Shark Week starts again on the Discovery Channel this weekend. So, why do I think Shark Week on The Discovery Channel is just so, so ridiculous?
Well, because…
“Sharks are calm, by nature. Focused. But for ages scientists have wondered: how will they react if we throw blood and food in the water, then slap them in the face and jab them with sharp sticks and tell them they’re fat? We endeavored to answer this age-old question and – Holy crap, they’ve gone berserk! Look at that rage! That destruction! I did NOT see this coming! This is as surprising and shocking as it is photogenic!”
Seen here: A great white, who’s mortified they chose this picture.
Because…
“Here we see a Yellow Shark patrolling the ocean floor, scanning for prey. He comes upon a fish and, whoa! Did you see him eat that fish?! He ate the hell out of that fish! Can you imagine if your child was that fish? Think about it! Take a minute and think about your child being that fish! Oh, there he is, slapping the water with his little palms! Look at me, mama, I love the ocean! I love you and trust you so mu – CHOMP. GULP. GONE.”
Because…
“No one knows why, exactly, shark attacks have taken such a dramatic rise in the last few years. Could it be because severe over-fishing has made the search for food more desperate? Could it be because there’s almost 7 billion people now so, logically, there’s going to be more people having these run-ins? Or could it be that sharks have developed an insatiable taste for nubile human flesh? Whatever the reason, shark attacks have become so common that someone who lives at the ocean and surfs every single day for years is now 8 times more likely to be attacked by a shark than he is to be attacked by a Himalayan snow leopard. In fact, shark attacks now account for nearly 0.000000000000013% of all unnatural deaths in the world every year. Every. Year.”
Because…
Then, over on the dessert table we put – Oh, Jesus, it’s like they don’t even care that they obviously look like little people!
“Now, in order to get a sense of how humans eat, we’ve made this meatloaf in the shape of a smiley face. Next, we put it in the buffet at Izzy’s at the start of the dinner rush. Let’s watch what happens… okay, a few of them have bumped it… they’re curious; checking it out… someone’s taken it! They’re eating it! They’re eating the face! Oh, lord, look at him eat the face! If that was your face that would definitely be fatal! Your face would totally be getting eaten by that guy! OH GOD, he’s eating the little meatball eye we put in the face! Truly, it reveals the cold savagery of humans that one would eat something made of food that vaguely resembles its own species! It’s own species!
Because…
“For too long have these mysterious and majestic creatures have been misunderstood because of our fears. Humans have spent countless hours ignoring the fascinating history and facets of these titans, choosing instead to fixate on the myths, simply because sharks are so much more powerful than we and we’re helpless, out there, feet dangling in the bottomless depths like that skinny-dipper at the beginning of Jaws? Remember that? Tug. Oh my God, what was that? That scene was pretty freaky, right? Because of their rows of teeth, and cold, dead, black eyes that just seem to be soulless, you know? Like you’re looking into an abyss of evil? Like your nightmares live behind those eyes? And they’re so FAST, and the teeth which reproduce in ROWS, and they can swallow you WHOLE if they’re big enough, so you’re still alive in there, and the BLOOD, and RIPPING, and SWARMS OF PURE TERROR. So, in the hopes of learning more about our planet’s oldest dominant species, we present: Shark Week.”
The Byronic Man 
August 3, 2013 at 3:19 am
It would be funny if it wasn’t so true … the hyped commentary, I mean. Well, it was funny too but you know what I mean.
What is it about the Discovery Channel that they pay good money for such sensationalised crap? Oh, ratings, I see.
Loved this, BM … 🙂
August 4, 2013 at 8:50 am
It’s especially amazing that it keeps working, year after year after year. I like to imagine a meeting around a big table where Mr. Discovery says he wants ideas for a ratings booster, there’s a long silence and then someone says, “Shark week again?” and everyone claps and shakes hands and they go get drunk over lunch.
August 4, 2013 at 9:42 am
Hmm, BM … that sounds way too plausible. Perhaps we could suggest something else like … the Perfidy of Terrapins (they can be aggressive little buggers) or the Savagery of Gerbils or some such. Yes, ‘Gerbil Week’ has a good ring to it.
August 3, 2013 at 3:36 am
We did have a recent fatal shark attack on the west coast of New Zealand, not far from where I live. My friend steeled herself to have a conversation with her surf-mad 10 year old about it, hoping he hadn’t been hit by the hype. “Does it make you worried about going surfing?” she asked him. “Oh, no Mum, you’re more likely to be killed by a falling coconut!” he replied nonchalantly.
Good thing they don’t have discovery channel… 🙂
August 3, 2013 at 6:23 am
‘Coming next summer….Falling Coconut Week. Watch as these deadly menaces rain down from the trees, striking heads in an indiscriminate deluge of terror!”
August 3, 2013 at 1:28 pm
Now *that* I would watch 😀
August 3, 2013 at 10:55 am
I was actually once knocked down by a falling walnut. I wonder if I should contact the Discovery Channel. (The walnut fell from a tree located on a ledge, so it fell far enough that my call should not be viewed as the act of a wimp.)
August 3, 2013 at 3:14 pm
Next on the Discovery Channel: “Terminal Velocity: How Gravity Can Kill!”
August 4, 2013 at 12:13 am
Make it “When gravity goes bad…”and have it narrated by someone James-Earl-Jones-ish and it’ll be a hit!
August 3, 2013 at 3:43 pm
Or make a grown woman cry. It was most embarrassing!
August 4, 2013 at 8:51 am
Gilligan’s Island tried so hard to teach us all about the dangers of falling coconuts. Sadly, people just laughed.
August 4, 2013 at 12:20 pm
They made up songs. “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts… here they are standing in a row…”
Oh, if you ever get the opportunity, watch “When Fish Attack 2.” It’s the topic of the most read post on my blog because there are ungodly numbers of people who conduct Google searches for photos of tarpon, but that’s neither here nor there: the point is, it will stun you speechless with its ridiculousness. It’s waaayyyy worse than shark week, in that, among other things, sharks are actually sharks, whereas some of the creatures on this show are not fish.
August 3, 2013 at 3:58 am
Wow! You’re really killing it on here, Byronic Man! Another winner.
Glad I found your blog. Love your wit!
August 4, 2013 at 8:54 am
Thanks, and thanks for sticking around.
August 3, 2013 at 4:37 am
You made me laugh at 4:35 AM on a Saturday morning. Amazing. It was the comment about food that looks like people, especially the gingerbread man. M’kay… going back to bed now.
August 3, 2013 at 3:18 pm
From the “Too Much Personal Information” Department:
In my graduating class, I was voted most likely to eat my fellow passengers if I were the sole survivor of a plane crash in the Wilderness.
MMM…tastes like pork…
August 3, 2013 at 3:52 pm
That movie (Alive) changed the concept of ‘finger food’ almost as much as the Donner party.
August 4, 2013 at 8:53 am
I was voted most likely to start a blog named for a mash-up of a 19th century poetic concept, and the 6-Million-Dollar-Man. It’s especially impressive since there was no such thing as a “blog” at the time.
August 4, 2013 at 8:55 am
That part’s based on something I saw on Shark Week once where “scientists” basically made a meat-shark, drenched it in blood, stuck it next to hungry sharks and then acted shocked and horrified when they were willing to eat something that vaguely resembled another shark.
Now THAT’S science.
August 4, 2013 at 10:11 am
I might try that with my kids and pop-tarts. Hmmm…..
August 3, 2013 at 4:48 am
You may want to get yourself one of these.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2377139/Thats-Jaws-dropping-look-The-sharkini-complete-bite-shaped-cut-washboard-stomach-included.html
August 4, 2013 at 8:57 am
Does it come in earth-tones? I hate it when my novelty swimsuits make my skin look pasty.
August 3, 2013 at 5:21 am
See, I’m not as worried about sharks as I am about jellyfish.
August 4, 2013 at 8:58 am
It’s squid you should be paralytically terrified of. They’re like sharks, but more aggressive and they can fit in drains if they want to. And they do. Oh, they do.
August 3, 2013 at 5:35 am
A post with teeth – great stuff. Personally I feel, whatever the truth about sharks, that it is simply good manners not to mess around in their dining area; I stay on the beach.
August 4, 2013 at 8:59 am
People do tend to forget that the ocean – even near the shoreline – is still foreign, untamed habitat. It’s the same as going in to a jungle.
August 3, 2013 at 5:35 am
Yeah, but what about the shark in the tornado thing? I could only picture one thing, the chef at Izzy,s throwing hunks of meat out to the diners waiting on the front porch for the place to open up, to get them swarming.
August 4, 2013 at 8:59 am
Starchnado!
August 3, 2013 at 6:03 am
>>how will they react if we throw blood and food in the water, then slap them in the face and jab them with sharp sticks and tell them they’re fat? <<
Also the premise behind the Real Housewives franchise.
Love the gingerbread caption!
August 3, 2013 at 6:49 am
*pisses self laughing at this*
August 3, 2013 at 7:04 am
Right?! … oh shit, I’ve done it again.
August 3, 2013 at 7:01 am
Hahaha! Brilliant!
*realizes he’s commenting on a comment … finishes it anyway*
August 4, 2013 at 9:00 am
Hi-yo!
August 3, 2013 at 6:18 am
Hilarious observations. Thanks for another thought-provoking post. Remind me not to provoke or insult the next shark I see minding his own business.
August 4, 2013 at 9:02 am
A friendly wave or compliment is always appreciated. Especially by Hammerheads; they’re self-conscious.
August 3, 2013 at 6:50 am
They’re just very, very hungry… like giant, restless Om nom nom machines. You just have to stay out of the Om nom range.
August 4, 2013 at 9:03 am
Best bet is to only go in the ocean with somewhat seal-shaped friends.
August 3, 2013 at 7:49 am
Well said! Sharks are fascinating and so misunderstood because of things like Shark Week.
As if people don’t have enough to worry about, now we have to manufacture fear.
August 3, 2013 at 8:13 am
Now, hold on a minute. Let me check something … here… Yes, I found it. ‘The sole purpose of mainstream TV is to pacify, numb, indoctinate and instill fear.’ It’s been built in from the beginning. But it’s marketed as entertainment of course, with all kinds of flashy thingies and strange sounds to make it fun for everyone! Yeah!
August 4, 2013 at 9:04 am
Which is especially weird because there are some amazing amazing amazing facts about sharks that require no level of fear-mongering, or monster-creation.
August 3, 2013 at 7:52 am
This was awesome. But perhaps we can solve a few of the world’s ills by placing some nubile reality show idiots in the Sharkweek waters. Makes sense right?
August 3, 2013 at 3:24 pm
I can see it now: “Sharks vs. The Bachelorettes: Blood, Boobs and Bruce!”
August 3, 2013 at 3:57 pm
Nice. “Don’t go in the water! Venereal disease and stupidity running rampant!”
August 4, 2013 at 9:06 am
It would actually be really interesting, as an experiment, to have mock “try-outs” for a reality show where the applicants are told they’re going to be swimming with hungry sharks, to see who would be so desperate to be on TV that they’d agree.
August 4, 2013 at 9:07 am
I see Honey Boo Boo on that list in a few years. (Do Boo Boo jokes ever get old?$
August 3, 2013 at 7:56 am
Great post and on point. We have become a country that thrives on fear and sensattionalism!!!! However I for one do like a bit of a scare on film sometimes 🙂
August 4, 2013 at 9:07 am
Me too, I just think it’s too bad that we have to take real creatures and turn them in to monsters.
August 3, 2013 at 8:20 am
It seems ever since the words “We’re gonna need a bigger boat” were uttered by Roy Scheider the shark has become a much maligned fish. There has to be a way for us to reach a compromise without anyone becoming anyone else’s dinner.
August 4, 2013 at 9:08 am
I don’t know if I believe him, but Benchley (author of Jaws) has said he regrets writing the book because of all the harm it’s done to sharks, in terms of fear and that leading to sport-killing and such.
August 3, 2013 at 11:23 am
There are a lot more dangerous things than sharks, like me tripping over my dog as I run away from the TV when one of these horrible “Jaws” inspired programs creeps into my viewing time when I thought I was going to be watching a crime drama about serial killers.
August 3, 2013 at 3:27 pm
Don’t you just hate it when Hannibal Lector’s dining tips for what goes best with fava beans and Chianti get interrupted?
August 4, 2013 at 9:09 am
“Tripping Over Pets Week” on Animal Planet!
August 5, 2013 at 8:54 am
With the disclaimer: “No pets were harmed in the filming of this series–humans, yes, pets, no.”
August 3, 2013 at 11:57 am
Being eaten by ANYTHING has got to be the most humiliating way to go. Imagine. You don’t die immediately so you’re fully aware that, holy shit, I’m being eaten! You’re FOOD for fuck’s sake! All that work, the career, the broken hearts and sleepless nights and all you amount to is dinner for something else. Then guess what? You’re POOP! That’s right. You went back to school for your masters, found that perfect soul mate and now you’re just POOP. I’d rather be hit by a crosstown bus. At least I’ll inconvenienced a bunch of people.
August 3, 2013 at 3:29 pm
On the bright side, at least you went “Eco-friendly” instead of adding to the Green House Gases by being cremated.
August 3, 2013 at 6:28 pm
That’ll be cold comfort when you see him flossing with your bowels.
August 4, 2013 at 12:24 pm
Dammit. Here I thought my desire to be cremated was friendlier because I wouldn’t be pumped full of noxious chemicals and locked in a box in a cement-lined hole in the ground. Now I’m going to have to be buried at sea.
August 4, 2013 at 9:10 am
I’d really like to think that there’s a little part of the brain that would tell you, “Well, it’s the circle of life. This is the natural way to die” but somehow I doubt it. I suspect that little part of the brain would be saying, “AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! OW OW OW OW OW AAAAAHHHH!!!”
August 4, 2013 at 9:24 am
That was Robert Shaw’s dialogue in JAWS in the restaurant scene (the one where he was the only item on the menu).
August 3, 2013 at 3:15 pm
Had a great laugh over this, thanks.
Makes me think of the hoopla made over (phenomenally and incredibly rare) bear attacks. But no one talks about the thousands of people who die regularly in vehicle accidents.
(sighs and shakes head, walking away)
August 3, 2013 at 3:34 pm
Personally, I’d like to see Ralph Nader (or maybe Michael Moore) do an up-dated documentary version of “Unsafe At Any Speed” just to remind myself that I’m still living a daring life. Then I could comeback against guys in Flying Suits: “You call that dangerous? Pfff! Try rush hour on the Friday before a long weekend!”
August 4, 2013 at 9:12 am
I think the ONLY reasons there isn’t more “Bear Week!” stuff is they’re cuter. But, yes, I agree completely.
August 3, 2013 at 5:23 pm
Brilliantly share-able.
August 3, 2013 at 8:22 pm
We won’t be having a shark problem much longer because in a classic case of man bites dog, we’re fishing the hell out of the shark population. Of course we are. Naturally. Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?
August 4, 2013 at 9:16 am
I’ve read that for every pound of shrimp caught commercially (just as an example), about 24 pounds of other sealife is killed in the nets, then just chucked overboard. Oh yes. This is going to end well.
August 3, 2013 at 9:30 pm
Reblogged this on Duffboy and commented:
Did you read SuperFreakonomics? It poses that shark attacks are quite rare.
August 4, 2013 at 9:15 am
There’s a really interesting book called The Science Of Fear about how we construct our fears, and – clearly – it’s not based on probability, but perception of intensity. Then we create a belief of probability. I’m badly paraphrasing, but it’s really interesting.
August 5, 2013 at 11:02 am
Sounds interesting. Thanks for the reference!
August 3, 2013 at 11:57 pm
Blood thirsty killers, really. Everyone knows that shark week is nothing but the real stuff… ask my 16 year old.
August 4, 2013 at 9:13 am
Well, they can’t put it on TV if it isn’t completely true.
August 4, 2013 at 9:37 am
Right. Exactly. So says my teenager.
August 4, 2013 at 12:15 pm
Okay, so first of all, STOP RUINING ALL THE SIMPLE JOYS IN MY LIFE. Gah.
Secondly, of COURSE it’s fabricated. I don’t care that they attack sticks and whatnot. I just like to watch them and go, “Wow. That thing lives in the ocean. In that big, vast, deep ocean that we think we understand but we so totally don’t really understand it because Finding Nemo.”
Thirdly, yes, it’s exploitative to poke sharks and use their understandable fury for our amusement. But to be fair, they totally chomp the shit out of stuff just because they have nothing else to do. They swim around all, “I am so. BORED. There is NOTHING to do down here. Oooh, something to hunt! I’m on it!” Nom nom nom nom nom… “Wait… am I just eating because I’m bored?”
August 4, 2013 at 12:46 pm
I hate shark week because every flippin’ week seems to be shark week. They know a week is only seven days, right?
August 4, 2013 at 9:58 pm
You have beautifully captured the essence of the Scary Announcer Voice (cue creepy music) that is the hallmark of so many cable networks which were at one time educational. Did you catch the “documentary” on mermaids a while back? I think it might have been on Animal Planet or something. I only heard about it because #mermaids was trending on Twitter and I couldn’t believe that, so when I checked it out and saw people’s responses to the show — well, suffice it to say that for a brief time I was terrified for humanity. And not because I thought mermaids were scary.
August 5, 2013 at 5:15 am
And when sharks get caught up in a tornado/water spout, they can wreck havoc on a city. I know this. I’ve seen pics. It really hurts when a shark lands on you from 100 feet up.
August 5, 2013 at 2:48 pm
Good analytical summary of Shark Week. You’ve got me rethinking my decision to take the week off work to watch.
August 6, 2013 at 8:24 pm
Oh Peg. You are hilarious….
August 6, 2013 at 11:13 am
I LOVE Shark Week. Everyone knows this, and I get a billion people reminding me a week or two before the big event. I don’t care that I’ve seen the same five episodes over and over and over again. BECAUSE SHARKS.
I hope one day I become famous enough to have Morgan Freeman narrate a movie about me riding Megaladon around the Great Barrier Reef, and have it shown during Shark Week.
August 6, 2013 at 8:24 pm
I don’t think we have changed much since the gladiator days. It’s whale week right now. Yawn….
August 6, 2013 at 9:33 pm
Our infatuation with the Shark week is basically a result of our obsession with food and our obsession with ourselves. Combining ourselves and food into a “what if we were food?” question creates that winning formula.
August 12, 2013 at 8:44 am
If humans need a villian from the natural world it might as well be sharks! Them and bears! Cold hearted, viscous bears…
I’m surprised Fox News doesn’t have a North Korea week, something semi-informative but mostly constructed for the sole purpose of scaring the daylights out of people.
August 30, 2013 at 7:39 pm
My friends and I saw and reviewed Sharknado. http://agent54nsa.blogspot.com/2013/07/sharknado-review.html