like froofy scented bubble bath, so I used dish soap, just for you! Real champagne, though. Ooh la la.
It is too a thing. A “champagne bath.” It is so, it’s a…!
Fine.
No, it doesn’t sound appealing right now. That’s okay.
I made dinner for us, too! Sort of. It, well, there were some problems with… maybe you heard all those sirens earlier? Long story short: we’re ordering pizza, and I’m going to be on the news! But the important part is you get pizza. As for toppings? Ladies choice.
And nothing weird, like mint leaves or corn or something.
Except no sausage. Their sausage makes me gassy.
Ah, I see you’re looking toward the bedroom. I know what you’re thinking. The grand finale. And right about now you’re asking yourself, ‘What’s that terrible noise and horrific stench?’ And well you might wonder.
You remember how you said you wanted a new dog? Get ready to think I’m the greatest partner in the world as you say hello to your thirty-seven new dogs! Each named for a reason that I love you!
I had fifty reasons, but there just weren’t that many dogs at the pound.
That’s “The Sparkle In Your Eyes,” that one’s “The Little Murmur Sound You Make When You’re Dreaming,” that one’s, um, maybe “How Excited You Get At Christmas”? Maybe?
Look at ‘em! Aren’t they cute? STOP THAT. “YOUR SMILE,” “THE TIME WE MADE GNOCCHI;” BAD DOGS.
No, “Night We Saw That Meteor Shower”! That’s… ah, well, I guess the other shoe’s already a goner. Have at it.
Well, not all thirty-seven are going to get along, you have to be realistic about that.
That? Um, I’m pretty sure that was the bedspread. Wow. They made quick work of that, didn’t they? Ha ha! What? You’re going to have to talk louder. What do you mean ‘Why are they in the bedroom?’? As opposed to where? The bathroom? Spatially, that’s just not logical.
No, the windows are already open. The firemen opened all of them when they were here. I think that smell’s about as good as it’s going to get. Well, except they’ll dry off, obviously. From the kiddie pool, of course; how else would they have gotten so wet? – oh, they’ve popped the pool, that’s why you can’t see it. Yeah, I went and got a kidde pool for them. Uh, ever try to find a dog bowl for thirty-seven? Instead of complaining, how about “Way to problem solve?”
Okay, sweetie, you get acquainted with your new pals. I’m off to light some candles – oh, wait, they confiscated those. But I’m going to set a romantic mood and set up a movie for us to watch. Your choice: either A Fistful Of Dollars or this National Geographic video about Egypt. Everything else got a little damaged when the firemen smashed out that wall for ventilation.
And, sweetie? Happy Valentine’s day.
The Byronic Man 
February 7, 2013 at 3:47 am
I hope “that time you made me watch Twilight” can get along with “Remember that Stallone movie you pretended to like”. Those two tend not to play well together.
February 7, 2013 at 6:48 am
Ooh, but if they had a baby, it’d be “Stallone in Twilight” and that’d be AWESOME.
February 7, 2013 at 7:01 am
I groaned through the Twilight movies but that movie definitely sounds promising. Have you contacted any studios yet?
February 7, 2013 at 3:48 am
Uh oh, looks like “The Silly way You Smile” is dragging his butt on the carpet again!
February 7, 2013 at 6:49 am
It’d be a lot easier to discipline my dogs about that if it didn’t crack me up every time.
February 7, 2013 at 4:37 am
Ah, l’amour.
February 7, 2013 at 6:53 am
French for “terrifying,” isn’t it?
February 7, 2013 at 5:27 am
Geesh, B! What a week you’ve had! Hiding in the woods, burning down the house… How do you find time to blog? You are an inspiration.
Also “Puppy Dog Eyes” is giving me puppy dog eyes. I think he has to go out.
February 7, 2013 at 6:52 am
Can you imagine having “poop patrol” chores with 37 dogs? “I did the 10:00am yard cleaning. 1:30pm is you.”
February 7, 2013 at 5:31 am
Wow,,I hope my first Valentine’s with my guy, is as incredible as this!
February 7, 2013 at 6:51 am
Well, romance goes both ways! What better way to surprise a new lover, or someone you’d like to meet, than with a massive “shock & awe” display of romance.
February 7, 2013 at 7:27 am
Soooo your saying to go ahead with my idea of smearing vegemite all over my body for him to lick off Valentine’s morning is appro?
February 7, 2013 at 5:56 am
You are the most romantic person I have ever met in my entire life. Don’t ever change. No matter how many restraining orders and/or destruction of property charges you have to face.
February 7, 2013 at 6:50 am
You know the old saying, “Love means never having to listen to reason or logic or legal mandates.”
February 7, 2013 at 7:48 am
Personally, I like the idea of 37 dogs, but they’d have to be little dogs. I like little dogs. But I like big dogs too. Especially when they’re puppies. You are so romantic.
February 8, 2013 at 8:13 am
We have a dog who seemed medium-sized when we got him at the shelter, but it turns out he was under-fed and is, in fact, enormous.
February 7, 2013 at 8:10 am
If the bottom ever falls out of this writing gig, you should consider a career in party planning. The other party planners in your area will be elated! 😉
February 8, 2013 at 8:13 am
I bet you could charge other party-planners to be the disastrous one who makes them look good.
February 7, 2013 at 8:23 am
It’s the thought that counts.
February 7, 2013 at 2:28 pm
Exactly. The deranged, illogical, poorly researched thought.
February 7, 2013 at 8:38 am
Wow! He-Who is going to have to be pretty clever to top this romantic gesture. I’ve been bugging him for 15 years for a puppy. ONE puppy!
February 8, 2013 at 8:11 am
That’s the time to strike with and overwhelming display of puppy power.
February 7, 2013 at 1:00 pm
This sheds a little light on why my ex named our puppies Steady Job and Gullible As The Day Is Long.
February 8, 2013 at 8:09 am
You know how people will point up and say, “Oh look, someone wrote ‘gullible’ on the ceiling”? I think it’d be funny to write “skeptical” or “untrusting” on a ceiling and then see who refuses to look because they think I’m tricking them.
February 7, 2013 at 3:14 pm
Wow, Byronic! I had a feeling you were a heartbreaker and a hopeless romantic… The Mrs. is a very lucky lady.
February 8, 2013 at 8:07 am
She is. I keep reminding her of that. but she can’t hear me over the barking.
February 7, 2013 at 7:29 pm
For some reason, my Hubby’s go-to box of chocolate is looking better and better.
February 8, 2013 at 8:07 am
Is it the Whitman 3,000-piece Sampler? Because that would be adequately “shock & awe” romantic.
February 7, 2013 at 8:17 pm
At least you got to be on the news. The only time I was on the news….the restraining order prevents me from revealing details.
February 8, 2013 at 8:05 am
A couple years ago we lost half of our house in a fire. A news crew came to interview us and we declined, having other things to deal with. They were genuinely shocked and appalled that we were declining a chance to be on TV.
February 8, 2013 at 4:32 am
Annnnd I’m happy with a funny greeting card and some Milk Duds.
February 8, 2013 at 8:04 am
It’s all about perspective.
February 8, 2013 at 9:41 am
I do insane well… That could work.
February 8, 2013 at 5:17 pm
You are quite the romantic, B’Man.
February 9, 2013 at 4:44 am
You’re wife is very lucky to have you. I think I’ll show this post to my husband. Maybe it’ll guilt him into getting me say….25 dogs? at the very least 15. I’m certain he could come up with 15 things he loves about me. Maybe. We have been married a long, long time. (you have the best post titles, I swear I laugh at just those. Well, I laugh at the entire post, but y’know what I mean….)
February 9, 2013 at 4:45 am
Oh god! I meant YOUR! I MEANT YOUR WIFE! not you’re! Oh the humanity! This blizzard has robbed me of knowing the difference between your and you’re. Someone save me from this hell!
February 9, 2013 at 8:52 am
It’s just another one of the victims of this terrible blizzard. They call the phenomenon: Finding Nemo’s Grammar.
February 9, 2013 at 6:56 am
So I guess a buy out wouldn’t count as a huge insane gesture? Your’s would work just as well and would likely be cheaper though. Who would get the dogs?
February 9, 2013 at 7:49 am
Best line: “Spatially, that’s just not logical.” I think “Courtesy Flush” would beg to differ.