Operation: Dessert Storm

April 26, 2011


It will be a great day when schools have all the funding they need, and the military has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber. – popular bumper sticker.

Excuse me, sir?  Sir?  Would you be interested in some shortbread?  Lemon bar?  The lemon bars are fresh, sir; why, private Doorn here got them out of the oven and sprinkled the sugar not 30 minutes ago.  It’s for a good cause.  Sir?

Thank you anyway, sir.  Maybe next time.

Corporal Jackson!  Front and center! What in the hell, I mean what in the holy living hell did you do to this apple pie!?  For God’s sake, son, it’s the all-American dessert!  The Belgians are pounding Twin Falls, Idaho, and you’re giving me apple pie with no crust on top?!  No cross-hatching?!  This is not how to win a war, damn it!  Son, you better get your head in this bake sale, or they’re going to be eating waffles and chocolates in Boise this time next week!  Dismissed!

This, corporal, is how the job gets done.

Good afternoon!  Ma’am?  How about you? Got a couple of little ones with you, I see.  Couple of fudge bars?  Or I’d recommend General Rahmsdorf’s 4-star cinnamon buns.  They’re a battalion of yumminess, ma’am.  Yes, ma’am it’s a fundraiser.  Yes, to stop the Belgian army.  No ma’am, tell you the truth we never gave them much thought until they started their slow march into the US.  No, no they don’t appear to have a strategy, they just sort of seem to be wandering from town to town, which is why, boy, I won’t lie to you, ma’am, we sure could use that bomber.  We lost Bozeman yesterday and… no, ma’am, I’m not sure why Bozeman.  Yes, ma’am it is lovely, but strategically…  the point is, the sooner we can raise these funds…Thank you, ma’am.  That’ll be $5.97.  God bless America.  Here’s your change.  Oh, thank you, that’s very kind.

And that’s how you sell 3 cinnamon buns.  Boom.

Corporal Jackson, add this to the total.  Don’t give me that face.  All right, look men, I know things seem bleak.  But we add this 6 dollars to our total today and we’ve made 84 dollars and 25 cents.  You add that to our total from last week and we just need to raise… um… carry the 2… 970, 842, 300 dollars.


Okay, that’s a lot, I’ll admit.  But negative thinking isn’t going to get it done.  Guts.  Determination.  Frosting.  Big smiles.  That’s going to win this thing.

Oh, hello, young man, what’s your name?  Well, hi Jimmy.  Maybe an after-school treat?  Coconut bunker-buster?  Well, yes, I suppose it does have a lot of complex-carbohydrates. Uh, I don’t know the sugar content either, Jimmy; I think they’re low fat, though!  Oh, really?  Coconut?  Didn’t know that.  Why yes, I suppose it might be trans fats.  Where’d you learn so much about diet at your age?  Oh, right.  Well, balanced diet and nutrition certainly is important, we know that, right men?  Yes, that’s true Jimmy, any amount of trans fat is bad.  You know, no one likes a know-it-all Jimmy.  Just something to think about.  Okay, maybe next time.  Maybe they’ll teach you how to lighten up a little in that school of yours.  Ha ha.  Just teasing you there, Jimmy.


Ah, good afternoon, sir.  Sir?

About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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8 Comments on “Operation: Dessert Storm”

  1. Walter Says:

    Lord Byron thou art a genius.


  2. T Trudeau Says:

    Oh so good!!


  3. Margie Says:

    I believe the Belgians may just be looking for waffles…


  4. truthspew Says:

    That was brilliant! I’m sharing this one on FB too.


  5. acleansurface Says:

    I will be sharing this with my veteran husband.


  6. Jessie Alley Says:

    This is fantastic!


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