A while back I wrote about one of the first paid stand-up comedy gigs I ever had, in the lovely Winnemucca, Nevada. (Here, if you want a little context for today’s story) At the end of it, I mentioned a guy from the casino taking us out to show us Winnemucca’s “nightlife.” I said it was a story for another time.
Well, I have it on good authority that now is another time. A time that will include stick-figure illustrations.
At the end of two grueling nights opening for a comic out of LA, this large man approached us.
He took us to a few places, all sad and hostile, but none more so than this miner’s bar. Winnemucca is a mining area, and these men, solid gray under a layer of dust, had worked all day, hundreds of feet under ground, then come straight here to drink all night.
It seemed like a terrible place to take us, but, I figured, hey – he’s the guide. So there’s them. And there’s us.
One guy at the bar weighed at least 500 pounds. This is not hyperbole. LA Comic nudged me.
Haystack Calhoun was a pro wrestler in the 50’s. I didn’t know that, and assumed that was the guy’s nickname. Because who would possibly walk in and start insulting the miners?
The bar got quieter. “Haystack” lumbered over. It seemed like a bad situation, but – again – there were comics in town every week; they were certainly used to us. After some contemplation, “Haystack” opted to insult and humiliate LA Comic and I for a while and we laughed along, because… you know… survival.
Soon, we – mercifully – left. Next stop? Winnemucca’s “Red Light District”! Although, it seemed less like a “district” than a “Red Light Abyss Of Joyless Sexual Release.” After a short tour, our guide settled on one, and invited us to take advantage of the services. He explained how you can to get them to do stuff without paying. You know: like “test driving a car.”
Off they went to try and trick the prostitutes in to “doing stuff” without paying. I hung out at the bar with the other prostitutes.
I had a drink and a nice chat. They both wound up paying for services. Apparently the prostitutes knew about that “trick.”
Finally, we closed the evening with a drink somewhere that could only be as dreary as I remember it if it was, in fact, in the mine.
And then it was back to the hotel for a very long shower and off to bed.
Of course, every joke needs a punchline, right? Here’s mine.
The next day as I was checking out, I saw the club manager to get paid.
He looked at me and replied:
The Byronic Man 
December 11, 2012 at 3:36 am
good post — entertaining and the stick figures were superb
December 11, 2012 at 6:18 am
Thanks. I’ve had extensive stick-figure training. They’re a little to avant-garde for the stodgy art world, but someday I’ll be appreciated.
December 11, 2012 at 3:38 am
Great laugh over a cup of coffee this morning…hahahaha! My favorite scene is the eyes…hahahaha….I think I was at that place in the late 80’s. Very clever!
December 11, 2012 at 6:21 am
It’s weird how places like that take on an impossibly surreal quality, isn’t it?
December 11, 2012 at 3:39 am
Ah, the next Berke Breathed.
December 11, 2012 at 6:20 am
I just read the best interview with him! His biggest regret (or at least that he talked about most), was snubbing Charles Schulz. He said he got to successful too quickly and was a jerk to all these icons of comics. That being said, Bloom County was pretty great.
December 11, 2012 at 3:58 am
A man of many talents. Your stick figures were impressive, and your dialogue bubbles were excellent as well. Do you prefer pen and paper or dry-erase media?
December 11, 2012 at 6:21 am
I’m an old fashioned guy. I like my stick figures drawn on paper with a pen, then scanned, digitized, cropped and posted online.
December 11, 2012 at 2:14 pm
I’m really old-fashioned, I like my stick figures drawn with actual sticks
December 11, 2012 at 3:58 am
You’re just one of my favorite people. Please do this every day. Even if it means you have to go back to Winnemucca.
I’m partial to the prostitute, I mean, very nice person.. Is it the hair? Or maybe your expressions?
December 11, 2012 at 6:24 am
I’ll see how long I can keep it up. When I start running stick figure posts about going to the store (here’s me getting black beans. Here’s me getting kidney beans. Here’s me putting them back because I realized I need pinto beans, not kidney beans)? You’ll know I’m out of stories.
The second panel with the prostitute – when I smile… I could NOT get that smile right. It’s supposed to be a “uh… hi…” smile and instead it looks like “Well, hellooooo…” *wink wink*
December 11, 2012 at 7:21 am
I figured, and you’re wrong. It’s probably my favorite picture because of the smile. I’msmilinglikethisbecausethisissooooawkward
December 11, 2012 at 7:21 am
Figure-d! Ha!
December 11, 2012 at 1:14 pm
Ooh, nice one.
December 11, 2012 at 4:02 am
“You’d be a snack”. That’s it. I think I missed the mark and Haystack is meant for me. Hilarious and scary and more hilarious and makes me want to order everyone involved a courtesy STD screening.
December 11, 2012 at 6:26 am
I remember one of the girls telling me about her “specialty” being hot tub parties – they had a hot tub room on the premises. I thought, “That water could not be hot enough or chlorinated enough for me to feel confident about getting in.”
December 11, 2012 at 4:26 am
I think I love you…even though you have a wife (not here, right?). This was fabulous. Freakin’ fabulous.
December 11, 2012 at 6:27 am
Thanks. And no, my wife’s in the other room, which I think means I’m available. Have you ever played “Traveling comedian and the mining town prostitute”?
December 11, 2012 at 5:02 am
NOOOO! Did large man think he was going to trick you into giving up the funny for free? More importantly, DID you?
And I demand a photo of you in the ironic bowling shirt.
December 11, 2012 at 6:28 am
Once I realized it was just some random guy dragging us around town, I’m sure the men in the bar wondered just who the hell we were and why we were there…
And, rest assured, the bowling shirt had a lot of black.
December 11, 2012 at 5:23 am
We’re those boobies glowing in the dark? Why don’t mine do that? Also, this made me soooooooo happy. Fabulous. Please make stick people an (ir)regular feature. Even if they take a gazillions hours to write and storyboard. So worth it.
I swear, I’m reading it again! 🙂
December 11, 2012 at 6:29 am
Thanks – I’m hoping the stick figures will get faster, if I do them more.
And the boobs can glow in the dark, but that’ll cost you extra. Although, it was Nevada, so it could just be radiation…
December 11, 2012 at 5:28 am
Awesome on so many levels! How old was Haystacks? I remember seeing clips of him fighting Dick the Bruiser from a LONG time ago. He was like 600 pounds. (Yes, I know too much about wrestling.) And that drawing of the girl at the bar looks EXACTLY like the picture of Lohan I just posted.
December 11, 2012 at 6:30 am
He was in the 50’s and early 60’s. Shockingly, he died pretty young.
I’m impressed you know who that is! I’m glad I didn’t know at the time. Thinking, ‘oh, that’s his nickname’ saved me from unnecessary panic.
January 7, 2013 at 7:15 am
This post totally inspired me – http://foodandwinehedonist.com/2013/01/07/presidents-vs-pro-wrestlers/#comment-3052
December 11, 2012 at 5:48 am
Brilliant. A tale was never told with such suspense, angst and commentary of the plight of working class America as yours . . . and with stick figures! Bravo my friend.
Just the Aqua Netted hair of the hooker alone was worth the read. So well done.
December 11, 2012 at 6:31 am
Thanks! I’m pretty pleased with it, truth be told. Shhh. Don’t tell.
December 11, 2012 at 6:19 am
That was so great!! I LOVE the cheesy smile just before you ask how she likes being a prostitute….classic!! 😀
December 11, 2012 at 1:15 pm
I had to look in the mirror for hours to get the self-portrait just right.
December 11, 2012 at 2:21 pm
Is this why your photo cuts off your face? I think we would all be better people for seeing that true cheesy grin!!
December 11, 2012 at 6:23 am
Well done. I was glued through to the end.
I’m guessing the guy who showed you around was the pimp? You deserve a hug.
December 11, 2012 at 1:15 pm
That would at least make the evening make more sense…
December 11, 2012 at 6:32 am
I had no idea stick figures could convey so much emotion! Love this! The punch line was the best. Who was that guy? 🙂
December 11, 2012 at 1:16 pm
I’ve wondered that. Does he make a habit of that kind of thing?
December 11, 2012 at 2:42 pm
It is a great way to meet people and show them “the town…”
December 11, 2012 at 6:40 am
Great story! I, too, am a fan of stick figurines!
December 11, 2012 at 1:16 pm
They’re surprisingly versatile!
December 11, 2012 at 6:47 am
Okay, coupla things:
-You really ARE advanced in your stick figure art. I mean those things were brilliant. The one in the mine, that’s awesome, and the one where you go from straight-faced to grinning at the prostitute nice person? I laughed out loud. I literally LOLd. And I don’t mean “literally” in the sense that Joe Biden usually does.
-Is it bad that I kind of want to date pre-marriage stick-figure you, if only because of the character displayed in the scene where you say it’s about how you act when she’s not around?
-I feel kind of sorry for Haystack Calhoun. I kind of want to give him a hug.
December 11, 2012 at 1:18 pm
Thanks! I spent, probably, far more time on the drawings than is appropriate, but it was a lot of fun.
I think you’d be less inclined to hug the real “Haystack” in person… if nothing else, the dust.
December 11, 2012 at 7:14 am
Your impressive stick figure skills just made me fall in love with you a little. Your wife doesn’t read your blog, right? 🙂
December 11, 2012 at 1:20 pm
No, I haven’t told her about the blog yet. The time has just never felt right.
December 11, 2012 at 7:42 am
This is the best! I want more stick figure art. Have you taken Stick Figure Drawing 101? And, hey, prostitutes. Always golden.
On another note, I got my WWSSD wristband and the kind note, thanks! I have been meaning to reply when I get a good picture of me wearing it but always seem to forget. I actually made sure to take a pic right away but when I examined it later I realized I”m terrible at taking pictures and all you can see of the bracelet is SSD.
December 11, 2012 at 1:21 pm
Hey, you don’t learn “Stick figure boobs” in 101, I had to train for years and years.
Good – glad you got the wristband! I picture would be great, but no hurry.
December 11, 2012 at 8:54 am
Dang, you’re multi-talented. Writing, acting in vlogs, and now this.
I especially like the hands on the hips pose and the face that goes along with it.
December 11, 2012 at 1:24 pm
I have a few live-in models to pose for the drawings.
December 11, 2012 at 9:32 am
I love the bit with the drinking with the prostitute. So, how do you like being a prostitute. Very entertaining!! I enjoyed this very much. I’m in no hurry to go to a mining town. I’d prefer to read your comic strips.
December 11, 2012 at 1:25 pm
It’s like getting to travel the world from your living room! A black and white, two-dimensional world where everyone has spherical heads.
December 11, 2012 at 1:29 pm
It’s perfect! I wouldn’t want it any other way!
December 11, 2012 at 9:45 am
This was hysterical! I love the stick figures. The expressions are priceless, like your teeth when you smile at the very nice prostitute at the bar. Please do more stick figure stories.
December 11, 2012 at 1:25 pm
Thanks, I’m planning to. This was sort of the inaugural run… only I burned one of my favorite stories right out of the gate. Maybe that wasn’t such a great idea.
December 11, 2012 at 11:04 am
I know P.T. Barnum’s relative are getting rich of the royalties.
December 11, 2012 at 8:08 pm
Winnemucca: The most depressing little circus in the world.
December 11, 2012 at 12:08 pm
‘mining camp hoors’
December 11, 2012 at 12:46 pm
Wow, good story. Nothing like being completely out of place!
December 11, 2012 at 8:08 pm
I know. There’s a ‘fish out of water’ story, and then there’s a ‘fish out of Earth’s atmosphere’ story.
December 11, 2012 at 2:20 pm
After all the anticipation you built yesterday, you didn’t disappoint. This is a classic level of crazy story. Free hookers? Not possible, unless you’re in that town, apparently.
December 11, 2012 at 8:09 pm
That’s a relief. I thought there was a good chance I was setting myself up today.
December 11, 2012 at 2:59 pm
Amazing how much personality and emotion a stick figure can convey. Loved it.
December 11, 2012 at 8:09 pm
They’re art’s most overlooked resource!
December 11, 2012 at 3:24 pm
I want to purchase one of your originals and have it framed. That way when you become famous after we’re all dead, and society degenerates to even lower art forms than Bieber, people will say that I had unappreciated style.
Yes. This will indeed be art. I mean, who the hell would’ve thought it of Picasso?!!?
Lovin’ your work, man.
December 11, 2012 at 8:10 pm
It’s funny, I was just about to recycle the originals and then stopped, thinking “I bet I can send a couple of these to people…” I don’t know why I would, or who’d want them, but I kept them, just in case.
December 11, 2012 at 4:49 pm
Dressed all in black you look like Seattle Starchitects, minus the Prada glasses. I call them the Urban Amish.
December 11, 2012 at 8:11 pm
I’m waiting until the glasses aren’t just for looks before I wear them. I know – weird. Call me old-fashioned.
December 11, 2012 at 4:56 pm
Once, I spent the night sleeping on a bathroom floor in the Super 8 in Winnemucca because I had food poisoning and couldn’t make it back to the bed. There were pubes. Yuck. Cartoon that Byronic Man! (By the way, I loved this post, I just have to make everything about me. So there you have it… And now I realize why my family hates me. Hmmm…)
December 11, 2012 at 8:12 pm
Wow, that was like 2 years of therapy in one comment! I just saved you, like, $5,000!
December 12, 2012 at 10:24 am
You are heroic. An artists and a therapist in one. Did you happen to get your degree in philosophy? LOL
December 12, 2012 at 4:23 am
I’m a little curious as to what the Very Nice Person’s response was to that question.
December 12, 2012 at 5:13 am
Oh ho ho ho! This was epic! I think you may have a second (or third?) career here (still hoping you show us some more of your stand up routines one day…ahem). Managing to convey complicated emotions with simple drawings takes some serious talent. When you get really famous, remember me and send me some money.
December 12, 2012 at 11:59 am
Those stick figures are priceless! What a great story, although maybe not so great when it was happening!
December 12, 2012 at 12:14 pm
Call me crazy, but this would make a nice childrens’ story. The stick figures are sure to stir the imagination of todays toddler and the use of Haystack (one of my faves from the seventies) is an instant villian with the guy showing you around being the hero of course. Give it some thought.
December 28, 2012 at 9:20 pm
And the prostitute?
December 12, 2012 at 11:22 pm
That was really good – fantastic idea and very funny.
December 13, 2012 at 6:58 am
So… you know… I hate to be ‘that guy’ (again)…
but…
your stick-figure prostitute is kinda hot.
Just sayin’.
December 28, 2012 at 9:19 pm
Hahaha again?
December 28, 2012 at 9:19 pm
Hahahha again?
December 13, 2012 at 7:40 am
Ha ha ha. this is great and I love your stick drawings!
December 13, 2012 at 3:29 pm
And if you would’ve stuck around a few days, you would’ve learned… those actually weren’t prostitutes, they were his sisters. Now you know why they named they magazine Hustler.
December 13, 2012 at 3:30 pm
Also: I think I’m going to go weep. Not only are you a great writer, but you’re also a talented sketcher? AND you’ve confronted a burglar? Some people have all the luck.
December 13, 2012 at 7:11 pm
I hate it when that happens…
December 13, 2012 at 7:56 pm
That unexpected ending – quite humorous. So, just who was that guy?
Love the stick figure drawings. You captured the yokels perfectly.
December 27, 2012 at 9:47 pm
Haha I’d be that random guy…er…chick! I now LOVE that dude.
December 28, 2012 at 9:19 pm
Hahahhahahaha YOU REMEMBER ME?! I’m so flattered you’d include me in your cartoon…
December 29, 2012 at 3:48 pm
Well, it was a memorable evening.
December 31, 2012 at 5:11 am
Excellent stick figure art to go along with the excellent story ~
February 8, 2013 at 9:37 am
Whatever happened to Murray Head?
February 8, 2013 at 5:40 pm
Still wealthy of those massive royalties, no doubt.
Also, I deeply regret titling this post this way because now every time I look at it, get a comment, anything, the song goes through my head for hours.
Every single time.
April 2, 2013 at 8:48 pm
You will never believe it, but my sister and Brother-in-law live there and I know for a fact that what you say is the truth. It is pretty hilarious that you actually went there.
April 4, 2013 at 2:21 am
My wife and I passed through there, and I was totally prepared to realize I’d turned it in to a cartoon version of itself in my mind… then we pulled in to the gas station, and the guy with the wrap-around shades at the pump next to us jumped out of his giant truck – leaving the door open, engine on, thrash-metal blasting, and air-conditioning roaring, while he filled the tank…
April 4, 2013 at 7:04 am
It is by far the most rednecky town in the North, though I think it could compete with any other redneck town down south too.
December 17, 2013 at 10:39 am
You are hilarious! I would send my son to your site for a look-see, except he’s only 14… 😉 He likes to draw comics. I think he could learn a lot from the stick-figures. I love them. Thanks for bringing humor to an otherwise colorless world (very sad attempt at melodrama).
Peace,
-C
December 17, 2013 at 2:27 pm
Thanks, I love how much you can do with stick figures. Their simplicity becomes an asset, in a funny way.