Rescuing Han

September 15, 2011

Film, Humor

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… right around the end of The Empire Strikes Back

Luke: Leia, Chewie, C3P0, R2D2, Lando, thanks for meeting.  Okay, it’s been a rough couple months, I know we’re all pretty shaken.  C3P0 got blown to bits, Han’s frozen in carbonite—

Chebacca:  Graawwnk!

Luke: I know, Chewie.  I know.  The rebellion’s been reduced to a few starship floating aimlessly, and of course, it turns out Vader is my dad and he cut off my hand.

Lando: I lost my city and home, too.

Whole time, buddy. The whole time I was thinking, 'I hope this surreal nightmare doesn't cause any grief for good old Lando.'

Luke: Oh, I’m sorry, did you say something, Betrayer McBackstabby?

Lando: Well, I’m just saying… I was, you know…

Leia: Oh that’s right, you did lose your mining operation.  Was that when you were selling us out to the evil empire?  It was, right?  I don’t have my dates mixed up?  It’s when you sold us out – your oldest friend among them – to the most evil…

Lando: Okay, never mind.

Luke:  No, really, Lando’s right.  Here I’ve been so caught up in my own problems, what with finding out that my dad, who I thought was dead, is an evil overlord who cut off my hand and told me my destiny is to be evil too, that I completely forgot that you lost your job.

(pause)

Lando: Fine.  Can we just move on?

Luke: I think that’d be best.  So anyway, obviously, the top order of business is rescuing Han, who is being held by the notorious gangster, Jabba the Hutt on the planet Tattooine.  My home planet.  I could draw you a map to his place right now.

Leia: So this is easy right?  We load a couple of gunships, fly down there, blow a few holes in the place – boom, boom, boom – say, “Evening, Jabba.  How are things?  You feel like giving Han back, or should we level your palace? Same dif either way for us.”  We get Han, we’re back by breakfast.  Easy Peasy.

Luke:  Hmmmm… yeah, that’s a good plan, too.  Let’s call that Plan B.  Here’s what I’m picturing: Okay, so we know right where he is, right? So, then, Lando?

Lando: Yes.

Luke: You’re going to fly down there and infiltrate Jabba’s gang by getting a job in his palace as a guard.  You’ll keep this job for, oh, about 2 or 3 years.

Lando: What?! 3 years!?

Luke: Do you want to help or not?  You’ve got to really get in there.  Show him you’re a good worker.  Okay, so then we send down C3P0 and R2D2.  They deliver a message that I want Han back; then, we give R2 and 3P0 to Jabba, so Jabba has them as slaves!

C3P0: Oh, my.

R2D2:  Beedly-boop!

C3P0: I’m afraid I don’t understand why—

Luke: Ah ah ah! Just wait.  Next, Leia, you’ll disguise yourself as a bounty hunter, and show up with a thermal detonator—

And, Leia, if he sticks you in this fetishistic gold bikini? Well, even better. For the plan, I mean.

Leia: Yeaaahhh!! Now we’re talking!  Princess Leia, blowing shit up!

Luke: Well, sort of.  You come in with Chewbacca in handcuffs, saying that you’ve captured Chewbacca and want the bounty.   You give them Chewie, and now Chewie is Jabba’s prisoner!

Chewbacca: Graaaawwrr!

Luke: Next, in the middle of the night, Leia, you’ll slip down and release Han from his frozen coma.

Leia: Finally.

Luke: But those carbonite freezing chamber things are loud when they defrost, so there’s no way you won’t be heard.  So I figure, then Jabba’s guys jump out, and take both of you prisoner!

Lando: Luke, this is an awful plan.  Just… just awful.

Leia: How is this even sane?

Chebacca: Graawwnk!

Luke: Hey!  Who’s the Jedi here? Well, almost Jedi.  Who’s wearing all black?  Who’s got a light saber, raise your hand. Worked with Yoda.  Anyone?  Anyone?  Oh, just me?  That’s right.  Me.  So shut it.  If I may continue… because then I come sweeping in, right?  And I’ll be all cloaky and intense.  But, there’s this pit under the floor where you talk to Jabba, so I figure—

Leia: He drops you in the pit and takes you prisoner?

Luke:  Bingo.  Now you’re getting it.  Then, once they haul us out to the desert and dangle us over a pit?  We’ve got them right where we want them.  That’s our moment to strike.  R2 will have my light saber stashed, shoot it through the air to me, and we fight our way free!  It’s simplicity at it’s finest!  Everybody got it?  Sound like a plan?

Lando: Wha-

Luke: Excellent.  Okay, then.  Gooooo rebellion!

(Luke exits)

(Long silence)

Leia: Oh my God.

Lando: Why do I have to work there for so long?  Did I miss that part?

R2D2:  Beep.  Whistle.

Leia: Oh my God.

 

**Author’s note: So, I fully accept that that the central gag here is pretty obscure.  For those who read this far and feel they did not receive a fair quantity of hilarity, allow me to apologize and offer this, the classic “chocolate factory” scene from I Love Lucy.  Enjoy!**

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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15 Comments on “Rescuing Han”

  1. S. Trevor Swenson Says:

    That was good. This is not the blog I was looking for….Go about my business

    Reply

  2. Gow Says:

    Ummmm . . . .pretty obscure? Really? I don’t think so. Well, at least I hope not. Very Giggleicious post.

    You might appreciate this if you don’t mind naughty words: (and if you do mind, feel free to delete this comment)

    Reply

    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      Well, Star Wars and Jedi aren’t obscure, of course, but you have to really remember the rescue from Jabba’s Palace part of Jedi to know what on Earth I’m talking about here.

      I can’t believe I’d never heard this! Thanks! I love Patton Oswalt’s routine about meeting George Lucas and hearing about the prequels. It’s called, I think, “Go Back in Time and Kill George Lucas With A Shovel.” I’ll look for it and post it as a comment on some random post of yours, so people think I’m a nutcase.

      Reply

      • Gow Says:

        Oh, I remember every moment of all three films. (Yes, there are only three. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!)

        You’re welcome. If you want to see the whole show, with visual as well as audio search YouTube for “Patton Oswalt 1997” It’s really brilliant. I know the bit you’re talking about and it was awesome. Sorry to foil your mad genius plan, but you’ll have to find another way to make people think you’re a nutcase. LOL. I’m just a lowly editor. I don’t post. (You know what they say… .those who can’t write, edit)

        Reply

  3. brainrants Says:

    Awesome. Star Wars humor… so little of it out there.

    Reply

  4. Wazeau Says:

    Love it! “Leia: Oh my God.” Wasn’t Darth Vadar her father too? You don’t see her making such a big drama out of it!

    Reply

  5. PCGuyIV Says:

    Absolutely awesome. Couldn’t stop laughing.
    Regarding the Skywalker men being drama queens/whiners, I think that is the only good that came out of episodes I, II, & III. We now know beyond any shadow of a doubt why Luke is such a whiny crybaby and why Leia has such an odd fashion sense.

    Reply

  6. gojulesgo Says:

    Ha!! This post brought me back to the first post I read of yours* (the result being instant follow, of course) – I wish I had my dog’s life! So it was like a twofer. And then you gave me the I Love Lucy clip. Threefer.

    Stop raising the bar so high. You’re making me look bad.

    *I hope I’m not making that part up. I’m 97.6% sure it was the first one.

    Reply

    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      I checked the archives, and I think the “I Wish I Had My Dog’s Life” was when you first tuned in. I’d up that percentage to 98.4.

      And thanks for the compliment. In all fairness, Lucille Ball helped a little with the I Love Lucy clip.

      Fun fact: Lucille Ball once called my grandfather a very bad name!

      Reply

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