“Well sir, if you’re going to bring nice, leather luggage, you’re going to get claw marks.”

November 24, 2010


There’s this hotel M and I love at the coast – which  I suppose right there gives away a sense of my geographic location… People don’t really talk about going to the “beach” in Oregon.  It’s not just idiomatic, it’s just that going to the “beach” carries a set of expectations with it: bathing suits, tanning, frolicking, getting in the water, etc.  Going to the “beach,” in that sense, in Oregon would be a crapshoot with your life.  Oh, there are calm, sunny days – of course there are – days when it isn’t raining and windy, but even on the best days the water’s still going to be freezing and the waves intense.  That’s why we go to the coast. You go and you just look at it.  Walk by it.  Throw a stick in it.  Maybe, if you’re one of those lunatic adrenaline junkies, you roll up your pants and go in up to your shins.  I exaggerate, of course – there are people, in layers of protective gear, out there surfing.  They are all dead.  But the Oregon coast is still incredibly beautiful and dramatic and so on, so in many ways it’s great because you’re glad to be there regardless of weather.

Anyway, there’s this hotel that’s very Inn-ish.  Very homey, very quaint.  They have these two cats that live in the building.  They doop-de-doo around, wandering in to people’s rooms, getting adored constantly, sleeping on the furniture. It’s a pretty good gig for a cat.  And they seem to know it.  They’re incredibly relaxed about all the attention from strangers, and – except for occasionally someone talking about how they couldn’t get the cat to leave his or her room (I’m never sure why picking the cat up isn’t an option ) – you never hear any complaints about their (the cats’) behavior.

Of course they warn people when the reservations are being made, in case of allergies, or general cat-hating.  In fact, I even overheard one reservation in process get cancelled simply because the man on the phone hated cats.  That’s a serious hatred of cats.  That or it was actually his wife who wanted to go to the coast and he finally found a reason to get out of it.  “But honey!  There’s a cat!  My vacation would be ruined if I saw him!”

But even with the warnings, one would really think there would still be problems.  At least I would think so, knowing my cats.  Where are the standard cat activities?  Or is it me?  Do I bring out terrible behavior in cats?

If it were my hotel, it would be a ghost town.  “Yes, we’re located off of highway 20, on Nye Beach.  Now, I should probably let you know that we have a couple cats, in case of allergies.  Also, because one of the cats will very likely poop in your room if he perceives even a sense of disrespect or some kind of slight on your part.  Obviously, there will be vomiting.  Oh, the Siamese cat may come in your room to visit.  DO NOT TOUCH HER.  The hotel is not liable if you touch her or, God help you, pick her up.  If she refuses to leave your room, just, well, probably just stay there, I guess.   Um, let’s see… sometimes they just go batshit crazy, but that’s to be expected I suppose.  We serve breakfast from 8:30 to 10:00.  Oh, yeah, speaking of which – if the fat cat decides he wants to sit in your lap, or on the table in front of you so he can try and swipe a bite of your food he’s just really, amazingly resolute and there’s just nothing to do about it – I mean you can try but he gets mighty pissed off mighty quick.  If they try to hang from your leg or something just shake them off.  So, how many nights can I put you down for?”

Obviously, this would be hugely popular hotel, and you should probably let me know now – before it’s opened, before I’ve begun looking for a hotel to buy, before, in fact, I’ve decided that I want own a hotel at all – when you’d like your reservations.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

View all posts by The Byronic Man


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