Oh, Mitt Romney. I adore you. You are my absolute favorite political candidate in this presidential race, and I just want you to know that. Don’t misunderstand me – I don’t really want you to be president, but I’m enjoying your campaign so much it just makes me giddy. You’re like a parody of the Politician Who’s Totally Out of Touch With Regular People. A one man Youtube “Shit Rich Politicians Say” video. Seriously, it’s like the Monopoly Guy is running for president.
"Corporations are people, my friend… Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to the people. Where do you think it goes? Whose pockets? Whose pockets? People's pockets. Human beings, my friend."
When you tried to relate to unemployed people by saying that they should hear your story, because you too are unemployed (despite your $200 million worth)? Or to the hardships of losing one’s job by talking about when you were a CEO you occasionally had to lay people off and how hard that was? Solid. Gold. Especially when paired with the Made-for-negative-ad soundbite of when you said, “I’m not concerned for the very poor.”
Let the others have their Cain’s and Palin’s. You’re the one for me. Sure, when the reporter asked Cain if he approved of how Obama handled the situation in Libya, he had to ask what happened in Libya and how Obama handled it, and yes, he’s got you on the creepy, painful campaign ads, but he was a dalliance – we all knew it.
Nobody expects the Romney Rich-Guy Gaffe!
And sorry Santorum and Gingrich – we all know it’s not going to happen for you in the end (oh, sorry Santorum – didn’t mean to say “in the end”). You’re not funny like Romney is. Romney seems like a basically decent person who has no idea what normal life is like. You two are funny like the Spanish Inquisition. Romney’s more like Monty Python’s “Spanish Inquistion” sketch.
When you, Romney, inevitably (spoiler alert) get the Republican nomination from a reluctant, divided party, I hope, oh God I hope hope hope, the Obama team goes negative in their ads. I hate negative campaigning but it’ll be like a greatest hits of your quotes. The montage of quotes in which you talk about firing people alone is going to be outstanding. I want to hear it auto-tuned. I want to see it reenacted by puppets.
Omar in 2012? Oh, Indeed.
Remember 2004? When John Kerry seemed so out of touch? And his team had to train him to drop his “g’s” so he’d sound more regular? And suddenly he was “talkin’ ‘bout creatin’ jobs” and such? Compared to you, Kerry’s like Omar from The Wire.
When you were posing with some African-American kids, and tried to “fit in” by singing “Who Let The Dogs Out?”?
When you mocked the NASCAR fans for their cheap rain ponchos at the Daytona 500? Then suggested that you relate to racing fans because you “have some friends who are NASCAR team owners”? You weren’t kidding! That was the closest you could get to being human! And you really want to connect with people – I believe that. Gingrich seems to regard common people with all the compassion of a Pharoah, so you’ve got that.
Well, with the relentless divisiveness in your party, the Republicans have all but announced “Obama 2012!” so it’s quite probably not going to happen for you, but I wanted you to know that you have made this campaign for me. I’d given up on politics as hopelessly corrupt; nothing but demagoguery trying to terrify people into submission. But you’ve made me believe again. To believe that politics can be funny without being horrifying. To believe that it can make you feel good. To, as you put it, “believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in.”
The Byronic Man 
March 6, 2012 at 7:06 am
OMG! This is great! You have put to words the exact essence of Twit… I mean, Mitt. And I agree with you completely… he’s my favorite to win and it will be FUN watching him run against Obama. A true Laurel and Hardy routine coming up.
March 6, 2012 at 7:49 am
I love that the majority of American think Mitt is short for “Mittens.” I wish. I wish.
March 6, 2012 at 9:56 am
I know. That’s hilarious!
March 6, 2012 at 7:08 am
He really said that? Hahaha!
Oh I can’t believe who our choices are for president this time. I hoped there would be someone who would step up, but all the smart, normal people would never run. Funny post!
March 6, 2012 at 7:48 am
Basically, anyone who wants to be president should be ineligible to be president. And with the nation in the state it’s in, really the only reason to run now is to be president, not do the job of president.
March 6, 2012 at 7:57 am
That seems to be the overall sentiment. Here! Here!
March 6, 2012 at 7:31 am
We’re left to choose the least-worst dude, basically.
March 6, 2012 at 7:47 am
It’s the story of democracy.
March 6, 2012 at 8:24 am
“Romney seems like a basically decent person who has no idea what normal life is like. You two are funny like the Spanish Inquisition. Romney’s more like Monty Python’s “Spanish Inquistion” sketch.”
Yessssss. You nailed it!
March 6, 2012 at 1:40 pm
It all comes back to Monty Python.
March 6, 2012 at 8:28 am
That paragraph about the Spanish Inquisition? Freaking. Brilliant.
March 6, 2012 at 10:01 am
Agreed!
March 6, 2012 at 1:42 pm
Thanks! Comments that say I’m great are always welcome here.
March 6, 2012 at 9:18 am
” I want to see it reenacted by puppets.”
So, um, I’m thinking we need to team up again to make this happen.
March 6, 2012 at 1:41 pm
It’s a date! But not in a way that will make the spouses angry.
March 6, 2012 at 10:08 am
If only I’d read this earlier. Then surely I would have voted for Romney this morning in the open-to-anyone-registered Virginia primary. Really, I would have realized that watching the news is way cheaper than comedy clubs.
Sigh.
March 6, 2012 at 1:43 pm
Although people tend to give you weird looks if you enforce a 2 drink minimum while watching the news.
March 6, 2012 at 10:11 am
I also think you and Jules need to team up and do a funky, hip, ‘gettin’ jiggy wid it’, puppet video.
This post was absolutely hilarious and absolutely terrifying. Like every election.
March 6, 2012 at 1:45 pm
If only when the show was over we didn’t have someone with power. The 2000 election would have been the best political satire of the decade, except then when it was over it was real.
March 6, 2012 at 11:01 am
Yes, “poor” Mitt is an outcast, isn’t he? He’s trying so hard to be one of us poor slobs, and he just can’t seem to break in. By the way, did you mean Cain when you said McCain
March 6, 2012 at 11:07 am
Whoops. Yes, I did mean Cain. I’m dumb. I will edit that.
March 6, 2012 at 11:55 am
Thought you might want to!
March 6, 2012 at 1:44 pm
The funny thing is that in my “still waking up” state this morning I even thought it through. “McCain? Cain? No, McCain. John McCain” while picturing Cain.
March 6, 2012 at 3:22 pm
Since McCain, not to be confused with Cain, wants us to get into a war with Syria now, I’m sure you can find fodder there, too.
March 6, 2012 at 11:21 am
Loved the post. Mittens is by far my favorite Republican with Rickey and Newtster tied for second. Talk about a disconnect. My true-right fave is Flush Limbaugh. I was going to post about him on last Friday but needed time to cool down. Check out Words and Numbers 32 at http://tomwisk.wordpress.com
March 6, 2012 at 1:47 pm
Really? You don’t think calling someone a slut is responsible journalism? There’s been a real rash of crazy lately. More than usual, it seems like.
March 6, 2012 at 2:12 pm
Check the link.
March 6, 2012 at 2:48 pm
Oh, I did. There’s a great graph on the Huffington Post of the Crazy-Meter for the week. Rush won.
March 6, 2012 at 11:29 am
I treasure the “Monopoly guy” reference. My crack research team just passed “GO” and informed me that the pudgy billionaire’s original name was “Rich Uncle Pennbags”, however he is now affectionately referred to as “Whiff”.
March 6, 2012 at 1:48 pm
I could swear he had a monocle, though.
And if Romney would wear a monocle while he said all these things? I would vote for him. Totally.
March 6, 2012 at 12:58 pm
Your post is positively wonderful for so many reasons. One is Omar. I seriously love Omar. I mean seriously. And I believe in an America in which you can take all the letters and scramble them around and make “I camera!” Do you think beings from outer space are watching us and laughing themselves silly?
March 6, 2012 at 1:50 pm
True story: Obama recently said The Wire is his favorite TV show of all time, and that Omar is his favorite character. He even said something like, “You have to love Omar.”
I hope the aliens are watching us and saying “Oh, remember when we were so simple? They’ll get there. They’ll get there.”
March 6, 2012 at 1:27 pm
I am not there, it is still horrifying.
March 6, 2012 at 1:51 pm
I think it’s a comparative lightness. After the horror-based laughter of the Bush/Cheney years, this all seems relatively pithy and comical.
March 6, 2012 at 2:42 pm
Reading Romney’s words again in the Monopoly Man caption, I suddenly heard the cadence and patter of huckster Prof. Harold Hill in the Music Man: Ya got trouble, Right here in River City! With a capital “T” And that rhymes with “P” And that stands for Pool! Unfortunately Romney is not a fictional character; he wouldn’t be believable as a fictional character.
March 6, 2012 at 4:05 pm
Good call. I can see that – along the lines of “He’s a what? He’s a what?” “Well, he’s a Music Man!”
But instead, “Whose pockets? Whose pockets?” “Well, the people’s pockets!”
March 7, 2012 at 5:37 am
Ah ! You read my mind (& choice of musicals!)
March 6, 2012 at 3:05 pm
Okay, I’ve heard Susie Lindau rave about you. And I’ve heard Deb Bryan gush about you. And now Darla is all over you.
I just want you to know I am falling for you.
Hard.
IYKWIM.
And if you don’t, Google that immediately.
Because we are going to be lovers.
And by that I mean blogging friends.
And now “being interviewed by The Byronic Man” is on the list of things I want to do before I have to go back to teach in September.
Please fall in love with me soon. 😉
March 6, 2012 at 4:10 pm
Oh, I K what you M.
And really, the unflagging adoration of women the world over is all I’ve asked of this humble blog. And wealth. And power. So this is excellent news. I will commence falling in love immediately.
And I’d be thrilled to have you do a 20 Questions interview! I’ll have my people contact your people.
March 6, 2012 at 4:03 pm
Republicans…gotta love ’em. Without them, all we’d hear is the sound of bloggers crying at the lack of good material. 🙂
March 6, 2012 at 4:10 pm
Remember during the W years, when it seemed like reality had surpassed satire? Did that all really happen?
March 6, 2012 at 4:14 pm
The lead up to this November is going to be ripe with possibilities…maybe too ripe. 😉
March 6, 2012 at 8:36 pm
Once again, you have taken the words out of my mouth, but made them sound more interesting and funnier x1000. Well said, well said. Let’s enjoy this show, i’ll be microwaving the popcorn.
March 7, 2012 at 6:18 am
Thanks for saying so. Super-Tuesday wound up being a nail-biter, didn’t it? No good blunders, though. Can’t rush these things.
March 7, 2012 at 4:04 am
I could have sworn that when Herman Cain was asked about Libya he answered,
“OK Libya? (dramatic pause) I don’t know any woman named Libya! I just want to make sure we’re talking about the same thing before I say ‘Yes I agreed’ or ‘No I didn’t agree.’ (dramatic pause) Specifically, what are you asking me? (another laborious, dramatic pause) I’m ready for the ‘gotcha’ questions and they’re already starting to come. And when they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I’m going to say, you know, I don’t know. Do YOU who Libya is? Never met her. “
March 7, 2012 at 6:11 am
Oh, God, I’d forgotten about the whole “Ubeki-beki-beki” thing. Just vile. Vile and arrogant. “I’m running on a platform of angrily defiant ignorance and violent arrogance! Join me, America!”
March 7, 2012 at 5:44 am
He IS the Monopoly guy !!!! Why didn’t we catch on to that sooner? And how old does that make him? Tho Obama campaign is going to have so much material, they may need to bring back the idea of a weekly variety show. Along with the puppets, we may need hosting help – perhaps Carol Burnette or Donny Osmond. We can all wear purple socks !
March 7, 2012 at 6:08 am
I read this article with an “unnamed member of the Obama team” (I’m thinking it was Michelle Obama), who was practically giggling talking about the quotes they’ve gathered. He was saying they’ve never wasted a minute on anyone except Romney, because they knew that’s where it would end up.
March 7, 2012 at 6:15 am
Well said….
March 7, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Hysterical! John Kerry as Omar. Sadly, you are right. Mitt’s got absolutely no street cred. My recent fave was his speech in his native state of Michigan, in which he espouses his love for the state’s lakes, people and the fact that the trees are just the right height. I’m certain that he would have won the state by a larger margin over Santorum if he’d only had to sense to tell Michigan’s people that they, too, are exactly the right height. Imagine a positive affirmation like that coming from a GOP candidate. “I may be a billionaire, my wife my drive a Caddy, but you people – the good people of Michigan – are exactly as tall or short as you should be. Rich people, like me, we’re no good at height. I could learn a thing or two from you folks.” Then for a little flavor, he mumble something like, “You jiggy with that?”