“We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs that are simply a relabeling of Outcome-Based Education (OBE) (mastery learning) which focus on behavior modification and have the purpose of challenging the student’s fixed beliefs and undermining parental authority.” – page 20, Republican Party of Texas, 2012, official platform on education.
Grade School
You saw him at the mall, didn’t you? And downtown? And on TV? How much “proof” do you need, Professor Thinkypants?
Middle School
…and so tomorrow we’ll start our unit over the causes of The American Civil War. Have you all brought in your homework, so we can add what your parents think to the textbook’s blanks? Let’s see, we have: “Slavery,” “Slavery,” “Slavery,” okay, fine, “The North wanted cotton,” um, sure, okay. I can work with that. “Silver”… Silver? Uh, Randall, do your parents think it’s called The Silver War? I see. I’ll just add that as another name for it here… okay, we’ve also got, “Slavery,” “Northern Aggression,” “Robert Stanson.” Huh? Tammy, isn’t that your dad’s name? Did he just sign this without reading it? Um, I’m not sure how to handle this. I’ll figure it out. Moving on: “Freedom isn’t free,” “Northern aggression,” “The”… *sigh*… “The Gays.” Really. Um, I, um… okay, we can work that in somehow. “Taxes,” “Communism,” and “Fart.”
***********High School
“I was a-trembling, because I’d got to decide, forever, betwixt two things, and I knowed it. I studied a minute, sort of holding my breath, and then says to myself: ‘Alright then, I should just do as I’s told and fergit all this Higher Order Thinkin’.’ And I turned Jim in, and went back home and apologized to Pa.”
Adulthood
Voters Ballot – Presidential Election, 2032 Instructions: You are about to vote for president. You must only vote for one candidate. If you are not sure if you are allowed to vote, check your iVote app. Once you have voted you can’t vote again. Your vote is not the only one. Please remember that voting for a candidate does not guarantee that he will win. When voting, remember the slogans they said, and vote for the best slogans. Warning: It may not be physically possible to do the things the candidate promises to do. The candidate may know this. Please consider what’s possible to do before believing the candidate. Reminder, you must actually push the button to vote for the candidate. Simply thinking about who you want to vote for is not a legal vote. If you can’t remember the candidate’s name, simply push the picture of the candidate you like best. Finally: commercials are available to tell you who to vote for.
The Byronic Man 
July 16, 2012 at 3:27 am
For some reason putting the aftermath of being dumbed down into a realistic scenario really just scared the crap out of me. I mean, it’s one thing to think about it and get shivers, but this…this is a whole other……oh wait, what’s that date the Mayans were chatting about on their stones…can’t get here soon enough.
July 16, 2012 at 7:02 am
Let’s hope the Mayan education system was in good shape.
July 16, 2012 at 3:28 am
My parents tell me that your post is quite clever.
July 16, 2012 at 6:27 am
Ha! Perfect.
July 16, 2012 at 7:03 am
With my new E-Z-Satire software anyone can be clever! Did you see the part where I wrote “fart”? Heheheheheheheheh.
July 17, 2012 at 1:46 am
Haha!
“Are you still writing satire the old way?” (Ape sadly nods)
“Are your flatulence jokes falling flat?” (Ape sadly nods again)
“Then say hello to the E-Z-Satire 1000!” …
July 16, 2012 at 3:42 am
My Dad doesn’t talk much, but my Mom says Africa is a country. She’s not from Texas, she’s from Alaska. Is she still right?
July 16, 2012 at 7:04 am
Yes, unless she says that Alaska is bigger than Texas.
July 16, 2012 at 8:47 am
And, some of my relatives think we need tougher immigration laws because the people they work with refuse to speak anything but Mexican. Are they right?
July 16, 2012 at 12:31 pm
Absolutely. No foreign languages should be spoken here. First, no more talking Mexican. Next, no more Englandish. This is America, and we’ll speak American, as soon as we invent it.
I suggest a series of loud grunts and profanity.
July 16, 2012 at 12:56 pm
…and farting.
July 16, 2012 at 5:20 am
If I were able to think for myself, I would think this was a fantastic indictment of the dumbing down of our educational system.
July 16, 2012 at 7:06 am
Let me check the multiple choice response and make sure that’s the right opinion.
July 16, 2012 at 10:28 am
Can you turn this into a Christian/Ana dialog?
July 16, 2012 at 12:35 pm
I had to Google search that. I’m waaaaaay out of the loop on 50 Shades of Gray. I love the “THIS IS ACTUAL DIALOGUE FROM THE BOOK” lists.
July 17, 2012 at 7:40 am
Speaker7 can clear up any questions you might have about 50 Shades. She is the go to go person for that.
July 16, 2012 at 5:28 am
I couldnt get past the first paragrah because of all the words. But did you just call people in Texas dumb? ‘Cuz they got guns.
July 16, 2012 at 7:06 am
You know, it’s funny, because Texas sometimes seems like its own planet (for better, for worse, or for weirder), but I have never met anyone from Texas I didn’t like.
July 16, 2012 at 7:10 am
Same here. 100%. I just think the people I know from Texas are not on the school board. Or part of the Tea Party. I don’t think, but I could be wrong. Hmmmm.
July 16, 2012 at 6:35 am
Orchard writing suits you, B! Is it the hazelnuts? Do they make you even more clever? Can you send us some? Do they taste good with soggy tomatoes?
My parents taught me to ask a lot of questions. ‘Interested is interesting, Jules,’ they always used to say. They also taught me not to let facts get in the way of a good story, so this memory may just reflect a quote I read on a bag of tea once. That’s also a lie. I don’t know where the hell I read it.
You need a new category for some these recent posts, like: Laughing But Scared Or: Crying on the Inside.
July 16, 2012 at 7:07 am
It’s my transitional stage to becoming nothing but angry letters to the editor and conspiracy theories.
July 16, 2012 at 7:10 am
The original name for Go Guilty Pleasures was “Go Conspiracy Theories (Hey How Did You Get This URL?)”. I still think it has potential.
July 16, 2012 at 12:36 pm
I like it. It’s snappy, and easy to type in to the URL bar.
July 16, 2012 at 4:00 pm
And just imagine the search engine terms! Hey, does anyone ever search for sexy Stalin?
July 16, 2012 at 6:02 pm
They do, but that leads them straight to Madame Weebles blog!
July 16, 2012 at 8:44 pm
You’d think I’d have at least one, wouldn’t you? I have a few for “Ask sexy”, and 3 for “Stalin as a young man.” That’s as close as I’ve gotten, though.
July 16, 2012 at 6:43 am
Quite possibly the scariest thing I’ve read… ever. But I’ll have to check with my parents and get back to you on that.
I particularly enjoyed the section right above it, about “Controversial Theories” that stated teachers and students should be able to challenge and discuss topics… hmm… must be something they do on “Bring Your Parents to School” day.
In the meantime, projected headline for 2032: “Housing Market Crashes Again, as 60% of Americans Refuse to Move Out of Parents Home”.
July 16, 2012 at 12:38 pm
I’m confident that the “Students should be able to challenge topics” is a diplomatic precursor to every “Well, you’ve presented a lot of data and history and analysis but I’m entitled to my opinion!” statement hurled at the teachers.
July 16, 2012 at 6:45 am
Is the quote from The Republican Party of Texas for real? I’m in Australia so not familiar with USA politics. It must be a joke, right? Please, please tell me it’s a joke.
July 16, 2012 at 7:00 am
Yeah, it’s actually from their mission statement. I included a link to the actual document, because I agree – it doesn’t sound real.
The US is not in a good place, politically. There’s this anti-intellectual backlash – from both major parties, not just Republicans – that’s deeply frightening for our future.
July 16, 2012 at 9:13 am
Oh, I am so sorry. And I thought Aussie politics was bad. I’ll have to temper my criticisms a bit, maybe, perhaps, possibly – bugger it, no. I’ll hang on to my higher order thinking skills (my mum said I can) and attempt to “keep the bastards honest”. (We used to have a minor Political party that used the preceding phrase as a philosophy – the party withered away. Sigh.)
July 16, 2012 at 7:16 am
In the 60s, the mantra was “Question authority.” It seems the public would be less inclined to do that today if it allows itself to be led by political ads and mass-media hype.
Your scenarios are, indeed, scary. But I don’t think they’re that far off.
I teach 7th grade Language Arts (English) and find one of the most difficult concepts for students is inference which involves critical thinking skills. This is not just some high-faluting concept to be shunned. It involves everyday decision making. Employers also would find these skills more valuable than the ability to bubble in answers on tests.
July 16, 2012 at 12:42 pm
I teach college prep, and the two principle things college look for are essay writing ability, and critical thinking skills.
And you’re right, critical thinking is not some “elitist” concept, it’s what makes us adults, mentally. The inability to analyze and make critical decisions is an inability to construct and independent life.
July 16, 2012 at 7:35 am
This is a scary world and the future? Well I hope it doesn’t get that bad…
I had no idea Texas was that backward. And to think of all the crap Arkansas takes for education or lack thereof.
July 16, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Well, if you follow the whole “everything’s bigger in Texas” idea, it makes sense – they have the same ideas as other states, they just seem to get outsized there.
July 16, 2012 at 8:08 am
“Simply thinking about who you want to vote for is not a legal vote.”
Got into a spat with The Duchess last night over the US being the best country in the world. I almost fell out of my chair. “At WHAT?” Just because she remembers the 50s doesn’t mean we’re in the same situation.
We should be #1. I don’t get where the US lost its drive to BE number one and not just say it. Calling myself tall does not make it true. I’m the tallest female in mum’s family but 5’2″ is not “tall.” Just because I’m taller than dwarves doesn’t make me the tallest.
July 16, 2012 at 12:50 pm
Have you seen Aaron Sorkin’s new show The Newsroom? It’s flawed, but fun for the same reason West Wing was fun, as a sort of fantasy show.
The first scene of the first episode involves a news-anchor having a meltdown during a Q&A with college students. One asks why he believes America is the greatest country in the world. He finally explodes that it’s not, by any standard by which societies can be compared. He says that it should be, and could be again, but that the only 3 areas the US leads in is incarcerations per capita, percentage of people who believe angels are real, and defense spending (equalling the next 26 countries combined, 25 of whom are allies).
July 16, 2012 at 8:35 am
Well, I could comment on this post, but my parents do not know about my blog, blogging in general, or this fancy new thing called the interwebz, so I guess I’ll have to get back to you.
Also, is there an app for that?
July 16, 2012 at 12:51 pm
Well, not to worry – if we keep slashing education investments, we won’t have the Internet to worry about here much longer. No one will be able to run it.
July 16, 2012 at 8:38 am
“Everyone should be reading http://www.mjmonaghan.com/ if, or when, he publishes a new post, go back and read his archives, and share with the WORLD. Critical reasoning skills will certainly diminish, you will be asking your parents for advice, and possibly never leave their basement.”
Un-Official platform on WordPress Education, 2012
July 16, 2012 at 12:52 pm
Gosh, I guess I better do what that writing says.
July 16, 2012 at 8:54 am
My mother always told me it was impolite to ask a person how they voted, which now leaves me like a ship without a sail. It occurs to me that it was impolite because asking would cause a person to feel the need to explain their logic, and there, quite obviously, isn’t any.
July 16, 2012 at 8:55 am
BTW, thanks for getting my week started with a feeling of fear and dread for our nation. That’s just great.
July 16, 2012 at 12:54 pm
Sorry. I’m thinking of changing my slogan to “Byronic Man: come for the hilarity, stay for the profound terror for our future!”
July 16, 2012 at 9:21 am
*shudder*
July 16, 2012 at 12:55 pm
I second that.
July 16, 2012 at 10:35 am
Aren’t you glad they’re finally teaching critical thinking skills in school? Oh…um…nevermind.
July 16, 2012 at 12:59 pm
Here I thought it was the goal of education, turns out it’s subversion on par with skateboarding, pac-man, and hula-hoops.
July 16, 2012 at 10:37 am
The educational system in this country is representative of mostly everything else: What’s in it for me (or my kids). Money talks. What appears so, isn’t. Expediency at all cost. The problems we have are because of them (Latinos/Democrats/illegal aliens/Republicans/space aliens/black people/insert whatever group you wish). Aside from that, I think we rock and the ability to read or think is seriously overrated.
July 16, 2012 at 1:01 pm
It’s startling how quickly people who fight and fight for education funding stop IMMEDIATELY after their children graduate. Really? You’re not even going to ease into abandoning education?
July 16, 2012 at 11:32 am
I think this is a brilliant post. Damn. There I go, thinking again. Can’t…shake…independent…thought!! 😉
July 16, 2012 at 12:58 pm
It’s okay. Don’t worry. You’re going to want to head over to YouTube, and watch a little Jersey Shore, maybe some Big Brother.
You’re going to be okay.
July 16, 2012 at 12:57 pm
Once again, you have nailed it.
July 16, 2012 at 1:41 pm
This sounds exactly like what I just graduated from…I wasted 13 years of my life in K-12.
July 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm
This and the almost certain understanding that there will be no way for me to support myself is what makes me kind of not mind the idea of dying really young.
July 16, 2012 at 6:09 pm
Oh dammit! I’ve already written my “Santa Claus and Seahorses” post… but it comes frighteningly close to the beginning of this post. (As a kid, I thought both were fake. Yeah, not my brightest moment, but a funny story…) Dammit again.
As for the blog content, come November I haven’t decided if I’m going to vote for Santa Claus or Mark Twain. My parents tell me Mark Twain is better qualified, but I can see myself being bribed with the right toys, especially if the elves are willing to make shoes!!
July 16, 2012 at 9:26 pm
There’s Bible, Limbaugh and Fox, why would children need any education besides that?
July 17, 2012 at 1:38 am
Reblogged this on Manila Pop!.
July 17, 2012 at 3:15 am
What better way to “indoctrinate” (oops, we mean educate!) the population than with the equivalent of a “mandatory 13-year prison stretch” (oops, we mean K-12!). After all, we need to prepare future generations for “conformity” (oops, we mean critical thinking!) and “incarceration” (oops, we mean lifelong learning!).
July 17, 2012 at 4:23 am
Isn’t it true Texas wants to become its own country? I was reading a couple of your comments. My husband is a professor at a community college. Lots of his students can’t put two words together, but they have such a sense of entitlement. I think it’s pretty sad.
July 17, 2012 at 7:58 pm
Yep, governor Kerry has said he wants Texas to succeed (sic). Of course, that was before he wanted to be president of the United States.
July 18, 2012 at 1:29 am
Why am I not surprised? 🙂 Thanks for the comment.
July 17, 2012 at 5:02 am
Isn’t that document horrifying? Being from Texas I hang my head in shame but am grateful my children are adults and out of the school system. Unfortunately my DiL wants to be a teacher, just finished her degree when I showed her this document she started to cry.
There are worse parts of it though. Far worse parts.
July 17, 2012 at 7:29 am
I’m absolutely terrified. Terrified to share this on Facebook, that is, because I fear that some of my “friends” may see no problem with it. As a music teacher, I can’t help but put this into terms of my discipline. “What do you mean, play the music expressively? Tell me exactly how to play it, and that’s how it’ll be done. Actually, my mom said it should have been written this way. We’ll just do it like that at the concert. Also, here’s a note from my mom with what we’ll be playing on the next concert.”
July 17, 2012 at 7:57 am
Well, you know, music is all about playing in a rigid, mechanical thump. That’s how you know you’re playing it “right.” Especially jazz.
July 17, 2012 at 9:26 am
“Four legs good two legs bad.” or is it “Four legs good two legs better” I know I’ll ask my dad… oh hang on he’s dead…I’ll ask my mum… oh hang on my kids shopped her to the thought police… does anyone know what I should think?
July 17, 2012 at 1:01 pm
This is very funny but also so sad that I come close to crying. I have to believe that not all Texans are so backward. Back in the 50s my grandpa used to say, This Country is going to hell in a hand basket” I just wonder what he would say now!
July 17, 2012 at 8:01 pm
Maybe he’d say, “This country is going to Texas in a handbasket”.
July 29, 2012 at 7:27 am
Or maybe Grandpa would say “shit, we’re in hell, and it looks like Texas led the way.”
July 29, 2012 at 7:28 am
I came to this post way late. It is brilliant, B-Man. More so than usual.
To just ratchet up the scary, what goes into school books intended for Texas goes into those for the rest of the country, because of the bulk ordering from the state of Texas. So if you don’t like what’s happening in Texas, just wait. It could soon be coming to a school near you.