Wow, all these superhero movies. They’re everywhere aren’t they? And they just keep being wildly popular. But these superhero movies… they’re lacking something… a certain je ne sais quoi… well, actually, I do sais quoi: they’re lacking me! Yes, the time has come for a Byronic Man superhero movie. And not just because the name […]

Today marks the 35-year anniversary of the eruption of Mt. St. Helens, in southern Washington State.  What follows is a chronology of some of the more note-worthy moments: July 9, 38,000 BC – Mount St. Helens forms, beginning a devious plot to erupt and destroy the area towns. August 15, 1979 – As per the […]

I’ve decided that the courts need to not only allow, but perhaps even mandate, brains to marry one another. Why? Because of smoke alarm batteries. That isn’t clear? Oh. Let me explain. The other night, right about 3am, a battery in one of our smoke alarms went out. So, of course, it began its beeping, […]

For the school where I work, this past weekend was prom – that magical night when a girl’s dreams come true.  Assuming her dreams involve trying to walk in 5-inch heels, not eating your expensive dinner because the dress is too tight, and then listening to deafening music with a guy who thinks he’s the […]

May my children have the strength to forgive those who treat them poorly. And may those who treat them poorly be granted understanding of their actions. And then may that understanding make them be driven blind with grief, and plunge them into insanity and despair forever. May my children have the skill and good fortune […]

I managed to find the tiny gravel fire-road in the middle of the woods where we were going to be filming the first shots for a commercial I’d been cast in. How the location scouts had found these roads to begin with, I had no idea. I drove down and found the crew setting up. […]

Sign posted in a hotel I stayed at recently: “HEY!” “WHAT?” “DO YOU SEE THAT RED THING ON THE WALL?” “THE THING THAT’S FLASHING?” “YEAH, WITH THE PIERCING HORN BLASTS COMING OUT OF IT. WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT IS?” “I DON’T KNOW. IS IT FOR PAGING SOMEONE?” “WELL, IT SAYS ‘FIRE’ ON IT.” “RIGHT, […]

I have returned! Yes, I have awoken from a long, dormant slumber, like… like… shoot. Surely there must be some analogy appropriate to the moment for emerging with new life after a season of cold silence… hm.  I’ve returned like a thing that wakes up as symbolism for rejuvenation.  A bear?  Muhammed Ali in the “rope-a-dope” […]

It will be a great day when schools have all the funding they need, and the military has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber. – bumper sticker. Excuse me, sir?  Sir?  Would you be interested in some shortbread?  Lemon bar?  The lemon bars are fresh, sir; why, private Williams here got them […]

Hey! Hi! It’s me! I’m here! Now, you might be trying to remember who I am, or you might be saying, “Dude, it’s been, like, 2 months since you’ve posted.” And, first off, you’re calling me ‘dude’? But secondly, that may be the case – I would not know, since I have become spiritually enlightened […]

You do not talk about Fight Club YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB. If someone says stop, goes limp, or taps out, the fight is over. Only 2 guys to a fight. One fight at a time. No shirt, no shoes. Fights will go on as long as they have to. If this is […]