So, JK Rowling, I see you announced the title, release date, and synopsis of your new novel, The Casual Vacancy. Your first foray in to the world of adult fiction, yeah? Big step, Ms. Rowling. Big step.
Don't worry, JK. I'll have you out of that hovel in no time.
Now, JK – can I call you Janet? No? The “J” isn’t for Janet? Oh. You sure? Consider it. Anyways, Ms. Rowling, I know you had a smattering of success with that charming kids’ book of yours, Harry Potter And The Case of the Stony Philosopher, or whatever it was, but this is the big leagues. And I don’t want to toot my own horn here, but I have over 800 subscribers. That’s right, 800. So, I think I know a little something about how to touch hearts and to appeal to the general public. Therefore, as long as you’re not one of those writers who’s afraid of success, I’d like to offer some constructive criticism. Let’s first take a look at the synopsis, as released by your publisher, Little, Brown:
When Barry Fairweather dies unexpectedly in his early forties, the little town of Pagford is left in shock. Pagford is, seemingly, an English idyll, with a cobbled market square and an ancient abbey, but what lies behind the pretty façade is a town at war. Rich at war with poor, teenagers at war with their parents, wives at war with their husbands, teachers at war with their pupils… Pagford is not what it first seems. And the empty seat left by Barry on the parish council soon becomes the catalyst for the biggest war the town has yet seen. Who will triumph in an election fraught with passion, duplicity and unexpected revelations?**
Not bad, Ms. Rowling. Not bad. A little dry, a little predictable, a little vanilla, a little light on lightning-bolt scars.
No, no. Don’t worry – I think you’ve got real potential, but, if you don’t mind? Let me sizzle up this steak for you; see if we can’t make this book successful.
"Well, I may just be a dog, but I do know that you can't make sarsparilla without a little sweetener."
When Barry Fairweather dies unexpectedly in [a tornado of fire], the [mystical, floating] town of Pagford is left in shock.
Pagford is, seemingly, an English idyll, with a cobbled market square and [dogs who can talk, dispensing home-spun wisdom; also they wear hats], but what lies behind the pretty façade is a town at war.
Rich at war with poor, [gremlins] at war with [aliens], [sister] wives at war with their husbands, teachers [literally] at war with their pupils…Pagford is not what it first seems [to the curmudgeonly detective and his sassy, sexy assistant who arrive there to investigate an anonymous tip that Fairweather was murdered by the tornado].
And the empty seat left by Barry on the [Interdimensional Assassins Supreme] council soon becomes the catalyst for the biggest war the [galaxy] has yet seen. Who will triumph in an election fraught with passion, duplicity and [lightning-breathing monsters]?
**
Nothing says "Literature" like 3-headed monsters breathing lightning in order to throw an election.
See? Who wouldn’t want to read that? That’s grown-up literature. That’s a best-seller. You’re welcome. Also? A cameo by Harry Potter. But I suppose that’s just obvious.
And, really, think about the “Janet” thing. Naming yourself after a text-message abbreviation may cut it with the tweener set, but “Janet K. Rowling”? That says ‘big sales.’
The Byronic Man 
April 13, 2012 at 3:27 am
I read her synopsis this morning and sighed at the banality of it and that she’ll still make millions. She can afford to throw a few curveballs in there
April 13, 2012 at 6:35 am
She is an excellent story-teller, so there may be hope. I just wonder if she’ll try to over-compensate and make it as “normal world” as humanly possible.
April 13, 2012 at 3:47 am
JK writing adult novels? That’s just wrong.
April 13, 2012 at 6:35 am
Only do the thing I like!
April 13, 2012 at 4:00 am
The stony professor 😯
You are giving me ideas for my next post 😆
That woof is one clever one .. and the Book by Miss ‘Janet’ is also being labeled as “blackly comic”
I loved the idea of Interdimensional Assassins Supreme council..you have given some cool suggestions I hope She reads this 🙂
April 13, 2012 at 6:36 am
I hope she reads this, too! And introduces me to her publisher. And gives me a sack of money.
April 13, 2012 at 4:08 am
I don’t know about the book, but the synopsis is boring. The name Barry Fairweather is odd. Personally, I am a talking dog in a hat sort of person and I would be very interested to hear what a dog (holder of all secrets) had to say.
April 13, 2012 at 6:37 am
I agree about Barry Fairweather. I’m surprised no one said, “Don’t make it rhyme with ‘Harry.’ Just avoid any possible links.”
April 13, 2012 at 7:26 am
Exactly! There are only a bazillion other choices.
April 13, 2012 at 4:21 am
JK has SO much to learn from you Bryonic!
April 13, 2012 at 6:37 am
Someday she may have a blog of her very own, if she listens to me.
April 13, 2012 at 4:32 am
As long as you’re tossing her free ideas, here’s a few more to consider: Don’t have any characters named “Bumbleworthy” or “The ‘Widow Hobbs”. Also, consider dumping small town England and set the story in 1940’s L.A. or Miami, add a hard boiled detective and a stripper with a heart of gold. Don’t worry, you can still have aliens and tornadoes of fire in that era, they just need to dress better and smoke Lucky’s.
April 13, 2012 at 6:38 am
I’d make a terrible publisher because as soon as someone said, “It’s set in LA in the 1940’s–” I’d yell, “Sold!”
April 13, 2012 at 6:44 am
You’ll notice I left out any reference to Dickens characters in that comment, for fear of embarrassing myself again. Also, wanted to let you know I put a link to you in my latest post. Don’t know who follows me and who doesn’t, so I’m not sure WP will notify you if someone puts your link their blog. I apologize in advance.
April 13, 2012 at 5:02 am
I am going to have to unplug all media until September. I don’t read blurbs on books. I will buy the thing blindly and hope for the best!
April 13, 2012 at 6:39 am
You know what they say: “Always judge a book by its cover.”
April 13, 2012 at 6:43 am
I do. A shocking amount of the time. Here that, authors? Make sure you have good cover art!
April 13, 2012 at 5:04 am
So when’s your book coming out? Seriously. I’d buy it.
April 13, 2012 at 6:39 am
From your lips to God’s ears, my friend.
April 13, 2012 at 5:39 am
Oh noooo. This book sounds so boring! (Unless Janet listens to you. I don’t think I’ll even touch it unless there’s a sarsparilla-making dog in the mix.)
April 13, 2012 at 6:40 am
Sales go up 15% with the inclusion of a hat-wearing, wisdom-dispensing dog. It’s publishing industry fact.
April 13, 2012 at 5:49 am
Your version obviously would lead her to the road of fame and fortune. I’m afraid her version will fizzle out quickly and she will just be another flash in the pan.
April 13, 2012 at 6:41 am
I know, poor kid. She tries. She tries.
April 13, 2012 at 6:48 am
Think you could do that for “War and Peace,” while at the same time making it shorter?
April 13, 2012 at 3:14 pm
No problem. It will involve fewer Russians, more Sleestaks.
April 13, 2012 at 6:59 am
Ohhh, I’m stuck on this floating town idea. I do admit, your version sounds like something I’d rather read, but I know I’ll still be reading as soon as I can get my mitts on it.
April 13, 2012 at 3:15 pm
If I were her, I’d be stressed out about the pressure to do something noteworthy.
Then I’d alleviate that stress with a massage at the Cousteau resort in Fiji.
April 13, 2012 at 7:07 am
Those are great suggestions Byronic Man. I am sure she will be getting back to you!
You are at 800 now? Wow you are cruising you Recommended Blogger you! Congrats!
April 13, 2012 at 3:16 pm
I think something’s wrong with my gmail account, because so far I haven’t heard anything from her.
April 13, 2012 at 3:46 pm
What’s up with that??? 🙂
April 13, 2012 at 7:41 am
This is pure genius from start to finish. Thanks for the Friday morning smile!
April 13, 2012 at 3:17 pm
Thanks! Rowling helped.
April 13, 2012 at 8:13 am
Wait, Harry Potter was meant for children ? Uh, yeah, I knew that…
Brainrant has a brilliant idea, you could be the one responsilbe for perking up many classics! Several could use your help…The Yearling (snore), Sherlock Holmes (could use some CSI action), The Grapes of Wrath (migrant workers – hot topic agian!), and anything russian……
April 13, 2012 at 3:18 pm
My book club read The Yearling a while back. Some nice elements but I spent the first half wondering “WHEN is he going to find the stupid DEER??”
April 13, 2012 at 8:20 am
Oh my, something else to get agitated about.
April 13, 2012 at 3:18 pm
Otherwise we’d all grow complacent.
April 13, 2012 at 10:36 am
She’ll have a best seller. She is a great storyteller. She kept an audience for yo, many years. Give her a chance, she needs the money.
April 13, 2012 at 3:19 pm
It’ll be a best-seller regardless of content. She is a very good story-teller, so it wouldn’t surprise me at all if it’s a good book.
April 13, 2012 at 2:58 pm
You have 10 times more followers than me, but I think what I have in common with you (other than clearly underestimated literary brilliance) is a bit of cynicism about Ms. Rowling’s foray into adult novels. Using her own name might give her sales for the first go-round, but maybe it would have been wise to use a pseudonym to see if the damn thing makes any money. That’s what I’m doing. You know. With my blog.
April 13, 2012 at 3:21 pm
That’s a good point. About our shared brilliance, but also the pseudonym thing.
I can see the desire to establish “I’m more than just Harry Potter,” but it would also make sense to do a Stephen King/Richard Bachman thing.
April 13, 2012 at 3:26 pm
I would a million times over rather read your story. Then again, my preferences do lean that way, as evidenced by a recent conversation with Ba.D.
Ba.D.: [talking at length about a screenplay he’s about to write]
Me: You know what’s missing from all of this?
Ba.D.: No?
Me: A supernatural element. That’d definitely spice things up.
Ba.D.: I am not adding a supernatural element to this, Deb!
I understand on some level that it becomes a different story with the supernatural element, but . . . sometimes different really is “better.”
April 13, 2012 at 5:02 pm
If he’s hoping to sell the screenplay, might I suggest the addition of bosoms?
Hey, are you going to go see Cabin in the Woods?
April 13, 2012 at 6:00 pm
I am! I wish I could watch it this weekend, because you know Joss is my man. (Much like Janet’s yours, hee.)
April 13, 2012 at 6:32 pm
Good thing sweet little Janet has you to help her with editing her new novel. With your help, she just might sell a few copies of that book of hers. Those are stellar additions to that otherwise yawn inducing synopsis. Hope she gets back to you soon. It sounds like she needs as much help as she can get.