As readers may recall, a couple weeks ago my wife and I became America’s greatest heroes. The fact that Christopher Nolan and Bryan Singer aren’t fist-fighting over the movie rights to our story can only be explained by the notion that they’re playing coy (Well, it won’t work, Nolan!). So, there have been a few developments I thought you all might be interested in.
1.The burglar had an accomplice, who happened to not be there at the moment. She’d taken some things back to their van. Timing is the only reason we encountered one burglar instead of two.
No, that's the Mystery Van. That's how you catch the Crime Van
2. Timing is also the reason we didn’t encounter the second burglar with one of the items they took: a pistol. So… in other words… they were armed at one point. Ahhhh. Mm-mm, good. That’s the tidbit that had me taking a couple deep breaths and putting my head between my knees.
3. The burglar took several thousand dollars in coins, checks and cash. It wasn’t found in their crime-van, crime-apartment, or in his crime-pockets. He plea-bargained for a reduced sentence in exchange for telling them where the money was, which is good. But it was… wait for it… still in the house. He’d hidden it under a stack of towels when he saw us coming. No fair! Shouldn’t the DA be able to say, “No, no, no! Plea-bargain revoked, that’s cheating! They would have found it anyway!”? But I guess at least she has it back.
I'd have the cool motorcycle, but Impulse Girl won't let me.
4. My wife was flipping through one of those “How To Survive Dangerous Situations” books that are so popular right now, and came across “How to survive an encounter with a burglar.” First thing it said was, “Absolutely under no circumstances confront or try to apprehend the burglar.” Nice. And I suppose that’s true for most people. The civilians. Those exist in the light. But we’re out there, on the edge, facing the darkness. Because my wife and I, we’re the heroes this city deserves, but not the heroes it needs right now. We’re silent guardians. Watchful protectors. We are Stoic Man & Impulse Girl.
The Byronic Man 
December 3, 2011 at 8:37 am
Developing some PTSD here?
December 3, 2011 at 3:07 pm
I think in this case they’re more akin to “daydreams.”
December 3, 2011 at 9:29 am
Yes, but who looks better in tights?
December 3, 2011 at 3:07 pm
Oh, God, no contest. My ankles go up to my knees. Awful.
December 3, 2011 at 10:49 am
I 100% agree that you should be able to cry “foul” on that plea bargain! That’s just a dirty, underhanded trick and who would expect that from a burglar?? I personally feel better knowing that Stoic Man and Impulse Girl are out there protecting us from danger. A Dynamic Duo for the new millennium!!
PS – Very glad that the pistol was not in their hands when you stumbled on them. Because then we might not have had the chance to read your awesome story! Thanks for the update.
December 3, 2011 at 3:08 pm
I know, if you can’t trust a heroin-addicted burglar trying to weasel out of punishment, who can you trust?
December 3, 2011 at 12:11 pm
Well, you might look good in tights but you’re really rock in a fedora. Then not only would you be a super man, you’d be Super Cool Stoic Man.
December 3, 2011 at 3:10 pm
I could tip the brim and wink when I drop the crook off at the cops. Say something like, “Gift-wrapped for ya’, Johnny. You can take this one to the bank.” (if he robbed a bank)
December 3, 2011 at 2:30 pm
I am so happy you posted that picture of Scooby and the gang because it helps take a little of the edge off a scary situation. Just reading about it gives me chills. Press on Stoic Man!
December 3, 2011 at 3:11 pm
It’s best to just think about the funny parts, because the potentially bad parts could turn the laughter hysterical, then to coughing, then crying, then rocking back and forth.
December 3, 2011 at 4:08 pm
It makes me so happy that RI has a little thing called Castle Doctrine. You can blow away a burglar without fear of criminal or civil reprisal.
It’s good practice though to shoot them head on, even if shooting them in back is still legal.
Now a friend lives in MA and they have what I consider to be a stupid law, namely it’s called duty to retreat. He has to run, or at least keep disposable weaponry handy because it is permitted to use deadly force when an assailant attempts to use such means against you.
In fact over the past year and a half there have been two cases in RI where pot growers had their houses invaded and shot dead the intruders. What they were actually charged with was having too many pot plants, not for the killing of the criminal.
December 3, 2011 at 6:03 pm
If only Impulse Girl had read the book earlier (but, then she wouldn’t be Impulse Girl, would she?).
December 4, 2011 at 8:01 am
It wouldn’t have mattered. The thing that fueled her wasn’t justice or anything, it was that he wouldn’t admit he was lying. “Why is the dog in the house?!” “The dog’s allowed to be in the house.” “NO, HE IS NOT!” “Yes, he is.” “NO, HE IS NOT! THE DOG IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE HOUSE!”
July 16, 2012 at 9:05 pm
Did she seriously have that conversation with him? HAHAHHA!
December 4, 2011 at 4:36 am
Rather than PTSD, I would be experiencing PRPW (post-robbery pants-wetting). One way to look at it. The odds of anything like this every happening to you again are very, very slim. Go back to the bat cave and have a stiff drink.
December 4, 2011 at 8:03 am
Wouldn’t it be nice if bad things in life were like colds? Once you get that particular bad thing, you’re now immune? So you could grieve the house fire, or robbery, or car accident, but think, “Well, at least I’m free of those from now on.”
December 4, 2011 at 1:53 pm
Cheese and rice! I’m so glad you guys are okay. I mean, out there fighting crime for the rest of us…
December 5, 2011 at 2:39 pm
Glad you made it out alive; I’d really miss your wit! Have you and your wife took to embroidering personalized superhero capes yet?
July 16, 2012 at 9:07 pm
Hmmmm…maybe you should start writing a bunch of extra posts, in case something ever did happen to you someone could post one a week…so we could mourn while laughing…no it isn’t morbid, everybody is going to die someday, and you are married to impulse girl…