Look, I like to think I can make with the occasional bit of funny here. But I know who’s in charge. And that Monarch is, of course, The Onion.
Sorry, Brits – The Daily Mash is pretty great, but The Onion is, frankly, staggering. And today they are 25 years old. So, to celebrate in the best way I know how (by lazily reprinting their hard work), here are 25 of their best headlines, though there are countless more that could make the list:
Exercise Ball All The Way Over There
Indonesian Mother Sews Halloween Costumes For 60,000 Children
On Barack Obama’s presidential campaign: Black Guy Asks Nation For Change.
Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be
Jews to Celebrate Rosh Hashasha or Something
On George W Bush’s daughter turning 18: Jenna Bush’s Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open for Public Drilling
Study: 72 Percent Of High-Fives Unwarranted
Fun Toy Banned Because of 3 Stupid Dead Kids
Cool Dad Is Horrible Father
Philip Morris: ‘Please Talk To Your Cooler Children About Cigarettes’
Drugs Win Drug War
Denver Optometrist Not Sure Why He Has A Gay Cult Following
Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequences
Op Ed: “I’m Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze”
Christian Rock Band Cleans Up Hotel Room
Sean Penn Demands To Know What Asshole Took SeanPenn@ gmail.com
Alan Rickman Ends Pizza Delivery Order With Ominous ‘So Be It’
Special Olympics Investigated For Use Of Performance-Enhancing Hugs
37 Record Store Clerks Feared Dead in Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster
“Having-one-beer” Plan Goes Awry
U.S. Launches AIDS-Awareness Campaign In Botswana: ‘You All Have AIDS,’ Says U.S
Which Are your favorites?
The Byronic Man 
August 30, 2013 at 4:10 am
I am continually astonished at the quality and cleverness that comes out of The Onion. I remember when it started appearing in free newspaper boxes in Manhattan a million years ago. How have they maintained the high standard over the years? Are they warlocks? One of my favs? Yankees purchase every player in the Major Leagues to insure World Series victory.
August 30, 2013 at 11:34 am
I imagine the pressure to deliver must be insane. Everyone around you is generating greatness, so you have to just think at that level. I’d assume they’re all drunks and have psychotic breaks after a year or so.
August 30, 2013 at 1:45 pm
Maybe that place chews them up and spits them out. I hear that’s what goes on at Saturday Night Live. Same thing except without the big paycheck.
August 30, 2013 at 4:16 am
Yes! I didn’t realize they’ve been around for 25 years. One of my favorite reads.
August 30, 2013 at 11:34 am
It’s extremely rare to be disappointed in what they produce.
August 30, 2013 at 4:27 am
Sooo many to choose from. I used to read it religiously b4 it went online. Not sure why this jumps out but I remember “Running shoes used for computer programming” and “God gives shout out back to all his N***as” that last one being one of my fave stories. I loved the old columns by Smoove, Zweibel, Kornfeld, and that stoner And the old advice columns – Like Ask a touring drummer for the Pointer Sisters or Ask the VoiceOver for the Dukes of Hazard. Thanks for bringing back these memories !
August 30, 2013 at 4:27 am
And obviously I shouldn’t be writing comments from my phone.
August 30, 2013 at 11:37 am
Jim Anchower (the stoner) was always great, but I think my favorite columnist had to be Amber, the trashy junkie. My favorite: “Ain’t Nobody Telling Me What My Baby Allergic To.”
http://www.theonion.com/articles/aint-nobody-telling-me-what-my-baby-allergic-to,11297/
August 30, 2013 at 4:27 am
My favorite Onion story: “Third Amendment Rights Group Celebrates Another Successful Year.” It was about the brave efforts of the National Anti-Quartering Association to protest the Third Amendment rights we cherish so much.
August 30, 2013 at 1:43 pm
I remember that one!
August 30, 2013 at 4:40 am
I like that the Onion has a “25 best headlines of The Byronic Man” on their site today. Nice.
August 30, 2013 at 11:38 am
Well, they should, anyway.
August 30, 2013 at 5:06 am
I enjoy it when Facebook “friends” post a link to an Onion article thinking it’s real. I have to say the Jenna Bush headline was beyond genius.
August 30, 2013 at 1:43 pm
Especially because someone will then say, “It’s The Onion, idiot. It’s fake.” and they’ll assert that No! This one’s true!
August 30, 2013 at 5:11 am
It’s really not even fair how funny they are. There’s no way I can pick a favorite (although “Expert On Anteaters Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters” will ALWAYS get me), so instead I offer: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/the-35-best-times-someone-on-facebook-thought-the-onion-was-real/
(My favorite there is #21.)
August 30, 2013 at 6:40 am
I just read that article recently on thoughtcatalog. Hilarious!
August 30, 2013 at 7:44 am
I was going to include that list! I was afraid I’d be getting too long, though, so I’m glad you did. My favorite might be the congressman who actually thought Planned Parenthood had opened up an $8 Billion Abortionplex.
August 30, 2013 at 1:48 pm
I also love the woman who believes that JK Rowling is Newt Gingrich’s pen name, and insists that “more evidence is coming out about it” and that even if The Onion is fake there is hidden truth in satire and lies, and that “Satan has many deceptions.”
August 31, 2013 at 3:26 am
Love that link, JD. Although, I’m not entirely convinced that there really isn’t a small man living inside of Nicolas Cage’s body.
August 30, 2013 at 5:14 am
Love the onion daily mash, the valentine one was just too funny
August 30, 2013 at 5:45 am
Oh my god, I laughed out loud. For real. SO much so, that if I were some illiterate internet junkie, I totally would have written OMG LOL. But I really did laugh out loud. And I’m at work, so I’m getting weird looks. Gotta go now. Thanks for sharing these, darling!
August 30, 2013 at 1:50 pm
The Onion is dangerous to read at work or in public.
August 30, 2013 at 5:56 am
Drugs Win Drug War – love that one! However, my all time Onion fave: Olympic Runners Feeling Stupid For Cutting Off Legs Before Finding Out About Prosthetic Ban
August 30, 2013 at 1:51 pm
They have a lot of good drug ones. “Every single person in ordering, preparation, and delivery of pizza extremely high.”
August 30, 2013 at 6:50 am
On your list, this one’s my favorite: Special Olympics Investigated for Use of Performance-Enhancing Hugs. hahaha.
I also like this one: CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years
August 30, 2013 at 1:52 pm
They have another great one about the Special Olympics in which they uncover that many of the so-called medal winners did, in fact, do quite poorly.
August 30, 2013 at 6:54 am
Too funny…”Christian Rock Band Cleans Hotel Room” Classic. There are so many, but this is one of the few I can remember.
“God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy – ‘No,’ Says God”
August 30, 2013 at 1:52 pm
I love that one.
August 30, 2013 at 7:09 am
Love the Onion. Thanks for making me smirk like a crazy person. The “high fives” headline was so inane. Where do they come up with this stuff? 🙂
August 30, 2013 at 1:53 pm
The article for that one is good all the way through. The scientists are urging people to consider thumbs-ups, or curt nods as replacements.
August 30, 2013 at 2:53 pm
Ah, yes, much more understated and dignified, especially for us Baby Boomers. We could tear a rotater cuff or something trying to do a high-five…and missing (like I often do). 😉
August 30, 2013 at 4:20 pm
The key to landing a high-five is looking at the person’s elbow, not their hand.
The more you know…
August 30, 2013 at 7:36 am
I want to know who weighed the pubes and did they then knit them into a sweater and put it in Ripley’s Believe it or Not? People do stuff like that. That lint recreation of Whistler’s Mother made out of dryer lint definitely has pubes in it. I saw them. (Disclaimer: I am not a trashy person, even if my comments make me appear as such.)
August 30, 2013 at 7:57 am
Those are great… too hard to pick a favorite! I saw something on facebook (or somewhere??) that showed instances where people had posted Onion stories and believed they were real and left comments about them. It was funnier than the actual stories. Usually several comments down the thread, someone would say “its the Onion, its not real!”
August 30, 2013 at 1:49 pm
Especially because the people, instead of saying “oh, I feel silly” will insist that it’s true, defiantly. Even saying, “well that’s your opinion.” Um, you may not understand what “opinions” are…
August 30, 2013 at 8:47 am
Thanks for giving me a reason to have more than one beer, B-Man. But I’m going for”You all have AIDS” as my fav. Cuz I am a fake medical professional
August 30, 2013 at 1:54 pm
There’s a similar one about the Burundi Beef Council’s slogan, “Please Send Beef.”
August 30, 2013 at 10:03 am
Oh my god, Jenna Bush for the win. Genius. I also love the exercise ball and Alan Rickman ones. Oh hell, they are all brilliant.
I think one of my favorite ones ever was something like, “Office going away party for boss a little TOO exuberant.” That one might be my favorite just because it hits close to home. Oh how I long for the day . . .
August 30, 2013 at 1:55 pm
Yeah, that Jenna Bush one is almost too funny to even laugh at. You just have to sort of contemplate the sheer, baffling funniness of it. Like staring into an abyss of funny.
August 30, 2013 at 4:20 pm
The thing that kills you is how EASY it is. You’re like, “Gah, of COURSE! I’m so mad I didn’t think of that! I’m so mad YOU thought of that, on top of all the other freaking brilliant things you think of!”
August 30, 2013 at 4:19 pm
Sometimes I hate those guys for being so good. Did you see the thing yesterday? The one about the magic store owner not being the same since he lost his virginity? Oh, I howled.
August 30, 2013 at 8:39 pm
Bless the Onion, the light in a dark world.
August 31, 2013 at 5:35 am
I avoid the Onion, as it makes me feel like a pathetic loser when it comes to writing funny things. Also, please excuse my not having liked or commented on your blog for the past several months for pretty much the same reason.
August 31, 2013 at 6:08 am
So many to choose from! The Al Gore one is sad AND funny, but mostly sad.
August 31, 2013 at 6:38 pm
The Abortionplex one is awesome. My favorite is the relatively recent “Chick-Fil-A Debuts New Homophobic Sandwich” (it’s the Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu with Fag-Punching Sauce).
September 1, 2013 at 8:42 pm
That Al Gore picture had me spewing cheap, white wine all over my computer. Hope I didn’t get you in the eye, B-man.
September 2, 2013 at 1:01 pm
You’re right. The Onion rules. The Jenna Bush headline gets my vote.
September 6, 2013 at 8:47 am
I’m not really a cat person, but I love the kitten headline. Cracked me up. They seem like a shady species.
September 16, 2013 at 3:23 am
To this day I can not read out aloud the classic Onion article, “Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot”, without laughing so hard that tears stream down my face.