“Slightly Less Appalling!” The Critics Rave

I went to the movies last night and when I exited – this is about 11:00 pm – the lobby of the theater was filled with people. People lining up, people getting snacks, people milling. The parking lot was a flurry of activity. And why? I finally backtracked and looked at the head of the line: “Line starts here for the midnight showing of Transformers 3.”

No, no. Wrong kind of "lines for transformers." But I understand the confusion.

This means that not only are people going to see this movie, not only are there people who want to go to the first showing, not only are there people who will go to a midnight showing… there are people who will line up for an hour to see the midnight screening. It will probably not be a huge shock that the overwhelming majority of people there were adolescent males, though it was a little shocking that not every single person was.

Okay, fine. Enjoy. I’ll put on my black turtleneck and go watch Le Samourai again and contemplate the sublime pointlessness of honor in a meaningless world while everyone else has a big old time shouting, “YYYEEAAAHHH!! That living robot car beat the SHIT out of that other living robot car!” and won’t I just feel so superior. That’s not, actually, why I bring it up. I bring it up for another reason.

No, not to reiterate that Michael Bay is evil.

Even though he is.

I actually bring it up because of the general tone of the reviews of the film, today.

And, okay, let’s just get this out there: Yes, I am the kind of person who goes out of his way to look at reviews for movies I know will be terrible and have no interest in seeing. I’d tell you it’s because sometimes you find hidden gems that way, but we’d all know that’s about 5% of it. About 60% is because the reviews are often funny, and about 35% is so I can go “YYYEEAAAHHH!! That critic panned the SHIT out of that terrible looking movie!” (Then I put my turtleneck back on and go watch The Bicycle Thief)

Every bit as exciting as Transformers. Every bit. Will he find his bicycle?! You don't know!

The reviews I looked at, and I quickly looked at a few figuring the first one I read was an anomaly, generally said this: That this is the best of the Transformers movies, and one said it was possibly the best movie Michael Bay has made. What’s got my monocle popping out is why. The reviews said that it’s still virtually plotless, in any tangible way, it’s still grotesquely

Drink! Steve. Drink, Steve. Steve? Uh oh.

misogynistic (you could make a drinking game in which every time you see cleavage in a Michael Bay movie you take a shot, but I wouldn’t recommend it because of the certain death), it’s still bafflingly moronic, the dialogue is trite and pathetic… but, this film doesn’t have any overt racism in it, and while the majority of the fight scenes are protracted and incomprehensible, several of them can actually be followed (but are still protracted).

This is how low the bar is? “I loved this movie! It wasn’t racist and at a few points I could follow the action!” This is what earns Bay kudos? I can see giving a film like the original Pirates of the Caribbean praise because they took a goofy summer movie and gave it a little plot, a little characterization, and little dialogue. In other words, they took that standard formula and then figured, hey, we could also make it pretty good. It isn’t that it had to have metaphor or anything, but it didn’t treat its audience like morons, and it just made it the best version of itself it could be.

So it isn’t that I’m actually against silly summer movies; I’m not saying that a Transformers movie should be the robot cars contemplating their inevitable extinction as fossil fuels run out, or an allegory for slavery as they rail against being worked to death for human’s selfish pleasures. However, it’s one thing when the state of commercial entertainment has reached a point where we’re making movies about sentient robot cars without a trace of satire, but when the response is to commend the film for being about 20% less stupid and offensive – to give the film decent marks for this – that’s just really kind of sad. It’s like admitting defeat.

Now, where’d that monocle pop out to? I need to patch my turtleneck.

For what it's worth, Le Samourai really is pretty awesome.