*All My Simpsons is a feature in which I do two things: celebrate my undying and pure love of The Simpsons, and bore & alienate about 95% of my readership.*
Today’s All My Simpsons is dedicated to one of my oldest friends, who I don’t get to see often enough. He’s a jazz saxophone player and lawyer. Another friend and I are trying very hard to get him to record an album and call it Sax Offender. Who wouldn’t buy that? I would buy that. He was featured a while back in a magazine called Super Lawyers, which is for people who are like superheroes, but instead of swooping in and rescuing people from burning buildings, they swoop in after the fire and sue the owner of the building for failing to change the smoke alarm batteries every six months. It was great for him, but even better for me, because you know when it gets tiresome making fun of someone for being in a magazine called Super Lawyers? Never. Never.
So, for him, I focus on some of the greatest lines said by attorney Lionel Hutz (aka Miguel Sanchez, aka Nguyen Van Thoc). Hutz is the brilliantly awful lawyer – voiced by the late, incomparable Phil Hartman – who found his way in to the Simpsons life time after time. Here’s just a sampling of some of his finer moments:
“Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me: I. Promise you. A Big. Cash. Settlement.”
“When you hire me, you’ll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You’ll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace, a $99 value, as our gift to you.”
[during a video will from Great-Aunt Gladys] Great Aunt Gladys: Now, let’s get down to business… Hutz: [dubbed in] To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000. Marge: Mr. Hutz! Hutz: You’d be surprised how often that works. You really would! *“Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I’ll be defending you on the charge of… Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I’ll be famous!”
Marge: I thought you were supposed to tell the truth in court. Hutz: Yeah, but what is truth? If you follow me.
Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
Hutz: I’m sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can’t copyright a drink.
Homer: [whines] Oh!
Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of ’78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don’t just make the office look good, they’re filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!
Hutz: Mrs Simpson, your sexual harassment case is just what I need to rebuild my shattered career! Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?
Marge: It’s 9:30 in the morning!
Hutz: Yeah but I haven’t slept in days.
Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, “The Never-Ending Story”.
Homer: So. You think I have a case?
Hutz: Homer, I don’t use the word “hero” very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy.
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Hutz: Right!! That’s why you’re the judge and I’m the law-talking guy.
The Byronic Man 
April 6, 2012 at 3:46 am
There are times when having a witty friend makes for such a great time. Usually filled with laughter and a good time, but when you hand a witty friend something like “super lawyers” on a silver platter….well, you know it’s not ending with “congrats.” Your friend will get a laugh out of this tribute to his greatness and your friendship.
I can hear Phil Hartman in those lines..one of the best.
April 6, 2012 at 1:23 pm
I’m convinced Super Lawyers is published by friends of the lawyers for the express purpose of mocking them.
April 6, 2012 at 4:15 am
When I saw your post title this morning I was all giddy. Can never get enough of the Simpsons. I loved that law-talking guy! It makes me miss Phil Hartman. Back in the early 90s, he was my favorite on SNL. The guy could play any character and it was hystercial. I remember his Jesus–classic. Oh, those were the days when SNL didn’t suck.
April 6, 2012 at 1:23 pm
He was really great. He had the balance of smarmy and sincere at an almost magical level.
April 6, 2012 at 6:19 am
The Simpson’s….Now I will have the theme song in my head all day! Doh!
April 6, 2012 at 1:22 pm
Sorry. If it helps, you can always make up new words to the tune and narrate your day. Instead of The Simpsons, it could be The Stoplight, and such.
April 6, 2012 at 8:35 am
So not only do we get a post of Simpsons quotes, but…Super Lawyers and Sax Offender? OMG. Please tell me more about this guy.
April 6, 2012 at 1:21 pm
He is a titan among men. A combination of Frank Sinatra, Karl Urban and Leonardo DiCaprio.
April 6, 2012 at 10:04 am
You know what it would take to bore and alienate this reader? A month-long blog series about the merits of Rick Santorum.
This? This is magic.
April 6, 2012 at 1:20 pm
Oh, good. My Simpsons love tends to not extend beyond my personal sphere very far…
April 6, 2012 at 1:27 pm
I will always remember being in sixth grade and drawing Bart Simpson covers for my notebooks.
And whenever anyone says “yo,” I’ll forever automatically begin humming the tune that goes with the next words of the song: “Hey, what’s happening, dude? I’m the guy with the rep for being rude!”
Oh, yeah. I do the Bart-man. Still.
April 6, 2012 at 4:23 pm
I’ve actually seen acouple of these episodes so I’m feeling completely non-alienated, and though I do not watch often, I can say Maggie is my fav. i keep waiting to read that she has officially taken over. Let me know, K?
April 6, 2012 at 8:07 pm
Well, I’m more of a fan of the first 10 years or so – a classicist. I check in from time to time, but it’s often not a rewarding experience. Not BAD… but not… The Simpsons.
June 15, 2012 at 2:27 am
This made me smile today when I was feeling grumpy about having no money to go out this weekend because I left my laptop power cable in front of the heater. That $89 hurt was soothed by the hilarity of one of the best minor characters – Lionel Hutz.
This is one of my all time-favourite Simpsons’ quotes:
Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, “The Never-Ending Story”.
Homer: So. You think I have a case?
Hutz: Homer, I don’t use the word “hero” very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history
It sums up the off-ball genius of the Simpsons so well, and Lionel.
June 15, 2012 at 5:14 am
And I love in that scene how Homer just buys it, completely. “Wow.”