Well, the fourth of July is coming up, and you know what that means: that on Thursday people all over these United States will only have five more days until my birthday!
But it’s also Independence Day. And whether you’re planning a get-together or just wanting to enjoy the fireworks with friends and family, there are a few simple tips to making the holiday a success.
If you wish to throw them in the garbage with all your strength, that’s acceptable.
How to make deviled eggs: boil the eggs for 15-20 minutes. Immediately plunge them in cold water for 2-3 minutes. Then, peel carefully; as you peel, the egg will then rip apart like wet tissue paper with the peel. Hurl profanities at the eggs and throw them in the trash. Serve something besides deviled eggs.
Barbecuing the perfect steak: Marinate the entire cow for at least 6 months until you’re ready to grill. Pre-heat the barbecue for approximately 3 days. The grill itself should be glowing red, and any surfaces within 4 feet of the barbecue should be disturbingly warm to the touch. Carve the steaks and grill them for approximately 18 seconds. Also recommended: Keep a tazer close by to blast the waves of men who will come over to tell you you’re not doing it right.
“Oh, I’m sorry, is all this freedom BORING YOU??”
Showing your patriotism: Obviously, you want a flag measuring at least 75 feet by 125 feet. Also, blaring patriotic music around the clock is useful. Finally, though, give that extra touch of national pride by breaking in to the neighbors homes in the dead of night jump on them in their beds screaming, “WHERE ARE YOUR FLAGS?? WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING?? ARE YOU TIRED OF AMERICA??!!”
Setting off fireworks: Obviously, there’s absolutely no downside to mixing intoxicants, drought conditions, and explosives, so the guiding principle here is: Light ‘em up!! Model your personal show after the big, community fireworks shows: Some familiar stuff. Some surprises. And then the big finale: get 8 or 9 Costco fireworks packages – maybe some illegal stuff – and duct tape it all together, then hit it with a blow torch! I can guarantee that no one will be thinking about trying to follow that act!
Drinking responsibly: Oh yeah, King George would love that, wouldn’t he.
The Byronic Man 
July 1, 2013 at 3:06 am
Hahahaha I found out today that I live in one of the only two areas where you can legally purchase and set off fireworks in Australia! I might have to go fireworks shopping…
July 1, 2013 at 7:13 am
Really? I would think Australia would be al over fireworks. Maybe they’re illegal because they aren’t dangerous enough for the average Australian?
July 7, 2013 at 3:58 am
Hahahaha. Australia’s not that dangerous! Look how many of us survive it on a daily basis!
July 1, 2013 at 3:51 am
I’m almost afraid to ask how Sexy Stalin might throw a Fourth of July party.
July 1, 2013 at 7:14 am
It would mostly involve forcing everyone to give him their independence.
July 1, 2013 at 8:42 am
In Soviet Russia, party throws you!
July 1, 2013 at 3:55 am
Nothing says Happy Birthday USA like watching my beer filled neighbor setting off fireworks from his deck that is a spark away from being an inferno. I may needed to be medicated this year.
July 1, 2013 at 7:18 am
I think Homeland Security should just drive around and spot check people. “No, sorry. You’re awful. No fireworks for you.”
July 1, 2013 at 8:57 am
Oh, now there’s a job I would enjoy. I already have a list!
July 1, 2013 at 4:47 am
Brings to mind one particularly combustible 4th here – walked out into the backyard into smoke, dense smoke, from all the fireworks in the neighborhood. The smoke was so thick I couldn’t see the firestation next door. I see you didn’t write about the pre-4th of July fireworks. Why do some people have to get a head start on the festivities? Is practice needed in lighting those incendiary devices?
July 1, 2013 at 7:19 am
I take deep breaths during the pre-4th fireworks. It’s irritating, and misses the point, but I try and let it go. It’s on the 5th that I want to freak out.
That being said – IT’S NOT THE HOLIDAY, YET! STOP SHOOTING FIREWORKS!
July 1, 2013 at 8:23 am
Last night I thought someone was out hunting in our woods in the dead of night, I kept hearing popping. I was scared there was some Deliverance or Armageddon thing going on. Then I remembered that it is Independence SEASON for the townies across the water. Wait a couple of days, pe-o-ple!
July 1, 2013 at 10:27 am
Same here!
Then I noticed that this is Canada Day. Maybe the folks in my neighborhood were celebrating Canada. Right.
July 1, 2013 at 10:45 am
That must be it, eh?
July 1, 2013 at 4:47 am
I’ve been reading on the internet. When the eggs are boiled, simply set them in ice water for a few minutes. It doesn’t help all that much, but at least you won’t burn your fingers when you fling them at the wall.
July 1, 2013 at 7:21 am
I’ve decided that when someone brings you a plate of 12 hard-boiled eggs, it’s because they start with 145, and this is how many turned out.
July 1, 2013 at 8:24 am
When they bring you egg salad they started with intentions for deviled eggs, and then your picture happened.
July 1, 2013 at 4:58 am
I’m Holiday-adverse, and this holiday is one of my least favorites. All the parties, all those eggs (deviled or not) and flesh-grilling activities (grilling or fire-working) are just not the things a highly sensitive vegan can tolerate. (And I’m just talking about my poor little dog Scrappy who cowers at the BOOM BOOM BOOMing in the atmosphere (flatulence from aforementioned eggs and flesh consumption or fireworks–take your pick).
I think I’ll pop on over to Canada…They have caves there, right? 😉
July 1, 2013 at 7:22 am
This will be the first 4th for our baby. I’m sure she’ll really enjoy the fireworks… Who doesn’t like being woken by explosions?
July 1, 2013 at 10:42 am
Congrats on being a papa. I hope your little girl isn’t highly sensitive like me. She won’t like fireworks or gunshots, which is a good thing!
July 2, 2013 at 6:28 am
There’s a small chance that she won’t notice them, particularly if she’s already deeply sleeping when they start. We even took our little ones to actual fireworks shows, and the noise didn’t bother them until they were toddlers. *shrug* Who knows? Good luck with it, though! 🙂 I seem to recall a post you made about the 4th a year or two ago maybe in which you pointed out the challenges of celebrating the 4th across the street from some difficult neighbors.
July 1, 2013 at 5:01 am
I’d save the deviled eggs. If your taser runs out of power, maybe the deviled eggs could serve as a backup.
July 1, 2013 at 7:26 am
Don’t deviled-egg me, bro!
July 1, 2013 at 5:09 am
I am one of the least patriotic Americans you’re likely to meet, I loathe the heat of summer, and I’m not a fan of crowds (or deviled eggs), so Fourth of July is not my favorite day of the year.
Although I really, REALLY want to scream at someone, “WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING?? ARE YOU TIRED OF AMERICA??!!”
July 1, 2013 at 7:29 am
I wonder what Independence Day would be like if it fell in, say, February? I wonder if that’s why those holidays always seem to fall in warmer months… hm…
July 1, 2013 at 5:25 am
OMG I have been doing so many things so wrong for such a long period…Thank you so much you have made Barbecuing so easy 🙂
July 1, 2013 at 7:27 am
Well, and in India it’s especially easy, because the cows have already achieved the highest level of consciousness!
July 1, 2013 at 5:26 am
Well you know what you’re doing wrong with those deviled eggs… Ha. Oh. I laughed and laughed and laughed at that picture/capture.
July 1, 2013 at 7:34 am
When eggs come apart like that while you peel them, it’s like the express lane to rage and insanity. It’s up there with computer freezes and people going out of turn at 4-way stops.
July 1, 2013 at 5:35 am
In my neighborhood, I have one set of neighbors that set off fireworks for every single holiday. Every. Single. One. Mother’s Day? Fireworks!! Easter? Fireworks!!! Thanksgiving? Fireworks!!!!! Arbor Day? Mother F-ing FIREWORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, so I might be sort of over fireworks. I’m going to go to take a nap. If I can sleep through the noise, that is. Thanks a lot, B.
July 1, 2013 at 7:31 am
Some people really seem to cross over from “celebration” to “I am a broken shoe-lace away from being a serious threat to society.”
July 1, 2013 at 5:49 am
I love deviled eggs. My daughter makes the best deviled eggs. I hope she invites me over if she makes them. You aren’t supposed to use fireworks in the city of San Antonio but everyone does. My town home estate doesn’t allow them. I watch the city show on TV. It’s not the same as being there.
July 1, 2013 at 7:33 am
I never seem to get full from deviled eggs. It’s weird.
“Would you like to eat 12 hard-boiled eggs?” “No, of course not. Gross.”
“Did you just eat this entire plate of deviled eggs?” “Yes, of course. Obviously.”
July 1, 2013 at 6:02 am
The Fourth is my favorite of the whole year, so all I have to do is add beer and I’m set.
July 1, 2013 at 7:30 am
Beer? On the 4th of July? Huh. I might have to try that…
July 1, 2013 at 6:52 am
We will celebrate the fourth getting bitten by mosquitoes all day and night. When we smash them on our skin our entire body becomes red, white and blue-black. I feel so deeply American.
Add some white vinegar to the water when you boil the eggs. It will smell likeEaster and the shells will come right off.
July 1, 2013 at 7:37 am
We’re going up to the lake where my wife’s dad works for a few days, and taking the baby. This lake is like the federal reserve for America’s mosquitoes. I’m planning to put the baby in a little bee-keeper suit the whole time.
July 1, 2013 at 7:47 am
Ooh can you get me one? A little bit larger, though!
July 1, 2013 at 7:08 am
Hilarious! I will be at a camp with about 400 other people but some of those ideas may still work well!
July 1, 2013 at 7:51 am
Thank you for this handy guide, it all sounds easy enough to follow. Except: what is patriotic music?
July 1, 2013 at 12:23 pm
http://youtu.be/Q65KZIqay4E <— this is patriotic music. Put it on repeat; gain all the respect from neighbors.
July 1, 2013 at 9:33 pm
OMG that’s just too much. I guess I’ll go through life without the respect of my neighbors (if I ever get to live in the USA that is) 😉
July 1, 2013 at 7:57 am
This was very useful! You should cooking tips more often. As for July 1st through 7th, I will add one more daily chore to my list which will be standing outside for a really long time with a water hose to drench my house and flood my yard in preparation for an entire annoying week of other people’s illegal (huh?) fireworks fun…there will be beer, but safety first!
July 1, 2013 at 8:25 am
We’ll be traveling on the 4th, so we have a legal dispensation to set off loud, dangerous incendiary devices on the 5th, 6th and 7th. Deal with it.
July 1, 2013 at 8:46 am
I live in NJ. Even sparklers are illegal here.
July 1, 2013 at 10:18 am
im not sure if it’s because i live in the desert (the mojave -needles, calif.) but other than the shows, there really isn’t all that much fireworks. there were a few set off for high school graduation (it’s a small town everything deserves a lil fireworks display haha). as for deviled eggs – i’ve never even bothered trying, i like my sanity. unfortunately i don’t have a grill but should i ever live in a place where there are more fireworks and i have a grill, i’ll be sure to refer to this handy guide. lots of great advice here 🙂 *p.s. – loved reading the comments almost as much as the guide itself
July 1, 2013 at 1:02 pm
I’ll definitely be trying the deviled-egg receipe!
July 1, 2013 at 3:16 pm
Ah yes. Exactly the kind of party my brother-in-law has exposed me to every 4th of July since he married my sister and whisked her away to the good old US of A. Cross border families are so much fun.
July 1, 2013 at 7:50 pm
May your house withstand another celebration of the Fourth of July!
July 1, 2013 at 8:30 pm
Why do they call them deviled eggs? Because you must have made a deal with satan to have the dexterity to be able to make them. Otherwise it is simply impossible.
July 1, 2013 at 11:32 pm
I wish more people would use your deviled eggs recipe. I hate deviled eggs.
July 2, 2013 at 4:22 am
Awesome……..Just Awesome Share.I love it.Looking forward for more.Alex,Thanks.
July 2, 2013 at 5:00 am
“are you TIRED of America?” made me snort and choke on my cereal this morning.
Fireworks are finally legal here in Maine. I’d much prefer lighting my deviled eggs on fire then chucking them at family members.
I made the mistake of making deviled eggs one holiday about 10 years ago, so now for every single goddamed holiday my mom says, “You making the eggs? You gonna make your eggs? Huh? We love your eggs!” I can feel the steam rising until I just snap and yell “You want deviled eggs? You think it’s so easy to make them, huh? Well, YOU MAKE THEM! THEY ARE THE DEVIL! I HATE (insert holiday here)! GAH!”
July 2, 2013 at 7:43 pm
Sooo true and sooo funny. I actually succeeded at deviled eggs once. Talk about a thankless job … all that work and they were scarfed down in a nanosecond without so much as a chorus of praise from the unworthy guests. Ingrates! Ha. Let them eat cheap franks. Ha.
July 3, 2013 at 6:02 am
Older eggs (2 weeks or so) will peel better. Please god, no miracle whip in the devil. 🙂
July 3, 2013 at 6:46 pm
Reblogged this on SERENDIPITY and commented:
This is the funniest piece on our traditional celebration of Independence Day I’ve read in years. Love it. Had to reblog it.
July 4, 2013 at 3:05 am
Not enough time to hit the “like” button as much as I would like to like your post. Sent here by Teepee12 (above), her comment is above mine, that is, not like she is above me or in the sky or anything…
Thank you,
patti