The Byronic Man is a certified astrologer. He has a Masters degree in Zodiacry from the University of Nehru, and a PhD in Astronomy and Astro-Physics from The Louvre.
Capricorn: Today you will meet a Pisces and fall wildly in love and live passionately, and ecstatically. Unless you miss your opportunity. Talk to every person you see today, including pedestrians and people in traffic. Consider carrying a sign and/or screaming “Pisces! Who’s a Pisces!?” just to be sure.
See? That dark spot where the star should be? Ouch.
Aquarius: So, one of the stars in your constellation collapsed in on itself. Just *pop*. Fizzled. Incomplete constellation. I don’t know what that means but… damn, right? I’m going to say – at the very least – really stretch out before any rigorous activity.
Pisces: Be careful of a Capricorn who is mentally unbalanced. He or she may come out of nowhere – be mindful and wary. If you see a Capricorn, run.
Also, your lucky numbers today are 3, 22, and 73. You might consider this when determining how many prisoners to behead, or homes to pillage.
Aries: Today, Aries, if you’re a barbarian, the stars and planets are aligned for you! Today would be a perfect day to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women! If you’re not a barbarian, this would be a great day to start.
Copernicus: Today would be a perfect day for formulating that heliocentric theory. Embrace the day!
Taurus: It’s all Scorpio’s fault. Stupid Scorpio. You don’t have to take that crap. Look at Scorpio; thinks he/she is all that. But we’ll see who’s laughing last, won’t we, Taurus. Yes. Yes, we will.
Gemini: Wow! Amazing opportunities ahead! Today could be the stuff dreams are made of! And all you need to do is… shoot, what’s that from? “It’s the stuff dreams are made of”? It’s a movie. A Bogart movie. Casablanca? No, no. The Big Sleep? Maybe. I don’t think so. Dang it, this is going to bug me all day…
Cancer: If someone asks if you “want to taste this” the answer is no, Cancer. If an opportunity arises to wear a mesh muscle-shirt, on the other hand, the answer is hell, yes.
Janus: An opportunity will arise for a put a new spin on an old relationship that… wait a second… there’s no such sign as “Janus”! Get outta here, ya bum!
“So, you know… that’s why I think I’d fit…” “Hm, no, I really don’t think you would. Sorry. It was fun having sex, though.”
Leo: Don’t get discouraged by naysayers! There is definitely room for both of you on that floating door. Don’t be left out in the cold because of bad advice!
Virgo: The Maltese Falcon! Bingo! That’s the movie. Duh. Ha ha! Whew. There we go. Maltese Falcon. “If they hang you, I’ll always remember you.” Classic.
Libra: Calm down, there! If you’re thinking about making that big move and being born a week or two before your due date, you might give it a little longer. Just like, a week, at least? Your parents would really appreciate it.
Scorpio: Today would be a great day to buy a lottery ticket! You won’t win, but, you know, scratching the little things off is fun. Also, what’s up with Taurus? Seriously. What’d you do? Nothing, that’s what.
Yeah, yeah – Yo Yo Ma plays one. Ha! Nice try “Sagittarius.”
Sagittarius: Is this sign real? It sounds made up. Fool me once, and all that. Isn’t “Sagittarius” the name of that really expensive violin? Well, just to be safe, uh… You’ll have an opportunity to do a thing. A thing that’s good and, you know, beneficial. Be sure to do that.
The Byronic Man 
September 26, 2012 at 3:17 am
your predictions are probably better than most
September 26, 2012 at 8:09 pm
Oh, see, that’s way better than the promo line I was thinking of: “Technically, my predictions could be worse…”
September 26, 2012 at 3:36 am
Thanks for the heads heads-up…dam Capricorns are going to keep me on my toes today.
September 26, 2012 at 8:09 pm
And those Copernicuses, too!
September 26, 2012 at 4:10 am
I’d like to be a Janus. You can’t have too many of those in the world.
September 26, 2012 at 8:10 pm
Maybe you should start a movement – or declare “the lost Zodiac sign!”
September 26, 2012 at 4:12 am
The Byronic Man,
My Aquarius horoscope failed to mention that my 2 1/2 year old girl was going to go potty on me. Bless her heart, she was so proud.
Le Clown
September 26, 2012 at 8:10 pm
That was my assistant’s fault, sorry. She’s been fired.
September 26, 2012 at 4:28 am
Everything up here sounds more right than anything I’ve read.
September 26, 2012 at 8:12 pm
It took a lot of research. A lot of research…
September 26, 2012 at 4:49 am
I don’t know. I think that Libra should just go ahead and make her grand debut right now. Like in Titanic when they decided they’d try to get there early. That went really well.
I wonder what JAMES CAMERON would have to say about all of this.
P.S. – You don’t have to tell me twice to blame THE SIGN OF THE SCORPIONS.
September 26, 2012 at 9:05 am
As a Scorpio, my response is “Take a number.” But beware, if you blame the Scorpions, they’re going to rock you like a hurricane.
September 26, 2012 at 9:55 am
This is why I married one: I’d rather have him on my side!
September 26, 2012 at 1:03 pm
As a Scorpio, I approve this message.
September 26, 2012 at 4:09 pm
I assume you mean “hurricane” as in the adult beverage, in which case, perhaps we can work on our differences.
September 26, 2012 at 4:53 pm
Hadn’t considered the drink, but that does cure a lot of ills. I was thinking this – http://youtu.be/sxdmw4tJJ1Y
September 26, 2012 at 8:14 pm
You know when I felt kind of bad for The Scorpions? When Roger Waters did “The Wall: Live in Berlin.” You know the opening track of The Wall? It’s like Waters’ parody of a big, dumb arena rock song. And when it’s time to assemble people to perform it, he thinks of The Scorpions. And you know they were like, “Wow! Roger Waters just invited us to perform at his concert of The Wall! This is great!”
September 26, 2012 at 8:15 pm
Jules, I can’t help but be hurt that you had nothing to say about the Leo horoscope. I thought of that one just for you…
September 27, 2012 at 3:49 am
You and the scorpions, so sensitive.
Also, thank you. I was being SUBTLE in my reply. (ha ha ha Look what I can do after my first HTML class! Oh, world. Don’t give me this kind of power.)
September 26, 2012 at 5:51 am
Damn, I’m a Pisces. Just what I need is ANOTHER crazy Capricorn falling madly in love with me. When will this curse of irresistability end? WHEN?? Sigh.
September 26, 2012 at 8:15 pm
It’s a curse, I know.
September 26, 2012 at 6:19 am
I’m a stradivarius but what’s up with Virgo? He didn’t get much in the way of a horoscope, just your remembrance of some movie. ??
September 26, 2012 at 8:16 pm
Oh yeah, well, um… Virgo: remember to record that Magnum PI marathon you were wanting to watch and don’t talk to anyone with a soul patch today.
September 26, 2012 at 6:38 am
So am I going to know a Capricorn from ten paces or will I have to ask people? I’m thinking today’s a good day to stay indoors.
September 26, 2012 at 8:17 pm
I’d ask at extreme volumes. That way more people hear you and you don’t have to ask as much.
September 26, 2012 at 7:38 am
Barbarians rule!
September 26, 2012 at 8:18 pm
The Mongols sure thought so.
September 26, 2012 at 8:55 pm
They would say, “Yah, you betcha Byronic Man.”
September 26, 2012 at 7:41 am
“It’s the stuff dreams are made of” – Maltese Falcon. Ah, I love that movie… Ironically, I’m supposed to be a Gemini so I’m digging this horoscope prediction so far, mostly because of the great movie quote. 🙂
September 26, 2012 at 8:19 pm
It really is a great movie. Thinking of the quotes made me want to watch it again. That “if they hang you, I’ll always remember you” speech is pure, film-noir perfection.
September 26, 2012 at 7:58 am
I just changed my shoes to runners. Apparently I will be dodging Capricorns all day. Thanks for the heads up.
September 26, 2012 at 8:19 pm
Don’t thank me, thank… THE PLANETS!
September 26, 2012 at 7:59 am
Move over, wench…I want on that damn door!
September 26, 2012 at 8:20 pm
He should have wobbled it until she fell off. Then said, “Oops, sorry. Well, my turn?”
September 26, 2012 at 8:04 am
I think you forgot an entry for the Jungians. I wonder what their predictions for today would be.
September 26, 2012 at 8:21 pm
Extroverts: get out there and make friends! Wheee!
Introverts: Avoid extroverts.
September 26, 2012 at 8:34 am
Why is my sign always so damned cantankerous? Sigh.
September 26, 2012 at 8:22 pm
I always notice that the cancer horoscope is kind of blah. Also the July picture in the calendar is often the least interesting. The calendar thinks I’m boring.
September 27, 2012 at 8:44 am
The calendar is so wrong. The calendar doesn’t know you! How the hell does it have the right to judge you?
September 26, 2012 at 8:37 am
Damn, I could tell something was off lately and now I discovered it was because one of my stars blew up.
September 26, 2012 at 8:23 pm
Don’t you hate it when that happens?
That would be a pretty good slogan/shirt/bumper sticker/excuse for getting out of work: “It feels like one of the stars in my Zodiac sign imploded.”
September 26, 2012 at 8:44 am
…everyone is always falling in love with us Pisces…
September 27, 2012 at 6:14 am
It’s a burden, I know.
September 27, 2012 at 11:04 am
😉 indeed.
September 26, 2012 at 9:53 am
I have to give you kudos for linking the two Mercury-ruled signs.
September 26, 2012 at 8:24 pm
Did I really? That’s great. I’m tempted to say it was on purpose…
September 26, 2012 at 10:13 am
I’m a Capricorn. If I were to follow your advice my wife would kill me. You, sir, are a charlatan! And a harlequin!
September 26, 2012 at 10:22 am
Actually, I’m a Cancer, but Charlatan is my ascending.
September 26, 2012 at 10:49 am
Maybe the little Libra is ready but the parents haven’t come to terms with it yet. Sometimes I think elephants have the right idea. Two years to get things ready would be about right. Good luck!
I found my thing. And I did it. All based on my horoscope. It was just okay. I was hoping for more bang. Maybe a star in Sagittarius will go next. Fingers crossed.
September 26, 2012 at 8:24 pm
The parents also just have a little more prep work to do, and a little more freaking out to get out of their systems.
September 26, 2012 at 11:57 am
As an Aries, I resent your comment. This is me…throwing down the gauntlet. My ram can take your crab anytime, anywhere. 😉
September 26, 2012 at 8:26 pm
Give me a moment while I sit down, stunned and shocked that you’re an Aries…
(See, I know things like this after years with my wife. There was a time I’d have said, “Aries… that’s the bull? The water bucket guy?”)
September 26, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Damn, Capricorns are supposed to like Cancers and yet you’ve exposed my fatal weakness… Fish. Yum.
September 26, 2012 at 8:26 pm
Hey, I’m a Cancer! We can go get fish together.
September 26, 2012 at 4:15 pm
Love these. Especially funny to me because I’m a Taurus and my better half is a Scorpio. 🙂
September 26, 2012 at 8:27 pm
The planets know all!!
September 26, 2012 at 4:47 pm
Watch out Pisces! Hellis is a Capricorn!!!!!
September 26, 2012 at 8:29 pm
Fair warning is all anyone could reasonably ask for. Very conscientious of you.
September 26, 2012 at 11:24 pm
Masters degree in Zodiacry from the University of Nehru..oh man I am so jealous of you..i wanted to get in but they didnt let me…i was asked to predict something and i could not..they said i didnt have it in me ..can you believe it?
however your predictions rock and you are so right it is the damn scorpios..
September 27, 2012 at 6:20 am
What’s funny is I meant “Nauru” but got my name’s mixed up. I didn’t realize that until just now. Nauru is the world’s most isolated, tiniest island country. My Zodiacry degree just got a lot more credible!
September 27, 2012 at 1:02 am
On behalf of Sagittarius, I would like to protest! We are the artistic people of the Zodiac, the ones who don’t like routine! We make great writers, actors, etc. I want a recount!
September 27, 2012 at 6:21 am
I’ll have to consult the planets and see what I can do…
September 27, 2012 at 2:20 am
I imagine for us in Libra who have already popped it’s okay for us to grunt on with our plans?
September 27, 2012 at 6:13 am
As long as you don’t stress me out, then, yes. Carry on.
September 27, 2012 at 6:41 am
Talk about a spike in the Pisces population…
I’m not sure there are enough crazed Capricorns to keep all of us on our toes, er, fins.
September 27, 2012 at 8:38 am
What the frick?! What’s with Virgo? I feel gypped. I was so looking forward to knowing what my future held. Thanks for nothing. Guess I’ll have to carry on just trying to live life with no guidance whatsoever from the moon and stars. fantastic.
September 28, 2012 at 5:57 pm
I am now nostalgic for the 70s/80s bar scene that I hated at the time. Pisces? Any Pisces here?
December 1, 2015 at 9:54 am
my marriage is love or arranged