I love sharks. Love them. I do not love Shark Week. In honor of the Discovery Channel re-airing its Shark Week, I re-offer my examination of TV’s most prestigious week. Oh, you have not read it before.
So, why do I think Shark Week on The Discovery Channel is just so, so ridiculous?
Well, because…
“Sharks are calm, by nature. Focused. But for ages scientists have wondered: how will they react if we throw blood and food in the water, then slap them in the face and jab them with sharp sticks and tell them they’re fat? We endeavored to answer this age-old question and – Holy crap, they’ve gone berserk! Look at that rage! That destruction! I did NOT see this coming! This is as surprising and shocking as it is photogenic!”
Did you know that sharks have 6 senses, instead of 5? Yeah, well, you wouldn’t be thinking about that when their teeth slice through your rib cage like 50 Ginsu knives!
Because…
“Here we can see seven or eight tiger sharks swimming rather aimlessly. Notice the coloring. Here we see one nosing the camera curiously. Hm. But if we speed the film up… now it’s like they’re swarming! It’s a frenzy! Oh, the terror! That one’s coming right at the camera!!! Aaaaaaaahhhh!”
Because…
“Here we see a Yellow Shark patrolling the ocean floor, scanning for prey. He comes upon a fish and, whoa! Did you see him eat that fish?! He ate the hell out of that fish! Can you imagine if your child was that fish? Think about it! Take a minute and think about your child being that fish! Oh, there he is, slapping the water with his little palms! Look at me, mama, I love the ocean! I love you and trust you so mu – CHOMP. GULP. GONE.”
Because…
“No one knows why, exactly, shark attacks have taken such a dramatic rise in the last few years. Could it be because over-fishing has made the search for food more desperate? Could it be because there’s almost 7 billion people now so, logically, there’s going to be more people having these run-ins? Or could it be that sharks have developed an insatiable taste for nubile human flesh? Whatever the reason, shark attacks have become so common that someone who lives at the ocean and surfs every single day for years is now 8 times more likely to be attacked by a shark than he is to be attacked by a Himalayan snow leopard. In fact, shark attacks now account for nearly 0.000000000000013% of all unnatural deaths in the world each year. Each. Year.”
Because…
Then, over on the dessert table we put – Oh, Jesus, it’s like they don’t even care that they obviously look like little people!
“Now, in order to get a sense of how humans eat, we’ve made this meatloaf in the shape of a smiley face. Next, we put it in the buffet at Izzy’s at the start of the dinner rush. Let’s watch what happens… okay, a few of them have bumped it… they’re curious; checking it out… someone’s taken it! They’re eating it! They’re eating the face! Oh, lord, this is horrifying! Look at him eat the face! If that was your face that would definitely be fatal! Your face would totally be getting eaten by that guy! OH GOD, he’s eating the little meatball eye we put in the face! Truly, it reveals the cold savagery of humans that one would eat something made of food that vaguely resembles its own species! It’s own species!
Because…
“For too long have these mysterious and majestic creatures have been misunderstood because of our fears. Humans have spent countless hours ignoring the fascinating history and facets of these titans, choosing instead to fixate on the myths, simply because sharks are so much more powerful than we and we’re helpless, out there, feet dangling in the bottomless depths like that skinny-dipper at the beginning of Jaws? Remember that? Tug. Oh my God, what was that? That scene was pretty freaky, right? Because of their rows of teeth, and cold, dead, black eyes that just seem to be soulless, you know? Like you’re looking into an abyss of evil? Like your nightmares live behind those eyes? And they’re so FAST, and the teeth which reproduce in ROWS, and they can swallow you WHOLE if they’re big enough, so you’re still alive in there, and the BLOOD, and RIPPING, and SWARMS OF PURE TERROR. So, in the hopes of learning more about our planet’s oldest dominant species, we present: Shark Week.”
The Byronic Man 
August 2, 2011 at 8:42 am
Brilliant (and very funny too)! “Run….I mean swim….for your lives!”
August 2, 2011 at 9:14 am
Very good read. I freaken hated Jaws. Cheers
August 2, 2011 at 5:15 pm
Thanks, and thanks for reading.
August 2, 2011 at 10:28 am
AHHHHHHHH! (ahem)
oh yeah and AHHHHH! We’re all doomed I tells ya! oh the humanity, oh the sharkanity!
Hilarious post!
August 2, 2011 at 5:15 pm
See, a lot of people forget the second “AHHHHHH!” Well done.
August 2, 2011 at 2:01 pm
CHOMP. GULP. GONE. Hilarious!
August 13, 2012 at 4:26 am
What a lame comment.
Um.
This was hilarious.
August 3, 2011 at 4:56 am
I don’t know what frightened me more…the sharks or the fact you watch The Discovery Channel. 😉
August 3, 2011 at 10:02 am
Not to backtrack or be an apologist, but I’ve only actually seen little bits of Shark Week. I love sharks and am utterly fascinated by them to the point of considering starting a shark-worshipping cult (application are available!), so I’ve watched bits of Shark Week first as genuine interest, then disdain, then mocking belittlement.
August 13, 2012 at 4:26 am
I’ll take an application, please. I sometimes swim where sharks live, I mean FEED (what was I thinking – this is Shark Week!!)…I am hoping a “WSW” (World-wide Shark Worshipper) charm dangling from an ankle bracelet will spare my life – or at least one leg…
August 3, 2011 at 8:58 am
I would “Like” this, but that seems inappropriate because I love it! I especially appreciate the shark/Himalayan snow leopard attack comparison. I wish statistics like that were used exclusively in humorous posts, with the latter part not whispered!
Also, I assume you would not be interested in my Shark Week bag from Comic Con?* Call it a hunch. 😉
* These bags are shoved in your face as you’re walking. I’ve never actually watched Shark Week in whole or part.
August 3, 2011 at 10:01 am
Shark Week bags at Comic-Con? I can see Giant Shark vs. Mega-Octopus at a comic-con, but just Shark Week?
August 3, 2011 at 10:19 am
Yep! Crazier’n Shark Week itself, if you ask me! And that movie title? Sounds like a SyFy original movie to me!
August 5, 2011 at 6:00 pm
Oops, I meant Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus. Boy do I feel silly – the title I said is ridiculous! The real one was straight to dvd.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1350498/
August 3, 2011 at 10:39 am
Wouldn’t a “mocking belittlement” week be chock full full of chewy-gooey awesomeness?
Not that I’m hinting that you should write anything remotely like that. 🙂
August 3, 2011 at 11:30 am
I’m on it!
August 9, 2011 at 6:51 am
Im with Gow.
August 3, 2011 at 10:56 am
Not to be contrary (Get it? Contrary? Get it? You totally get it. ) but I think Shark Week is some of the best television all year. It doesn’t make me scared of sharks at all- it makes me want to be a shark. I think you’re missing the point of shark week, which is clearly that sharks are awesome but when you put music to videos of sharks they become totally freaking awesome.
August 3, 2011 at 11:34 am
Pretty much everything makes me want to be a shark (because of the awesomeness). And I suspect in the wild sharks hum their own music to enhance their bad-assness.
Ohhhh! “Contrary”! I just got that.
August 6, 2011 at 2:32 pm
So, those thousands of sharks who marched in the 1960s and sacrificed so much for their cartilage-skeletoned brethren don’t even deserve a week of their own? You must be from Arizona.
August 9, 2011 at 6:54 am
I just read an article in the current Outside magazine about the rise of shark attacks. There is great controversy regarding the chumming of the waters to get old sharkey to come and scare the crap out of tourists in a cage. The point I like the most was that we don’t go to Africa and throw out a carcass in order to attract a lion, tiger or bear, OH MY! (sorry) But we do that to the fiercest, oldest damn predator in the ocean. Stupidheads.
August 9, 2011 at 6:55 am
Oh and by the way, the locals here call sharkey The Man In The Grey Suit. Respect!
August 28, 2011 at 8:13 am
Just got back from Australia. I said something was “shocking” while I was there. Between my accent and their preoccupation with sharks, the Aussie I was speaking to thought I said, “sharking” and asked if that was an American expression. Apparently they think our Shark Week obsession has led to stupid expressions as well. Good on ya, dumb Americans!
August 29, 2011 at 6:32 am
That’s actually not a bad expression. If something was overpoweringly cool, it’s “Sharkish”. “Sharky”. “Sharking”. No, they all sound dumb. Never mind. That’s a funny story , though.
August 31, 2011 at 4:18 am
I would never have guessed shark to the the animal with a sixth sense. I was thinking more, maybe the owls. The just sit there waiting for something, like they know its happening, like they’re psychic.
August 31, 2011 at 4:20 am
….shark to be the animal*
August 31, 2011 at 5:53 am
Apparently they can basically feel the electro-magnetic energy that others beings give off. There’s really cool video of it in action. Like a digger fish burrows in to the sea floor, covers itself up. A little later a shark comes swimming by, passes by the spot – whoop, hold up! – whips around and chomps in to the ground, bad day for the digger fish.
August 13, 2012 at 4:43 am
I too can feel the electro-magnetic energy that other beings give off. Sometimes it’s cool, but other times, it’s just a headache. I’m constantly having to re-Gauss my video screens and don’t get me started about airport security.
Sharks can sense my sixth sense and give me a wide berth in the briny deep. Jellyfish are nowhere near as polite.
August 13, 2012 at 8:28 am
Wouldn’t that be a waste of a 6th sense? To be able to sense that other people are sensing? “You’re smelling something right now. I can tell.”
August 13, 2012 at 5:14 am
I’ll have to show this to my son. He recently caught a 4 1/2 foot brown shark on the NJ surf. He is actually holding it with his hands for a photo shoot. 3 girls asked him if they could take a picture with him and he got 2 phone numbers. So, in his 17 year old world..Sharks Rock! Don’t worry he thanked the shark over and over before he put him back. They had an understanding..I’ll get you some girls, you put me back…capiche.
August 13, 2012 at 8:29 am
I think it should be a law that if you have contact with a shark in the wild – in any way – that 2-3 people have to flirt with you.
August 14, 2012 at 7:13 am
I’ll get the petition ready!
August 13, 2012 at 5:39 am
I thoroughly enjoyed this. I love how the media starts the shark frenzy stories around August when news is relatively slow. It gets to such fevered pitch that I think I will be attacked by shark the minute I step outside. I’ve written about this topic myself: http://speaker7.wordpress.com/2011/10/07/shark-week-is-every-week/
August 13, 2012 at 8:39 am
It should probably be in a media 10 Commandments for getting ratings: “Sharks are always scary.”
August 13, 2012 at 7:40 am
I was watching it last night when they were throwing in the rubber seal to get it to attack and I was thinking that must piss them off real bad. They think their getting a yummy seal treat and lo and behold it’s a wetsuit. Blech.
August 13, 2012 at 8:35 am
I suppose they’re happy about all the chum being thrown to them, but after that it’s all tease. I saw a segment once in which they made a fake shark out of fiberglass (or something), and put dead fish and blood in it to see if sharks would eat it. It did, which on ONE hand might show that sight is not a dominant sense for sharks, which would seem obvious. On the OTHER hand, though, it might prove that SHARKS ARE WILLING TO EAT OTHER SHARKS. THEY JUST DON’T EVEN CARE.
August 13, 2012 at 8:29 am
I remember seeing Jaws for the first time. When that great white first raised its ugly head, I put my knee through the theater seat ahead of me!
August 13, 2012 at 8:37 am
Isn’t it weird that because the mechanical shark malfunctioned and Spielberg had to improvise (seeing things from the sharks point of view, etc.), that ever since we’ve got hundreds of movies where you don’t see the monster/villain until the end?
August 13, 2012 at 8:43 am
That is lame! I think we should protest. Yah! Let’s make some signs and march on Hollywood.
August 13, 2012 at 9:07 am
❤
August 13, 2012 at 10:06 pm
🙂
August 13, 2012 at 9:50 am
While watching Shark Week I saw a few statistics along the bottom of the screen that seem to prove that even Shark Week isn’t taking its campaign of terror very seriously anymore. One staistic was along the lines of in 2006, 26,000 people were harmed by air fresheners and 43,000 people were harmed by toilets, while only 25 people were harmed by sharks.
August 13, 2012 at 9:57 pm
Coming this Fall: AIR FRESHENER WEEK.
How do you get harmed by an air freshener?
August 14, 2012 at 10:20 am
We know so little about the world of air fresheners and our place in their ecosystem. (Obviously they are setting up Air Freshener Week for next year by starting the panic now.)
August 13, 2012 at 9:59 am
Interesting. My dad told me a joke about sharks this weekend & I assure you, he doesn’t know it’s Shark Week. I wouldn’t have if not for you!
August 13, 2012 at 10:09 am
Candygram.
*Please tell me you’ve seen the old SNL Land Shark skit… otherwise I’m going to feel even sillier than I normally do by this point.*
August 13, 2012 at 10:29 am
I loved the Land Shark skits…and whenever I knock on someone’s door I say “Candygram”…
August 13, 2012 at 10:00 pm
*knock knock*
“Who is it?”
“Plumber.”
“I didn’t call for a plumber.”
‘”Flowers.”
“Flowers from whom?”
“Candygram.”
“Oh, you’re that landshark. You can’t fool me.”
“Listen, ma’am, I’m not really a shark. I’m just a dolphin.”
“Oh really? Well I guess that’s okay then-AAAAHHHH!!!”
August 13, 2012 at 10:21 am
If made a pizza in the shape of a doe-eyed kitten, I would eat that pizza. Happily. With no remorse. I’m with the sharks on this one.
August 13, 2012 at 10:03 pm
You know, it would be an interesting experiment to see what shapes of food people are more reluctant to eat. It wouldn’t prove very much, but it’d be interesting. I mean, people eat gingerbread men and animal crackers…
August 13, 2012 at 11:22 am
I’m only one paragraph in but I already “liked” this. . . . I’ll be back. Reading from work: the sharks are circling.
August 13, 2012 at 10:05 pm
Oh, work sharks are the most dangerous. Great whites only attack out of hunger.
And judging by my dismal hit count today… you have not been back. Everyone’s over me, aren’t they…
August 13, 2012 at 12:22 pm
I don’t watch much of the Shark Week events on Discovery Channel (“Shark Week” means something different around my household), but I STILL have “cage dive with Great Whites” on my Bucket List. They can’t scare me!!!
August 13, 2012 at 10:01 pm
Me too. Although I’m curious if it’s possible to hyperventilate in a scuba tank.
August 14, 2012 at 12:11 pm
I’m going to say it is possible… then again – is that what the regulator is for? (I’ve not scuba dived ever…)
August 13, 2012 at 2:47 pm
Shark Week teaches us all the importance of not impersonating a seal and jumping around making seal noises….regardless of if you live in Colorado far away from any sharks. Better safe than sorry.
August 13, 2012 at 10:05 pm
Nobody’s going to tell me when I can and can’t play “wounded seal” in the ocean, by gar!
August 14, 2012 at 5:32 am
I imagine the other 51 weeks of the year sharks get terrified by watching tv shows depicting what humans do to other humans, the environment, animals, space, the oceans, …
August 14, 2012 at 9:55 pm
If they ever knew what we were doing to the oceans, shark, whale and squid attacks would go up about a billion percent. Give or take.
August 14, 2012 at 8:37 am
I love Shark Week and I don’t care what you say. You cannot take my Shark Week away from me. They’re ginormous, most humans never see one, they have razor-sharp teeth in rows and their entire faces retract when they open wide. Awesomesauce.
August 14, 2012 at 9:57 pm
Oh, I love them and their hunting perfection. I just tire of 58 minutes of “KILL DEATH TERROR” and then 2 minutes of “Of course, sharks don’t actually like to eat people and prefer to be left alone.”
August 14, 2012 at 9:03 am
Oh man. I will never feel the same about eating those delicious scrumptious gingerbread men again! Thanks a lot, B. Thanks for ruining Christmas for me. What a scrooge!
Did you see the story of the guy who was rescued after his boat sank and when they showed the video of him treading water, they pulled back and you could see like 20 dark shapes in the water all around him. For some strange reason, though, he was not eaten. Maybe they were just full from eating the OTHER guy who was in the boat with them. Yeah, that’s probably it.
August 14, 2012 at 9:58 pm
They were probably just trying to freak him out. “Dude, this will be hilarious! He’ll totally crap himself!”
August 14, 2012 at 12:20 pm
I love sharks. I root for the shark in those documentaries. I also root for the bull if ever I’m forced to watch bull riding or similar nonsense.
August 14, 2012 at 9:59 pm
When I hear about things like “bear-baiting” I root for poorly-made bear chains.
August 14, 2012 at 3:47 pm
I’m all excited about shark week now. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. You have to admit, the sharks are cool. But, I don’t want to swim with them ever. 🙂
August 14, 2012 at 10:01 pm
I keep meaning to do a “Why I love sharks” post, but I’m afraid it would just sound like a 12-year-old girl describing a pop star. “Omigod, they’re totally sooooooo cool! I love them! They have six senses and can swim super fast and, omigod! Eeeeeeee!”
August 14, 2012 at 10:28 pm
Oh, but I see that you DO love them. It can be our secret. That’s what you actually wanted to do, isn’t it?
August 14, 2012 at 11:52 pm
Am I a bad person because your post made me crave gingerbread men?
August 17, 2012 at 12:50 am
For making me laugh every time I come on your blog, I have nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award.
https://funnyphuppo.wordpress.com/2012/08/17/inspirations-and-awards/
I am not sure if you have gone through this before, but these are the 3 steps to follow if you choose to accept it:
1) Backlink to the blogger who gave you the award
2) Tell us 7 things about yourself that we don’t know yet through your blog
3) Nominate 15 blogs that inspire you
Since you have probably done this many times before, you can just reply to this comment with a link to the last time you did it.