Crime-Buster Action Update!

December 3, 2011


As readers may recall, a couple weeks ago my wife and I became America’s greatest heroes.  The fact that Christopher Nolan and Bryan Singer aren’t fist-fighting over the movie rights to our story can only be explained by the notion that they’re playing coy (Well, it won’t work, Nolan!).  So, there have been a few developments I thought you all might be interested in.

1.The burglar had an accomplice, who happened to not be there at the moment.  She’d taken some things back to their van.  Timing is the only reason we encountered one burglar instead of two.

No, that's the Mystery Van. That's how you catch the Crime Van

2. Timing is also the reason we didn’t encounter the second burglar with one of the items they took: a pistol.  So… in other words… they were armed at one point.  Ahhhh.  Mm-mm, good.  That’s the tidbit that had me taking a couple deep breaths and putting my head between my knees.

3. The burglar took several thousand dollars in coins, checks and cash.  It wasn’t found in their crime-van, crime-apartment, or in his crime-pockets.  He plea-bargained for a reduced sentence in exchange for telling them where the money was, which is good.  But it was… wait for it… still in the house. He’d hidden it under a stack of towels when he saw us coming.  No fair!  Shouldn’t the DA be able to say, “No, no, no!  Plea-bargain revoked, that’s cheating!  They would have found it anyway!”?  But I guess at least she has it back.

I'd have the cool motorcycle, but Impulse Girl won't let me.

4. My wife was flipping through one of those “How To Survive Dangerous Situations” books that are so popular right now, and came across “How to survive an encounter with a burglar.”  First thing it said was, “Absolutely under no circumstances confront or try to apprehend the burglar.”  Nice.  And I suppose that’s true for most people.  The civilians.  Those exist in the light.  But we’re out there, on the edge, facing the darkness.  Because my wife and I, we’re the heroes this city deserves, but not the heroes it needs right now.  We’re silent guardians.  Watchful protectors.  We are Stoic Man & Impulse Girl.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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19 Comments on “Crime-Buster Action Update!”

  1. BrainRants Says:

    Developing some PTSD here?


  2. k8edid Says:

    Yes, but who looks better in tights?


  3. angrymiddleagewoman Says:

    I 100% agree that you should be able to cry “foul” on that plea bargain! That’s just a dirty, underhanded trick and who would expect that from a burglar?? I personally feel better knowing that Stoic Man and Impulse Girl are out there protecting us from danger. A Dynamic Duo for the new millennium!!

    PS – Very glad that the pistol was not in their hands when you stumbled on them. Because then we might not have had the chance to read your awesome story! Thanks for the update.


  4. Blogdramedy Says:

    Well, you might look good in tights but you’re really rock in a fedora. Then not only would you be a super man, you’d be Super Cool Stoic Man.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I could tip the brim and wink when I drop the crook off at the cops. Say something like, “Gift-wrapped for ya’, Johnny. You can take this one to the bank.” (if he robbed a bank)


  5. She's a Maineiac Says:

    I am so happy you posted that picture of Scooby and the gang because it helps take a little of the edge off a scary situation. Just reading about it gives me chills. Press on Stoic Man!


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      It’s best to just think about the funny parts, because the potentially bad parts could turn the laughter hysterical, then to coughing, then crying, then rocking back and forth.


  6. truthspew Says:

    It makes me so happy that RI has a little thing called Castle Doctrine. You can blow away a burglar without fear of criminal or civil reprisal.

    It’s good practice though to shoot them head on, even if shooting them in back is still legal.

    Now a friend lives in MA and they have what I consider to be a stupid law, namely it’s called duty to retreat. He has to run, or at least keep disposable weaponry handy because it is permitted to use deadly force when an assailant attempts to use such means against you.

    In fact over the past year and a half there have been two cases in RI where pot growers had their houses invaded and shot dead the intruders. What they were actually charged with was having too many pot plants, not for the killing of the criminal.


  7. Rayme Wells @ A Clean Surface Says:

    If only Impulse Girl had read the book earlier (but, then she wouldn’t be Impulse Girl, would she?).


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      It wouldn’t have mattered. The thing that fueled her wasn’t justice or anything, it was that he wouldn’t admit he was lying. “Why is the dog in the house?!” “The dog’s allowed to be in the house.” “NO, HE IS NOT!” “Yes, he is.” “NO, HE IS NOT! THE DOG IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE HOUSE!”


  8. becomingcliche Says:

    Rather than PTSD, I would be experiencing PRPW (post-robbery pants-wetting). One way to look at it. The odds of anything like this every happening to you again are very, very slim. Go back to the bat cave and have a stiff drink.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Wouldn’t it be nice if bad things in life were like colds? Once you get that particular bad thing, you’re now immune? So you could grieve the house fire, or robbery, or car accident, but think, “Well, at least I’m free of those from now on.”


  9. gojulesgo Says:

    Cheese and rice! I’m so glad you guys are okay. I mean, out there fighting crime for the rest of us…


  10. cassiebehle Says:

    Glad you made it out alive; I’d really miss your wit! Have you and your wife took to embroidering personalized superhero capes yet?


    • Side Yard Flock Says:

      Hmmmm…maybe you should start writing a bunch of extra posts, in case something ever did happen to you someone could post one a week…so we could mourn while laughing…no it isn’t morbid, everybody is going to die someday, and you are married to impulse girl…


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