My Favorite Google Searches

September 8, 2011

Humor

As anyone who composes a blog discovers, one of the little joys is seeing the Google searches that lead people to your site.  Sometimes it’s just kind of nice (“Wow, they looked specifically for me!”), sometimes it’s illuminating (“Wow, a lot of people want pictures of balloons”), sometimes it makes you shake your head (“Wow, a lot of people are perverts”).  Other times, they’re just kind of awesome.  So, in the grand tradition of sharing Google searches, here are a few of the favorite searches people have made, which led them to me.  For better or worse.

“Cat in lingerie”  Listen, um, to each his own, right?  I’m not judging.  I’m not.  But, um, yeah.  I don’t see good things on your social horizon.

“Ask dump question”  …get trashy answer.

The list of what you CAN do when you have smallpox, however, is surprisingly concise.

“What can’t you do when you have smallpox”  Well, first off, Center for Disease Control on line 1.  But what can’t you do when you have smallpox?  Play croquet.  Socialize.  Pursue a career in marine biology.  Live.  Play piano.  The list really kind of goes on and on.

“Fucked up horrible shit”  Multiple searches on this one.  Not sure what they were shooting for, but I can’t help but be a little hurt that Google led them to my site.  I have feelings, Google.  I have feelings.

 “Batgirl cameltoe” Have you met Lingerie Cat Guy?  Something tells me you’d hit it off.

 “well… that was a question that … uh … well, i um, guess i’ll… i’ll … can you maybe … uh … ask that again? this is a recreation of me trying to answer a really weird question asked to me by a nice (but possibly from mars) student in one of my ‘introduction to linguistics’ courses. it’s not that my speech production system failed to execute my speech plan; it’s that i never really had much of a plan when i started speaking. see the difference? filled pauses like ‘um’ and ‘uh’ and restarts are not errors in speech. the simplest explanation of these phenomena is that they are what you do when you need more time to figure out what you are going to say, or when you change your mind in the middle of an utterance”  This is your Google search?  You couldn’t tighten this up a skosh?  Regardless, I suppose, this is impressively specific.

“What does it mean to dream of someone standing over you with a bloody knife”   It may mean you’re not a big hit at children’s parties.  Multiple searches on this one, too.

“Contact mike score a flock of seagulls”  Okay, if you’re under a certain age this probably looks like an assortment of random words, but Mike Score was the singer/songwriter for the oft-maligned 80’s group A Flock of Seagulls.  I just included this one because I think it’s nice that someone is trying to contact him.  Go get ’em, Mike!

You should see me in lingerie. Me-ow, indeed!

“Siamese cat spaceship”   Being aliens would explain a lot about their demeanor.

“Why do nomads have good teeth”  I know, right?!  It’s like every nomad you see has these crazy beautiful, straight teeth!  There’s a nomad now and, yup, look at those gleaming chompers!  And, hey, what’s the deal with gypsies’ cuticles?

“Life is a spice of variety”  So true.  For, though windows are like souls with eyes, and you shouldn’t ride a horse who looks at gifts, it’s important to remember that when you drink lemonade, lemons are your life.

“Why corduroy?”  This is my favorite search.  I love it.  I just love it.

Because, really... why?

Photo credits:

  1. “Cemetary” by John Seb, Flickr
  2. “Siamese Cat – dscf0458” by Sean Drellinger, Flickr
  3. “Corduroy” by John Puetz, Flickr
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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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36 Comments on “My Favorite Google Searches”

  1. brainrants Says:

    My site got a hit from ‘wife likes black cock.’ Except there were spaces so none of the sensitive terms would be blocked. No idea. I’ve yet to write about black or cock, I have used the word ‘wife’ however. Seems like a thin connection.

    Reply

  2. PCGuyIV Says:

    This is exactly I don’t have site indexing enabled. I would like more readers, but I remember the kind of odd things that would ultimately lead people to my site with when it was on Blogger.

    Reply

    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      Most of them are great. Then there’s the occasional one that makes you feel like “What kind of blog does Google think I’m running here?” (See, for example, Brainrants comment)

      Reply

  3. becomingcliche Says:

    The best ones I have found are boring by comparison. “How to stop my son 2 and a 1/2 from hitting his brother.” I might need to search this one myself. And then there’s “I have decided to be happy because it is good for my health.” That one depressed me. I SHOULD decide to be happy for my health. Then there was “Brazilian wax.” That one has come up several times. I got nothin’.

    Reply

  4. gojulesgo Says:

    Umm…why NOT corduroy?

    Because if we really answered that, we’d stop getting to write hi-LARIOUS posts like this, that’s why!

    Seriously. I can never get enough. It’s a tough call, but your response to “Life is a spice of variety” is probably my fav. “I don’t see good things on your social horizon” really got me, too.

    Reply

  5. Aisiri Says:

    I got a hit on my site by the search ” Wife with bigdick ”
    I mean, what?
    I am just a teenager who blogs about pretty normal and lame stuff.. and its not a porn site 😦
    Pretty darn amazed that google led them to me..

    Reply

    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      Kind of gives you a creepy feeling, thinking about, if a “hey, my daily life is crazy” type blog can get a search like that, what the sheer number of searches like that must be that are getting to their intended destination.

      The Internet is pretty awesome, but sometimes it’s a little bigger window into humanity than is comfortable.

      Reply

  6. Blogdramedy Says:

    One day I did a Google search for charming, witty, erudite men with little or no chest hair and that’s how I found you.

    Are you implying by this post that Google is perhaps not being entirely truthful?

    Reply

  7. She's a Maineiac Says:

    I love reading these, always good for a laugh. And your responses are hilarious.

    A few of my favorites (I have too many to post here and most are pretty disturbing) are

    “why my son stops in the middle of something and freezes and thinks”

    “am 37 yrs now but when i was 15 to 18 i discover i had a noise that sounds like refrigerator inside my ear till now ,any solution.”

    I feel terrible that neither of these pressing problems were solved by reading my blog.

    Reply

    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      That’s weird that the second guy didn’t think to just search for “ringing in ears.” I always like the specificity of people’s searches – like “am 37 now” – as though Google were a consultant rather than an algorithm. It’s kind of sweet, in a way.

      Reply

  8. A Broad at Home Says:

    I especially like your response to the spice of life, as I too enjoy good metaphysical dialogue.

    I’ve been thinking of crafting up a similar post as this for my own blog as I recently received a hit for the search: “catheter bag designs.”

    I had no clue that you could design your own catheter bag. Kind of puts that whole “Stadium Pal” trend to shame, no?

    Reply

  9. Nicole Says:

    I get at least a few hits on “mormon bachelorette party” every month.

    Reply

    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      I can see that. “We should throw Stephanie a bachelorette party!” “Yeah! Let’s get crazy! Booze! Strippers! Chocolate–” “She’s Mormon, you know.” “Oh… hm… better consult the internet…”

      Reply

  10. Emily Blackburn Says:

    “What can’t you do when you have smallpox” is pretty hilarious. Who on earth is searching for that?

    I learned the other day that people have found my blog by using the search terms ‘ukranian sluts’ and ‘chubby girls.’ I am not a Ukrainian slut and I didn’t really want to be known on the internet as a chubby girl, haha 😦

    Reply

  11. Maria Says:

    Just tried the “Why corduroy?” and that is just too much fun! Thnx

    Reply

  12. Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

    “What does it mean to dream of someone standing over you with a bloody knife”
    It means you read someone’s blog entry about weird search terms leading to their site and cursed when you knew you were gonna dream it, too. And then did.

    Recursiveness FTW!

    That long search is . . . impressive. And Batgirl cameltoe? I bet I know the guys who were searching for that. *cough*

    Reply

  13. Meet the Buttrams Says:

    Someone once found my blog with this: “help+i+think+i’m+a+mermaid+and+i+need+to+know+what+the+side+effects+are”

    It pretty much made my week.

    Reply

  14. Lafemmeroar Says:

    Hilarious post! The most common Google search for my blog is “how to repel a man.” Now, I tried this Google search on my own and didn’t find my blog even though I went as deep as page 24. I think there is a universal force leading that energy my way … no wonder I’m still single.

    Reply

  15. pithypants Says:

    You’re lucky. Top searches tracking to my blog (after the name of my blog) are: Wow Chips Anal Leakage, Cross-Eyed Flower Girl, and Cow Vagina.

    I’m nothing, if not versatile.

    Reply

    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      You know what a great game would be? Collect searches of blogs for people you know, then try to guess whose blog it is. Of course, it could result in a lot of tears, couldn’t it? “Cross-eyed? Cow vagina? Anal Leakage? Boom – Pithy Pants. Obvious.”

      Reply

  16. Erynn Elizabeth Says:

    I wonder if they wanted to know why it was called corduroy; or, the much grander question, that I have oft wondered myself- why does corduroy exist?
    Incidentally, I happen to be wearing a close relative of corduroy as I type this: tweed.
    Why?
    Because it was $10 at Value Village. Victory!

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. A Very Byronic Anniversary | The Byronic Man - November 22, 2011

    […] things people search for on Google are incredible.  Reading the Google searches that led people to your site is like a window into the unconscious. And the unconscious needs serious help both psychologically, […]

  2. Low-ku: the Sequel | snobbery - February 13, 2012

    […] Search Term:  Contact Mike Score Flock of Seagulls (from the always funny Byronic Man) […]

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