Journal Of Someone Who Didn’t Know It Was Superbowl Sunday

February 4, 2013

Humor

I don't know what's happening to the world, but clearly Cheez plays a vital role...

I don’t know what’s happening to the world, but clearly Cheez plays a vital role…

9:35am – Went to the grocery store.  People seemed frantic.  Grabbing anything they could find.  For some reason people were especially focused on cheese in jars.  Also beer.  Both non-perishable.  Has something terrible happened?  Bought some jar cheese, duct tape and battery-powered lanterns, just in case.

10:20am – Getting concerned. Overheard someone saying how much they wanted to see San Francisco destroyed.  I told a police officer and his only reaction was, “No way.  I see weeping in the streets of Baltimore, my friend.”  Then he went back to his conversation.  Has civil war broken out?  Is that why people are hoarding?

11:15am – Got home and called a friend.  Asked if he was up for some hiking this afternoon.  He laughed and said, “You want me to go hiking with you?  Seriously?  Are you insane?”  We’ve been friends for years.  What happened?

2:40pm – Went to run some errands.  Streets are nearly deserted.

3:03pm – The only customers in Home Depot are women.  And not many women.  Weird.

3:42pm – The city has gone nearly silent.  I am starting to fear the worst.  Have filled the bathtub and several jugs with potable water.  Located Emergency Kit.

People keep saying "Be On Say."  What does it mean?  What does it mean?

People keep saying “Be On Say.” What does it mean? What does it mean?

4:10pm – Emergency Kit only has a piece of notebook paper in it reading only “To Do: Make List of Things For Emergency Kit”.  Damn.

6:23pm – Heard some people saying something about a 34 minute power-outage.  Is something wrong with the electrical grid?  Double-checking batteries in flashlights.

Will drink all the water in the tub so it doesn't go to waste.  Am regretting adding the lavender oil.

Will drink all the water in the tub so it doesn’t go to waste. Am regretting adding the lavender oil.

8:12pm – I’ve armed myself.  Prepared for the worst.  Camper is gassed up and loaded with canned food.  Heard some terrifying screams a little earlier – couldn’t tell if they were joyful or horrified.  I am prepared for anything.  I will not be caught unaware.  I think now of the future, of the society I hope to help rebuild.  Of the world we once had.  I shall leave now and venture in to the woods, leaving society behind before the power grid fails permanently and the chaos truly begins.

I can see from all the traffic that I am not the only one.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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62 Comments on “Journal Of Someone Who Didn’t Know It Was Superbowl Sunday”

  1. She's a Maineiac Says:

    I was prepared. I filled my tub with guacamole.

    I was so determined not to watch the game. the stupid stupid game because I hate the Ravens so much it makes my blood boil. Then Beyonce went out and basically spent 10 minutes doing the same dance move over and over. Yeah, we get it, you have thighs and you’re sexy. Yawn.

    But then power went out and I was transfixed watching them stretch out on the field…reporters on the sidelines clearly not knowing what to say…it was beyond entertaining. Also, one of the best games I’ve seen in awhile.

    Reply

  2. becomingcliche Says:

    I wish I had a clever comment, but all I can do is laugh!

    I actually DIDN’T know it was the Super Bowl until my kid got invited to a party. I kept thinking “Wait, isn’t that game in February?” I am lost and confused, which surprises no one, I am sure.

    Reply

  3. 1pointperspective Says:

    We’ll miss you now that you’ve moved out to the woods, but you’re so much better off.

    Reply

  4. Tori Nelson Says:

    Haha. Cheez is always superior to Cheese. I was banned from the living room because my uneducated football commentary tends to irk game viewers. The one time I did look at the TV the lights in the Super Dome went out. Tom’s still looking at me suspiciously. I’ve got them magic game-changing powers.

    Reply

  5. Michael Says:

    Well, on the bright side, now you know about your Emergency kit and you can get right on that to-do list.

    Reply

  6. Hippie Cahier Says:

    I live approximately 30 miles south of Baltimore. Late last night there were rounds of gunfire.

    Reply

  7. mistyslaws Says:

    You should have gone to the grocery store in the late afternoon. You would have had your pick of all the cheese in jars that your cart could hold. Assuming the hordes of zombies had not depleated the supplies.

    Reply

  8. Go Jules Go Says:

    I had an alarmingly similar day until Peppermeister explained what he was cooking in honor of Super Bowl Sunday. (It involved real cheese.) Then I was all on board with the goals and the slam dunks and the holes in one.

    This post really made me giggle.

    Reply

  9. susielindau Says:

    I went to a party and didn’t know that the game was interrupted for 84 minutes. I couldn’t understand why we were still in the third quarter!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I think an interesting experiment would be to stop a football game mid-game and keep discussing what’s been happening indefinitely, and see how long it takes before people start noticing that it’s an unusually long time-out. 24 hours?

      Reply

      • susielindau Says:

        Try that next year and get back to me on that one. I am not touching any remotes at my friend’s house. Some of the guys freak when I touch the volume to hear commercials!

        Reply

  10. mairedubhtx Says:

    I went out to buy dog food (a necessity) at 4:00 and traffic was light. Everyone was at home gearing up for the Superbowl. I did turn it on in the 2nd quarter but fell asleep in the 3rd quarter while the 49ers were losing (I had them to win because of my San Francisco cousins who are in mourning, I’m sure) I woke up when it was over, then feel back to sleep until midnight. Then took the dogs out and went to bed. A very uneventful night. Oh, I did read while the game was on. I was productive.

    Reply

  11. Anka Says:

    I usually vacuum during the Super Bowl. It’s the one time I have a sudden urge to clean. Or, take a nap.

    Reply

  12. Dana Says:

    Thank goodness we rolled into SF early last week and left way before the Super Bowl. My feeble Canadian heart shudders to think of what it would be like to visit the losing city in their moment of devastation…

    Reply

  13. Jennifer Avventura Says:

    I watched Jwoww & Snookie instead of the game! 😉

    Reply

  14. Lorna's Voice Says:

    Was there a super bowl yesterday?

    Reply

  15. Elyse Says:

    I started to watch it but only for the commercials. Which I forgot to watch because I was reading blogs. Blogging was a much better use of my time.

    Reply

  16. artsifrtsy Says:

    There was a bowl – I wouldn’t call it super. I like your observations. I was 10 minuted late for a Superbowl party and my phone started ringing – I think they were ready to send out search parties.

    Reply

  17. Audrey Says:

    I always knew you would be a survivor!

    Reply

  18. tomwisk Says:

    Yeah, it was weird. We survived.

    Reply

  19. Michelle Gillies Says:

    This is what usually happens to me. I don’t know why but for some reason He-Who made sure I knew he was watching the Super Bowl on Sunday, this year. I usually have it figured out when I can’t find and chips, dip, popcorn, peanuts etc. in any grocery store the Friday before.

    Reply

  20. josefkul Says:

    Thank you Byronic Man. I too was getting concerned and joined the post apocalyptic hordes at our local Safeway. There were almost no Doritos. It seems Doritos have far more nutritional value at the end of the world than I would have thought. But then I found one stuck between my coach cushions fully intact from several years ago with no mold at all, so maybe they’re on to something.

    Reply

  21. pegoleg Says:

    I was at a deal in Chicago on Sunday and they had hired a bunch of porters to help the vendors load their vans when it ended right at 5. I’ve never seen so many surly, grumpy, uncooperative really big men who looked like ex-football players. I thought the lousy attitude was a union rule. Now it makes more sense.

    Reply

  22. becca3416 Says:

    I was in the woods too. How strange. But at least now I understand the rusting in the bushes accompanied by sounds of angels singing with harps.

    Reply

  23. aiyanajane Says:

    i love it! how i wish i could have enjoyed a day unaware of the superbowl.. i was forced into attendance at a super bowl party

    Reply

  24. Joanna L. Says:

    Reblogged this on silencetolight and commented:
    This was THE funniest thing I’ve read in a while…and very relevant because I’m clueless when it comes to football and the superbowl.

    Reply

  25. someonejustlisten Says:

    Reblogged this on Someone Just Listen and commented:
    Absolutely hysterical. Pretty much myself.

    Reply

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