Please Hire Me To Be A Supreme Court Justice

April 26, 2012

Humor, Please Hire Me...

The Supreme Court seems to be having some trouble lately.  Justices not showing up for work, having inadequate experience, sitting there silently for 6-year spans of time (that would be Thomas).  Maybe they need some new blood.  Someone to shake things up.  Someone who would bring a new approach to law.

Someone like me.

Why should I be a Supreme Court Justice?  Why should you, please, hire me?

Really, Mr. Nugent? We should kill 'em ALL? Hm. You raise an interesting point. I may have to revisit my books.

No matter which kind of president appointed me – liberal or conservative – I would immediately and permanently make all my decisions at the extreme other end of the political spectrum.  If it’s a Republican president, I’ll consult Maoist literature.  If it’s a Democratic president I’ll consult Ted Nugent.  And when the politicians flip out I’ll say, “What’re you going to do about it?  Nothing, that’s what.”  And watching the politicians gnash their teeth would be hilarious, wouldn’t it?

I’d save time.  I have this little pocket-Constitution, so when someone proposes a law that we should force citizens to quarter soldiers in their houses, and the other attorney says that violates the 3rd amendment, I could look and see without having to go find a Constitution somewhere.  “Nope.  3rd amendment says we can’t.  Thanks.  Done.  Next.”

It hasn't been easy to have fewer qualifications than Justice Roberts, but I think I've managed it.

Passing interrogation by the congress would be a breeze because I have no record.  Chief Justice Roberts was only a federal judge for two years and so no one could find a reason to not appoint him (except lack of qualification) – there was nothing to attack him on.  But I can beat that because I’ve never been a judge, or a lawyer or taken any law classes!  I don’t even watch lawyer shows on TV! I’m untouchable!

I look good in black.

Sometimes when the lawyers really start going at it, I would say, “People, please!  Calm down.  There’s no need to make a federal case out of this!”  and then we’d all laugh because that’s what it is.

I’d add a much needed game-show element to the proceedings.  For example, if I found someone guilty of something I’d say, “In light of the damning evidence against you, we find you guilty and sentence you to 5 years in prison and to pay $200,000 in restitution. OR… you can choose whatever’s behind this curtain!”

I would insist that “The Imperial March” from Star Wars (Vader’s theme) play every time I enter a room.  Any room.  Cafeteria.  Living room.  Locker room.

I’d have a catch-phrase.  Like maybe, “That idea is totally ConstitutioNOT.”  Or perhaps when I render a decision I’d have somebody throw a bucket of goo at the defendant and shout, “You’ve just been JUDGED!” and then my band – Tommy Precedent and The Litigators – would start playing “Folsom Prison Blues.”

Any time an appeal is denied I’d have a “Bwah bwah bwaaaaah” sound effect ready to go.  In fact, lots of sound effects.  Slide whistles, BOI-OI-OI-OING sounds, the works.  It’d be like some wacky morning radio show with all the sound effects.

At night I’d put on a mask and fight crime under the name “The Lone Justice.”

I would be very good for stress levels.  Any time something bad happened, that was complicated and hard to think about, I’d pass a law that requires, say, schoolchildren to publicly urinate on the flag or something.  That way, everyone could freak out about that, and get their minds off of the economy, or the environment, or whatever.

Yaaay! It's the Supreme Court Truck! It's the Supreme Court Truck! I want a double-scoop of Rocky v. Road!

There’s nothing in The Constitution that says Thursday’s shouldn’t be Free Ice Cream day.  If you know what I’m saying.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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58 Comments on “Please Hire Me To Be A Supreme Court Justice”

  1. Divyanshu Kalra Says:

    you have a great sense of humor! perhaps you will like my blog too, http://www.imockatbullshit.wordpress.com

    Reply

  2. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    Hilarious..
    OMG you are so qualified and right for this post!!
    damn why did i have to watch shark or those damn courtroom dramas..I have no chance..
    yay to Lone Justice 🙂
    you will be so popular they will name a planet after you.

    Reply

  3. 1pointperspective Says:

    Did someone say “Odor in the court?”
    Strike up the band Tommy!

    Reply

  4. Life in the Boomer Lane Says:

    The way things are going, you might have a shot at this. Can you do something about the robes? Something a bit more fashion-forward.

    Reply

  5. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Hilarious and very true…it’s really not a stretch for you to get appointed considering the insanity that already exists. You would have to promise that your first decision would be to get rid of the robes and go with something Bada$$.

    Reply

  6. Elyse Says:

    Since I do believe that Scalia is considered the funniest of the justices, I would be quite happy if you took his spot. After all, you’re a funny guy too. What more is needed?

    Reply

  7. Tracy Gibson Says:

    Strange… Our country is having disasters not only in weather, but in our government.

    Reply

  8. Valentine Logar Says:

    I’d vote for you….oh that’s right we don’t vote for those gasbags for life. Well I cheer for you instead!

    Perfect as always.

    Reply

  9. they still let me vote Says:

    I think this has REAL potential.

    Would you consider having a session where the (alleged) felons would not be allowed to say “yes” or “no” and could be “gonged out” of the Court for further punishment if they did?

    Perhaps a trapdoor could be installed in the dock for clear-cut cases….
    not sure if I’d go for a shark-infested pool underneath (lovely tense pause followed by satisfying “splash” sound) or nice crackly flames to go with the screams….

    Go dispense justice Byronic Man…. it IS your destiny!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I would definitely go for a sort of “Simon Says” thing where if people act without the proper cue their case gets thrown out. “Raise your right hand – AH! I didn’t say ‘judge says’! Case dismissed!”

      Reply

  10. becomingcliche Says:

    I am not sure whether to laugh or cry at this post. Because you are honestly more qualified than several who are on the bench.

    Reply

  11. susielindau Says:

    I love that you would bring sound effects to the bench. You could stand up and say, “Winning!” in a really haughty way. I am sure the opposing judges would appreciate that!

    Reply

  12. Michelle Gillies Says:

    I love that every time I start whining about our Canadian politicians and the powers that be someone like yourself will point out the follies of the American system and I feel all better. 😉

    Reply

  13. Audrey Says:

    If you give me a pony, you’ve got my vote!

    Reply

  14. benzeknees Says:

    This is hilarious! Wish I could vote for you- oh yeah you don’t vote, you get appointed. Wish I could appoint you.

    Reply

  15. gojulesgo Says:

    “That idea is totally ConstitutioNOT.” Yesss. I’d hire you for that catch phrase alone, if not for the ice cream.

    Reply

  16. crubin Says:

    The Byronic Judge. You’ve definitely got my vote!

    Reply

  17. Rog Says:

    I think the Supreme Court could use a good comedian on the bench… “So a man walked into a bar and asked for a whiskey coke… the guy looked confused and said sorry buddy, we only serve court orders.”

    Reply

  18. Archon's Den Says:

    I never said I’d take her to Florida. I just said I’d Tampa with her. Did I sleep with this woman? Not a wink, your Honor. Not a wink!

    Reply

  19. tomwisk Says:

    Hell, you seem sane enough for me. We’ve done worse. Stay on your meds.

    Reply

  20. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    The real benefit to all of us is yet another source of blog material. Of, course, you’ll have to change names/use alias’ so we couldn’t possibly guess which case you’re referring to…..

    Reply

  21. tedstrutz Says:

    Hey, what the hell… give a whirl, I say! The court transcriptions would be a lot livelier, and definitely more fun to read, if one were so inclined. In fact, maybe it’s not too late to talk to Milt and be #2… that would be cool. I’ll take a Rocky vs. Road any day.

    I’ve never been a big Nugent fan, but he does have a cool first name.

    Reply

  22. freddyflow Says:

    Ponies for everyone, free ice cream, new robes? Sounds like a lock to me. Oh, and you can bring your new baby to barf on anyone who dissents with your opinions.

    Reply

  23. mistyslaws Says:

    You are so much more qualified than some of the existing justices.

    Plus, take it a step further. You could have your own reality show. Presiding over the Kardashians. I don’t know, something catchy like that!

    Reply

  24. Angie Z. Says:

    The Supreme Court as a wacky morning radio show is hi-laaaar-rious (insert fart noise here)! “Man in the box — get back in the box!” Best Jimmy Fallon SNL character ever. I can absolutely envision Chief Justice Roberts playing this role.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Back in ye olden days when I was a comedian the worst, the WORST, thing was having to do the Wacky Morning Zoo in whatever town you were in. Usually, they’d read headlines and expect you – exhausted, bleary-eyed – to say funny things about the car accident on the interstate.

      Reply

      • Angie Z. Says:

        The laughing is what I cannot take. There’s nothing like loud uproarious laughter in unison at 6 am to make me wish it was Saturday. I’m a NPR junkie and prefer the soothing calm voices of its commentators. I can’t imagine having to actually be on one of those manic morning shows! Wow.

        Reply

  25. Curly Carly Says:

    Every day when I stare at the clothes in my closet trying to decide what to wear, I curse myself for not becoming a judge solely for the outfit. Life would be so much easier.

    Great post. Good luck with the judicial appointment. I’m sure it’ll come any day now.

    Reply

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