As you’ve undoubtedly heard, North Carolina has amended their state Constitution to ban gay marriage. Why not just pass a law, you ask? Because a law like that would be unconstitutional. But if you change the Constitution? You can make any crazy law you want! Bear in mind, regardless of your opinion on gay marriage: North Carolina has put in to their Constitution a limitation of some people’s rights. In other words, a Constitution – usually for defending rights – is being used to say that specific people have certain rights, specific people don’t.
Also, in exciting news, just come to light is this original draft of the Bill of Rights as written by the people of North Carolina and submitted to the earliest congress! What a coincidence, right?
WE THE PEOPLE of the United States, in order to form a more decent, normal union; provide for the common defense; promote the general welfare (but not THAT welfare), and to sort out who’s good and who’s bad once and for all; do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
Alright, just what the hell’s going on here?? Oh, The Lakers won? Carry on.
AMENDMENT I: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of a religion unless it’s about Jesus – and not the “hippie Jesus”; freedom of speech is okay, and the press, I guess, as long as it’s the right kind of speech and press (i.e. no whackos); it’s also okay for normal people to assemble for normal reasons, like for a pet parade, or because the team won the pennant. But that’s it.
AMENDMENT II: Firearms being necessary to the security of a free state, and to the protection of how awesome it is shooting automatic weapons, and ringing in the new year, and sometimes getting Earl to shut his big, fat yap; the right of the people to keep and bear guns shall be an obligation. I suppose they’re useful against tyranny, too.
AMENDMENT III: You don’t have to quarter any soldiers in your house, if you hate the troops and America.
And don’t give us that “Actually, we’re Guatemalan” crapola. You know what we mean.
AMENDMENT IV: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated (Muslims not included) (Oh, and Mexicans).
AMENDMENT V: No person shall be forced to testify against himself in court even though if you’re not guilty what are you so afraid of?; the fact that you don’t testify can be used against you and also the state can find someone to testify about what they think you’d say if you did.
AMENDMENT VI: No fat chicks.
AMENDMENT VII: You can have trial by jury if you’re going to be a big baby about it. But we get to pick who’s on the jury.
Whoooo!! This Constitution kicks ass!!!
AMENDMENT VIII: Cruel and unusual punishment will only be tolerated against certain people, and only when it’s really dramatic, like Jack Bauer trying to find out where the bomb is on 24.
AMENDMENT IX: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people. You know what? We’re just going to skip this one. This one’s probably a typo.
AMENDMENT X: The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, are the states’ own business, so the feds should keep their big, stupid honker out. They should stick to their job: subsidizing corporations and legislating morality.
The Byronic Man 
May 10, 2012 at 3:18 am
This brings to mind a passage from the book “Animal Farm” by George Orwell:
“All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.”
May 10, 2012 at 6:31 am
Hey, wait, there was political commentary in that book?? Aw, man, I just liked the horsey.
May 10, 2012 at 3:35 am
Speaking of animals, aint nuthin in thar says I cain’t marry my coon dog Bessie. She’s a good un. I’m glad arr state aint gonna be over run with them queers getting hitched. Let em stay in New York if that’s what they want.
May 10, 2012 at 6:30 am
Bessie’s a girl, right?
May 10, 2012 at 2:24 pm
Course she is, if she was a male that’d be against the laws of nature!
May 10, 2012 at 3:46 am
Brilliant. You leave me speechless.
May 10, 2012 at 6:30 am
Well, that’s good, because I think that right’s on the way out, too.
May 10, 2012 at 3:55 am
Hey it’s not all bad, you can still marry your cousin..oh, as long as it’s not your Gay cousin. @Paul G. Bingo!
May 10, 2012 at 6:29 am
Well, good. Because that would be just gross.
May 10, 2012 at 4:08 am
You should also know North Carolina has the highest incidence of known pedophiles living there. I don’t know what that’s abut, but to me it is the portrait of NC. It appears to be a great place to live; i just wouldnt want to live there. Great post.
May 10, 2012 at 6:29 am
One of my wife’s best friends lives there, and she’s spent some time there. I’ve never been. I do remember that her longtime boyfriend “hates yankees” which I know is a real thing and all, but to west coasters just sounds adorably anachronistic.
My main exposure was this guy in a bar. My friends and I were hanging out, and he began chatting with us. First he got very excited about Duke vs. UNC, then someone mentioned South Carolina and he stood up and shouted, “YO, F*** SOUTH CAROLINA!!” which was right about the time the bartender cut him off.
May 10, 2012 at 4:46 am
As an NC resident i have to hang my head for a moment.
May 10, 2012 at 6:24 am
We all get our turn. I live in Oregon, for pete’s sake – OREGON – and we had a ballot measure some years ago to make homosexuality flat out illegal.
May 10, 2012 at 6:25 am
I guess we love our state, but at the same time we got to sometimes ask why? It happens.
May 10, 2012 at 5:42 am
Thank you so much for clarifying! The Constitution has always confused me.
May 10, 2012 at 6:23 am
Especially the ones where they tried to cram a bunch in a once.
It would, actually, have been nice if someone had said, “Say, fellas – don’t mean to interrupt – but that bit about a ‘well-regulated militia’? Could we clarify that a little?”
May 10, 2012 at 6:26 am
Exactly. Because when I hear “militia,” I think of my friend from high school. I think that was her name. Or maybe it was Melissa. I forget. But she was a vegetarian, so I am assuming she was well-regulated. But I’d like to know what that has to do with ME.
May 10, 2012 at 6:03 am
Touche!
May 10, 2012 at 6:21 am
Thanks. I’m sure North Carolinians will be reeling from my satiric tilt at them.
May 10, 2012 at 6:09 am
I am so glad you took the time to clarify, I was confused.
May 10, 2012 at 6:20 am
That was the problem with the framers of the actual Constitution – too elitist. Needed to spell it out.
May 10, 2012 at 7:19 am
(but not THAT welfare)
and not the “hippie Jesus”
don’t give us that “Actually, we’re Guatemalan” crapola
This reminds me of a song.
May 10, 2012 at 7:26 am
Ironic that North Carolina, childhood home of (my idol) David Sedaris, passed this. I used to immediately think David Sedaris whenever I’d read anything about North Carolina. Um, not now.
I love me some hippie Jesus. According to every amateur, church-sponsored Last Supper play I had to endure growing up, he invented Birkenstocks. And that’s nothing to sneeze at.
May 10, 2012 at 9:15 am
I forgot Sedaris was from NC. Of course… he left.
May 10, 2012 at 8:19 am
I dont even know where to start – ‘brilliant” is just oozing from every sentence.
The “No Fat Chicks” is going to be a HUGE problem (ah, funny!) cuz I just read we are on the way to becoming a nation where 1/3 the population will be overweight by like 2015 and the south is leading the way. I’d spend more time telling you how funny this is, but suddenly I need a cheeseburger…..
May 10, 2012 at 8:51 am
A clear violation of the beer-goggles clause, too.
May 10, 2012 at 9:14 am
Isn’t it always funny the people who tend to subscribe to that “no fat chicks” kind of mentality? I mean, obviously they’re making the depth of their values clear, but generally… not the fellows who should probably be making imperious demands.
May 10, 2012 at 10:56 am
( ….I am nodding in agreement, but its terribly difficult to type with one hand while chomping on fried chicken…)
May 20, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Yes, Amendment VI is my favorite. To make it more equal gender-wise, a rider should be attached: “No white socks with dark pants; no white socks during sexual intercourse.”
May 21, 2012 at 7:34 am
There never really has been a male equivalent, has there. That’s weird. It seems like it’d just be “Ew.”
May 10, 2012 at 8:23 am
I had to reblog it. Hope you don’t mind. 🙂
May 10, 2012 at 9:12 am
Not at all – I appreciate thinking it’s worth the re-blog.
May 10, 2012 at 8:26 am
Reblogged this on The Real Ken Jones and commented:
Byronic Man has one of the most consistently entertaining blogs I’ve read. He usually doesn’t get into politics, but he ventured out a wee bit here and it’s classic. (My favorite just might be Amendment IX, ugh, so hard to choose.)
May 10, 2012 at 8:42 am
Well, you’ve gone and done it. Now they’ll have to re-print all the history books and law books. The publishing industry should make out like bandits, but everything else in this country won’t be affected by this new Constitution. Make me proud to be a Canadian. No. Wait. I only live near Canada. I need to check out real estate in Canada, so I’ll be signing off now…
May 10, 2012 at 9:10 am
Well, more and more history textbooks are opting for a “history as we’d like to imagine it” approach, so this should fit right in.
May 10, 2012 at 10:24 am
Ah, the People’s Democratic Republic of North Carolina strikes again. This is, after all, a state that thought Jesse Helms was good enough to re-elect several times…
May 10, 2012 at 12:34 pm
I know Strom Thurmond was South Carolina, and anyone who lives in either state would take terrible umbrage with this – but I’m blurring the line and saying “Yeah, and Strom Thurmond, too!”
May 10, 2012 at 10:38 am
I’m so torn. I believe in marriage equality, but…a pet parade? I totally believe it that, too.
I didn’t have any trouble when I lived in NC for a few months, but I think Wilmington is a pretty hip town comparatively speaking. Or maybe they just gave this Yankee a wide berth.
Either way, neither David Sedaris nor I could have ever stayed there for the long haul! (You and Angie made good points! Oh and I probably should have started with, this post was hilarious, but it’s safe to assume I’m thinking that whenever I’m here.)
May 10, 2012 at 12:28 pm
And they’ve got Asheville, which is hipper than hip. I’m guessing the initiative didn’t play so well there.
May 10, 2012 at 1:22 pm
Gay marriage is a non-issue. It should be a given. If you’re afraid of gays and believe that if they’re allowed to have sex and have kids, you need to take a deep breath and think. Oh, I’m sorry, that makes your head hurt. Keep listening to the demigogues who tell you how to vote. Remember they’ll come for the gays first, you might be next. If you don’t follow what Rev Billy Bob says you should.
May 10, 2012 at 2:49 pm
It is said that, the man who does not trust himself, beats his wife. Whenever I encounter one of these anti-gay rants, I LAUGH!
May 10, 2012 at 3:06 pm
I’ve never heard that saying; that’s great. And it’s true, whenever you see one of these demagogues going on an anti-gay rant, is there even a doubt any more as to their sexuality? Even before they’re inevitably caught with a young male companion?
May 10, 2012 at 6:41 pm
“We’re just going to skip this one. This one’s probably a typo.”
Hilarious!! Sad – super sad – but hilarious, Bryonic! Oh my stars, this is dandy!
May 11, 2012 at 7:30 am
You don’t hear much about that 9th amendment, do you? Not very politically convenient.
May 11, 2012 at 3:28 am
I can’t believe I missed this one…my reader should be shot. This one is perfection.
May 11, 2012 at 7:25 am
You know… and this will sound horribly arrogant… but my hit counts have plummeted in the last few days, and a couple people have mentioned not showing up in their reader. I’m not suggesting the only reason people wouldn’t flock to every golden word I type is massive technical failure, but that might explain it. And make me feel better. It’s a better explanation than, “Everyone got tired of me at once.”
May 11, 2012 at 9:29 am
I, for one, am far to lazy to have to track down my favorites…I got one of yours on the reader a few days ago, so I thought all was well – then, I looked over here and found out you had been carrying on without me. I also choose to think “massive technical failure” over “they’ve figured out a way to block me”…
May 11, 2012 at 7:11 am
Byronic Man! I missed you yesterday! Did you miss me? I was in spam jail and couldn’t comment!
I love this post and your message is loud and clear. It is ridiculous how much discrimination there still is in the world….
Awesome post!
May 11, 2012 at 7:26 am
You were in Spam Jail? What happened? You couldn’t comment on any blogs?
May 11, 2012 at 7:33 am
No! Not without going into everyone’s spam folder. I used 12 tags and posted Youtube videos that may have been spammed. Broke out this morning!
May 12, 2012 at 8:41 am
I’m late getting to this because the gays apparently shut down my internet… or maybe it was the anti-gays… but anyway, this is sort of brilliant and we clearly share the notion that one cannot legislate morality. I THOUGHT that’s what the Declaration of Independence was about – you know, breaking from the king and his religious impositions… but I guess I misunderstood my entire education in American history.
May 12, 2012 at 2:54 pm
That’s because your entire education was subverted by the preverts.
May 12, 2012 at 3:27 pm
…Does this mean my degree is no longer valid in 30 states?
May 12, 2012 at 10:54 pm
My daughter lives in North Carolina, but thankfully is moving back to Canada next month! I had no idea they were this backward there, thanks for bringing it to my attention! Now I can tease her mercilessly! Hahahahahahaha
May 13, 2012 at 5:21 am
We don’t have a constitution in the UK, that way our politicians can claim no-one was paying attention when they said some stuff was okay and some wasn’t; additionally it means rich people can do what the hell they like and claim it’s because the politicians let them and the politicians get the blame. (See the Levenson Inquiry & Murdoch’s influence on UK government; the which media power over UK politics will no doubt end up in the hands of someone less likely to get caught). The view of politicians in the UK is that rules are there to broken so why have rules.
May 13, 2012 at 7:55 am
It’s bad enough in the US when politicians realize there’s some antiquated law in the books from 1834 and, gee, they don’t want to do it but law’s the law! But in England those laws could be from 1165 and so, darn it, apparently it is legal for members of the upper class to harvest the organs of the poor and use them however they see fit.
June 3, 2012 at 1:53 pm
Reblogged this on Unwritten and commented:
Wow! This is too good Not to Reblog.
June 3, 2012 at 9:35 pm
Thanks, I appreciate the re-blog and the praise!