The holidays – meant to be joyous and festive – can often turn stressful, despite our best intentions. Fortunately, there are a few simple tips for keeping things fun and stress-free this holiday season.
It can be easy to get swept up in to spending too much during the holidays. The trick is to budget: Determine how much you love each person on your list and spend that much. $ = Love.
Ideally a game where you shoot things.
If you’re having a large family gathering at your home, minimize your anxiety over family tensions by having a game or maybe some “pre-set” topics of conversation, or by hiding in the garage all evening, wrapped in a blanket, with a bottle of wine and a video game.
If you celebrate Christmas, avoid patting people on the head and saying, “Aw, that sounds swell” to people who celebrate other winter holidays.
Worried about calories this holiday season? Boy, that’s too bad.
Holiday shopping can be exhausting and stressful, especially at the crowded shopping malls. Reduce your stress by shopping with a friend. Like, maybe… Janice? Janet? No, Janice. You know… good old Janice… The one with the curly hair? And the, uh, ahem, the Handicap Parking sticker? I wonder what good old Janice is up to? You two should catch up! Perhaps do a little shopping!
Oh, look at the nice shirt Andrew wore, instead of a holiday sweater. Isn’t that nice. Thanks for the reminder, Andrew…
Avoid big problems by planning for dietary needs. Got someone who’s lactose-intolerant? Take a moment to eat cheese and pie and cream soup in front of them saying, “Mmmmmmm; you can’t eat this. Don’t forget. Mmmmmmmm.” Got a vegan? Be sure to have sack of, I don’t know, oats? Beets? Just be sure to take a moment to let them know that you’re all so impressed.
Make holiday shopping a breeze! Get everyone on your list a copy of “How To Learn Portuguese in 10 Days!” When they open it, say “What the hell? That’s not what I got you! Those idiots at that store where I bought this! Well, go ahead and exchange it for whatever you want.”
Putting up Christmas lights can be surprisingly frustrating. Before you open that box of old lights, take a deep breath, remind yourself it’s all about joy, and set fire to the box on the front lawn.
Clearly, Christmas is on the brink of disappearing forever.
When people get all freaky about THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS and look at you furiously and icily say, “Merry Christmas. And I mean, Merry Christmas” just daring you to reply “happy holidays,” it can be tempting to roll your eyes and sock them in the nose. But… so… probably… don’t…?
Consider moving somewhere where they don’t do any of this stuff. Somewhere tropical, maybe, where their holidays revolve around booze and dancing and nudity.
The Byronic Man 
November 26, 2012 at 3:17 am
I was horrified to find that my family figured out my years-old hiding spot in the garage. I’ve had to move my blanket and box of wine to a closet in the stuffy attic. I don’t think they’ll find me but I also might pass out up there.
November 26, 2012 at 6:33 am
Plus, if you have that kind where you have to step on the beams or your foot goes through the ceiling, you could end up giving yourself away by the end of the bottle of wine.
November 26, 2012 at 3:21 am
Surgeon General’s Warning: Dancing while drunk and nude in the proximity of overly decorated Christmas trees and crackling fires may be hazardous to your health. Such behavior may also result in the permanent scarring of children’s minds.
November 26, 2012 at 6:35 am
Oh, you alarmists. There’s been absolutely no evidence that seeing drunk, naked adults in the midst of crazed bacchanalia has any impact on kids whatsoever.
November 26, 2012 at 2:23 pm
I still remember that cold December night. I sat in the back seat of the Fairlane, keeping Uncle Irv company as my Dad, drunk from too many rum toddies, sped through town toward the emergency room. Uncle Irv, looking pale with the overcoat thrown across him, his pasty legs sticking out with a pair of my old man’s galoshes on his feet.
Things in the ER weren’t much better as Dad and Uncle Irv tried to explain to the doctors and nurses how he’d lost his balance and gotten the angel from the top of the tree stuck in a most delicate area, or how his resultant thrashing had managed to add tinsel to an already delicate surgical challenge.
I finished therapy just a few years ago. Even with all my progress, the first few notes of Bing Crosby’s White Christmas still make me break out into a cold sweat.
November 26, 2012 at 3:27 am
Oh nothing screams Happy Birthday Jesus more than a good ole fashioned Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays cage fight. Let the games begin….
November 26, 2012 at 6:36 am
It really does sound like a parody of alarmist manipulation, doesn’t it? There’s a war on Christmas! No… no, there’s really not. Christmas won.
November 27, 2012 at 10:27 pm
Of course Christmas won! “Black Friday,” “Cyber Monday,” “Cyber Week,” etc. are proof positive of that…I await to see what other lame, idiotic names the retail industry comes up with to make us spend the last of our money so that we start the New Year flat broke.
November 26, 2012 at 4:09 am
Absolutely marvelous those ideas ..infact i don’t cook or decorate and when the guests arrive i tell them how great it Will be if we bond over cooking and decorating and while they get busy i slip out for a movie.
November 26, 2012 at 6:36 am
Excellent plan – especially if you can repeat it when it’s time to clean up.
November 26, 2012 at 7:53 pm
lol
November 26, 2012 at 4:35 am
If stress level rises too high, self-medicate with lots of chocolate while singing “I Want A Hippotamus for Christmas”. Repeat as needed.
November 26, 2012 at 6:37 am
Plus, if you sing the song enough times in a row, people are liable to leave the premises, out of fear for their safety.
November 26, 2012 at 8:30 am
Their safety? Or their sanity?
November 26, 2012 at 4:50 am
I’m irate that you used “holiday season” in the post’s title. It’s Christmas, man. Christmas! Don’t you realize an angel loses its wings every time you say “happy holidays?” Now I’m going to have go punch a reindeer in the face to get out my aggression.
November 26, 2012 at 6:40 am
HAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Any day now Christmas and Jesus and Christianity will be COMPLETELY ERASED!
What was really disturbing was when I did a google image search for it. Lots and lots and lots of insanely paranoid people out their.
November 26, 2012 at 4:58 am
Aw! I’m feeling the spirit now! And I’m smelling FP here…Merry Christmas, B! Happy Festivus! Go on, hit me! I double dog dare ya.
November 26, 2012 at 5:08 am
LIKE.
November 26, 2012 at 5:23 am
“Rate UP!” (That’s what it says when you are about to click on it. Not Thumbs Up or Down . . . Rate Up. Just thought you should be aware, you Rate Upper, you). 😉
November 26, 2012 at 5:27 am
Oh I know, Misty, I know. That’s really why I ‘liked’ it. Because I just upped my commenting rate.
So… That’ll be $0.97. Or you can pay in pictures of Patient Bear.
November 27, 2012 at 10:35 pm
WordPress uses “rate up” and “rate down” to avoid lawsuits by Facebook, Google and YouTube for swiping their idea. Though frankly, I think Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel’s Estate should sue Facebook, Google and YouTube instead…
November 26, 2012 at 6:41 am
Oh, God, can you imagine this post getting FP’d? Who’d be angrier: the “War On Christmas” people, or the “you’re advocating exploiting the handicapped” mis-readers?
November 26, 2012 at 7:11 am
Well, now, what says peace and goodwill toward men than a good ol’ fashioned fake controversy? it’s the American way, man!
November 29, 2012 at 7:48 pm
Don’t forget the vegans. They’d be pissed if this post got FP’d– after all, they’re usually pissed about something. (Must be all the oats and beets.) 😉
November 30, 2012 at 1:50 pm
Whatever it is, is certainly not for lack of being regular.
November 26, 2012 at 5:07 am
I like this post at least $8.50. Enough for some broccoli-cheese soup and a cappuccino at Panera, which I will enjoy in front of Renzzz whilst refusing to wish her anything but Merry Christmas.
I’m with DP on the FP!
P.S. – I’ve actually met two people who use handicap parking tags but are, in fact, quite able-bodied. And I’m pretty sure every time they use it an elf slams his hammer on his thumb.
November 26, 2012 at 7:35 am
IMHO, I’m OK with you being with DP on the FP. Hopefully WP will do so ASAP.
I’ve met a few people who exploit the handicapped tags. I’m always surprised people who are handicapped don’t track them down and hobble them.
November 26, 2012 at 5:34 am
Tell me more about this closet with the booze and killing games. I may need to create this safe haven. Did I mention that my entire family comes over for Xmas eve, demanding food and drinks? This includes my mother and brother. They are best not to be discussed, but let me tell you . . . much booze and hiding is needed. Your assistance is greatly appreciated.
November 26, 2012 at 6:43 am
Well, if it’s your house, just say you’re all playing a game. It’s called “Call of Duty.” “Here’s your game controller. BOOM! I just shot you. Who’s next? Hi, uncle Jimmy. BLAM-O! Dead. Next?”
November 26, 2012 at 5:49 am
My family just decided that instead of doing our traditional secret Santa gift exchange, everyone will buy themselves something nice and show it off Christmas morning. This should be the best Christmas ever.
November 26, 2012 at 7:36 am
That sounds pleasant enough – “Who loves themselves the most” seems like the biggest potential fall out…
November 26, 2012 at 5:54 am
I particularly like inviting family to gun shooting games. That’s got to be a classic. 🙂
November 26, 2012 at 7:37 am
The family that kills zombies and werewolves together… well, probably doesn’t talk very much.
November 26, 2012 at 6:35 am
Wait. Now my family knows where to look for me. I need a new hiding place. Thanks for that!
November 26, 2012 at 7:37 am
Sorry. On the other hand, maybe that’s the last place they’ll look now?
November 26, 2012 at 6:52 am
I love your Portuguese book idea, that’s so funny! And it’s only been last year that I really didn’t know what to do about Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays online. I vow this year to stick to Merry Christmas or nothing at all.
November 26, 2012 at 7:39 am
I’m just going to say something in Latin, and let people assume whatever they want about what it means. “Merry Christmas!” “Thanks, and Ne Parcas Nec Spernas to you, too!”
November 26, 2012 at 8:34 am
Hee, hee! That’s a great idea!
November 26, 2012 at 9:16 am
DAMN! Bing couldn’t translate that….hold on, trying good ol’ google….tried three translators. Maybe the spelling? 😛
November 26, 2012 at 11:35 am
I hope the spelling’s okay because it’s tattooed on my arm! It’s the motto of the Scottish clan Lamont. The literal translation is “neither spare nor dispose.” It has to do with being moderate – neither too wrathful nor too lenient.
November 26, 2012 at 4:15 pm
Thank you! My son something in latin on his side that means never give up. 🙂
November 26, 2012 at 6:57 am
“Consider moving somewhere where they don’t do any of this stuff. Somewhere tropical, maybe, where their holidays revolve around booze and dancing and nudity.”
Why do you think I decided not to come home for Christmas from Ecuador this year? Feliz Navidad!
November 26, 2012 at 11:36 am
Sound planning. Sound planning.
November 26, 2012 at 7:01 am
Wait… holiday season? What… time… is… it?!
UUUuuuuhhhh…
Nog was a bad choice…
November 26, 2012 at 11:36 am
Yeah, but how else can you drink alcohol AND feel like you ate too many pancakes?
November 26, 2012 at 7:19 am
I’ve seriously considered your last tip. “Somewhere” is a great place to to move. We’ll just leave in at that–no further details necessary… 😉
November 26, 2012 at 11:37 am
Oh, “Somewhere” is so great. It’s just the best.
November 26, 2012 at 7:20 am
HA! My mother in law did all she could to eliminate gluten from the meal but there were a couple things that I couldn’t have and my husband, eating the stuffing, looked over at me and said, “Mmmmm delicious, forbidden gluten!” His mother yelled at him. I laughed. 😉
November 26, 2012 at 11:37 am
I think that was the least he could do. It’s like a spousal responsibility.
November 26, 2012 at 8:39 am
I’ll have to get my daughter a shirt like Andrew’s so she can spread the vegan joy when we go to Grandma’s for the big turkey dinner.
November 26, 2012 at 11:38 am
The funny thing is so many vegans are totally low key about it, but the “I’M A VEGAN, YOU MURDERER” crowd give them all a bad name.
November 27, 2012 at 10:48 pm
Maybe the Non-Vegans could wear a shirt that says: “I’M A CARNIVORE; PASS THE FAVA BEANS AND CHIANTI” to even things out…
November 26, 2012 at 8:48 am
Puerto Rico is tropical, full of booze and lots of dancing…and nudity’s optional…so wow, am I smart or what to be spending the holidays there. 😉
November 26, 2012 at 11:39 am
Aha! The real reason for your month-long holiday is revealed!
November 26, 2012 at 8:55 am
You almost got me down to a T here, “hiding in the garage all evening, wrapped in a blanket, with a bottle of wine and a video game”, just substitute the bottle of wine with a bottle of scotch and I am all set.
November 26, 2012 at 11:39 am
That would certainly keep you warmer… until you freeze to death…
November 26, 2012 at 9:10 am
Good read! lol MERRY Christmas to you! 🙂
November 26, 2012 at 11:44 am
Is this a trap? Hm…
November 26, 2012 at 10:01 am
..but Christmas DOES revolve around booze and dancing and nudity. We just do all that indoors because it’s 20 below zero outside.
November 26, 2012 at 11:43 am
And then when you get overheated from alcohol and dancing you can run outside and flop in the snow! Everybody wins!
Except the guy who then falls asleep in the snow.
November 26, 2012 at 10:25 am
I have a vegan vegetarian bird-lover of a sister-in-law who spends Thanksgiving at my house, so thank you for the T-shirt idea: Vegan, because my body is not a graveyard. (Of course it looks like it was hauled out of one)…..
November 26, 2012 at 11:42 am
“Tofurkey” is the worst name of anything, ever. I don’t even know how it tastes – it could be pure heaven but the name is just too repulsive.
November 26, 2012 at 12:11 pm
Yes. Way too much like fuckyouturkey. We don’t do Tofurkey. We just bitch at her.
November 26, 2012 at 3:06 pm
Oh God, how many ways would I buy “fuckyouturkey”?
November 26, 2012 at 10:29 am
Doom! Hahah, love it. I think the kids have some games that are about 100 times as graphically violent these days though
November 26, 2012 at 11:41 am
I actually went searching for a Black Ops or Call of Duty image, but when I saw that I had to go with Doom. I’m a sucker for the classics.
November 26, 2012 at 10:57 am
“…hiding in the garage all evening, wrapped in a blanket, with a bottle of wine and a video game”
Hey, did you have some kind of spy at my house during last year’s holiday gathering?
One mistake though: that wasn’t the garage, it was the laundry room. That’s where I get banished. I think they’re already setting up the aerobed.
November 26, 2012 at 11:41 am
Ooh, that laundry room would be much cozier.
November 26, 2012 at 2:41 pm
The beauty of the fractured family is you can tell each of the disparate groups that you are spending Christmas day with the other and really just stay home eating anything but turkey (anyone who has done high protein/low fat diets will understand how eating more turkey is just not that appealing) and watching Game of Thrones. Merry Christmas, Khaleesi 🙂
November 28, 2012 at 6:55 am
How great would a Game Of Thrones Christmas Special be? They could do it “Christmas Carol” style with three ghosts visiting King Joffrey. Then at the end they beat the crap out of him.
November 28, 2012 at 10:02 pm
Well, that’s just plain inspired! I’d add LOL but I can’t bring myself to use it *chuckles heartily with snort* 😁
November 26, 2012 at 6:25 pm
I swear it’s posts like this that make me grateful I’m Jewish. We just need a little oil some candles. Done. You should see my clean up. Finished in 25 seconds. So awesome.
November 28, 2012 at 6:46 am
I think the worst thing about being Jewish this time of year would be all the people trying to appear culturally sensitive by talking about how Hanukkah is THE BIGGEST JEWISH HOLIDAY OF THE YEAR!
November 28, 2012 at 6:52 am
Most people where I live know Hanukkah doesn’t hold a candle to some of our other holidays.
(Did you see what I did there? With the candle?)
No the worst part is getting inappropriate gifts: like Christmas sweaters. That could actually be a funny post. 😉
November 26, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Wait a minute… I don’t live in the tropics and wind up nude and drunk everywhere, all the time. Huh?
November 28, 2012 at 6:48 am
Actually, this isn’t a blog post… it’s an intervention. I’m glad you’re here, we all care about you very much. Have a seat…
November 28, 2012 at 10:43 am
I’m going home.
November 28, 2012 at 1:18 pm
Awwww.
November 28, 2012 at 1:38 pm
(Pssst. You were supposed to virtually block my path to the door and then wrap your arms around me while I feebly attempt to push you away. Good God, man, do you not watch Intervention on A&E?)
November 26, 2012 at 8:22 pm
Love the Portuguese book (mistake) idea. Next time I’m tempted to buy someone a gift card I’m definitely going this route instead. I’m in Japan, though, where Christmas is date night and people celebrate by eating KFC and strawberry shortcake, and all I want for Christmas is a box of pop tarts in the mail (O_o)
November 27, 2012 at 10:56 pm
Date night, KFC and strawberry shortcake for Christmas? Well, I guess 127,368,088 (July 2011 est.) Japanese can’t be wrong…
November 27, 2012 at 5:12 am
More perfect rules. I will be sharing these.
November 28, 2012 at 8:55 am
Reblogged this on nbsmalltown.
November 28, 2012 at 9:57 am
My family got smart a couple years ago and we all started making Amazon gift lists. Except my dad is still no good at it and puts stuff in his shopping basket like a Bass Pro Shop $15 gift cards and raccoon traps. Neither of which we have ever seen him use. And we have been going to the same Chinese food restaurant on Christmas Eve for so long we think they keep it open especially for us since we are always the ONLY ones in there.
November 28, 2012 at 1:20 pm
Can you imagine if you didn’t go to the Chinese restaurant and the next day they had a “Going Out Of Business” sign up? How bad would you feel?
November 28, 2012 at 1:23 pm
SUPER bad. They give us free….FREE calendars after dinner. That’s an annual gift I just cannot bargain with.
November 28, 2012 at 6:53 pm
Don’t forget you can’t spell Merry Christmas without Christ…and, um, also his little known siblings Mer, Ry and Mas. Take that!
December 2, 2012 at 11:48 pm
I would love to receive “Learn Portuguese in 10 days”. I wouldn’t exchange it with anything else! Seriously.
December 3, 2012 at 7:52 am
I think we should go back to pagan times, all the liquor, none of the holiday shopping. Also, the only vegans were people with no teeth. So they probably weren’t bragging about it.