Part C: Psychological Profile
Now that you’ve completed personal information the employment history, please answer the following questions honestly, in order to give us a clear sense of who you are, and how well you’d fit with the company dynamic. Don’t worry – there are no wrong answers, it’s just a way to help us get to know you a little better.
1. Under what conditions would you find it acceptable to disagree with a manager?
- A. If I believed he was wrong
- B. If I believed he was putting the company at risk
- C. Never. My manager is my leader and my superior and to disagree would be foolish and to violate the basic order of things.
Okay, and what if he WAS burying toxic waste under schoolyards. How about then? Hypothetically.
2. Let’s say the manager is doing something that’s – technically – a felony even though, come on, it’s totally not a big deal. It’s not like he’s burying toxic waste in schoolyards, or something. Would you be cool with that, or would you get all Stressington McTight-ass about it?
3. The waiting room you’re sitting in while you fill this out is monitored via camera. We would like you to punch yourself in the face. Right now. Do it. Punch yourself in the face. Do it.
4. Which of the following activities have you engaged in least often?
- A. Drug smuggling
- B. Murder-for-hire
- C. Treason
Hey, sometimes it’s a “burn down a humane society” world out there, sport.
5. Let’s say we offered you the job on the condition that you burn down a Humane Society. Would you do it?
- If No: Maybe ask yourself how much you really want this job.
- If Yes: Seriously? Wow.
6. Do you believe employees need to be paid for every single little hour they work even though they should be happy to have a job at all and so the occasional “volunteer shift” is hardly a lot to ask?
Walker, right, seen here on the cover of the first season of That’s My Mama.
7. A manager mentions that he always liked Jimmie Walker, and his catch phrase “Dynomite!” from the sitcom, That’s My Mama. Do you…
- A. Correct him, that the show was actually Good Times.
- B. Not mention it and go along.
- C. Forever assert that Jimmie Walker was on That’s My Mama, and should you see an episode of Good Times with Walker on it, insist to whomever is around that, “This must be a cross-over episode.”
8. If approached by another employee about unionizing you would…
- A. Listen to what they have to say, perhaps over a drink of Russian vodka by the light of a burning American flag.
- B. Render them immobile and report them to management immediately.
- C. Kill them.
9. Who would win in a race: Superman, or The Flash? Consider carefully before you answer.
10. Would you describe the relationship between regularly ingesting substantial quantities of mercury and illness as…
- A. Proven
- B. Hardly scientifically conclusive
- C. None of my business
This completes the psychological profile. By completing and/or reading this far you have agreed to the terms and conditions of employment, including forfeiture of 3 Constitutional rights, to be named later. We will notify you of our decision.
The Byronic Man 
May 31, 2012 at 3:25 am
I’ve seen worse.
May 31, 2012 at 3:56 am
I’m scared that could be true.
May 31, 2012 at 4:04 am
Someone I know had to fill out some sort of psychological form for a job, and it was actually worse than Byronic’s, though not quite as obvious and nowhere near as funny.
May 31, 2012 at 6:23 am
The questions on the Wal-Mart profile are basically a slightly more subtle version of these. If at any point your answer is anything but total submission to authority, you go in the “bad” pile, apparently.
May 31, 2012 at 1:42 pm
The form I saw asked many questions along the lines of; “what’s worse, cheating on a test or lying to a child?” or “have you ever stolen something, even in your childhood?” For the theft question, you’re pretty much screwed no matter what your answer. They don’t give you the opportunity to describe the theft or quantify it, and you say no, you’re probably a liar.
May 31, 2012 at 1:47 pm
I love the idea that anything meaningful could be gained from an either/or question like that. Unless you had room to expand and examine shades nuance…
May 31, 2012 at 1:57 pm
It was a struggle to fill the stupid thing out. We kept trying to figure out the answer they wanted, and by the time we were done, I think we resorted to flipping coins.
I think the testing company was able to produce personality profiles of roughly the same accuracy as astrologers. Sorry, that was such a Capricorn thing of me to say!
May 31, 2012 at 4:02 am
As insane as number 7 is, there is a possibility it could happen in the wonderful world of corporate drones…after they had a meeting about of course. It could be a good month just concluding if it’s Dynomite or Dyn-O-mite….oh, the scrambling for answers this would create.
May 31, 2012 at 6:26 am
Recently my wife was meeting with an advisor who said she was using the terms criteria & criterion wrong (in terms of which is singular and which is plural). But she was wrong, and I knew she was wrong, and I showed my wife plural dictionaries to back myself up, but she won’t correct the advisor. Which is reasonable, but it makes me crazy.
May 31, 2012 at 11:04 pm
If memory serves me correctly, it’s either Dyno-MITE or Dyno-MIIIITE depending on Jimmie Walker’s mood.
June 1, 2012 at 3:28 am
I would concur that you are indeed correct in your analysis that the phrases Dyno-Mite or Dyno-MIIITE were mood driven. I understand your conclusion was based on Jimmie’s emphasis on the MITE vs. MIIITE in his delivery. Gather your data and prepare a Power Point presentation on the effects of Mite vs. MIIIITE of society….hahaha..dear lord I would never be able to sit in a meeting!
June 2, 2012 at 2:19 am
Actually, drivel like this will always be taken seriously, provided that you can deliver it with a straight face and a well-modulated voice (ala Chris Cooper).
June 2, 2012 at 2:48 am
My problem is when I hear people saying it, I always think their being sarcastic..like me. Straight face? Never!
May 31, 2012 at 4:08 am
In my profession q.1 should ask- are you a crazy expat, an angry expat, on the run from the law or all of the above. I was just ‘angry expat’ at the poor Indonesian girl at the local dominos who insisted on asking ‘may I repeat your order’ instead of hurrying the hell up and bringing me my pizza!
May 31, 2012 at 4:09 am
… Reading your post as I waited calmed me down 🙂
May 31, 2012 at 6:28 am
They call me The Pizza Whisperer.
May 31, 2012 at 5:21 am
It’s just crazy enough to be real….and by the way, how did you read my mind! I was planning on doing a post on my blog about ridiculous job applications! That’s crazy.
May 31, 2012 at 6:27 am
I got the WordPress “Mindtheft” upgrade.
May 31, 2012 at 6:41 am
Sign me up! I’ll need to bring my kid to work and I have a thing against wearing pantyhose… or shoes for that matter.
May 31, 2012 at 1:50 pm
You’ll need to fill out Form 10593628-B, “Shoe Exemption” and see the people in the “Feet” department.
May 31, 2012 at 6:58 am
I know people who would cheerfully answer the opposite replies as me on all of these. Thinking about it just makes me want to hurl…and hurt somebody. Now that I think of it, I think I already work for this company.
May 31, 2012 at 1:50 pm
And of course people who would happily say what they know the company wants to hear, without a thought to what that means.
May 31, 2012 at 7:11 pm
Aaugh!!
Yesterday I had a lunch conversation with Canadian and an Egyptian coworkers. I commented about how “America” is *supposed* to be honest apple pie do-gooder meritocracy, based on our mythology and subconscious reputation (even to those who hate us) and that we should behave accordingly, especially the military (instead of peeing on the dead, etc). He told me “but it’s war” and “but people have to win, and make money, so obviously morality aspects are less important”. Hmph. “No they’re not. That makes them MORE important…..duh.” I said.
Won’t be hiring him for my fantasy future business.
May 31, 2012 at 6:59 am
Punched myself in the face and I am still laughing! Are these trick questions? I have never done that well with multiple choice questions. There are always 2 right answers and I have a difficult time choosing the best one!
May 31, 2012 at 3:06 pm
Oh, the multiple choice will get you every time. Unless “All of the above” is an option. Then it’s that one.
May 31, 2012 at 4:20 pm
Oh yah, right!
May 31, 2012 at 7:38 am
Almost 30 years ago, before Valmarts were everywhere and when I was too young and they hadn’t destroyed small town America yet or brought down worker’s rights here and around the globe), I applied there. I passed a first interview and was given a 20 PAGE psych exam.
They never rang back and when I asked (nicely) later if they would let me know what didn’t work for them, they said, “Something in the psych profile.”
That stung, even though I know that I’m mental. I’ve retained a job at a company that went from over 500 employees to about 30 (via sacking). I’m a good worker and not *that* stoopid, if mental.
All these years after (the above blah-blah about Them), I can see why I was not their material. It was something GOOD, not bad.
May 31, 2012 at 3:06 pm
I’ve thought about applying there, just to see the application, and see if I could qualify to not be hired.
May 31, 2012 at 8:05 am
When do you start?
May 31, 2012 at 3:07 pm
I didn’t get the job. I couldn’t bend on that Jimmie Walker one.
June 2, 2012 at 9:13 am
A man’s got to have his principles.
May 31, 2012 at 8:30 am
This was hilarious(ly disturbing). And I’m actually genuinely concerned that this post is the result of you having to recently fill out an application like this. Then again, the lack of psych screening to get into my company has resulted in stories I’ve yet to share on my blog. Like the time I somehow got roped into helping a total stranger unhook her bra.
Off to Google Wal-Mart job application…
May 31, 2012 at 3:01 pm
No, but reading about the questions on the Wal-Mart applications has always stuck with me.
I’m in a bit of a creative dry-spell, so this post is a result of this process: “Ummmmm… come on, I need something to write about… ummmmm… damn it!…*check news* *checks entertainment news*… okay, think… something funny… something… funny… A funny loan application?… Um, a funny rental application…? a funny job application? Hmmmm…”
June 2, 2012 at 9:15 am
You could do what I do when I hit that dry spell – endlessly blog about blogging and bloggers. Kind of like a dog chasing its tail. My own brother called me out on it!
Time to look at the headlines. And if you’re not using that funny rental application idea???
May 31, 2012 at 10:12 am
i loved the questions and they are a must if you want to appoint the right person..
and for me a manager is always always always right and i am all ready to murder,punch my face, kill people if they unionize and all ready to burn down a Humane Society.
May 31, 2012 at 3:01 pm
That’s the kind of can-do spirit companies love!
May 31, 2012 at 10:23 am
I am all too familiar with the volunteer shift. Apparently, it frightens the boss (who goes home at 5 sharp) into making sure your next review describes you as extremely average…
The modern office generally sucks. (Insert pictures from “Office Space” here.) Agrarian societies… Yeah, I wouldn’t really know, but they do sound good in theory.
May 31, 2012 at 3:02 pm
Hey, that manager worked hard all day being a Job Creator.
May 31, 2012 at 10:47 am
Great application. A completed version of this, together with his long form birth certificate, and Obama is as good as hired!
May 31, 2012 at 3:04 pm
He’d have to also answer the question, “Why do you hate America so much?” and “Can you empirically prove that you’re not a muslim?”
May 31, 2012 at 5:54 pm
Hey, they ask me those questions every time too. Am I Oval Office material?
May 31, 2012 at 8:38 pm
Obama’s biological father was Muslim, and his step-father is Muslim. If he’s a Christian he’s an apostate, and subject to a death penalty by stoning. Where’s a good fatwa when you need one?
May 31, 2012 at 11:26 am
Seriously, I am sure I have been in that place applying for a job!
May 31, 2012 at 3:04 pm
Me too.
May 31, 2012 at 11:40 am
I had to take one of these as part of a job application process that was so intrusive I actually stopped about 3/4th through, excused myself & said I no longer wanted the position. Oh, Thanks for feeding HR departments more bad material !
May 31, 2012 at 3:05 pm
I’ve done that. Gotten part way through and realized how awful it would be. It was very liberating for the remainder of the interview process.
May 31, 2012 at 12:13 pm
I actually just finished a job application that had a psychological profile and, um… this one is only slightly more bothersome.
May 31, 2012 at 3:08 pm
You should give them this one in return. “Here. Now I have one I’d like you to fill out.”
May 31, 2012 at 12:44 pm
I want that job.
May 31, 2012 at 3:10 pm
It does sound like it has some interesting facets, doesn’t it?
May 31, 2012 at 1:32 pm
Was “That’s my Mama” a real show, or am I remembering the name (or something like it) from Coming To America?
Sexual Chocolate
Sorry, I had to, or it would have been stuck in my head all night.
May 31, 2012 at 3:09 pm
It was real, but I think it only ran for one season, maybe two. But, yeah, it’s better known from Coming To America than its actual existence.
“You may remember him as Joe The Policeman on That’s My Mama.”
May 31, 2012 at 2:15 pm
Just when I thought I couldn’t get any more pig-in-poop happy about your Good Times/That’s My Mama pop culture references in here, you go and mention this classic hook from retro-TV 101: “This must be a cross-over episode.”
The cross-over episode!
This is what happy feels like.
May 31, 2012 at 3:15 pm
For me, the cross-over is right up there with the “test-marketing a new show” episode, like when Richie Cunningham meets Mork from Ork, or where the protagonists visit/turn the investigation over to their old friends the _____________’s.
May 31, 2012 at 3:30 pm
Do you think Happy Days parented the most cross-over shows in the history of television? In a perfect world, I would host a lot of cocktail parties where all the guests would do is this. Just sit around the room naming off cross-over shows. And then maybe close the night by seeing how many of the Eight is Enough siblings we could name.
I can’t believe I wasn’t popular in junior high.
May 31, 2012 at 5:25 pm
I would attend that party.
I would think Happy Days has to win it. Mork & Mindy, Laverne & Shirley, Joanie Loves Chachi, the cartoon Fonz & The Happy Days Gang, Out of the Blue (which I’ve never seen… so why do I know about it?). And the classic Blansky’s Beauties I think was one too.
That or All in the Family.
May 31, 2012 at 5:35 pm
Very well done! And then its Fonzie “jumping the shark” episode qualifies it for perhaps the greatest TV gimmick category ever, better than even cross-overs. What a masterpiece, that show.
May 31, 2012 at 5:38 pm
All in the Family…all I can think of is The Jeffersons and maybe a spin-off with Gloria and Meathead? Unless Archie and his granddaughter’s show counts as a spin-off?
May 31, 2012 at 9:03 pm
Well, Good Times is actually a spin-off of All In The Family (I can’t remember how…), and Gloria. I can’t think of any others, but it seems like it always gets mentioned as one that created tons of spin-offs.
May 31, 2012 at 11:16 pm
The only other “All In The Family” spin-offs that I remember are “Maude” with Beatrice Arthur (pre- Golden Girls) and “Archie’s Place” with Danielle Brisebois as the little dark-haired girl.
June 2, 2012 at 9:18 am
Wasn’t Archie an aerospace engineer working with Majors Nelson and Healey before he got his own show?
June 3, 2012 at 4:40 am
Looked for the video proof on YouTube, but no luck. If you can do better, go for it. I love old TV triva…
May 31, 2012 at 11:27 pm
11. Do you believe that ingesting hydro-fluoro-silicic acid (HFSA), a water-based industrial waste by-product of the phosphate fertilizer industry, in your drinking water will:
A) Make your teeth stronger?
B) Make your teeth cleaner?
C) Make you a good citizen?
D) Serve the greater good?
E) All of the above?
In my town, the mayor actually picks “E” to qualify for the job. I swear that I am not making this up. Brrr! The terrible power of the “water fluoridation mafia.”
June 2, 2012 at 8:47 am
Where I live the water isn’t fluoridated. Somehow we manage. Somehow.
June 1, 2012 at 3:52 am
Hysterical. Brilliant. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Ain’t nobody got time for that! AHHHH!!!
June 2, 2012 at 2:23 am
Nice one, Maineiac! Could this be the world’s first cross-over blog?
June 2, 2012 at 6:25 am
Ooh, yes, I think so! B-man doesn’t know what he’s started…
June 2, 2012 at 8:43 am
It does make me think I should work on a catch-phrase.
June 5, 2012 at 4:20 pm
And what position are you hiring for? My first guess was “Arsonist”.
June 20, 2012 at 4:40 am
dead puppies are never funny- not even hypothetical dead puppies 😦