Tag Archives: Humor

Please Hire Me To Be Your Late Night Talk Show Host

April 14, 2014


Poor Paul Rudd.  Poor, poor, poor Paul Rudd...

Whoooaa, now!  Letterman announces his retirement, opening the doors to months of giving our lives meaning by arguing endlessly over who should take over and you just, just, just… name someone?  That’s just mean!  And are you sure you’ve given this enough thought?  And, NBC, on a scale of 1-to-10, how committed are you to […]

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How Are Americans Spending Their Spring Break?

March 24, 2014


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The Thin Triplicate Line Between Society & Chaos

March 3, 2014


Say hello to my little 3-year lease!

“…There shall be no use of illegal drugs on the premises by the lessee, or associates of the lessee, subject to immediate nullification of the rental contract…” – clause in standard rental agreements * Scenario 1: Landlord: And in here you’ll see the main room.  Fireplace works, we just ask that you get the chimney […]

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Amaze Your Friends With These Little-Known Presidential Facts!

February 17, 2014


Oh, hey, my mistake - there's a statue of you!  No, wait, that's me.  Ha ha ha.  Loser.

Three minutes in to the Gettysburg Address, growing increasingly irritated with murmuring in the crowd, Lincoln paused from his speech and said, “It means ’87 years ago,’ idiots.” There was no President Hayes.  As a cost-cutting measure, the president was replaced with a magic 8-ball.  Thus the phrase, “outlook is Hayes-y” was born. Nixon refused […]

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What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day

February 13, 2014


Well, she would...

  * “I was going to get you roses but they’re expensive, so I cut this picture of Axl Rose out of Rolling Stone instead.” * “Just love me and I’ll give your dog back.” * “Thank you for this book of coupons for free, sensual massages!  Do… Do I have to redeem them with […]

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The Long, Dark Tonight Show Of The Soul

February 11, 2014


Leno, circa 1996.  Or possibly 2002.  Or 2010.

During his time as host of The Tonight Show, Jay Leno made 4,607 jokes about Bill Clinton, 795 jokes about OJ Simpson, 505 jokes about Michael Jackson, and 454 jokes about Monica Lewinsky. – Finding by the Center for Media And Public Affairs Hour 1 – Alright!  Got a job!  Cataloging Leno’s jokes won’t change […]

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Biggest Surprises of Superbowl XLVIII

February 3, 2014


At this point it should be obvious this post is humorous, as there's not a force on earth that can make the peppers keep their shirts on.

Superbowls never go quite the way people think they’re going to.  And this year?  No exception. What were some of the more surprising moments? 1. Completely shattering all expectations, and defying the most refined Vegas odds, The Red Hot Chili Peppers perform their halftime set with their shirts on. 2. After calling the coin toss […]

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This Literally Means War, Figuratively

January 20, 2014


Oh, God, really? Ugh, oof.  Yeesh.  Fine.  Put it on your car.  Yep, right on the paint.

I can be a word snob; I admit that.  But I am also a reasonable man.  When things reach such a crisis level as this, immediate diplomatic action is required, lest things break out in to total chaos. I am, of course, referring to Google’s addition to its definition of “literal” as “used for emphasis […]

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Getting Insurance Is As Easy As Arguing Over A Shirt For 2 Hours!

January 7, 2014


Now THAT is a reassuringly charming shirt.

I did a commercial last week for an insurance company, in which I walk you through the process of signing up for insurance and explain the new health care laws.  The gist of it is that signing up for health care is easy and the insurance companies are here for you. You know, lying. The […]

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Airport Security: The Best Friend You’ll Ever Have Who’ll Detain You Indefinitely Without Charges

December 19, 2013


Ahhh. Just relax. Isn't that nice?  Little massage there for ya'?

The TSA has begun working on reforming its methods at America’s airports to be more friendly and considerate of travelers passing through security checkpoints.   - AP Newswire item *** Hi there!  Where you headed?  Ah, Dublin, Ireland.  Well, top ‘o the morning to ye!  Ha ha.  They don’t really say that, of course.  Beautiful country.  […]

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The 5-Minute Hobbit

December 11, 2013


Also the tree is on fire.  Whatever.

The second installment in the Hobbit films comes out on Friday  And maybe you’re interested in seeing it, but don’t want to commit 3+ hours to watching or re-watching the first one.  And so I provide The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: The 5-Minute Version.   SCENE 1: Bilbo Baggins’ Home There is a knock at […]

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