Tag Archives: Featured

Make Cold Symptoms The Least Of Your Problems! With Happitame!

October 21, 2013

29 Comments

Your life will be like this picture!*  With Happitame!  (*assumes life was already like picture.  Not a guarantee)

Happitame!  For temporary relief of minor symptoms associate with colds and fever.  No more sneezing; watery, itchy eyes; no more congestion, or runny nose.  Enjoy life again: with Happitame! Dosage:  Adults: Take 1 pill twice a day for relief from minor cold symptoms.  Do not exceed 2 pills in a single day.  Also, do not […]

Continue reading...

The 5 Situations In Which It Is Acceptable To Say “That’s So Gay”

April 11, 2013

90 Comments

You haven't seen Miller's Crossing?  Really?  Oh, man, it's fantastic.

Times It Is Acceptable to Say, “That’s So Gay”: You’re trying to tell someone “That’s okay” and you have a pretty bad cold. Someone has just done a spot-on impression of actress Marcia Gay Harden, from Miller’s Crossing. You’re at a Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit. You’re trying to be supportive of a friend who’s recently embraced […]

Continue reading...

One Night In Winnemucca And The World’s Your Oyster

December 11, 2012

96 Comments

Slide12

A while back I wrote about one of the first paid stand-up comedy gigs I ever had, in the lovely Winnemucca, Nevada.  (Here, if you want a little context for today’s story)  At the end of it, I mentioned a guy from the casino taking us out to show us Winnemucca’s “nightlife.”  I said it […]

Continue reading...

The Thin Triplicate Line Between Society and Chaos

June 5, 2012

41 Comments

Say hello to my little 3-year lease!

“…There shall be no use of illegal drugs on the premises by the lessee, or associates of the lessee, subject to immediate nullification of the rental contract…” – clause in standard rental agreements * Scenario 1: Landlord: And in here you’ll see the main room.  Fireplace works, we just ask that you get the chimney […]

Continue reading...

Never Say “Never Say Never.”

June 4, 2012

66 Comments

Or, to be more accurate:  Han shot. Period.  "First" implies that Greedo got to do any shooting.

I will never try to make you understand how I feel through interpretive dance. I will never utter the phrase, “this has too much cheese on it.” If we’re in traffic together, and the 2-lane is ending, and the rest of us are merging every other car, like civilized adults, and you gun it to […]

Continue reading...

Secrets of Magic: Revealed!

May 8, 2012

58 Comments

Custodian, clean up on stage, please.  We're going to need some sawdust and the wet/dry vac on stage, please.

The trick:  Sawing the lady in half.  A woman is placed in a narrow box.  The box is then sliced in half.  The two sections are separated and the woman is still able to move her toes.  The halves are then put back together and the woman emerges unharmed. How it’s done: It’s a little […]

Continue reading...

This Is Just To Say…

April 17, 2012

36 Comments

Oh, hey, is this your house?  Crazy.

“This Is Just To Say” By William Carlos Williams I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox   and which you were probably saving for breakfast   Forgive me they were delicious so sweet and so cold   This is Just To Say… Under no circumstances eat The plums That are in The […]

Continue reading...

And If There’s Anything I’ve Forgotten, I Apologize For That, Too. And For Forgetting To Apologize. Sorry.

January 22, 2012

25 Comments

Obviously, as awesome a cow as i would have been, there's only so much I could have done.

I would like to take this moment to offer a sincere, public and redemptive apology for my recent comments.  I in no way meant them.  And while I stand by my assertion that some of them were taken out of context, and others I was tricked in to saying, I regret any hurt they may […]

Continue reading...

Please Hire Me To Be An Astronaut

November 18, 2011

28 Comments

Did you know Saturn isn't spherical, but actually ovoid?  No?  Hm.  I'll send you a postcard from space.

Dear NASA, I read this morning that you are currently taking applications to be an astronaut.  I was under the impression you were making a lot of cutbacks so I’m not sure how this is possible, but I stopped reading after the “Now Hiring” part because I wanted to get my resume in right away. […]

Continue reading...

The Adventures of Stoic Man and Impulse Girl

November 11, 2011

31 Comments

"When we get to the border just play it cool, because we don't have passports."

Hey, everyone, how are things?  How’s your week?  Anything interesting happen?  Uh-huh.  Uh-huh.  Uh-huh.  Wow, that’s great but Oh my god listen to what happened to me! So, my mother-in-law has gone out of town for a few days, and we’ve been taking care of her house – feeding the pets, picking up mail, feeding […]

Continue reading...

A Memoir Of Courage: The Day The Internet Went Down

October 31, 2011

53 Comments

Hey, uh, I'm so bored and... um... I'm a cat... I... I like fish.

8:12 am.  Wake up.  Get some breakfast.  Check email.  Hm.  Internet appears to be down. Odd. Maybe the wireless modem got knocked over. 8:14am.  Modem is simply not working.  Why isn’t the modem working?  Will call tech support. 8:17 am.   “Mary” says the modem is broken and they have to ship another one.  It’ll […]

Continue reading...
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 11,323 other followers