I had an idea. An idea that bubbled up from some terrible dark place. It was an idea for my own award, which I am introducing today, in hopes that people will connect with it, and pass along their own winners.
The basis of the Jafees is blogs that do something, or have some component, or method, or even something in a single post that you saw and thought, “I wish I’d done that so badly I kind of hate them right now. God DAMN IT, I wish I’d done that.”
Yes, it’s the Jafees: the “Jealous-As-Fuck” awards!
How it works: you simply list 5-7 blogs who’ve done the thing you’re so jealous of, explaining it, and linking to the site/post. The key is that these posts or sites have something that actually drove you beyond appreciation to a borderline unhealthy reaction.
If you win a Jafee, you’re under no obligation to do anything at all. Here’s the button though, suitable for printing, laminating, and framing. Or putting on your site. Or whatever.
So can you award some Jafees? Hell yes, you can! You can even call them the “Jealous-As-F***” awards! pass ’em on!
But here’s mine:
Though this list is by no means comprehensive, the winners, in no particular order, of the first round of Jafees for The Byronic Man are…
List Of X: This is such a great idea for a blog, and such a catchy name. Each post is a list of ten things (X? 10? Eh? Eh?), satirizing current events. This is so damned clever and gives you such a clear framework for people to know what to look for from your site. Damn it, that’s a good idea. DAMN IT.
I’m over it, Johnson. I’ve moved on. *sniff*
The Good Greatsby: I’ve have so many instances of Greatsby doing something I was thinking about doing, then doing it first and better, that I started to suspect he had cameras in my house. (Note: not really) If you read some of the earliest entries of my blog, I was planning to do a persona akin to the character Steve Martin perfected in the ‘70s: the way-too-confident performer who believes he’s amazing, yet is incompetent. I abandoned it when I saw how well Greatsby was doing it; I felt like I’d be, at best, imitating. To be clear, I’m referring to the character of Greatsby, not Paul Johnson, the author. But that was only the beginning. Ideas for posts. I made a new banner? He made a new banner that was way better. I was even planning to do a recurring joke on an obsessive crush on an actress… and he did the gimmick first with that very actress!
Go Jules Go. Yes, Jules and I are good friends. I’m not including her to be nice. Her site is consistently funny and clever, and companies send her ‘stache-glasses gratis, and she can organize a giveaway like nothing I’ve ever seen. But there was one post, about winning blog awards in fact, in which she weeps with joy at “winning” that just made me angry that I hadn’t thought of doing that, and thought of it first. And I’ll link to it as soon as I find it again…
“I wonder if I’ve gotten any hits…”
A Clown On Fire: Holy crap does this guy know how to promote and create online community. This is a man who knows that you’re selling the sizzle, not the steak. And I in no way mean this as a back-handed compliment; the steak Le Clown is serving is excellent. But I am awful at promoting myself and my stuff. My failures at promotion would be legendary, except for my inability to promote it. Sometimes I think “Okay! This is it! Get ready world, because you’re about to get The Byronic Man shoved down your gullet like a tablespoon of pure cinnamon!” and then I re-tweet that I’ve got a new post up and run and hide under a blanket, sure that I must seem like some kind of egomaniac. Le Clown is fantastic at bringing people in and making them feel connected, and at keeping himself on the radar. One example: his gravatar is clever, apt and jumps out of the screen. Look at any post he’s “liked.” Any. Doesn’t matter if 75 people have liked it, look at the array of gravatars for 1 second and his will be the one that pops out. List of X has a ridiculously eye-catching gravatar, too.
K8edid. She had this “7 Deadly Sins” short story competition (well, 7 competitions) that was just inspired. In fact, it inspired me to punch my brain for not thinking of it.
See? I’ve touched on it before. SEE?!
Hyperbole and A Half. Yes, I realize this is, literally, one of the most popular blogs in the world. That’s actually down on the list of why I’m so jealous of this site. Top reasons: First, her drawings. I had intended to do my stick figure posts here almost since the beginning, then didn’t (for more than a year) for fear of seeming like I was imitating. Second, she recently did a remarkable post on depression. I use humor as a defense mechanism to keep people from getting to know me. Don’t believe me? Check out my “Get To Know Me” page, in which I spend the first half telling obvious lies – on my get to know me page. I’ve been working up the courage to do a stick-figure post about my life-long struggles with depression, and even have a draft… and now I CAN’T. The kicker is that she lives in the same town I do. I can’t even pretend I’m the most popular blogger in my zip code. It’s a little like playing in a band you’re pretty pleased with, and every time you play bars you get a good turn out… but Bono lives down the street.
The Byronic Man 
May 13, 2013 at 3:37 am
Got the blogs I didn’t already subscribe to (from your blogroll), lined up to check out. Good to have great stuff.
May 13, 2013 at 1:10 pm
Excellent.
May 13, 2013 at 4:36 am
I am extremely jealous right now that you thought of these awards. Thanks for nothing, B-man. (off to stew in my envy juices now….)
I agree with all your nominations. Brilliant, the whole lot of them. Sigh. Why can’t everyone in the blogging would just suck? It’s not fair.
May 13, 2013 at 11:42 am
I would personally like to go through history hand-picking things I like and steal them all for myself. “Coming soon: Pulp Fiction, a new film by the man who brought us Nevermind, Sometimes A Great Notion, and Seinfeld!”
May 13, 2013 at 4:38 am
Great list of blogs, and I agree – JEALOUS. List of X is one of my newest follows and I love his stuff. Hyperbole and a Half has sadly been inactive for a few years. I need see where she posted she was alright, just dealing with stuff. A lot of bloggers were worried about her with that last post.
But, hey, good idea with the jealousy awards! Except I bet all those bloggers thought of it before you. Bummer. 😀
May 13, 2013 at 3:13 pm
I assumed she was working on her book, but apparently it was less happy than that.
May 13, 2013 at 4:53 am
Your JAFEE winners are all good. I especially like the List of X and LeClown. Those are my favs. I enjoy them. I don’t know if I’m jealous or just in awe.
May 13, 2013 at 3:14 pm
I’m always surprised more people haven’t heard of List Of X. Of course, now it’s had “The Byronic Bump,” so…
May 13, 2013 at 7:57 pm
It’s the second Byronic bump, actually – first time was being your featured blogger about a year ago. So thank you once again. I think I just suck at self-promotion: I can’t even get my parents to follow me. And WordPress had been hiding my blog from the tag reader, so that doesn’t help either.
May 13, 2013 at 4:54 am
Great idea. I find I’m more fueled by bitterness, anger and envy than anything else.
May 13, 2013 at 3:14 pm
It’s better than a cup of coffee!
May 13, 2013 at 5:00 am
I DO have something of a knack for giveaways, don’t I? And gosh, I am so blown just slightly to the left by this award! Thank you!
Seriously, though. I want to give YOU a Jafee for thinking of The Jafees. Going to make room on my
mantlesidebar right now!P.S. – Don’t forget to check out my latest giveaway! Happening right now!
P.P.S. – Le Clown. Le Clown. How does he do it?!?!
May 13, 2013 at 6:51 am
Jules,
I have a team of writers. 17 they are, in my head. They never shut up.
Le Clown
May 13, 2013 at 3:15 pm
Well, you certainly COULD give me a Jafee if you wanted to… or anyone else… or me…
May 13, 2013 at 5:04 am
Good stuff B man. You’ve done a couple things that I’ve had to pan so as not to look like a copy cat too. jerk. Lol.
May 14, 2013 at 6:05 am
If I can ruin just one bloggers day, I know it’s all been worth it.
May 13, 2013 at 5:27 am
I know as I write this, before getting in the car for the long commute,that I’m going to have a very busy week and probably not much time to think on this. The nomination that comes instantly to mind is this here blog of excellence.
Every time you click the publish button, I experience this swirl of excitement, anticipation, and oh-man-I-wish-I-could-be-that-good. Honest. That choose-your-own-adventure thing? Genius.
Great idea. . . and it’s time for me to give in to the lure of List of X!
Ok, I’m out of hyphens and elipses. BFN.
May 13, 2013 at 8:00 pm
Please know that there’s absolutely no pressure from me for you to give in, none whatsoever… But, as you know, The Byronic Man’s recommendation is not something that can be discarded lightly.
May 14, 2013 at 6:07 am
Thanks for saying so, that’s very kind. And like all genius, the “choose your own adventure” is sure not appreciated in its time (I know I’ve complained about this before I promise to stop just shortly after the gripe about it I’m planning for my obituary).
May 13, 2013 at 5:32 am
Dude, you are pretty high on my list. Just sayin’.
May 14, 2013 at 6:08 am
Thanks – you’ve had no shortage of “DAMN IT” moments for me, as well.
May 14, 2013 at 8:58 am
Aw, screw you! 😉 I love the way you lie.
May 13, 2013 at 6:04 am
Thanks for nothing, B-Man. I’m very conflicted right now. As a blogger, I totally get what you’ve done and love the idea. But as a Buddhist, envy is not at all a wholesome quality to encourage. What to do? What to do? I think I’ll go meditate…
May 13, 2013 at 6:30 am
Here’s my theory: Moderation in all things, right? Well, that has to include moderation in moderation. So that means periodically going to extremes, and what better extreme than appreciation?
I… I might be the Buddha. Or at least executive vice-buddha.
May 13, 2013 at 7:17 am
Well, the Buddha said it is wise to walk the Middle Path (moderation), so, maybe you were at the conference and are the VB (vice-Buddha)–and all that the title suggests… 😉
May 13, 2013 at 6:26 am
This is a great list! Each and every one of them deserve the honour you have bestowed upon them. By the way, I have often thought that you and The Good Greatsby were one and the same.
May 14, 2013 at 6:10 am
I think we have very similar senses of humor and parody. He definitely found his ‘voice’ faster.
May 13, 2013 at 6:48 am
The Byronic Man,
I suck at giving sincere thanks without sounding like I’m kissing ass, as I excel at kissing ass on any given day, especially when it comes to mine. Yours is also a pretty one, which makes it easier to kiss.
(Hyperbole and A Half‘s post on depression was a humbling reading experience. I might even name my next kid, if ever there is another one, Hyperbole and A Half).
I suck at keeping focus, and the focus here is the Jafees. I (Eric) play a loudmouth (Le Clown) on WordPress. I am also a ball of emotion which would make James T Kirk look as stoic as Kristen Stewart‘s face. Focus, Eric, focus.
I sincerely thank you? Would that suffice? I’d add a very, or a very very, but an unaccompanied thank you packs a bigger punch.
Joel, you are intimidatingly good. And that is good, as intimidatingly good bloggers motivate me to write better. This isn’t ass kissing. And this is as much focus as I can keep. Let’s call it a day.
Le Clown
PS: I prefer Buffy over Angel, and Angel over Bones, and Zooey Deschanel over Emily. If I’d have any DVDs to sort out, they would all be piled up, first-come, first-served. Focus is an issue.
May 14, 2013 at 6:19 am
Thanks, I hear you on that front. Online is a terrible forum for masculine sincerity (i.e. avoiding eye-contact; saying, “Ah, get outta here, you son of a bitch” while slugging someone on a shoulder; and then buying a beer).
That’s the more rainbows and puppies side of the Jafees – when I turn around and use the jealousy to inspire me. My biggest post ever came about that way – Sweet Mother wrote a post and I was SO MAD that I didn’t think of it first and used it to brainstorm ‘so what about it do you wish you’d done?’ which became my “Open Letter To The Person Who Un-Followed Me” (… he said as if that’s famous…)
P.S. My wife prefers David Boreanaz over everything.
May 13, 2013 at 7:21 am
This is a great way to find new blogs to follow, thank you!
May 14, 2013 at 6:20 am
Well, please feel free to pass it along.
May 13, 2013 at 8:26 am
Oh, B-Man. I am so honored. I have been quite ill – like in the hospital for 2 weeks in Intensive Care with major surgery and today was my first day back to WordPress. What a delightful award! I just want you to know that the feeling is mutual – I resent the hell out of you, too. Your caption contests, create your own adventures and fantastically expressive stick figure stories are just the tip of the talent iceberg that is Byronic Man. I am hoping that over the next few weeks of recuperation I can catch up on my reading and pass this award on to some deserving bloggers. Thank you.
May 13, 2013 at 5:50 pm
Glad you’re on the mend, Katy! We’ve missed you.
May 14, 2013 at 6:21 am
Yikes – that’s horrible. Well, I’m glad you might be on the upswing. And thanks for the kind words. Now if I could just have that Deadly Sins contest? Thanks.
May 15, 2013 at 2:49 pm
Katy! So nice to see your smiling avatar again! Hope you’re feeling better soon. By the way, did I mention that, while I love you dearly, I also resent the hell out of you? You’re welcome.
May 13, 2013 at 9:32 am
Well, there you go again. And now I’m once again Jealous as Fuck of you, my friend. Bravo . . . I guess. :p
And seriously, as to the Hyperbole and a Half post . . . I forwarded that and one of the Bloggess’ posts to my hubs as an explanatory attempt. Except for the suicidal part, but yeah, she is just too good.
May 14, 2013 at 8:08 am
Well, I’ll always have the creepily sexual pen holder to remind me of the good times between us.
May 13, 2013 at 10:10 am
TBM –
(An acronym which is you, and also stands for Theater Ballistic Missile) –
Great Idea, man. That means I’d pick you as a JAFee, mainly for your interview series. I also agree with your pick regarding LeClown. He’s like the Metallica of blogging, and I’m still in my garage figuring out how to plug my guitar into the amp.
–Rants
May 13, 2013 at 10:19 am
Rants,
Metallica circa Master of Puppets, right?
Le Clown
May 13, 2013 at 10:44 am
Yes, before they got douchey.
May 13, 2013 at 5:18 pm
Wait a minute! There was such thing as Pre-Douchey Metallica? I thought Metallica was Swedish for ‘Douche.’
May 13, 2013 at 5:49 pm
No. A long time ago in an MP3 player far, far away, Metallica played for the awesomesauciness of music itself and never sued their tribute bands for RIAA copyright infringement. They also had long hair. Sigh. Look to Disturbed, my child.
May 14, 2013 at 8:09 am
Once a band has released “Metallica Monopoly” it can be hard to remember that they ever deserved to be taken seriously.
May 14, 2013 at 9:39 am
Like, as in… the Game? Oh my goodness. I should do a, UndercoverL Monopoly. It could feature failed ventures instead of properties. Oh game on. Game. On. You are brilliant!
May 14, 2013 at 8:10 am
I like to think that a Theater Ballistic Missile is for use on productions of “Cats” and “Rent”.
I remember the first time I heard “For Whom The Bell Tolls” and it was the audio equivalent of eating an Oreo double-stuff for the first time. Like, “Ho. Ly. Shit. So THIS is why we’re alive.”
May 14, 2013 at 8:16 am
Agreed!
May 13, 2013 at 10:15 am
Jafees! I’m jealous that you even thought of that. No lie, I was considering creating my own super awesome award, not that I have any right/popularity to do so. And then there goes B-Man, just stealing that marvelous idea.
Mine wouldn’t have had such a cool name though, so kudos.
May 13, 2013 at 5:17 pm
My DIY award crashed and burned worse than the Hindenburg…. ‘cept no one, like, died or anything.
May 14, 2013 at 8:11 am
I’m still wracked with guilt over being nominated for various blogging awards – by people such as yourself – and never doing anything with it…
May 14, 2013 at 8:20 am
Well considering you probably get a new one every day, it’s understandable. I, on the other hand, have no excuse for ignoring the award rules, other than the fact that I dislike award rules…
May 13, 2013 at 10:58 am
Damn! Wish I’d thought of creating a Jafee! So clever, I’m border line fucking jealous. I nominate Byronic Man.
May 14, 2013 at 8:14 am
Well, you’re more than welcome to create your own!
May 13, 2013 at 12:23 pm
In the rather unique situation of resenting not being resented.
But putting the issue of crippling jealousy aside, these are all fantastic choices. I’d have to slap a Jaffee on you, b-man. Slap you right across the face with it, as a matter of fact.
May 13, 2013 at 5:15 pm
You stole the words off my finger tips. I resent YOU, pegoleg… damn your Freshly Pegged bestowals! Hahahaha
May 14, 2013 at 8:14 am
You know, I generally avoid the whole awards thing precisely because it always feels like they carry the implication of “And not anyone else” which drives me nuts. You can’t have inclusion without exclusion. But then I’d written the post, and it was late and I wanted to go to bed, so I just hoped for the best.
Because, trust me, the “Freshly Pegged” idea is the envy of everyone who knows about it. You are bitterly, bitterly resented. Have faith in that.
May 15, 2013 at 2:50 pm
Thank you. Earning the animosity of my fellow bloggers means a lot to me.
May 13, 2013 at 1:15 pm
Hmmmm…the Jafees are a great idea, but my black little heart wants the Schadenfreudewards to celebrate when awful things happen to really good blogs. Like when famous writers get busted for plagiarism.
May 14, 2013 at 8:16 am
Unfortunately it’s pretty rare, it seems like, that karma works out that tidily.
May 13, 2013 at 5:13 pm
Well THANK heaven I will never be at risk for getting this award. Now if you had a Sh*ttiest Blog Ever Award, I would get that more often than a whore gets crabs. Oh… was that passe?
May 14, 2013 at 8:18 am
Oh, no – whores with crabs will never go out of style. It’s classically elegant – like linen suits.
May 14, 2013 at 9:40 am
LOL! My husband has a linen suit! (He doesn’t wear it… often…. enough.)
May 13, 2013 at 5:31 pm
I, too, experienced a bubbling up from some terrible dark place. But it was just my fountain pop.
May 14, 2013 at 8:20 am
It can be easy to get them confused. “Is this my terrible wrath boiling forth from my twisted soul?” *buurrrrp* “Oh. Phoo. That’s better!”
May 13, 2013 at 5:45 pm
I was bummed that I didn’t make the cut, but my spirits were lifted when I saw that I had a new follower. His name is Britishthermopanewindowsatdiscountprices. I’m back to being bummed.
May 13, 2013 at 5:49 pm
For the record, your choices were all great. It’s especially nice to List of X getting his due – he rocks, and his comments are always quality stuff.
May 13, 2013 at 8:04 pm
Quality stuff. (sorry, couldn’t help it…:) And thank you!)
May 14, 2013 at 3:24 am
My pleasure.
May 14, 2013 at 8:23 am
Oh, that thermopane chap is hi-LAR-ious!
And yeah, as I mentioned to someone else, I really hemmed & hawed about doing an award thing because I hate creating the sense of “And that’s it! If you’re not on the list, you’re NOTHING TO ME.” My real hope with it is that other people run with it, maybe give me credit for the idea, and I can go hide under my blanket again.
May 14, 2013 at 1:56 pm
That evil genius Omawarison posted his commencement speech rerlated post today and mine is only partially done. Even when I have fgood ideas, the evil geniuses beat me to the publish button, and out do what I would have posted anyway.
May 13, 2013 at 6:35 pm
I have to admit that I hate blogging awards, but any award with the word FUCK in it has to have some redeeming value!
May 14, 2013 at 8:24 am
I tend not to like them either. I finally gave in on creating this one because I felt like it had just enough crankiness and self-loathing in it to give it some personality. We’ll see if it was worth it.
May 13, 2013 at 7:49 pm
Thank you! This really is an honor to be the first Jafee winner (even if in no particular order)! Especially considering the caliber of all my fellow winners. I had no idea that you were jealous of me, but please know that the feeling is mutual. That supposedly great blog idea of mine is both a blessing and a curse: while you have complete freedom to post anything you can think of, my Procrustean blog idea ensures that many of my posts have to get shipped off to other blogs or don’t get developed at all. I can’t even finalize a blogroll, because my own blog keeps pressuring me to limit the list to just 10 blogs. But don’t worry, your blog will be on my blogroll, no matter how short or long it will end up to be. Also, if it makes you feel better, you have inspired me to do an eventual stick figure post of my own.
P.S. FYI, this post gave me the longest list of reasons for clicking “like”: a) liking the post, b) liking the award, c) acknowledging the receipt of the award, and d) testing the eye-catchiness of my gravatar.
May 14, 2013 at 8:26 am
I’ve thought of that: that the “10 Things” component would have to be maddening at times.
And you’re gravatar is infuriatingly eye-catching. Yours and Le Clown’s are what inspired me – in a short fit of self-promotion venturing – to redo mine with the “Super B” in the background.
May 14, 2013 at 9:14 pm
Honestly, the eye-catchiness of my gravatar is purely accidental, and it’s mostly a result of my poor picture-editing skills – unlike that of Le Clown: Guy Fawkes mask with the clown nose? Genius! When I created mine, I had no idea what I was doing, and the eye-catching effect wasn’t even in the back of my mind. I didn’t even realize there were other blogs on WordPress until more than a year after I began posting.
I’ve noticed your Super B banner. It looks pretty cool, but for some reason it made me think of Batman and Superman at the same time, probably because of that floodlight-over-a-cloud effect.
May 13, 2013 at 10:50 pm
The Good Greatsby and Hypberbole & A Half have long been on my list of admired (read: resented) blogs. Thanks for bringing them up and making me feel shitty about myself, B-Man. I appreciate the renewed sense of jealousy. 🙂
May 14, 2013 at 8:26 am
Hey, if awards aren’t for making people feel bad, what are they for?
May 14, 2013 at 9:46 am
love this, hyperbole and a half is my favourite ever and her depression posts were amazing. totes JAF.. sometimes i wonder if all bloggers arent a bit depressed, and thats why we choose the internet as our social medium! lots of great new blogs to follow!
May 15, 2013 at 5:16 am
Well I would just go ahead an elect you. Though your list is inspired and has some of my favorites on it, you belong there.
May 16, 2013 at 10:00 am
Oh no, now I feel like the comment I left you on Jule’s post was rubbing salt in the wound. I didn’t know Allie was your neighbour. Umm, friends? A little pepper with that salt? More stick figures, please! They’re hilarious.
May 17, 2013 at 9:20 am
Fabulous idea! Oh, those Jafees. How we love them and hate them.
May 19, 2013 at 6:32 am
I can’t believe you thought of actually making that blog award before I did, because for months I’ve thought “god, I wish I could be as funny and clever as the byronic man, instead of always so serious.” Oh well, if it ever rolls around to me from elsewhere, I’m giving it back to you! 🙂
May 20, 2013 at 5:05 pm
I’m absolutely thrilled to be a recipient of your jealousy. Sometimes I wonder why I keep blogging and whether it’s worth the effort, and then something like this happens and my motivation to make others feel inferior is completely rejuvenated.
May 20, 2013 at 6:10 pm
I love that you hate it so much… hahaha. I am sure those will be really interesting blogs to read and so is yours 🙂