Well, well, well. You’re feeling pret-ty smug, aren’t you? I’ll be honest – so was I. “Rapture,” I said. “Feh. Wrong again! What a kook!” I was actually looking forward to hearing how Harold Camping, the religious bookmaker who predicted the end this last Saturday, would explain the failure to rapt. I had pretty even money across:
- Forgot to carry the 4 in my numerological calculation.
- The mistake was on Jesus’ end, not mine.
- Ah, I was obviously just fuckin’ with you.
But I would have lost that money because Camping revealed yesterday that what went wrong was… nothing! Not a thing. The rapture did in fact, happen.
I know. Didn’t see that coming, did you.
Apparently it was, Camping explains, an “invisible” rapture – an internal, spiritual one. Jesus is in stealth mode and judgment happened, and the righteous souls didn’t go anywhere, physically, but now they’re locked in. And the damned are officially damned, and have 5 months to repent, or be tortured, or something, but the torment is very subtle. “My coffee has a slightly burnt aftertaste AGAIN” type stuff. Meanwhile the saved, I don’t know, I guess can shoplift and kidney punch people for a few months.
The END end, like for realsies, is October 21 of this year when the world will be wiped out “quick”. Pressure’s really on this time for Camping. I mean, blowing the theory on the end of the world once? Sure, who hasn’t done that. Twice, hm, ouch. But three times? He risks looking somewhat foolish. A bit of proverbial egg on his face, if you will.
So in my effort to help out the poor guy, here’s a little press release for him to read on October 22 should his prediction not come true:
“Ladies and gentlemen, it would be so easy to jump to conclusions right now. To get sanctimonious about the fact that we appear to still be here. But there are a few things to understand. First of all, I think we threw God off with the whole time-zone, clock-change thing. When this simple code was hidden in the Bible there weren’t time zones or anything, and I think that gummed up the works. Since the end was to occur at 6:00pm, well, that would just look silly, wouldn’t it? Fire and horror starting in clumps, stopping right where the time zones change. So you’ve got that right there.
“Second, there’s friction. And entropy. If you follow me.
“But thirdly, and most importantly, I think we have to factor in the fact that the world did end, and we’re all trapped in the afterlife. I said the world would be destroyed very quickly; well, it was so fast we didn’t even realize that it had happened! True story! You’ve all seen The Matrix, right? Sure, who hasn’t? Instead of me being wrong, instead of corpses and physical bodies NOT levitating in the air and Jesus, prince of peace, NOT appearing on Earth with a sword and horse and casting pain and agony throughout the globe, isn’t it really more likely that we all got blipped into little tube things, and our souls are just plugged in to a giant ‘Earth Matrix’?
“So the damned languish in their goo-tubes, believing themselves still in this realm, not knowing they are surrounded by the flying-zombie-saved, and violent Jesus. The saved, meanwhile, relax in their spa tubes, while their earthly forms can now do gravity-defying kung fu, wear cool, black clothes, run up walls, and – in a few cases – fly. And I get to be Morpheus. I’m just calling dibs.
“And when will God “pull back the curtain” so to speak, and reveal the totally real, not-kidding-around-this-time reality of our rapture/destruction? Oh… I’m going to say September-ish. Let’s go with the seventeenth.