Putting The “Land” Back In “Greenland.” Possibly Also The “Green,” I’m Not Sure.

July 26, 2012


Scan from July 8, on left. 4 days later on the right. Everyone focuses on the bad, but do you notice what a slimming effect the snow melt has? Isn’t that nice?

As you may have seen, on July 8, Greenland’s ice sheet had melted to the point that it generally melts by the end of a hot summer. Four days later, NASA satellites took another scan and thought their scanner was on the fritz: 97% of the remaining ice sheet had melted.  Now, many are quick to point to Global Warming, just because of little things like this, and the fact that almost 200 record high temperatures have already been set this year – the odds of which are about 1 in 1.6 million.  But, you know what?  I bet over 1.6 million things have happened in the world, meaning statistically it makes perfect sense.  So, you know, there.  Take that, science.

And there are so many logical reasons for the ice sheet in Greenland to have melted. Why, I bet I could come up with 100 totally logical, plausible reasons for the ice sheet to have melted.

Well. I bet I could come up with 8.

1. That Pipaluk Jensen is one hell of a snow shoveler.  The work ethic on that kid?  Tell him a Danish Krone for every wheel-barrow of snow he cleans up?  Sure.  He could do it.

2. Greenland is secretly amassing an arsenal for a snowball fight of global proportions.

Suaasat. It’s a soup. It’s made with potatoes, onion, and then your choice of reindeer, seal, whale, or sea-birds. Hm? No, I didn’t make it up!

3. The Greenlanders painted the snow red as a prank on NASA.  They snorting their suaasat out their noses right now.

4. Theft.   Has anyone seen Iceland lately?

5.  Someone, with an almost tragic misunderstanding of how economics works, bought it all and stored it away in an effort to “corner the market.”

6. My dog loves eating snow.  Loves it.  You know how many dogs there are in Greenland?  Well, me either, but I bet it’s a lot.  There’s even a breed called a Greenland Dog. Think about it.  So, maybe a little less “global warming”, a little more “keeping your dog in the yard.”

You see, the Higgs-Boson particle, or “God particle” as it’s being called, was discovered in Switzerland, which is like Greenland in that it’s got snow and ends in “land.” If this particle is truly God-like, it could easily get rid of some snow in 4 days, especially if we’ve angered it by disturbing its slumber. Perhaps they should consider sacrifice? I’m just being logical.

7. It’s because of the Higgs-Boson particle.   Oh, what, like you understand the Higgs-Boson particles well enough to refute this point.

8. Somebody left a hair-dryer on and then went on vacation for four days.  It happens.  You know the United States’ famous “dust bowl” drought of the 1930’s?  Hair Dryer.

See?  Don’t any one of these make more sense?  Any one of these is a thousand times more plausible than Global Warming, and thus – if I understand the laws of mathiticity – these are 8,000 times more likely, and so definitely true.

There.  Crisis? Averted.

, , ,

About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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80 Comments on “Putting The “Land” Back In “Greenland.” Possibly Also The “Green,” I’m Not Sure.”

  1. wildramp Says:

    We flew over Greenland coming back from Europe 3 summers ago and I was pretty surprised by how much snow was missing. I was used to those maps of the big white area. I suppose there are still some people who want to deny that we are going through a climate change, especially when the term “global warming” is used and there is a bad winter snowstorm.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      That’s my favorite. “Well, if global warming is real, then why is it cold outside?” I wonder if people who say that also panic every time it gets dark, because clearly the sun has burned out.


  2. 1pointperspective Says:

    I heard Bitti Jonnsenn’s father yelling at her for leaving the door open – “Vat are you’s trying to air condition dee whole cooontry, Bitti?! Cloze dat door!”

    Clearly she should have listened.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Did you ever watch the brilliant Arrested Development? “And that’s why you don’t leave doors open.”

      I can explain this quote if the answer is “no.” And like all explained jokes from thing you haven’t seen, it will be hilarious.


  3. Blogdramedy Says:

    Your logic is as tight as a mosquito’s ass over a rain barrel. I bet you’ve sold a few bridges to nowhere in your time. 😉


  4. speaker7 Says:

    Of course, it’s not global warming. What the hell do nerdy scientist jerks know? I tend to believe those people who yell on TV how global warming is a myth because it is a scientific fact that those who yell the loudest win. Now I understand I just undermined my argument by throwing “scientific fact” into it, but this scientific fact was created by the cool scientists, like, the football scientists.


  5. on thehomefrontandbeyond Says:

    I love them all – but especially number 7! As usual, I enjoyed your clever take on things.


  6. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    Those scientists have got nothing on you. Always jumping to conclusions. It’s obviously the dogs, people have major problems keeping them on leashes.

    Great post. 🙂


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      You know, I think I’ll start calling myself a scientist. After all, it’s not like being a doctor or lawyer where there’s a specific credential. It’s like being an artist – I am one if I say so. I’m just a scientist who makes things up. A really, really, really bad scientist.

      So you can tell people you read the most interesting science article this morning about the snow melt in Greenland…


      • Don't Quote Lily Says:

        Not only can I say that I READ the most interesting science article, I can also tell them that I “spoke” to a very popular scientist. And I too am scientific…by association. 😀


      • Remediator Says:

        I heard a talk show guest the other day being introduced as a “Republican Economist.” When did economists get assigned to a party? Maybe you could be “a Tea Party scientist.” I think they get paid better than “democratic scientists” because they have to be more creative. And louder.


  7. tinkerbelle86 Says:

    Jeez, who left the heating on again?!


  8. mylifeisthebestlife Says:

    Some girlfriends and I watched a documentary about Jesus Camp once as a joke. In it, we found my favorite argument for every occasion. “Science doesn’t prove anything.”


  9. Anna Says:

    I bet it’s the red paint thing. When else would Greenland be able to play such an elaborate global prank? 🙂


  10. Jackie Cangro Says:

    Here’s another plausible idea. One outstanding salesperson found a way to sell ice to an Inuit. All of the ice has been relocated and the salesperson is vacationing in Hawaii after winning “salesperson of the year.”


  11. Michelle Gillies Says:

    I think they have started growing henna shrubs. I’ve heard they had a bumper crop this year and can’t harvest it quickly enough. The dye molecule in henna has seeped into the land and stained all the snow.
    It could happen.


  12. sj Says:

    Take THAT, science! BAM!


  13. mj monaghan Says:

    Next, you’ll tell us that Iceland is really green! And Finland has fins – not the people, but the rubber things that make you swim faster.


  14. Eagle-Eyed Editor Says:

    Guess I’ll have to watch it when I use my hair dryer in the future! I wouldn’t want to melt Greenland or Antarctica. 😉


  15. DiatribesAndOvations.com Says:

    Nope. The gays made the ice sheet melt. Ask any Radical Christian. The gays are to blame for everything.


  16. Erynn Elizabeth Says:

    you totally made me snort my suaasat.


  17. Wilma Says:

    Actually, as of yesterday, I’ve determined that it’s my soon to be ex husband’s fault. (AKA STBex.) One of my readers has not only blamed him for my weight gain, but is fairly certain he’s also the one responsible for JFK’s death, the war in Afghanistan, and world hunger, not to mention the cancellations of (respectively) Twin Peaks, Arrested Development and Firefly.

    The melting of Greenland’s ice sheet totally seems like something he would do.


  18. Jamie Says:

    Whew! Also, you’re right about the slimming affect. Why does no one notice these things?!


  19. Raymond Says:

    Well I completely understand the de-funding of NASA now. I mean if they can’t hold on to a dictionary they certainly have no right building space ships, oh and they might be just a tad more efficient if they actually looked up into space rather down onto Greenland…but I digress. So in defense of my eight cylindar hemi powered SUV…”climate” is something that occurs over looooooong periods of time while “weather” is more “current.” So they certainly are having some warm, snow melting weather in Greenland which in terms of climate evidence (from ice samples or something like that) occurs every 150 years or so. How much did it cost to get this “breaking news” from NASA – that climatologist have had for about 25 years? Sorry great post! The likely cause of ice melting…the natural cycle of the earth.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      He drives an SUV! It’s his fault! Get him!

      That’s absolutely true about weather vs. climate. The weather patterns we see in front of us would probably be better regarded as symptoms or evidence of a much – much – larger question. And I think at both ends of the spectrum people are guilty of looking at a slice in front of them and declaring case closed. Such is humanity. That something unusual/transitory is happening seems pretty definitive at this point – and it’s hard not to leap to judgment on the “human” question (again – at both ends). Anyway, good point – thanks for commenting!


  20. susielindau Says:

    I find it very suspicious that Greenland is full of ice and Iceland has a more moderate climate. From the satellite view it looks as thought it should be called, “Redland.”


  21. pegoleg Says:

    I’ve never trusted Higgs-Boson. Brilliant expose.


  22. Go Jules Go Says:

    Sorry, everyone. I heard it was really hard to get bags of ice on Labor Day weekend, so I’m planning ahead.

    But your frozen margaritas are on me!


  23. carolofthebells Says:

    Ew, henna’d snow. IF there was a melt, it should go without saying that it’s both Bush’s and Obama’s fault. Apart from that declaration, I may be a bit out of the loop–I thought Higgs-Boson was a hospital. (What I’m really embarrassed about, though, is that I thought it was “mathiNicity” all this time. Gah.)


  24. Elyse Says:

    You could sell this to Limbaugh!


  25. Angie Z. Says:

    These are all quite probable theories, and I’m just so glad you didn’t pull in concrete scientific evidence into this. Global warming is obviously an elaborate concoction created by Al Gore, the Democrats, Jane Fonda, the homosexuals, people who carry their own bags to the grocery store, and rock and rollers.


  26. colinsplace Says:

    Well as Homer Simpson said “Facts are meaningless, they can be used to prove anything” You know its the truth, it’s printed on a pair of boxer shorts I own!


  27. they still let me vote Says:

    Sorry to disagree with you Byronic Man but the TRUTH is…
    (Damn!…I’ve given the game away…you now know it’s a lie because I made the elementary mistake of putting it in CAPITALS…)

    …someone told Tony Blair that the ice sheet hid “weapons of mass destruction”…

    …the man REALLY needs to let it go…

    …only kidding right…the white on the first scan is clearly spilt “Tip-ex”


  28. Kate Says:

    Nah, we just got sick of it being so hot down here. We started digging to china and thought, well why stop there?! Continued on to Greenland and found all this cold stuff. Way more cold stuff than they could possibly need for such an unpopulated outpost. Shellfish Greenland. So we pillaged it and then carried it back through our tunnel – we have a lot of engineers here, so it was a good tunnel – to make Australia a bit colder.
    If you want to see your ice again, Northern Hemisphere, you’ll have to get on a plane and visit. BYO drinks.



  29. Dale Long Says:

    A large contingent of coke addicts moved in, or, or a chili eating contest. The after shock of that would cause their own localized greenhouse effect…
    I suspect if dogs were the cause, it would show as yellow.
    And how does one go about getting reindeer out of their nose?


  30. kaypix Says:

    Reblogged this on Think Slimmer and commented:
    Byronic man, hilarious!


  31. earthriderjudyberman Says:

    The poor, maligned hair dryer. First it was faulted for frizzing hair. And, now, the final indignity …it’s linked to the Dust Bowl in the 1930s and to Greenland’s disappearing icy land mass.


  32. anecdotaltales Says:

    It isn’t the actual crisis that’s the problem, it’s how you perceive the crisis. Earthquake, or temporary house-wide waterbed? Tornado, or free dryers for the county? Don’t fix the world, fix that chip on your shoulder!


  33. List of X Says:

    From the picture, it looks like a total communist takeover of Greenland.



  1. It’s Melting! Meltinggg! « greenismything - July 28, 2012

    […] were malfunctioning. Seems like a cause for major concern, right? Some point to climate change; the Byronic Man, jokester that he is, theorizes that perhaps the Greenlanders just painted all their ice red . […]

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