The Supreme Court seems to be having some trouble lately. Justices not showing up for work, having inadequate experience, sitting there silently for 6-year spans of time (that would be Thomas). Maybe they need some new blood. Someone to shake things up. Someone who would bring a new approach to law.
Someone like me.
Why should I be a Supreme Court Justice? Why should you, please, hire me?
Really, Mr. Nugent? We should kill 'em ALL? Hm. You raise an interesting point. I may have to revisit my books.
No matter which kind of president appointed me – liberal or conservative – I would immediately and permanently make all my decisions at the extreme other end of the political spectrum. If it’s a Republican president, I’ll consult Maoist literature. If it’s a Democratic president I’ll consult Ted Nugent. And when the politicians flip out I’ll say, “What’re you going to do about it? Nothing, that’s what.” And watching the politicians gnash their teeth would be hilarious, wouldn’t it?
I’d save time. I have this little pocket-Constitution, so when someone proposes a law that we should force citizens to quarter soldiers in their houses, and the other attorney says that violates the 3rd amendment, I could look and see without having to go find a Constitution somewhere. “Nope. 3rd amendment says we can’t. Thanks. Done. Next.”
It hasn't been easy to have fewer qualifications than Justice Roberts, but I think I've managed it.
Passing interrogation by the congress would be a breeze because I have no record. Chief Justice Roberts was only a federal judge for two years and so no one could find a reason to not appoint him (except lack of qualification) – there was nothing to attack him on. But I can beat that because I’ve never been a judge, or a lawyer or taken any law classes! I don’t even watch lawyer shows on TV! I’m untouchable!
I look good in black.
Sometimes when the lawyers really start going at it, I would say, “People, please! Calm down. There’s no need to make a federal case out of this!” and then we’d all laugh because that’s what it is.
I’d add a much needed game-show element to the proceedings. For example, if I found someone guilty of something I’d say, “In light of the damning evidence against you, we find you guilty and sentence you to 5 years in prison and to pay $200,000 in restitution. OR… you can choose whatever’s behind this curtain!”
I would insist that “The Imperial March” from Star Wars (Vader’s theme) play every time I enter a room. Any room. Cafeteria. Living room. Locker room.
I’d have a catch-phrase. Like maybe, “That idea is totally ConstitutioNOT.” Or perhaps when I render a decision I’d have somebody throw a bucket of goo at the defendant and shout, “You’ve just been JUDGED!” and then my band – Tommy Precedent and The Litigators – would start playing “Folsom Prison Blues.”
Any time an appeal is denied I’d have a “Bwah bwah bwaaaaah” sound effect ready to go. In fact, lots of sound effects. Slide whistles, BOI-OI-OI-OING sounds, the works. It’d be like some wacky morning radio show with all the sound effects.
At night I’d put on a mask and fight crime under the name “The Lone Justice.”
I would be very good for stress levels. Any time something bad happened, that was complicated and hard to think about, I’d pass a law that requires, say, schoolchildren to publicly urinate on the flag or something. That way, everyone could freak out about that, and get their minds off of the economy, or the environment, or whatever.
Yaaay! It's the Supreme Court Truck! It's the Supreme Court Truck! I want a double-scoop of Rocky v. Road!
There’s nothing in The Constitution that says Thursday’s shouldn’t be Free Ice Cream day. If you know what I’m saying.
The Byronic Man 
April 26, 2012 at 3:03 am
you have a great sense of humor! perhaps you will like my blog too, http://www.imockatbullshit.wordpress.com
April 26, 2012 at 3:11 am
Hilarious..
OMG you are so qualified and right for this post!!
damn why did i have to watch shark or those damn courtroom dramas..I have no chance..
yay to Lone Justice 🙂
you will be so popular they will name a planet after you.
April 26, 2012 at 6:21 am
Naming a planet after me. I could support that.
April 26, 2012 at 3:21 am
Did someone say “Odor in the court?”
Strike up the band Tommy!
April 26, 2012 at 6:23 am
Perjurer? I hardly knew ‘er! But seriously, folks…
April 26, 2012 at 3:45 am
The way things are going, you might have a shot at this. Can you do something about the robes? Something a bit more fashion-forward.
April 26, 2012 at 6:24 am
I would say to the Supreme Court Tailor: “Ask yourself, would they wear this robe in The Matrix?”
April 26, 2012 at 4:08 am
Hilarious and very true…it’s really not a stretch for you to get appointed considering the insanity that already exists. You would have to promise that your first decision would be to get rid of the robes and go with something Bada$$.
April 26, 2012 at 6:33 am
I would declare it unconstitutional to hide this chiseled judicial physique behind a billowy robe.
April 27, 2012 at 5:20 am
You’ll need something with lots of spandex and lycra: “Spanx Supreme.”
April 26, 2012 at 4:19 am
Since I do believe that Scalia is considered the funniest of the justices, I would be quite happy if you took his spot. After all, you’re a funny guy too. What more is needed?
April 26, 2012 at 6:31 am
I’m not Italian, so I couldn’t really give people the old “vaffanculo” the way he does. I’m Scotch-Irish, so maybe a head-butt?
April 26, 2012 at 6:55 pm
You could lift your kilt and scare them. Or drink them under the table. Have I missed any stereotypes yet? Full disclosure — I am Irish-German with a serious love for Scotland. So you are the perfect man in my book.
April 27, 2012 at 6:32 am
Throw in something about being cheap and losing my temper and I think you’ve hit the big ones. Maybe I could make people hurry with their cases because I’m in the free, 2-hour parking.
April 27, 2012 at 6:39 pm
Well, maybe, if there was affordable parking anywhere in DC … but alas. Nevertheless, I think you have WAY more personality than Justice Thomas, so I still want you to take over.
April 28, 2012 at 8:32 am
I also sexually harass a lot less.
April 26, 2012 at 4:59 am
Strange… Our country is having disasters not only in weather, but in our government.
April 26, 2012 at 6:32 am
But which one is causing the other…?
April 27, 2012 at 4:58 am
My answer would be a religious one.
April 26, 2012 at 5:49 am
I’d vote for you….oh that’s right we don’t vote for those gasbags for life. Well I cheer for you instead!
Perfect as always.
April 26, 2012 at 6:32 am
Maybe it should be like jury duty. “Aw, man, I got to be a Supreme Court Justice for six months…”
April 26, 2012 at 6:53 am
I think this has REAL potential.
Would you consider having a session where the (alleged) felons would not be allowed to say “yes” or “no” and could be “gonged out” of the Court for further punishment if they did?
Perhaps a trapdoor could be installed in the dock for clear-cut cases….
not sure if I’d go for a shark-infested pool underneath (lovely tense pause followed by satisfying “splash” sound) or nice crackly flames to go with the screams….
Go dispense justice Byronic Man…. it IS your destiny!
April 26, 2012 at 12:34 pm
I would definitely go for a sort of “Simon Says” thing where if people act without the proper cue their case gets thrown out. “Raise your right hand – AH! I didn’t say ‘judge says’! Case dismissed!”
April 26, 2012 at 6:58 am
I am not sure whether to laugh or cry at this post. Because you are honestly more qualified than several who are on the bench.
April 26, 2012 at 12:37 pm
You may be asked to testify to that effect at my senate confirmation. Wear something nice.
April 26, 2012 at 7:39 am
I love that you would bring sound effects to the bench. You could stand up and say, “Winning!” in a really haughty way. I am sure the opposing judges would appreciate that!
April 26, 2012 at 12:37 pm
That and the hilarious nicknames I’d make up for the other justices.
April 26, 2012 at 8:41 am
I love that every time I start whining about our Canadian politicians and the powers that be someone like yourself will point out the follies of the American system and I feel all better. 😉
April 26, 2012 at 12:40 pm
That’s the beauty of political systems – there all so awful that it’s always easy to feel better about your own.
April 26, 2012 at 9:26 am
If you give me a pony, you’ve got my vote!
April 26, 2012 at 12:41 pm
Hm, I’m not sure how important voting is in appointing Supreme Court justices… but just in case: ponies for everyone!
April 26, 2012 at 1:27 pm
I don’t think voting really plays into it that much… But you’d have my vote nonetheless, by golly!
April 28, 2012 at 8:41 am
If nothing else, I can go to Congress and say “You should appoint me because these people voted for me. These people vote for you. You do the math.”
April 26, 2012 at 9:48 am
This is hilarious! Wish I could vote for you- oh yeah you don’t vote, you get appointed. Wish I could appoint you.
April 26, 2012 at 12:41 pm
Can’t hurt to try…
April 26, 2012 at 9:55 am
“That idea is totally ConstitutioNOT.” Yesss. I’d hire you for that catch phrase alone, if not for the ice cream.
April 26, 2012 at 12:42 pm
Then you’ll love “ConstitutioNUT Crunch” ice cream.
April 26, 2012 at 10:41 am
The Byronic Judge. You’ve definitely got my vote!
April 26, 2012 at 12:43 pm
It’d certainly give a new twist to my blog…
April 26, 2012 at 10:57 am
I think the Supreme Court could use a good comedian on the bench… “So a man walked into a bar and asked for a whiskey coke… the guy looked confused and said sorry buddy, we only serve court orders.”
April 26, 2012 at 12:43 pm
And if no one laughs you can cite them for contempt of court.
April 26, 2012 at 11:06 am
I never said I’d take her to Florida. I just said I’d Tampa with her. Did I sleep with this woman? Not a wink, your Honor. Not a wink!
April 26, 2012 at 12:44 pm
No mirandizing, I tells ya! I get no mirandizing!
April 26, 2012 at 1:07 pm
Hell, you seem sane enough for me. We’ve done worse. Stay on your meds.
April 28, 2012 at 8:42 am
There have been some impressively bad justices. Some impressively amazing ones, too, of course, but they’re not as funny.
April 26, 2012 at 6:46 pm
The real benefit to all of us is yet another source of blog material. Of, course, you’ll have to change names/use alias’ so we couldn’t possibly guess which case you’re referring to…..
April 28, 2012 at 8:42 am
A supreme court humor blog. I’d subscribe.
April 27, 2012 at 12:08 am
Hey, what the hell… give a whirl, I say! The court transcriptions would be a lot livelier, and definitely more fun to read, if one were so inclined. In fact, maybe it’s not too late to talk to Milt and be #2… that would be cool. I’ll take a Rocky vs. Road any day.
I’ve never been a big Nugent fan, but he does have a cool first name.
April 27, 2012 at 6:35 am
There’s… there’s not a lot to love about Nugent, truth be told. His music is just awful. it’s funny and rockin’, but awful.
April 27, 2012 at 5:23 am
Ponies for everyone, free ice cream, new robes? Sounds like a lock to me. Oh, and you can bring your new baby to barf on anyone who dissents with your opinions.
April 27, 2012 at 6:33 am
“Listen up, counselors. Anyone wakes the baby? Goes to prison.”
April 27, 2012 at 9:19 am
You are so much more qualified than some of the existing justices.
Plus, take it a step further. You could have your own reality show. Presiding over the Kardashians. I don’t know, something catchy like that!
April 28, 2012 at 8:43 am
Oooh, a judge of pop culture. I would LOVE that job. There’d be a whooole lot of death-sentences getting handed out.
April 27, 2012 at 2:57 pm
The Supreme Court as a wacky morning radio show is hi-laaaar-rious (insert fart noise here)! “Man in the box — get back in the box!” Best Jimmy Fallon SNL character ever. I can absolutely envision Chief Justice Roberts playing this role.
April 28, 2012 at 8:39 am
Back in ye olden days when I was a comedian the worst, the WORST, thing was having to do the Wacky Morning Zoo in whatever town you were in. Usually, they’d read headlines and expect you – exhausted, bleary-eyed – to say funny things about the car accident on the interstate.
April 28, 2012 at 8:49 am
The laughing is what I cannot take. There’s nothing like loud uproarious laughter in unison at 6 am to make me wish it was Saturday. I’m a NPR junkie and prefer the soothing calm voices of its commentators. I can’t imagine having to actually be on one of those manic morning shows! Wow.
April 29, 2012 at 3:58 pm
Every day when I stare at the clothes in my closet trying to decide what to wear, I curse myself for not becoming a judge solely for the outfit. Life would be so much easier.
Great post. Good luck with the judicial appointment. I’m sure it’ll come any day now.
April 30, 2012 at 6:28 am
I hear you on the ease of clothing issue. “Hm… I’m going with black robe today.” Done.