Come on, Canada. You can talk to us. Just Tell Us What You’re Feeling.

June 18, 2011


Hi, Canada, come on in.  Yes, I know, I’m not dressed for the water park… we’re… we’re not going to the water park.  Have a seat.  No, no, don’t leave, no one’s judging anyone here.  You can’t really believe that we’re in a position to judge anyone’s behavior.  I just… I’m, that is we’re worried about your behavior lately, and – to be honest – I can’t help but wonder if we might bear some responsibility.  Maybe not, maybe not – but if nothing else, Canada, we’ve been there. We know where this goes.

No, I do NOT yield the floor!

You really don’t know what behavior I’m referring to?  *sigh*  Okay.  Well, of course, there was a couple months ago with the elections.  You know what I’m talking about.  Ryan Leef, the former cage fighter you elected to… parliament, was it? Yes, yes, I know, he’s not a cage fighter anymore, he works at a prison – as deputy superintendent, I realize that, I’m not trying to make it sound worse than it is – I just want you to see how we see it.

Then, of course there’s Ruth Ellen Brousseau.  The bartender at the university pub.  The bartender who’s never even been to the district she’s representing.  Who went to Vegas during the campaign. Who – despite being in Quebec – can’t give any press conferences because her French still “needs work.”

What was it? What was it about her that voters might have been drawn to? Hmmmm...

This is going to sounds really US-centric, but come on.  I know we tease you a lot – oh, you’re so polite, you talk cute, all that stuff – and it’s got to be rough living next to such a loud, brash neighbor, one who always demands everyone’s attention – but this isn’t the way to get attention, Canada.  You don’t have to prove anything.  We elect incompetent leaders and people give millions of dollars to Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann, so suddenly it’s like you need to show everyone you can make terrible, nonsensical election decisions?  That, hey, you can value flash over substance as well as anyone?

Then there have been several trade discussions lately where you’ve been really pushy and demanding, aggressive, even.  Sound like anyone you know?

But, of course, I think you know why we’re really needing to talk.  Do you want to tell me why I’ve decided we need to talk?  That’s right.  The riots.

Seriously, Canada? Seriously?

Yes, lots of places have sports riots, and yes, Vancouver even did this very thing in 1994 after losing the Stanley Cup.  The point remains.  This isn’t you.  It really isn’t.  You’re, well, you’re kind of embarrassing yourself.  We tease you about Mounties and Dudley Do-Right and that, but everyone knows Canadians are tough.  Don’t you see that we’re, in some ways, envious?  That we admire you?  Because of, I don’t know, that you have all those guns but don’t go around shooting each other like we do, to name one thing.  What else?  Lots of things.  Bob & Doug McKenzie.  That gondola from the top of Whistler Mountain across to the top of Blackcombe.  I don’t know, I don’t have time to list everything.  That’s not the point, anyway.

Remember this? When you beat the atomic martians? Take pride in that!

Is it that you think people will only respect you if you’re loud and stupid and violent?  We like you for who you are, and anyone who doesn’t, isn’t really your ally.   Plus, you’ve got all that timber, and oil, and fresh water up there – pretty soon people are going to be crawling to you.  You don’t have to act like someone else.  Or is that why you’re acting this way?  Getting heady with your incoming power?  Oh, Canada, I hope that’s not it.

I’m not saying you’re trying to act like us, but in many ways you’ve been acting like some of the worst parts of us, and I just don’t want to see that happen to such a nice country.

Okay.  There, there.  Grab yourself a Molson’s, or whatever, while I go change.  Then, what do you say you and I go find us a water park, okay?   Okay.

See? Isn't this more fun than rioting, bullying and making absurd election decisions?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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8 Comments on “Come on, Canada. You can talk to us. Just Tell Us What You’re Feeling.”

  1. Blogdramedy Says:

    Well said…and with humor, too. It will take a while for Vancouver to get over this. I”m glad I don’t have a ten-year-old in hockey asking me “why.”


    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      The quotes from people in Vancouver (Vancouverians? Vancouverites?), and their tremendous embarrassment and sense of shame are really sad to read. The salt in the wound, of course, being that it wasn’t the racist, corrupt legal system in LA or a fight again globalization… it was a hockey game.

      Of course, there’s that cool “riot kiss” photo… but that’s not much of a silver lining.


  2. Maria Says:

    Terrific! After the water park be sure to get them some Poutine. It’s good stuff. Seriously.

    Thanks for the laugh – love your work.


  3. Margie Says:

    Canada checking in – here is what I think about the Vancouver Riots:

    Seriously, we are not trying to be like Americans. 2011 just hasn’t turned out to be a very good year so far, that’s all…


  4. Evan Says:

    The true voice of Canada is generally outspoken by a few demographics full of brigands and green-haters. How, in a democracy, is this able to occur? A severely degraded political system, I say (sound familiar, US?).

    BTW. We don’t have as much water as you think. I WILL NOT deny that we have larger amounts than most countries, but the degree of difference is much lower than common beliefs. You have to consider the location and the timing of the withdrawals, and the location and the timing of the availability of water resources. Do some research, it’s actually quite interesting.


    • Byron MacLymont Says:

      Oh, sure, I see what you’re up to. Trying to convince everyone you don’t have all the water. Like not actually having what we’re looking for ever stopped the US from military conquest…

      I’ll have to look into that more, though. Does sound kind of interesting.


      • Evan Says:

        It is easy to speculate that Canada is hoarding most of the world’s fresh water supply – if you look at an Atlas one of the first things you’ll see is our Great Lakes spread out luxuriously across the southern border of Ontario. And in fact our land holds 20% of the world’s fresh water supply, but you can’t just stick your straw in and drink. When considering that a lot of it is trapped in glaciers and inaccessible aquifers, we only have about 7% of the world’s renewable water supply.

        Another thing to consider is that more than half of this water flows northward to empty into the Atlantic Ocean or Hudson Bay, meaning it is unavailable to the majority of Canada’s residents who live along the Southern border. Again, the amount of water remaining after all these considerations is still abundant, but it is heavily used and stressed with the pollution of society. I’ll blame our greedy consumption habits and lack of environmental stewardship on the U.S.

        There, I did the research for you. Now I’m going to grab a beer, eh?


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