I don’t know what’s happening to the world, but clearly Cheez plays a vital role…
9:35am – Went to the grocery store. People seemed frantic. Grabbing anything they could find. For some reason people were especially focused on cheese in jars. Also beer. Both non-perishable. Has something terrible happened? Bought some jar cheese, duct tape and battery-powered lanterns, just in case.
10:20am – Getting concerned. Overheard someone saying how much they wanted to see San Francisco destroyed. I told a police officer and his only reaction was, “No way. I see weeping in the streets of Baltimore, my friend.” Then he went back to his conversation. Has civil war broken out? Is that why people are hoarding?
11:15am – Got home and called a friend. Asked if he was up for some hiking this afternoon. He laughed and said, “You want me to go hiking with you? Seriously? Are you insane?” We’ve been friends for years. What happened?
2:40pm – Went to run some errands. Streets are nearly deserted.
3:03pm – The only customers in Home Depot are women. And not many women. Weird.
3:42pm – The city has gone nearly silent. I am starting to fear the worst. Have filled the bathtub and several jugs with potable water. Located Emergency Kit.
People keep saying “Be On Say.” What does it mean? What does it mean?
4:10pm – Emergency Kit only has a piece of notebook paper in it reading only “To Do: Make List of Things For Emergency Kit”. Damn.
6:23pm – Heard some people saying something about a 34 minute power-outage. Is something wrong with the electrical grid? Double-checking batteries in flashlights.
Will drink all the water in the tub so it doesn’t go to waste. Am regretting adding the lavender oil.
8:12pm – I’ve armed myself. Prepared for the worst. Camper is gassed up and loaded with canned food. Heard some terrifying screams a little earlier – couldn’t tell if they were joyful or horrified. I am prepared for anything. I will not be caught unaware. I think now of the future, of the society I hope to help rebuild. Of the world we once had. I shall leave now and venture in to the woods, leaving society behind before the power grid fails permanently and the chaos truly begins.
I can see from all the traffic that I am not the only one.
The Byronic Man 
February 4, 2013 at 3:24 am
I was prepared. I filled my tub with guacamole.
I was so determined not to watch the game. the stupid stupid game because I hate the Ravens so much it makes my blood boil. Then Beyonce went out and basically spent 10 minutes doing the same dance move over and over. Yeah, we get it, you have thighs and you’re sexy. Yawn.
But then power went out and I was transfixed watching them stretch out on the field…reporters on the sidelines clearly not knowing what to say…it was beyond entertaining. Also, one of the best games I’ve seen in awhile.
February 4, 2013 at 3:36 am
There was something captivating about seeing those men in their tight pants stretching out on the grass…
Also, I thought about getting a body like Beyonce’s so I tried one of the “dance moves” and I’ll be in traction for a few weeks, I think. Maybe longer.
February 4, 2013 at 5:11 am
y’know…if they would only make the game three straight hours of men stretching in tight pants–there’s a show.
I loved watching Beyonce because the only thing I was thinking was, how are you not tripping in those stilettos?
February 4, 2013 at 5:20 am
February 4, 2013 at 5:20 am
methinks this would have made a smashing halftime show.
February 4, 2013 at 5:52 am
Tee hee hee. How fun would it be to come up with Bear Stripper names?
Huney B. Good
Grizz Lee
YoGiGi
Apparently a lot of fun.
February 4, 2013 at 5:53 am
P.S. – They’re very popular in Winnemucca, but people bear-ly make it out alive.
I’m sorry. I’m just, I’m sorry. Stopping now.
February 4, 2013 at 12:15 pm
That would have mande the absolute best half time show. Hysterical. He-Who does that all the time on the door frame!
February 4, 2013 at 8:27 am
You might want to throw in a clause about which men are in the tights doing the stretching. Just a suggestion.
February 5, 2013 at 12:53 am
I didn’t watch the game because I’m not a football fan, but now I’m kind of disappointed that I missed Yoga Bowl.
February 4, 2013 at 3:53 am
I wish I had a clever comment, but all I can do is laugh!
I actually DIDN’T know it was the Super Bowl until my kid got invited to a party. I kept thinking “Wait, isn’t that game in February?” I am lost and confused, which surprises no one, I am sure.
February 4, 2013 at 8:36 am
It’d be easier to keep track of things if time didn’t insist on moving so erratically forward.
February 4, 2013 at 3:53 am
We’ll miss you now that you’ve moved out to the woods, but you’re so much better off.
February 4, 2013 at 8:38 am
I will return with a new society built entirely on the rules of football. In other words, for every 60 seconds of activity, you then get 15 minutes of break time to reflect and discuss what you did during the 1 minute.
February 4, 2013 at 2:07 pm
…and much like my love life, all the action stops once the lights go out.
February 4, 2013 at 5:04 pm
(Snort) Good One, 1Pt
February 4, 2013 at 4:11 am
Haha. Cheez is always superior to Cheese. I was banned from the living room because my uneducated football commentary tends to irk game viewers. The one time I did look at the TV the lights in the Super Dome went out. Tom’s still looking at me suspiciously. I’ve got them magic game-changing powers.
February 4, 2013 at 8:41 am
You should have said, “I DID THAT WITH MY MIND. THINK ABOUT THAT NEXT TIME I ASK YOU TO DO SOMETHING AND YOU IGNORE ME.”
February 6, 2013 at 9:16 am
love this – it is the right response
February 4, 2013 at 4:29 am
Well, on the bright side, now you know about your Emergency kit and you can get right on that to-do list.
February 4, 2013 at 8:42 am
Yeah, but the emergency’s over so I think I’ll wait until the next one to get on that.
February 4, 2013 at 4:54 am
I live approximately 30 miles south of Baltimore. Late last night there were rounds of gunfire.
February 4, 2013 at 5:42 am
Your boy was MVP. Congrats!
February 4, 2013 at 8:45 am
But was anyone celebrating the Superbowl win? HA! ZING! Take that, upsetting and tragic urban crime levels in Baltimore!
Seriously, though, my wife once got in to Dallas late at night the night Mavericks won the NBA title, and she didn’t know that. She thought Dallas just some terrifying zone of anarchy.
February 4, 2013 at 5:42 am
You should have gone to the grocery store in the late afternoon. You would have had your pick of all the cheese in jars that your cart could hold. Assuming the hordes of zombies had not depleated the supplies.
February 4, 2013 at 9:23 am
I like to think of afternoons on Superbowl day as these throngs of people emerging, blinking in the winter sun, and joyfully getting things done around town.
February 4, 2013 at 5:56 am
I had an alarmingly similar day until Peppermeister explained what he was cooking in honor of Super Bowl Sunday. (It involved real cheese.) Then I was all on board with the goals and the slam dunks and the holes in one.
This post really made me giggle.
February 4, 2013 at 9:21 am
Real cheese? Jeez, what an elitist. I bet he insists on frying up fancy-shmancy real bacon too, instead of just pouring Baco-bits in his mouth, straight from the bag.
February 4, 2013 at 5:59 am
I went to a party and didn’t know that the game was interrupted for 84 minutes. I couldn’t understand why we were still in the third quarter!
February 4, 2013 at 9:22 am
I think an interesting experiment would be to stop a football game mid-game and keep discussing what’s been happening indefinitely, and see how long it takes before people start noticing that it’s an unusually long time-out. 24 hours?
February 4, 2013 at 2:06 pm
Try that next year and get back to me on that one. I am not touching any remotes at my friend’s house. Some of the guys freak when I touch the volume to hear commercials!
February 4, 2013 at 6:05 am
I went out to buy dog food (a necessity) at 4:00 and traffic was light. Everyone was at home gearing up for the Superbowl. I did turn it on in the 2nd quarter but fell asleep in the 3rd quarter while the 49ers were losing (I had them to win because of my San Francisco cousins who are in mourning, I’m sure) I woke up when it was over, then feel back to sleep until midnight. Then took the dogs out and went to bed. A very uneventful night. Oh, I did read while the game was on. I was productive.
February 4, 2013 at 9:26 am
I had to go out, too, and was shocked at how quiet the streets were.
February 4, 2013 at 7:06 am
I usually vacuum during the Super Bowl. It’s the one time I have a sudden urge to clean. Or, take a nap.
February 4, 2013 at 9:25 am
I’d like to think that it’s while other people in the house are watching the game, and you’re coming through the room, vacuum blaring.
February 4, 2013 at 7:59 am
Thank goodness we rolled into SF early last week and left way before the Super Bowl. My feeble Canadian heart shudders to think of what it would be like to visit the losing city in their moment of devastation…
February 4, 2013 at 9:24 am
Well, it’s San Francisco, so I’m sure they freaked out in an artsy, progressive way that didn’t harm the earth.
February 4, 2013 at 10:34 am
Recycling was probably involved, too. “I’m so upset that we lost the game– I’m going to compost the rest of this nacho cheez in protest!”
February 4, 2013 at 3:40 pm
I call this interpretive dance, “We were robbed!”
February 4, 2013 at 9:12 am
I watched Jwoww & Snookie instead of the game! 😉
February 4, 2013 at 9:24 am
Were they playing football?
February 4, 2013 at 9:52 am
No, but Snookie was about to give birth, close enough!
February 4, 2013 at 9:59 am
Was there a super bowl yesterday?
February 4, 2013 at 11:09 am
They really should advertise it better.
February 4, 2013 at 10:07 am
I started to watch it but only for the commercials. Which I forgot to watch because I was reading blogs. Blogging was a much better use of my time.
February 4, 2013 at 11:10 am
Yeah, but now you have no idea what products to buy.
February 4, 2013 at 10:28 am
There was a bowl – I wouldn’t call it super. I like your observations. I was 10 minuted late for a Superbowl party and my phone started ringing – I think they were ready to send out search parties.
February 4, 2013 at 3:40 pm
Well, if you miss the first 10 minutes you’ll never get the plot.
February 4, 2013 at 5:14 pm
No wonder they were worried.
February 4, 2013 at 10:52 am
I always knew you would be a survivor!
February 4, 2013 at 3:40 pm
Me and Gloria Gaynor!
February 4, 2013 at 12:09 pm
Yeah, it was weird. We survived.
February 4, 2013 at 3:39 pm
It was touch and go there for a while.
February 4, 2013 at 12:12 pm
Lol!
February 4, 2013 at 12:22 pm
This is what usually happens to me. I don’t know why but for some reason He-Who made sure I knew he was watching the Super Bowl on Sunday, this year. I usually have it figured out when I can’t find and chips, dip, popcorn, peanuts etc. in any grocery store the Friday before.
February 4, 2013 at 3:39 pm
I have that moment. “Why are there mountains of beer and chips all– oh, right.”
February 4, 2013 at 7:06 pm
Thank you Byronic Man. I too was getting concerned and joined the post apocalyptic hordes at our local Safeway. There were almost no Doritos. It seems Doritos have far more nutritional value at the end of the world than I would have thought. But then I found one stuck between my coach cushions fully intact from several years ago with no mold at all, so maybe they’re on to something.
February 5, 2013 at 7:18 am
I was at a deal in Chicago on Sunday and they had hired a bunch of porters to help the vendors load their vans when it ended right at 5. I’ve never seen so many surly, grumpy, uncooperative really big men who looked like ex-football players. I thought the lousy attitude was a union rule. Now it makes more sense.
February 6, 2013 at 11:37 am
I was in the woods too. How strange. But at least now I understand the rusting in the bushes accompanied by sounds of angels singing with harps.
February 6, 2013 at 4:56 pm
i love it! how i wish i could have enjoyed a day unaware of the superbowl.. i was forced into attendance at a super bowl party
February 6, 2013 at 9:02 pm
Reblogged this on silencetolight and commented:
This was THE funniest thing I’ve read in a while…and very relevant because I’m clueless when it comes to football and the superbowl.
February 14, 2013 at 6:50 am
Reblogged this on Someone Just Listen and commented:
Absolutely hysterical. Pretty much myself.