Tag Archives: Humor

Please Hire Me To Be Your Movie Superhero

May 25, 2015

15 Comments

Wow, all these superhero movies. They’re everywhere aren’t they? And they just keep being wildly popular. But these superhero movies… they’re lacking something… a certain je ne sais quoi… well, actually, I do sais quoi: they’re lacking me! Yes, the time has come for a Byronic Man superhero movie. And not just because the name […]

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35 Years Ago, Mt. St. Helens Opened An Awe-Inspring, Majestic Can Of Whoop-Ass On Us

May 18, 2015

30 Comments

Most of the damage appears to be at the front of the vehicle, indicating - Mr. Wykes - that you ran in to the volcano.  Not the other way around, as you would have us believe.

Today marks the 35-year anniversary of the eruption of Mt. St. Helens, in southern Washington State.  What follows is a chronology of some of the more note-worthy moments: July 9, 38,000 BC – Mount St. Helens forms, beginning a devious plot to erupt and destroy the area towns. August 15, 1979 – As per the […]

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I Now Pronounce You ‘Brain & Brain.’

May 11, 2015

35 Comments

Your reign of terror is over, Smoke Alarm!  ...Do you smell smoke?

I’ve decided that the courts need to not only allow, but perhaps even mandate, brains to marry one another. Why? Because of smoke alarm batteries. That isn’t clear? Oh. Let me explain. The other night, right about 3am, a battery in one of our smoke alarms went out. So, of course, it began its beeping, […]

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Ah, Good Evening, Monsieur. May I Park Your Horrible Piece of Crap?

May 4, 2015

35 Comments

BCT1100OR-zoom

For the school where I work, this past weekend was prom – that magical night when a girl’s dreams come true.  Assuming her dreams involve trying to walk in 5-inch heels, not eating your expensive dinner because the dress is too tight, and then listening to deafening music with a guy who thinks he’s the […]

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A Father’s Wish For His Children

April 27, 2015

33 Comments

And you know what?  You got ants and allergies and sunburn to worry about... maybe stick with the other one.

May my children have the strength to forgive those who treat them poorly. And may those who treat them poorly be granted understanding of their actions. And then may that understanding make them be driven blind with grief, and plunge them into insanity and despair forever. May my children have the skill and good fortune […]

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What The World Needs Now, Is Signs, More Signs.

April 13, 2015

40 Comments

IMG_0120

Sign posted in a hotel I stayed at recently: “HEY!” “WHAT?” “DO YOU SEE THAT RED THING ON THE WALL?” “THE THING THAT’S FLASHING?” “YEAH, WITH THE PIERCING HORN BLASTS COMING OUT OF IT. WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT IS?” “I DON’T KNOW. IS IT FOR PAGING SOMEONE?” “WELL, IT SAYS ‘FIRE’ ON IT.” “RIGHT, […]

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Fight Club: The Complete Rules

August 18, 2014

86 Comments

Oh, that's right, we're also expanding in to Fight-PIlates on Wednesdays and Friday mornings.

You do not talk about Fight Club YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB. If someone says stop, goes limp, or taps out, the fight is over. Only 2 guys to a fight. One fight at a time. No shirt, no shoes. Fights will go on as long as they have to. If this is […]

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Time-Travel and Fish Vengeance: They Just Don’t Mix

July 28, 2014

46 Comments

Oh, Time Cop, right, the one with the splits and the cupboard... that one.

This is a recent, and real, posting on Craigslist, here where I live.  I’ve kept it exactly as is, except for removing information which might reveal identity or contact information: In need of a time travel companion (please take this seriously) I have a functioning time machine I know it sounds unbelievable, but “I assure […]

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Rejected Novel Titles: Revealed!

June 23, 2014

40 Comments

Title: Eat, Pray, Love ; Rejected Title: Read, Binge, Sulk Title: 100 Years Of Solitude; Rejected Title: 100 Years of People With The Same Name So You Can’t Keep Track Of Squat  Title: The Great Gatsby; Rejected Title: How Gatsby Got His Groove Back (and then got shot in a swimming pool) Title: Things Fall […]

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If Kids’ Stories Were Internet Headlines…

May 19, 2014

41 Comments

#8 - people don't usually cackle and rub their hands together as you eat if the apple ISN'T poisoned.

The itsy-bitsy spider went up a water-spout – and then things got crazy. This little girl found 3 bowls of porridge. What she did next made me cry. This dog, Carl, is freaking AWESOME. This guy grew a beanstalk up to the clouds using this one crazy trick! 18 things wicked women do that drive […]

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Please Hire Me To Be Your Late Night Talk Show Host

April 14, 2014

45 Comments

Poor Paul Rudd.  Poor, poor, poor Paul Rudd...

Whoooaa, now!  Letterman announces his retirement, opening the doors to months of giving our lives meaning by arguing endlessly over who should take over and you just, just, just… name someone?  That’s just mean!  And are you sure you’ve given this enough thought?  And, NBC, on a scale of 1-to-10, how committed are you to […]

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