The Thin Triplicate Line Between Society & Chaos

March 3, 2014

Humor

“…There shall be no use of illegal drugs on the premises by the lessee, or associates of the lessee, subject to immediate nullification of the rental contract…”
- clause in standard rental agreements
*
Scenario 1:
Landlord: And in here you’ll see the main room.  Fireplace works, we just ask that you get the chimney cleaned once a year.  Ceiling fan controls are over here.

Oh, sweetie, great job! I’ll bet almost no light or air will get in at all!

Man: Oh, this is fantastic.  Look at those hardwood floors!
Woman: This is beautiful.  Oh, honey, won’t those big windows look great with sheets of plywood nailed up over them? 
Landlord: Excuse me?
Man: I was thinking the same thing!  And this corner, I think, would be perfect for defecating in.  
Woman:  Do you happen to know how many soiled mattresses and filthy sleeping bags will fit in the bedroom?
Landlord: What?  How should I—what exactly are you planning to do to this place?
Man: Crack-house.
Woman: I wanted an opium den but…
Landlord: Whoa, whoa, whoa – check the rental agreement.
Man: mumble mumble mumble subletting mumble mumble no illegal drugs?! 
Woman:  Damn! Well, honey let’s move on.
Landlord: Crisis?  Averted.

*

Scenario 2:
Renter: Well, this place looks just perfect!  This second bedroom, with the good, old-fashioned thick walls?  Love it.
Landlord: Now, just so you know, there’s no illegal drugs allowed.

And hey, your apartment complex might get to be on TV!

Renter:  Oh, none of that for me.  Between working full-time, my bridge club, the serial-killing – not to mention I’m something of a weekend arson enthusiast – I don’t have any time or use for that nonsense.
Landlord: Serial killer?
Renter: Yup!  Everybody loves a serial killer, right?  But I’ll soundproof the heck out of that back room.  When the police inevitably catch me I promise the neighbors will say, “He was always such a quiet guy!”
Landlord: Oh.
Renter: Nothing in that contract about arson and murder, right?
Landlord: Well… no…

*

Scenario 3:

Say hello to my Inferior Quality Rental Agreement!

Renter: So, I’m not going to be around for the next, ah, seven to ten years, but I was really hoping to hang on to the place.  My lease is for 3 more years, and I could probably pay for another two beyond that right now.  Cash okay?
Landlord: Well, I –
Renter: You’re not trying to violate the lease are you?  I’d hate to sue.  Here.  Here’s $75,000 in cash.
Landlord: *Gasp* My God.
Renter: Oh, calm down.  Yes, it’s soaked in cocaine, gun-powder residue, and blood. It still spends, doesn’t it?
Landlord: I knew I should have used the standard rental contract!
Renter: Yeah, well, you didn’t.

*

Scenario 4:
Landlord: Are you doing illegal drugs in here?
Deadbeat Renter: No.
Landlord: Really?
Deadbeat Renter: No.
Landlord: Really?
Deadbeat Renter:  … Yes.
Landlord:  A-ha! You’re out of here!  Reverend, looks like we’ve got a place for those orphans, after all!
Orphans: Yay!

*

No, don’t thank me. Thank… The Rental Agreement.

Scenario 5:
Renter: My life has fallen to crap.  Hate my job; girlfriend left me.  I’ve accomplished nothing… I just want to escape it all.  Numb the pain.  Maybe it’s time I just started doing heroin.  Be done with all this.  Yeah, yeah, that’s what I think I’ll… wait a minute…  what am I saying?  These high ceilings… my little back deck… the gas stove… No!  No, I can’t lose this place!  Why, I’m going to channel this sadness in to helping the needy!  And, gosh, it’s been years since I’ve done any ceramics!  I wonder if anyone around here could teach me the trumpet?  Yeah!  God bless you, rental contract!
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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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16 Comments on “The Thin Triplicate Line Between Society & Chaos”

  1. colin Says:

    That’s too funny.

    Reply

  2. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    I imagine there are going to be some dilemmas in CO and WA now because those fiendish, insane, violent lot users can ignore those clauses…

    Reply

  3. 1pointperspective Says:

    On a semi-related topic; it’s interesting that we’re pushing to legalize marijuana with nearly the same zeal with which we’re outlawing smoking tobacco. This has got to put landlords in an awkward spot.

    Reply

  4. silkpurseproductions Says:

    As a renter, I can tell you I have seen some pretty weird rental agreements. I always want to say, “What kind of people did you have in here before?”

    Reply

  5. susielindau Says:

    For a very short time we rented out a house. The very nice family turned into house and furniture trashing squatters from hell!

    Reply

  6. pegoleg Says:

    Scenario 5 is the reason that clause was written into the standard rental agreement. To help people straighten out their lives. It’s been a resounding success on the level with Public Service Announcements sponsored by the Ad Council.

    Reply

  7. BrainRants Says:

    I see I’ve lived quite a sheltered, military life. Holy crap.

    Reply

  8. Maggie O'C Says:

    “yeah, well you didn’t” hahahaha

    Reply

  9. Michael Says:

    I’m going to law school right now; in my first year property class I got to do a mock rental agreement. I don’t remember if we put in a clause about illegal drugs. Obviously we should have.

    Reply

  10. List of X Says:

    Wasn’t this a re-post? Or are you messing with my head? Because it’s not a part of the standard rental agreement

    Reply

  11. kitchenmudge Says:

    Tenant: “Lemme show you how a cigarette can be a good 5-minute fuse for a bomb….”
    Landlord: “Counterfeit tax stamp on that pack of smokes, You’re outta here.”

    Reply

  12. zareenn3 Says:

    You have been nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award! Please follow the link to see the rules! http://zarinaqvi.wordpress.com/2014/03/28/spread-the-awards/
    ENJOY!

    Reply

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