**This is a continuation of the story that begins here. I’d highly recommend reading that first to be caught up. It won’t take that long, I promise.
So…
The lead actress and the director arrived at last. She wasn’t really speaking because she’d lost her voice that morning and was going to have to croak, painfully, through her lines and overdub them later. After some very quick introductions and pleasantries, I – in the interest of self-preservation – got right to asking if she’d had much training in stage fighting. She said:
No experience. She was apparently a lead actress of the classical mold – meaning her lack of acting training was unimportant because she had a terrific body. This is not to slight her natural acting ability (I didn’t really get to see it), but I began trying to think of how to teach stage fighting in 10 minutes. I also began to see the process in motion behind the scenes. And so I got concerned.
Or I thought I did.
Because then the producer said:
“Real quick”? 90 minutes after start time and now you’re going to shoot an entire other scene “real quick”? And I don’t want to unfairly trash the production – anything like this involves a lot of adaptation to the unexpected… but my day was slipping away. And there seemed to be a lot more adaptation than original plan.
And I was concerned. Or… I thought I was.
Because we hadn’t had to call the paramedics yet.
Literally seconds after the director called for places, the other actor leaned over in his chair, muttered, “Oh God”…
And collapsed down to the floor.
Everyone reacted how people always react – they stood up and all began shouting “Someone call 911!” without doing anything. I pointed at someone and said:
He was conscious and mostly coherent; he was complaining of nausea and light-headedness, but no tightness or stabbing pain so I don’t think it was a heart attack.
The paramedics came and said his blood pressure was extremely low, so they took him to the hospital. *(I’d find out later that he’s okay)*
Adapting once again, I was upgraded back to “government agent,” from “drunk at bar who gets beat up – possibly for real,” thus narrowly avoiding the stage fight, and the probable need for those paramedics to make a quick u-turn back to the set.
We shot the scene, and at this point the lead’s voice was basically gone. I was particularly proud of my portrayal of “man who is not traumatized by how painful it sounds for the lead actress to speak.”
We finished – with only a minor hiccup when the shooting lights blew the fuses in the place – and they thanked me. I asked:
I asked, as politely as I could, if I could get paid. The director said with all the craziness he didn’t have the money, and wasn’t able to pay me then. He said he’d send me a check as soon as he got organized.
And that… is when I got concerned.
The Byronic Man 
June 6, 2013 at 4:06 am
Gripping story, excellent build-up and very well illustrated! And with all that, we can only hope your scene doesn’t get cut. Or should it? 😉
June 6, 2013 at 8:45 am
Thanks – I’m particularly pleased with the health-food guy. I want to make him a character in something.
June 6, 2013 at 10:18 am
YES. Something about him reminds me of the character I love in the CYOA series (whatshisface… you know who I mean).
June 6, 2013 at 4:33 am
Oh, NO! I hope you get paid!
For a moment there, I was imagining terrible disco music beginning to play in the background.
June 6, 2013 at 8:46 am
I’m about 50/50 on whether I will or not. It’s certainly not unheard of in these situations for people to just never get around to it, or for the finances to “suddenly dry up.”
June 6, 2013 at 5:03 am
DESPITE the fact that you didn’t get your butt kicked, I still loved this. “Lozenge…lozenge…lozenge…” Ha!
Who needs a paycheck when you get a blog post -posts!- out of it?
June 6, 2013 at 8:42 am
It is a handy silver lining to take with you wherever you go, isn’t it? “Blog fodder. It’s blog fodder.”
June 6, 2013 at 5:22 am
Is this for real? WOWWWW… Um, you deserve to be paid. If not for your acting skills, then for all the crap they put you through. Jeez.
June 6, 2013 at 8:47 am
Obviously, things like this vary a lot depending on the size of a production, but yes… yes – I’d say getting paid is a reasonable hope. We’ll see.
June 6, 2013 at 5:42 am
I believe you should be compensated not only for your obviously stellar acting skills, but for your services as a medical professional during that medical emergency. That’s at least like five more bucks than originally promised, I assume.
June 6, 2013 at 8:50 am
I’m putting it on my resume – “excellent 911 reaction skills. Also: stick figure portraits on request.”
June 6, 2013 at 5:52 am
You certainly should have been compensated. You had acting skills PLUS medical skills. Two for the price of one. They got a bargain. Plus you have mad artistic skills.
June 6, 2013 at 8:51 am
I’m trying to think of the blog entries as payment… otherwise I have a feeling I may get crabby about the whole thing.
June 6, 2013 at 6:14 am
Based on the rest of this story, I’m surprised you didn’t get paid in Monopoly money. Still, I believe you came out ahead.
June 6, 2013 at 8:49 am
I did stand-up once for a “TV show” that a group was putting together and it was so pathetic and ramshackle that even as I was performing and getting filmed I kept thinking, “If this gets aired, it will be in a country that ends with ‘-stan,’ and if I get paid, it will be in their currency.
June 6, 2013 at 8:51 am
THAT’S why you look familiar!! Ah, deployment memories…
June 6, 2013 at 6:28 am
I wish I was the kind of person who would have just left. But I’m too nice, and I would have been there when they finally showed up too. And then not get paid. I hope you see the money! Maybe it’ll come quicker than you think, like in 6 months.
June 6, 2013 at 8:52 am
6 months would be nice. By then I’d have forgotten, and it’d seem like, “Hey! Free money!”
June 6, 2013 at 7:16 am
In the interest of total honesty, I ask that you reconsider the brain ratios shown in the “response to crisis” panel. C’mon – you can tell us. Because only decades of being concerned with what other people would think of me, would have kept me from shouting the pea-sized brain response.
I think your concern at the end was warranted.
June 6, 2013 at 8:58 am
It was maybe a slightly larger portion of my brain than depicted there.
June 6, 2013 at 7:54 am
I think this is the part in King Lear when the king meets Edgar disguised as the madman.
June 13, 2013 at 12:27 pm
I’m glad you changed this into a Shakespeare adaptation. Maybe someone should do a variation on Hamlet?
June 6, 2013 at 8:14 am
I’m not sure what the title of this web series is called. But, maybe it should be changed to: “Everything went wrong!”
June 6, 2013 at 9:40 am
Bravissimo! Encore, encore!
June 6, 2013 at 11:53 am
If there’s any justice in the world, the health food guy will wind up in the fight scene with the untrained actress.
I hope you get paid.
June 7, 2013 at 6:13 am
I would pay to see that scene.
June 6, 2013 at 12:46 pm
The nutrition liason guy’s mouth looks like a banana. I’ve been mentally referring to him as Bananamouth since your previous post on him. If you make him a recurring character, I vote for that being his name. 🙂
June 6, 2013 at 4:36 pm
No need for concern. I’m sure the check is in the mail. Or at least a few carbon tablets to help leach the toxins out of your system, courtesy of Mr. NutriSystem.
June 6, 2013 at 9:33 pm
Maybe they thought that not being kicked to the groin is compensation enough…
I’ve never done any paid acting gigs myself, but isn’t it standard to find out whether it’s a paid job, and how much, before doing it? Or that’s a standard, but not a guarantee of any promised payment?
June 7, 2013 at 1:31 am
I love this story! I’ve been wondering about the “And I was concerned. Or I thought I was…” parts all the way through it, and you brought it all together in the end!
Have you thought about doing a collection/book of all your stick figures??
June 7, 2013 at 6:15 am
Sure you may never see a dime from this….but we get to see some pretty cool drawings! Yeah!! And that’s all that matters, right? Eh? No? (your drawings were most excellent…I especially loved the expression on your face in the second one, that’s my go-to expression)
June 7, 2013 at 7:57 am
Gonad Crunch Averted! (I think this is all the payment you’ll ever get).
I’m with the rest of the gang here. Banana Mouth and Squeaky Hot Babe deserve a CYOA story. We’re waiting…
June 7, 2013 at 5:59 pm
I just KNEW it was going to end without a paycheck. I’ve just had so many of these jobs. You just know how it’s going to end. But we do it anyway. Like my dogs. We always think there’s a biscuit out there somewhere and we’re going to get it.
June 8, 2013 at 11:29 am
So, wait. The guys with the heads. Is there a sideswept-like-Vincent-Kartheiser-in-Mad-Man hair thing happening there? Or is it just a stylistic, devil-may-care attitude toward closing a circle (which I am not condemning)? I need to know your motivation.
June 9, 2013 at 9:05 am
It seems you may have been lucky to get out alive. I think I might have paid them to let me leave.
June 10, 2013 at 12:57 am
Oh lordy… Honestly I’m surprised you didn’t pay them just to let you get away from the irritating (even as a stick figure) nutrition guy!
June 13, 2013 at 8:43 pm
i feel guilty for laughing to the point of tears at your “pain” but this was hilarious. the stick figures are probably my favorite. it’s clear you were a stand up comic at one point because your timing is excellent! having read through a few items on here, i’ll be sure to follow. i love the humor. im sorry it was such a rough day and i hope you got paid, or will. p.s. – definitely consider “thinning” out the “shuttle 6” story – it’s totally hollywood bound. 🙂
June 14, 2013 at 6:51 am
Yeah, so far no money. They did ask me to work on the show more, but I’ve been a bit slow getting on that opportunity.
June 14, 2013 at 8:42 am
lol yes i can’t say i blame you. i think after all that fiasco i wouldn’t be so apt to continue either.
July 23, 2015 at 6:08 pm
Reblogged this on B-Movies In A Book.