As anyone who composes a blog discovers, one of the little joys is seeing the Google searches that lead people to your site. Sometimes it’s just kind of nice (“Wow, they looked specifically for me!”), sometimes it’s illuminating (“Wow, a lot of people want pictures of balloons”), sometimes it makes you shake your head (“Wow, a lot of people are perverts”). Other times, they’re just kind of awesome. So, in the grand tradition of sharing Google searches, here are a few of the favorite searches people have made, which led them to me. For better or worse.
“Cat in lingerie” Listen, um, to each his own, right? I’m not judging. I’m not. But, um, yeah. I don’t see good things on your social horizon.
“Ask dump question” …get trashy answer.
The list of what you CAN do when you have smallpox, however, is surprisingly concise.
“What can’t you do when you have smallpox” Well, first off, Center for Disease Control on line 1. But what can’t you do when you have smallpox? Play croquet. Socialize. Pursue a career in marine biology. Live. Play piano. The list really kind of goes on and on.
“Fucked up horrible shit” Multiple searches on this one. Not sure what they were shooting for, but I can’t help but be a little hurt that Google led them to my site. I have feelings, Google. I have feelings.
“Batgirl cameltoe” Have you met Lingerie Cat Guy? Something tells me you’d hit it off.
“well… that was a question that … uh … well, i um, guess i’ll… i’ll … can you maybe … uh … ask that again? this is a recreation of me trying to answer a really weird question asked to me by a nice (but possibly from mars) student in one of my ‘introduction to linguistics’ courses. it’s not that my speech production system failed to execute my speech plan; it’s that i never really had much of a plan when i started speaking. see the difference? filled pauses like ‘um’ and ‘uh’ and restarts are not errors in speech. the simplest explanation of these phenomena is that they are what you do when you need more time to figure out what you are going to say, or when you change your mind in the middle of an utterance” This is your Google search? You couldn’t tighten this up a skosh? Regardless, I suppose, this is impressively specific.
“What does it mean to dream of someone standing over you with a bloody knife” It may mean you’re not a big hit at children’s parties. Multiple searches on this one, too.
“Contact mike score a flock of seagulls” Okay, if you’re under a certain age this probably looks like an assortment of random words, but Mike Score was the singer/songwriter for the oft-maligned 80’s group A Flock of Seagulls. I just included this one because I think it’s nice that someone is trying to contact him. Go get ’em, Mike!
You should see me in lingerie. Me-ow, indeed!
“Siamese cat spaceship” Being aliens would explain a lot about their demeanor.
“Why do nomads have good teeth” I know, right?! It’s like every nomad you see has these crazy beautiful, straight teeth! There’s a nomad now and, yup, look at those gleaming chompers! And, hey, what’s the deal with gypsies’ cuticles?
“Life is a spice of variety” So true. For, though windows are like souls with eyes, and you shouldn’t ride a horse who looks at gifts, it’s important to remember that when you drink lemonade, lemons are your life.
“Why corduroy?” This is my favorite search. I love it. I just love it.
Because, really... why?
Photo credits:
- “Cemetary” by John Seb, Flickr
- “Siamese Cat – dscf0458” by Sean Drellinger, Flickr
- “Corduroy” by John Puetz, Flickr
The Byronic Man 
September 8, 2011 at 3:46 pm
I did a small post of my own on this very subject last week!
http://heellisgoa.com/2011/09/04/fuck-everything-and-become-a-pirate/
September 8, 2011 at 5:47 pm
My site got a hit from ‘wife likes black cock.’ Except there were spaces so none of the sensitive terms would be blocked. No idea. I’ve yet to write about black or cock, I have used the word ‘wife’ however. Seems like a thin connection.
September 8, 2011 at 7:18 pm
Makes you want to comb through your entries doesn’t it? What the–? Did I write about chickens? Why would this search lead here?
October 18, 2011 at 4:06 pm
Shiver me timbers, them’s some great ifnromtiaon.
September 8, 2011 at 6:00 pm
This is exactly I don’t have site indexing enabled. I would like more readers, but I remember the kind of odd things that would ultimately lead people to my site with when it was on Blogger.
September 8, 2011 at 7:03 pm
Most of them are great. Then there’s the occasional one that makes you feel like “What kind of blog does Google think I’m running here?” (See, for example, Brainrants comment)
September 8, 2011 at 6:04 pm
The best ones I have found are boring by comparison. “How to stop my son 2 and a 1/2 from hitting his brother.” I might need to search this one myself. And then there’s “I have decided to be happy because it is good for my health.” That one depressed me. I SHOULD decide to be happy for my health. Then there was “Brazilian wax.” That one has come up several times. I got nothin’.
September 8, 2011 at 7:00 pm
I can’t figure out what the search is on that “I’ve decided to be happy” one. Did they just want to let Google know?
September 8, 2011 at 6:30 pm
Umm…why NOT corduroy?
Because if we really answered that, we’d stop getting to write hi-LARIOUS posts like this, that’s why!
Seriously. I can never get enough. It’s a tough call, but your response to “Life is a spice of variety” is probably my fav. “I don’t see good things on your social horizon” really got me, too.
September 8, 2011 at 7:19 pm
Garsh, ma’am. Thank you kindly. That’s very nice of you.
The bizarro Google searches are like a nice little bonus gift, though, aren’t they?
September 8, 2011 at 10:15 pm
I got a hit on my site by the search ” Wife with bigdick ”
I mean, what?
I am just a teenager who blogs about pretty normal and lame stuff.. and its not a porn site 😦
Pretty darn amazed that google led them to me..
September 9, 2011 at 5:29 am
Kind of gives you a creepy feeling, thinking about, if a “hey, my daily life is crazy” type blog can get a search like that, what the sheer number of searches like that must be that are getting to their intended destination.
The Internet is pretty awesome, but sometimes it’s a little bigger window into humanity than is comfortable.
September 8, 2011 at 11:45 pm
One day I did a Google search for charming, witty, erudite men with little or no chest hair and that’s how I found you.
Are you implying by this post that Google is perhaps not being entirely truthful?
September 9, 2011 at 5:25 am
Well, it is a pretty sophisticated search engine, I’ll grant you.
September 9, 2011 at 3:09 am
I love reading these, always good for a laugh. And your responses are hilarious.
A few of my favorites (I have too many to post here and most are pretty disturbing) are
“why my son stops in the middle of something and freezes and thinks”
“am 37 yrs now but when i was 15 to 18 i discover i had a noise that sounds like refrigerator inside my ear till now ,any solution.”
I feel terrible that neither of these pressing problems were solved by reading my blog.
September 9, 2011 at 5:31 am
That’s weird that the second guy didn’t think to just search for “ringing in ears.” I always like the specificity of people’s searches – like “am 37 now” – as though Google were a consultant rather than an algorithm. It’s kind of sweet, in a way.
September 9, 2011 at 12:44 pm
I especially like your response to the spice of life, as I too enjoy good metaphysical dialogue.
I’ve been thinking of crafting up a similar post as this for my own blog as I recently received a hit for the search: “catheter bag designs.”
I had no clue that you could design your own catheter bag. Kind of puts that whole “Stadium Pal” trend to shame, no?
September 10, 2011 at 3:38 pm
Designer catheter bags. That’s a fashion show I’d take a big pass on.
September 10, 2011 at 2:37 pm
I get at least a few hits on “mormon bachelorette party” every month.
September 10, 2011 at 3:49 pm
I can see that. “We should throw Stephanie a bachelorette party!” “Yeah! Let’s get crazy! Booze! Strippers! Chocolate–” “She’s Mormon, you know.” “Oh… hm… better consult the internet…”
September 10, 2011 at 2:54 pm
“What can’t you do when you have smallpox” is pretty hilarious. Who on earth is searching for that?
I learned the other day that people have found my blog by using the search terms ‘ukranian sluts’ and ‘chubby girls.’ I am not a Ukrainian slut and I didn’t really want to be known on the internet as a chubby girl, haha 😦
September 11, 2011 at 5:57 am
Don’t worry – I think the internet is just jealous, talking smack about you. Remember, any search engine who calls you names isn’t really your friend.
September 11, 2011 at 1:59 pm
Just tried the “Why corduroy?” and that is just too much fun! Thnx
September 11, 2011 at 4:09 pm
“What does it mean to dream of someone standing over you with a bloody knife”
It means you read someone’s blog entry about weird search terms leading to their site and cursed when you knew you were gonna dream it, too. And then did.
Recursiveness FTW!
That long search is . . . impressive. And Batgirl cameltoe? I bet I know the guys who were searching for that. *cough*
September 12, 2011 at 12:39 pm
The awful part is that I know exactly what entry the “batgirl cameltoe” search led them to. The two words weren’t interconnected, but still…
Sorry about the dream. New google search for you: “What does it mean to dream of flying to a magical land where you have ice cream with happy dragons?”
September 12, 2011 at 12:49 pm
YES! Win! 😀
September 12, 2011 at 7:48 pm
Someone once found my blog with this: “help+i+think+i’m+a+mermaid+and+i+need+to+know+what+the+side+effects+are”
It pretty much made my week.
September 13, 2011 at 10:50 am
There should be an “I would like to meet this person” button on google searches that come in.
September 13, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Hilarious post! The most common Google search for my blog is “how to repel a man.” Now, I tried this Google search on my own and didn’t find my blog even though I went as deep as page 24. I think there is a universal force leading that energy my way … no wonder I’m still single.
September 13, 2011 at 6:45 pm
You’re lucky. Top searches tracking to my blog (after the name of my blog) are: Wow Chips Anal Leakage, Cross-Eyed Flower Girl, and Cow Vagina.
I’m nothing, if not versatile.
September 14, 2011 at 5:31 am
You know what a great game would be? Collect searches of blogs for people you know, then try to guess whose blog it is. Of course, it could result in a lot of tears, couldn’t it? “Cross-eyed? Cow vagina? Anal Leakage? Boom – Pithy Pants. Obvious.”
September 29, 2011 at 12:27 pm
I wonder if they wanted to know why it was called corduroy; or, the much grander question, that I have oft wondered myself- why does corduroy exist?
Incidentally, I happen to be wearing a close relative of corduroy as I type this: tweed.
Why?
Because it was $10 at Value Village. Victory!
September 29, 2011 at 3:07 pm
I like to think it was “Why does it exist?” but in the simpler, existential “Why? Just… why?”
October 13, 2011 at 2:09 pm
I feel that way about reality TV.