Ladies and Gentlemen, This Is Your Captain Speaking. Who Wants Parfait?!

April 1, 2012


Okay, so we’ve all heard about the Jetblue captain flipping out and telling passengers there was a bomb on board and they were all going to die.  And, perhaps because of that, you’ve probably heard about the flight attendant some weeks ago who told the passengers that the plane was going to crash.  Now, maybe they’re jokesters and went a wee bit “too dark,” but the freak-out seems more likely.

You never hear about these guys freaking out, did you? No, you don't. Why? Because they went "good crazy." That and because they're all long dead.

How come no one ever freaks out and says something great?  It’s like hearing the person your dating say “we need to talk” – whatever comes next is always awful; usually unbelievably so.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone say, “We need to talk.  I just feel like you’re so great and I wanted to set aside a moment to fully explain your sexy, funny, intelligent wonderfulness.  I have an alphabetized list, if you’re ready.” ?  Yes; yes, it would be nice, and certainly within the realm of possibility.

Why, then, can’t someone freak out on an airplane and say something positive?  Why do people always have to crack in the bad direction?

"Let's tell them we have to kill 4 passengers and throw them out because the plane's too heavy!" "Hahaha! Oh, Becky, you're the worst!"

So, for this week’s Weekly Question of the Week, I’d like to know: What would you most like to hear the pilot or flight attendant come on the intercom and say?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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44 Comments on “Ladies and Gentlemen, This Is Your Captain Speaking. Who Wants Parfait?!”

  1. Valentine Logar Says:

    We have decided to reroute to that dream vacation island you mentioned when boarding.


  2. Lobidu Says:

    “We’re having problems with the Engine, so we have to delay the takeoff for three days. But for those of you who want, our Airline will get you to your preferred destination with private jets. Where you may sit in the cockpit, if you want.”

    Umm, this is, with non-polluting-jets of course. Having set owning a private jet as a life goal and at the same time voting for the greens is some kind of internal conflict, I guess.


  3. Barneysday Says:

    Ladies and gentlemen, Duckway Airlines has had a very good month and would like to reward our passengers for putting up with cramped seats and surly service. So as our way of showing our appreciation for putting up with us, we are refunding the price of your ticket, and drinks are on me!


  4. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    “Ladies and gentleman…We cannot land as expected. There’s been a crash at a nearby gate. You know that plane carrying your unappreciative boss and the bully that teased you in school? It burst into flames. In order to avoid the wreckage, we have been re-routed to Hawaii.”


  5. crubin Says:

    Today, instead of peanuts, we will be passing out extra leg room.


  6. susielindau Says:

    Instead of an in-flight movie, the cast of Sherlock Holmes-Game of Shadows is here to sign autographs and swap business cards..


  7. susielindau Says:

    Due to the super-storm raging in the US, we have to reroute your flight to the Virgin Islands where we’ll provide complimentary accommodations for the next 4 days.


  8. sj Says:

    Ladies and gentlemen, your pilot today is the Doctor and you’ve all just boarded the TARDIS. It really is bigger on the inside, isn’t it?


  9. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Greetings and welcome to Fantasy Fuselage! Your original flight of choice to a Dull and Dreary destination, has been diverted. We will be re-routed to a little place known as Your Hearts Desire. Its sits right it the middle of Awesome and Bombdiggity, so please, sit back and enjoy the ride.


  10. She's a Maineiac Says:

    “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. We have a treat in store for you. It seems a Mr. Snoop Doggy Dogg in first class is offering a complimentary hit off his bong and all the ice cream sundae you can eat. Fo shizzle.”


  11. Anastasia Says:

    ksssshhhhh.. attention ladies and gentlemen..I’m so sorry to have to tell you this but due to inclement weather in Saudi, we’re unfortunately being diverted to Paris for what looks to be a week or more. I’m sorry this will delay your arrival in the Middle East, but we here at KLM will do our best to make your regrettable stay in Paris as comfortable as possible, under the circumstance.


  12. tomwisk Says:

    “This is your captain speaking; The good news is we’re not able to land at Dallas-Fort Worth. The bad news is we’ve been cleared for Tio Jose’s International at Guadelajara.”


  13. Lenore Diane Says:

    Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. I bet the co-Captain we could fit at least 20 people into the bathroom. I’ll split my winnings with you. Who’s in?


  14. thesinglecell Says:

    I think I’m going to stand behind the one I mentioned in my post about Captain Freaking. “We’re not going to Vegas. (beat. beat.) We’re going to Hawaii instead!”


  15. ghfool Says:

    1) We are five minutes off schedule, so free unlimited cocktails for everyone!
    2) The captain has just turned off the fasten seatbelt sign so at this time our new flight attendant, Candy, will be providing lap dances for every willing passenger.
    3) This is the 1,000 flight of this aircraft and to celebrate we have redirected our flight path and are now heading for Rio de Janeiro.
    4) That thing the pilot just said about a bomb on board was incorrect. What he meant to say was that there’s a bong on board.
    5) This flight will be the first to utilize the new “transporter” technology. We will arrive at our destination in approximately 3 seconds.
    6) Your onboard movie this evening will be a double feature of “Evil Dead 2” and “Army of Darkness”.
    7) Your meal options today are a bag of peanuts or a 10 oz. filet mignon with balsamic glaze served medium rare with a side of butter drenched mushrooms and garlic asparagus.
    8) The crew will be passing out bottles of expensive red wine to the first 10 passengers that can explain the difference between there, their and they’re.
    9) On the left side of the aircraft you can see Mt. Rainier and on the right is a UFO.
    10) Ladies and gentleman, that freaky beast standing on the right wing and tearing large chunks off the plane’s fuselage is merely a figment of your imagination. Do not panic!


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I would add to #5: And Bruce Campbell is on board, and no, he’s not tired of talking about these movies at all, so he’ll be looking for people to help him act it out!


  16. Jackie Cangro Says:

    We’ve just done a random drawing here in the cockpit and to the woman in 31G, we invite you to first class where we’ll be pampering you with a seat that reclines, free mimosas and all the peanuts you can eat.


  17. gojulesgo Says:

    I want to cheat and use a combination of seven people’s answers. It would look something like this:

    “Ladies and Gentleman, I have just won the Mega Millions, and will provide each of you with 20 million in cash and your own chartered jet upon landing. This plane we are currently on will then pick up your nemeses and take them to The Land of Scorpions, where they must live off of stale Peeps while watching endless films detailing your success. Your own jet will immediately take you to the destination of your dreams, where you may live out the rest of your days with all of the spouses you can reasonably manage. Oh, and did I mention the champagne? Starting now, you can have all of it.”

    Yeah. Something like that. Will you be able to fit it all into the poll? 😉


  18. My Ox is a Moron Says:

    kchchchchck — This is the captain speaking. While there is a bomb on board, I failed to mention that it is set to light a fire in the only empty seat on the aircraft. As soon as the flames are spotted marshmallows, chocolate, graham crackers and roasters will be passed out. There will be a prizes for the following:

    – The most skins removed from a marshmallow.
    – The most evenly golden brown marshmallow.
    – The first to catch their marshmallow on fire.
    – The most beautifully made s’more.
    – The tallest s’more.


  19. Audrey Says:

    We will be touching down in the Sicily shortly. As always, flights to amazing beaches around the world as well as first class seating, in-flight wifi, and alcoholic beverages are complimentary. Enjoy your stay and welcome to Palermo!


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