There Are Times I Wish I Had My Dog’s Life (pt. 2 of 2)

July 16, 2011


*When we last left Byron, he was alone at home. M had gone to work, and he was unsure she’d ever return, or if he’d have to spend his days sleeping, staring out the window, and guarding against the postal carrier.*


(Byron is on the couch.  Again he leaps up, but this time M is walking toward the door, exhausted from working)

Byron: YAY!!!  I can’t believe it!  I really… I really thought that was it.  You were never coming back.

M: I always come back.  At the same time.

It's a gift! But, um, can I have it back? It looks pretty good.

Byron: Whew. Man.  This is awesome.  (Byron sprints from the room, returning a moment later with part of a sandwich)  Look, I brought you part of my sandwich!

M: Um…

Byron: Hey, you want to go throw the frisbee around?

M: I haven’t even set my stuff down, can I just–?

Byron: Right, sure, but, really – wouldn’t throwing the frisbee around be fun?  Like really, really, really, really fun?  Because sometimes we throw the frisbee around when you get home.  And it’s super fun.  Yeah, we should do that.

M:  Well, maybe.  Give me a few minutes, okay?

(Byron goes back to the couch.  A moment later the shower starts up.  Byron hurls himself behind the couch)

M: What was that?!  Byron?  Byron?  Where are you? (No answer.  She looks behind the couch) What are you doing back there?

(Byron pretends not to see or hear her)

M: I can see you.  I’m looking right at you. What are you doing?

Nothing to see here. I mean, you wouldn't make an empty sofa take a bath, would you? Of course not! That'd be insane!

Byron: Hm?  Me?  Nothing.  Reading.

M: You don’t have to take a shower.  I’m just going to.

Byron: (Forces a laugh). Yeah, you know.  Whatever.

M: So you can come out.

Byron: I’m good.

(M leaves to take her shower.  He waits, watching cautiously.  Moments later, Byron falls asleep)


(BYRON is still behind the couch.  M enters.  She has changed clothes into something casual)

M: Hey, you want to take a little walk before dinner?

Byron:  (Scrambling over the couch) Fuck. Yes.  That is such a great idea.  Oh my God, I totally want to go on a walk with you!  Oh, man, this is the best part of the day!

(Byron runs to the front door, then waits for M as she ties her shoes.  As soon as M’s opened the door a crack, he shoves his face in to the opening, trying to get outside as soon as humanly possible)

M: Just, hang on –

(It’s too late.  Byron’s shoved the door open and lunged outside, cheering)

Byron: Yaaaaaaaay!


(Byron and M are walking along, side by side)

M: When we get back I need to run to the store.

Byron: (horrified) What?

M: We just need a couple things.  You can come if you want, I guess.

Oh my God, I just hate him SO MUCH.

Byron: Score.  Don’t you just love our neighborhood?  I love our neighborhood.  Wow!  Look at those flowers!  Man, it feels good taking a walk.  I thought it was great lying on the couch but this is so great!  Our neighborhood is just so interesting and – (something catches his eye) God damn neighbor’s cat!

(Byron sprints away)


(BYRON and M are standing by the car)

M: Okay, I’ll be back in a minute.  You’ll wait here?

Byron: Wait with the car?  Hell, yes!  I’m good at this.  I can sit in the driver’s seat while you’re gone, if you want – since I’ll be in charge.

M: Uh, if you’d like.

(M leaves.  Byron stands by car for a minute, until a shopper walks by with a bag of groceries)

Byron: Oh, no you don’t!  This is our car!  Stay away from our car!  Don’t you try to steal this car!  (Byron calms down as the shopper walks away.  Soon, however, another shopper walks by)  Get away from our car!  Don’t hurt this car, this is our car!  Don’t try to take it!  Do you see how tough I am?  Stay away from this…  (Byron stops as she leaves)


(The two of them are at the table eating dinner.  M is eating like a civilized person.  Byron is shoving food in again.  She doesn’t seem to notice)

(Seconds later, when he’s done licking his plate clean, Byron looks over at M.  He stares at her as she eats.  And stares.  And stares, leaning forward, staring ever more intently.  Finally M stops and looks at him)

M: Yes?

Byron: Are you going to finish that?

M: Yes.

Byron: Okay.  Fine.  That’s cool.  Just asking.

(M continues eating, and he continues staring, continuing to lean forward until his face is almost over her plate.  M sighs)

M: One bite.

Byron: That’s all I want.

(M hands him a little bit of food, which he inhales)

Byron: Ahhhh.  Thank you!  (He continues staring)


(M is sitting on the couch, watching TV.  Byron is draped across the couch, his head in her lap, and she is stroking his hair.  He is barely awake)

Byron: (mumbling) Best part of the day…


                                         *Coming Soon: “Other Times I Wish I Had My Cat’s Life”*


Photo credits:

  1. Massdistraction, “Over Half Eaten” Flickr
  2. RahelSharon, “Torbie on a Fence,” Flickr
  3. JMcPherskesen, “Brand New Couch” Flickr

About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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12 Comments on “There Are Times I Wish I Had My Dog’s Life (pt. 2 of 2)”

  1. gojulesgo Says:

    What a pleasant way to start the day – I love this! Just as funny, if not funnier, than Part 1!


  2. keepmymemory Says:

    Hahahaha this is absolutely great! It reminds me of “Excerpts from a Dog’s life”!


  3. Blogdramedy Says:

    You “sprint” a lot. And there were no chew toys in this story. I like the squeaky ones.


    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      Got places to be – anywhere worth going is worth sprinting to. And I accept that there’s a shameful lack of chewies here, but it’s tough to think of a human equivalent.


  4. mydatingprescription Says:

    Frisbee!!!! I love your writing. Great job on this.


  5. Anonymous Betty Says:

    Loved reading parts I and II … I have two dogs and one cat so I’m actually looking forward to reading the cat version also … funny stuff!!



  1. There Are Times I Wish I Had My Dog’s Life (pt. 1 of 2) | The Byronic Man - July 22, 2011

    […] epic saga continues here, with part […]

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