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Please Hire Me To Be Your Late Night Talk Show Host

April 14, 2014

45 Comments

Poor Paul Rudd.  Poor, poor, poor Paul Rudd...

Whoooaa, now!  Letterman announces his retirement, opening the doors to months of giving our lives meaning by arguing endlessly over who should take over and you just, just, just… name someone?  That’s just mean!  And are you sure you’ve given this enough thought?  And, NBC, on a scale of 1-to-10, how committed are you to […]

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Please Hire Me To Wiretap Your Phone Calls And Emails

June 25, 2013

44 Comments

Seriously. Snowden.  How hard would it be to snap a quick self-portrait?  America's going to turn on you because they're tired of this photo.

I’d been pretty on the fence about what to think of all this NSA surveillance, and then I heard someone make the most logical point I’ve ever heard: he reasoned that the NSA says it’s stopped 50 terrorist attacks.  Then he pointed out that 3,000 people died in the 9/11 attacks.  Thus, ergo, Quad Erat […]

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Please Hire Me To Be A Twisty Human Car Model

March 25, 2013

51 Comments

Emma Hack's work... Byronic Man, sadly, not pictured.

Ah, I see that you, Australian artist Emma hack, are working on another “automobile made of painted people.”  There’s also those Canadian Ford ads doing something similar. Tough stuff, getting the right people for something like that.  Got to go for the top tier of models.  Sure, the people you got for the previous one […]

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Please Hire Me To Be Your Lawyer

January 24, 2013

71 Comments

I don't know.  Dictionaries?  Encyclopedias?

I’ve been looking over your case and, I have to tell you, I think it looks very strong.  With my help, not only will you be hailed as a hero, but we’ll both get very rich. Ah, but perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself.  I know there are lawyers just everywhere, so why, you might […]

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Please Hire Me To Write Your Concession Speech

November 10, 2012

41 Comments

Honestly, I can’t imagine much harder than giving a political concession speech.  To put that much of yourself in to something, that much money that much time, and then to lose and have to walk out in front of the cameras right then – not even get a day to drink a bottle of tequila, […]

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Please Hire Me To Be Your Presidential Candidate

September 10, 2012

66 Comments

Okay.  So.  Well.  The political conventions are over and, I’ll be honest, I was a little hurt that neither party made me their presidential candidate for the upcoming election.  I know the two main candidates have gotten a lot of hype and media attention, and I’ve decided that the problem is that I haven’t made […]

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Please Hire Me To Write Your Sequel

August 2, 2012

64 Comments

"No time for love, Dr. Jones" indeed!  Ha ha ha!  Oh, can you even imagine how bad Temple of Doom would have been without Short Round?  Well, it was terrible anyways, but that would have left Kate Capshaw to do all the migraine-inducing shrieking on her own!

Well, summer is shifting to its latter half now, with the coming of August.  And with it, the realization that there just isn’t enough time for all those lazy days, those projects, and those trips as you always think there will be.  Also, it’s time for Hollywood to begin the slimy, crass calculations to determine […]

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Please Hire Me To Be Your Doctor

June 19, 2012

79 Comments

You have a lot of choices about who you see for you medical needs, and – of course – when it comes to your health, you want the very best.  And that’s me.  Yes, I realize the “in the box” thinkers will tell you that you should see someone who’s been to “medical school” and […]

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Please Hire Me To Be A “Job Creator”

May 21, 2012

69 Comments

Lately, in this election year, we see more and more talk about the need for employment, as well as a lot of talk about fair taxation.  Many argue the solution lies in focusing our attention on – not the “rich,” how dare you use that term?  That’s a hateful term.  The solution lies in liberating […]

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Please Hire Me To Be A Supreme Court Justice

April 26, 2012

58 Comments

The Supreme Court seems to be having some trouble lately.  Justices not showing up for work, having inadequate experience, sitting there silently for 6-year spans of time (that would be Thomas).  Maybe they need some new blood.  Someone to shake things up.  Someone who would bring a new approach to law. Someone like me. Why […]

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Please Hire Me To Be A Member of SEAL Team 6

February 7, 2012

48 Comments

SEAL Team 6, you may recall, is the unit that stormed Osama bin Laden’s compound and killed him.  You may have also seen that they recently rescued to hostages who’d been held by Somali pirates since October.  This is so amazingly bad-ass, that I have decided that I should be part of their team.  But, […]

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