This Valentine’s Day, Say It With A Giant, Overwhelming, Probably Insane Gesture

February 7, 2013

Humor

Hello, sweetie!  Wait, don’t come in, I have Valentine’s surprises aplenty waiting for you.  Close your eyes.  No cheating! Okay, I’ll lead you in.  No, just leave your things out here on the stoop; they’ll be fine.  Yes, I know your laptop is in your bag, it’ll be perfectly safe.  Those kids smoking over there will keep an eye on it.

And it’ll get the tub clean, too!

Aaaaand, a step up, a couple to the left… okay, ready for the first surprise?  Open your eyes!  Ta-da!  I’ve drawn you a romantic bath!  I filled the tub with champagne for a nice, hot champagne bubble bath!  Hm? No, of course champagne doesn’t bubble like that.  Dish soap!  I know you don’t like froofy scented bubble bath, so I used dish soap, just for you!  Real champagne, though.  Ooh la la.

It is too a thing.  A “champagne bath.”  It is so, it’s a…!

Fine.

No, it doesn’t sound appealing right now.  That’s okay.

I made dinner for us, too!  Sort of.  It, well, there were some problems with… maybe you heard all those sirens earlier?  Long story short: we’re ordering pizza, and I’m going to be on the news!  But the important part is you get pizza.  As for toppings?  Ladies choice.

And nothing weird, like mint leaves or corn or something.

Except no sausage.  Their sausage makes me gassy.

Ah, I see you’re looking toward the bedroom.  I know what you’re thinking.  The grand finale.  And right about now you’re asking yourself, ‘What’s that terrible noise and horrific stench?’  And well you might wonder.

You remember how you said you wanted a new dog?  Get ready to think I’m the greatest partner in the world as you say hello to your thirty-seven new dogs!  Each named for a reason that I love you!

I had fifty reasons, but there just weren’t that many dogs at the pound.

That’s “The Sparkle In Your Eyes,” that one’s “The Little Murmur Sound You Make When You’re Dreaming,” that one’s, um, maybe “How Excited You Get At Christmas”?  Maybe?

Look at ‘em!  Aren’t they cute?  STOP THAT.  “YOUR SMILE,” “THE TIME WE MADE GNOCCHI;” BAD DOGS.

No, “Night We Saw That Meteor Shower”! That’s… ah, well, I guess the other shoe’s already a goner.  Have at it.

Well, not all thirty-seven are going to get along, you have to be realistic about that.

That?  Um, I’m pretty sure that was the bedspread.  Wow.  They made quick work of that, didn’t they?  Ha ha!  What?  You’re going to have to talk louder.  What do you mean ‘Why are they in the bedroom?’?  As opposed to where?  The bathroom?  Spatially, that’s just not logical.

No, the windows are already open.   The firemen opened all of them when they were here.  I think that smell’s about as good as it’s going to get.  Well, except they’ll dry off, obviously.  From the kiddie pool, of course; how else would they have gotten so wet? – oh, they’ve popped the pool, that’s why you can’t see it.  Yeah, I went and got a kidde pool for them.  Uh, ever try to find a dog bowl for thirty-seven?  Instead of complaining, how about “Way to problem solve?”

Okay, sweetie, you get acquainted with your new pals.  I’m off to light some candles – oh, wait, they confiscated those.  But I’m going to set a romantic mood and set up a movie for us to watch.  Your choice: either A Fistful Of Dollars or this National Geographic video about Egypt.  Everything else got a little damaged when the firemen smashed out that wall for ventilation.

And, sweetie?  Happy Valentine’s day.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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39 Comments on “This Valentine’s Day, Say It With A Giant, Overwhelming, Probably Insane Gesture”

  1. josefkul Says:

    I hope “that time you made me watch Twilight” can get along with “Remember that Stallone movie you pretended to like”. Those two tend not to play well together.

    Reply

  2. 1pointperspective Says:

    Uh oh, looks like “The Silly way You Smile” is dragging his butt on the carpet again!

    Reply

  3. Go Jules Go Says:

    Geesh, B! What a week you’ve had! Hiding in the woods, burning down the house… How do you find time to blog? You are an inspiration.

    Also “Puppy Dog Eyes” is giving me puppy dog eyes. I think he has to go out.

    Reply

  4. Just Another Canadian Gurl Says:

    Wow,,I hope my first Valentine’s with my guy, is as incredible as this!

    Reply

  5. mistyslaws Says:

    You are the most romantic person I have ever met in my entire life. Don’t ever change. No matter how many restraining orders and/or destruction of property charges you have to face.

    Reply

  6. mairedubhtx Says:

    Personally, I like the idea of 37 dogs, but they’d have to be little dogs. I like little dogs. But I like big dogs too. Especially when they’re puppies. You are so romantic.

    Reply

  7. Lorna's Voice Says:

    If the bottom ever falls out of this writing gig, you should consider a career in party planning. The other party planners in your area will be elated! 😉

    Reply

  8. twindaddy Says:

    It’s the thought that counts.

    Reply

  9. Michelle Gillies Says:

    Wow! He-Who is going to have to be pretty clever to top this romantic gesture. I’ve been bugging him for 15 years for a puppy. ONE puppy!

    Reply

  10. Hippie Cahier Says:

    This sheds a little light on why my ex named our puppies Steady Job and Gullible As The Day Is Long.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      You know how people will point up and say, “Oh look, someone wrote ‘gullible’ on the ceiling”? I think it’d be funny to write “skeptical” or “untrusting” on a ceiling and then see who refuses to look because they think I’m tricking them.

      Reply

  11. Audrey Says:

    Wow, Byronic! I had a feeling you were a heartbreaker and a hopeless romantic… The Mrs. is a very lucky lady.

    Reply

  12. pegoleg Says:

    For some reason, my Hubby’s go-to box of chocolate is looking better and better.

    Reply

  13. Archon's Den Says:

    At least you got to be on the news. The only time I was on the news….the restraining order prevents me from revealing details.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      A couple years ago we lost half of our house in a fire. A news crew came to interview us and we declined, having other things to deal with. They were genuinely shocked and appalled that we were declining a chance to be on TV.

      Reply

  14. Tori Nelson Says:

    Annnnd I’m happy with a funny greeting card and some Milk Duds.

    Reply

  15. The Hook Says:

    I do insane well… That could work.

    Reply

  16. Elyse Says:

    You are quite the romantic, B’Man.

    Reply

  17. She's a Maineiac Says:

    You’re wife is very lucky to have you. I think I’ll show this post to my husband. Maybe it’ll guilt him into getting me say….25 dogs? at the very least 15. I’m certain he could come up with 15 things he loves about me. Maybe. We have been married a long, long time. (you have the best post titles, I swear I laugh at just those. Well, I laugh at the entire post, but y’know what I mean….)

    Reply

  18. Valentine Logar Says:

    So I guess a buy out wouldn’t count as a huge insane gesture? Your’s would work just as well and would likely be cheaper though. Who would get the dogs?

    Reply

  19. pithypants Says:

    Best line: “Spatially, that’s just not logical.” I think “Courtesy Flush” would beg to differ.

    Reply

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