*All My Simpsons is a feature in which I do two things: celebrate my undying and pure love of The Simpsons, and bore & alienate about 95% of my readership.*
Today’s All My Simpsons is dedicated to one of my oldest friends, who I don’t get to see often enough. He’s a jazz saxophone player and lawyer. Another friend and I are trying very hard to get him to record an album and call it Sax Offender. Who wouldn’t buy that? I would buy that. He was featured a while back in a magazine called Super Lawyers, which is for people who are like superheroes, but instead of swooping in and rescuing people from burning buildings, they swoop in after the fire and sue the owner of the building for failing to change the smoke alarm batteries every six months. It was great for him, but even better for me, because you know when it gets tiresome making fun of someone for being in a magazine called Super Lawyers? Never. Never.
So, for him, I focus on some of the greatest lines said by attorney Lionel Hutz (aka Miguel Sanchez, aka Nguyen Van Thoc). Hutz is the brilliantly awful lawyer – voiced by the late, incomparable Phil Hartman – who found his way in to the Simpsons life time after time. Here’s just a sampling of some of his finer moments:
“When you hire me, you’ll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You’ll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace, a $99 value, as our gift to you.”[during a video will from Great-Aunt Gladys] Great Aunt Gladys: Now, let’s get down to business… Hutz: [dubbed in] To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000. Marge: Mr. Hutz! Hutz: You’d be surprised how often that works. You really would! *
“Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I’ll be defending you on the charge of… Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I’ll be famous!”Marge: I thought you were supposed to tell the truth in court. Hutz: Yeah, but what is truth? If you follow me. Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case? Hutz: I’m sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can’t copyright a drink. Homer: [whines] Oh! Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of ’78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don’t just make the office look good, they’re filled with useful legal tidbits just like that! Hutz: Mrs Simpson, your sexual harassment case is just what I need to rebuild my shattered career! Care to join me in a belt of Scotch? Marge: It’s 9:30 in the morning! Hutz: Yeah but I haven’t slept in days. Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, “The Never-Ending Story”. Homer: So. You think I have a case? Hutz: Homer, I don’t use the word “hero” very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history. Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy. Judge: You mean a mistrial? Hutz: Right!! That’s why you’re the judge and I’m the law-talking guy.