Turns out women have a “mechanism” that makes it impossible for them to vote for a candidate in instances of legitimate moral revulsion.
Honestly, I can’t imagine much harder than giving a political concession speech. To put that much of yourself in to something, that much money that much time, and then to lose and have to walk out in front of the cameras right then – not even get a day to drink a bottle of tequila, shoot a TV while weeping, and head-butt your bathroom mirror – and congratulate the opponent? Awful. No matter how I feel about a candidate, my heart goes out to them at that moment. Okay, maybe not Senator Akin, but everyone else.
And when that moment comes? You need someone to write your words for you. To craft the perfect sentiment. And that’s when you need me.
But why should you, please, hire me to write your concession speech?
When your speech says things like “I wish the best for my opponent” and “I congratulate him on a great campaign” I will include helpful notes like *Not to be said sarcastically* and *avoid spitting on the floor when you mention your opponent’s name*.
I will double check the speech before I give it to you to make sure it doesn’t have phrases like “hate you all so much” and “worst campaign volunteers ever” and “hope Mr. Winner Man chokes on a chicken bone.”
I will craft a very sincere sounding apology for trying to legitimize rape (ousted Republicans only).
“Yeah, that’s us! Me, and, uh, lil’ buddy, and my daughter… um… Samuhuhmumuh… and, of course, the love of my life, ahem, uh, good ol’ Mrs. Smiley-Smile.”
I will remind you of the names of the spouses and children you abandoned for the duration of the campaign – and, well, let’s face it, your career – so you can thank them for being your rock, your support, your best friends.
I can throw in something about, in the future, not abandoning all of your principles at the first sign of conflict (Democrats only).
I will also write thank-you notes to all of the organizations that gave you tons of money with a reminder that the checks are cashed and the money’s as good as spent.
Because, admit it: If someone concluded their speech with “And may Smokey The Bear bless America!” you would immediately wish they’d won.
In addition to your speech, I will coach you on fighting the temptation to denounce democracy and voting as the worst political system in the world; or ripping up the speech, giving everyone the finger and saying, “Hey, you know what? F*** you, America!” before bursting in to crazed laughter.
I will remember to include a phrase at the end of your speech in which you call for someone to bless America. I’m thinking maybe God. That or Smokey The Bear. Because who doesn’t love Smokey The Bear? No. No, let’s stick with God.
The Byronic Man 
November 10, 2012 at 4:25 am
Good ol’ Mrs. Smiley-Smile and Hate you all so much. bwah haha!!!
Why do I insist on reading your blog this early in the morning while sipping hot coffee? I would hire you for sure. But still, just ONCE I’d love to see someone flip the bird and yell “Thanks a lot, f**kers!”
November 10, 2012 at 7:49 am
Especially if that moment is the end of their career. Maybe throw in a few sections like, “Okay, the following ‘traditional marriage’ guys are closeted homosexuals…” and such.
November 10, 2012 at 4:45 am
I think concession speeches should revolve around actual concessions. “Peanuts, get your peanuts! Popcorn? Popcorn?” because face it. They need a new career at that point anyway.
November 10, 2012 at 4:48 am
HA!
November 10, 2012 at 7:50 am
Good point. Or at least asking if this building has a concession stand and – if so – do they have a liquor license.
November 10, 2012 at 4:47 am
I was JUST thinking the same thing – you really have to feel for them in that moment, you really do.
Blessing America with animals is a surefire way to win my vote, but then seeing a family portrait where everyone’s in jeans and the same color top would cancel it out.
…Are you planning on doing that style portrait with the Mrs. and K-Bean? Answer carefully. I know you love your jeans, but this could really impact our 2016 campaign plans.
November 10, 2012 at 7:52 am
We’re doing our family portraits at Glamour Shots. Do they still exist? Is that reference to obscure?
November 10, 2012 at 4:49 am
Hahahahaha..I agree that is has to be the single worst timing to give such a speech. I’ve often imagined the looser getting some sort of injection, as he/she still lay kicking and screaming on the hotel room floor…..one-more-state, prior to being pushed on stage.
Thanking the “rock” always gets me. There is a part of me that would love to see the truth come out…which would include record breaking f-bombs.
November 10, 2012 at 7:56 am
The forced smile of a spouse always seems the most fury-ridden of all.
November 10, 2012 at 4:58 am
Byro: I believe you would help make those uncomfortable moments much more enjoyable. Maybe Jules could provide ‘stache glasses to lighten the mood.
November 10, 2012 at 7:58 am
‘Stache glasses would certainly change the mood. Maybe a “Groucho Cigar”? “Now those were the most ridiculous election results I ever hoid!”
November 10, 2012 at 5:53 am
I was getting a little bit frantic yesterday searching for a Byronic post. Thank you for not making me suffer through the weekend without. I would love to write the acceptance speech. It would be tough to avoid, “Ha Ha – suck it!” though.
November 10, 2012 at 7:59 am
Thanks for saying so! I got behind, it’s true, but I thought, “Oh, who am I kidding, no one will notice.”
November 10, 2012 at 5:55 am
You know, if they have decided that this was the last campaign of their career I think that flipping everyone off and swearing would actually be pretty cathartic. I know I’d ask for my speech to include lots of vulgarity and directions to make lewd gestures.
November 10, 2012 at 8:03 am
That would actually be refreshing. A totally honest, cathartic release. “I worked SO HARD ON THIS THING! GOD DAMN IT. I wanted this SOOOO BAD. WHY??? WHY didn’t you vote for me??!! I reeeeeally wanted to win! Now what am I supposed to do, huh? Now what?”
November 10, 2012 at 5:56 am
I don’t know… After all the lies they tell during their campaign, maybe having to do a concession speech right away is just karma. 😉
November 10, 2012 at 8:04 am
I know, but a lie that isn’t self-serving must be pretty jarring to their system.
November 10, 2012 at 7:06 am
I would totally vote for someone who says “Smokey the Bear bless America”! I’ll keep you in mind for when I run for president. Oh wait, I can’t, because I wasn’t born here. Governor of Texas then. I should be a shoe-in for not getting elected; I know the difference between succeed and secede.
November 10, 2012 at 8:17 am
Knowing things is the number one de-railer of political careers.
November 10, 2012 at 7:40 am
You could add a passive-aggressive directive, like “subtly scratch cheek with middle finger”.
November 10, 2012 at 8:17 am
Especially if it was constant.
November 10, 2012 at 7:53 am
Indeed we do. The women of Missouri shut that thing down for Akin.
November 10, 2012 at 8:19 am
I think the speech should end by kicking off the 2016 campaign. No time like the present to start drumming up more funding.
November 11, 2012 at 10:00 am
Throw in a few negative campaign jabs against the ten people your suspect might be candidates for the position? That seems good!
November 10, 2012 at 10:35 am
I would enjoy seeing some of the losers head-butting their bathroom mirrors.
November 11, 2012 at 10:00 am
It’s a time-honored method for dealing with set-backs!
November 10, 2012 at 10:37 am
The next time I run for political office, you’re hired. However, I can only offer you 47% of your normal salary.
November 11, 2012 at 10:01 am
That actually would be a great way to charge clients: based on how badly they lose or how much of America they’ve alienated.
November 10, 2012 at 11:08 am
Hilarious! I don’t know any politician that wouldn’t want to pay good money just for the promise of Smokey the bear.
November 11, 2012 at 10:05 am
It is kind of surprising that more politicians don’t try to incorporate big, lovable mascots.
November 10, 2012 at 12:06 pm
Writing the speech is a good first step, but can you also find someone who looks like me to deliver the speech while I drink heavily in my hotel room?
November 11, 2012 at 10:06 am
Political doubles… they’re not just for avoiding assassination!
November 10, 2012 at 2:57 pm
Ensconced as I am over here with our atheist female PM, universal healthcare, compulsory voting, no guns or death penalty, pro choice for contraception, openly gay politicians and judges and the practice of teaching evolution in all schools I would nevertheless have enjoyed watching Mitt swagger on stage with a tumbler of top shelf scotch and a cigar yelling “your loss America!”
November 11, 2012 at 10:14 am
It’s a very strange time for this country, in terms of being so incredibly conservative. It’s been so extreme the last 15 years or so that people can’t even see it any more. The policies of Richard Nixon, today, would be seen as too liberal for the Democratic party, much less the Republicans. Bizarre.
November 10, 2012 at 4:24 pm
I would hire you. For real, I really would. Then I would rip up the speech and say whatever came to mind. I would tell those azzhats that didn’t vote for me exactly why my spouse wasn’t there, like Ann Romney stayed at the hotel cause she didn’t want to stand next to a loser and smile. I would shoot the bird at the tv cameras and fling your speech directly at them. Then I would weep, big huge tears, sob really I would. But I would hire you and pay you with one of the cancelled campaign credit cards.
November 10, 2012 at 6:50 pm
Val, you beat me to it. I’m sure Bryonic would include campaign credit card cancellation in his package deal. And did Annie-pooh really skip the concession speech? I didn’t know. I guess it is really difficult to leave the bubble.
November 10, 2012 at 6:51 pm
Bryonic, I’m going to give you a better job — you can write my victory speech. Because liberal use of Smokey the Bear would definitely get me over the top.
November 10, 2012 at 11:27 pm
Other possible blessers of America:
Tony the Tiger (You’re a Loooooooser!)
Lassie (oops, she’s dead. But, then, so are you, Looooooser!)
Scooby-Do (only after several trips to the concession bar)
November 11, 2012 at 9:58 am
“And may Rod ress Amerira!
November 11, 2012 at 12:52 pm
I would hire you to write my concession speech, but I would love it if someone just once ripped up the smiley smile speech, flipped the birdie, shouted fuck you losers and stomped away.
November 13, 2012 at 4:11 pm
I read that Richie Rich whats-his-name didn’t write a concession speech, only a winner’s, and had to wing it when the sad reality hit home.