I am thankful to have the whole family together this holiday evening, especially those who haven’t spoken to each other for so long, to share this special meal.
I am thankful for this wonderful looking turkey, and the honor of carving it.
I am thankful to hear the constant joyful shrieking of so many children. I didn’t know so many relatives had so many children. So, I’m thankful for that, too.
I am thankful that uncle Andy is enjoying the wine so much. Save some for the rest of us, uncle Andy! Ha ha.
I'm thankful that this knife apparently has a heart full of hate for meat.
I am thankful for this impressive electric knife someone brought to carve the turkey with. And I am thankful for how well it works! Wow!
I am thankful that the turkey shrapnel cleaned from the walls with little fuss.
I am thankful that the thousands of children in my house find the fact that the knife also took off part of my pinky to be so delightful.
I am thankful that we keep so much gauze in our home.
I am thankful that cousin Ruth is speaking to Aunt Laura for the first time in 4 years, and clearing the air.
See, everyone likes waffles, right? It's... you know... a compliment! Waffles!
I am thankful that Ruth is explaining that Laura misunderstood Ruth’s meaning when she said that Laura’s ass looked like the first waffle from the maker that you throw out.
I am thankful that Laura is expressing sympathy and understanding for Ruth being such a bitch.
I am thankful that the mashed potatoes are ready right now.
I am thankful that they’re actually not ready, as scalding-hot mashed potatoes could have really done some damage to Ruth’s and Laura’s faces, and my new suit.
I am thankful that uncle Andy feels comfortable enough to share his views on politics and “the lesser races.”
Waldorf Salads: Surprisingly soft
I am thankful that Andy has passed out, and I am thankful that the Waldorf salad was there to cushion his face from hitting the table.
I am thankful that the army of screaming children have learned the interesting effects that a bowl of gravy has on a Bose stereo.
I am thankful that an electric knife does no real damage when it’s been jerked from the wall-socket and thrust at Aunt Laura.
I am thankful that cousin Peter is a man who is unafraid to cry. Loudly, and for no clear reason.
I am thankful to grandma for explaining why the family never gets together.
I am thankful for my wife thanking everyone for coming and helping them be careful that the door not hit anyone in the ass as they exit.
I am thankful to have a whole pumpkin pie to eat while I watch Heaven Can Wait on TV.
Seriously, if you've never seen 1978's Heaven Can Wait...
The Byronic Man 
November 25, 2011 at 10:30 am
God bless families for giving us a reason to live so far away.
November 25, 2011 at 3:39 pm
And the endless source of issues. I mean, material.
November 25, 2011 at 10:30 am
You did a great job typing with only 9 fingers.
I am putting that waffle insult in my back pocket, just in case. Happy Thanksgiving, Byronic Man!
November 25, 2011 at 3:38 pm
Just remember to give credit, as in, “Oh. My. God. That girl’s butt looks like the first waffle from the maker that you throw out (copyrightthebyronicman2011allrightsreserved).”
November 25, 2011 at 10:36 am
I would feel right at home….and I can bandage fingers to make them look like finger puppets. See ya next year.
November 25, 2011 at 3:52 pm
Sounds good. If people ask who that person is at the table, I’ll just explain that it will all make sense after the inevitable injury.
November 25, 2011 at 11:54 am
That’s the only good Beatty movie there is, man, you kidding?
November 25, 2011 at 3:54 pm
It’s definitely my favorite, but I’m a big fan of several Beatty films, I got to say. Bonnie & Clyde, Parallax View, Mickey One, Bugsy. But there’s no shortage of misfires, as well.
November 25, 2011 at 4:15 pm
I am thankful that you write these posts and keep me in stitches. (Not the same stitches required for your finger, of course.)
November 26, 2011 at 7:50 am
You know what’s weird? I dreamt this post. Not even the event, I dreamt actually writing it. Woke up with the whole thing complete in my head. I don’t what that means, exactly, but it suggests I’ve crossed some sort of line.
November 25, 2011 at 5:34 pm
I felt as if I were there! Enjoy the pie.
November 25, 2011 at 7:29 pm
Why were you at my familie’s house this year?
LOL
November 25, 2011 at 9:24 pm
I don’t know if there will ever be a family thanksgiving again, well maybe with one of my aunts, but my I haven’t spoken to my father in about a year now and have no intention whatsoever of talking to him ever again.
November 26, 2011 at 4:38 pm
I will never be able to look at an ass again without determining, on a scale of 1-10, how much it looks like the first waffle of the batch.
November 27, 2011 at 7:52 am
Sounds like a recipe for the next hit Reality TV show. Get ready for “So, You Think Your Ass Isn’t Terrible,” America!
November 27, 2011 at 6:32 am
No matter how much I have to drink, I can never get a buzz at family gatherings. How is that possible?
November 27, 2011 at 7:57 am
Yet the hangover never seems to be too tough to conjure.
November 27, 2011 at 5:00 pm
I am thankful this holiday is only once a year.