For This I Am Tha–EVERYONE SHUT UP, I’M TRYING TO GIVE THANKS!

November 26, 2013

Humor

I am thankful to have the whole family together this holiday evening, especially those who haven’t spoken to each other for so long, to share this special meal.

I am thankful for this wonderful looking turkey, and the honor of carving it.

I am thankful to hear the constant, joyful, piercing shriek of so many children.  I didn’t know so many relatives had so many children.  Just, really, it seems like there are hundreds of them.  Wow.  So, I’m thankful for that, too.

I am thankful that uncle Andy is enjoying the wine so much.  Save some for the rest of us, uncle Andy!  Ha ha.

I am thankful for this knife, which apparently has a heart full of hate for meat.

I am thankful for this impressive electric knife someone brought to carve the turkey with.  And I am thankful for how well it works!  Holy Cow!

I am thankful that the turkey shrapnel cleaned from the walls with little fuss.

I am thankful that the thousands of children in my house find the fact that the knife also took off part of my pinky to be so delightful and that they have all taken to repeating what I said when the knife went in to my finger.

I am thankful that we keep so much gauze in our home.

I am thankful that cousin Ruth is speaking to Aunt Laura for the first time in 4 years, and clearing the air.

I am thankful that Ruth is explaining that Laura misunderstood Ruth’s meaning when she said that Laura’s ass looked like the first waffle from the maker that you throw out.

See, everyone likes waffles, right? It’s… you know… a compliment!  Waffles!

I am thankful that Laura is expressing sympathy and understanding for Ruth being such a bitch.

I am thankful that the mashed potatoes are ready right now.

Oh, well, actually I am thankful that they’re not ready, as scalding-hot mashed potatoes could have really done some damage to Ruth’s and Laura’s faces, and my new suit.

I am thankful that uncle Andy feels comfortable enough to share his unusual – and rather dedicated –  political views.

Waldorf Salad: Tastes great AND makes for a soft landing!

I am thankful that Andy has passed out before his speech on “the mongrel races” really hit its stride, and I am thankful that the Waldorf salad was there to cushion his face from hitting the table.

I am thankful that the army of screaming children have learned the interesting effects that a bowl of gravy has on a Bose stereo.

I am thankful that an electric knife does no real damage when it’s been jerked from the wall-socket and thrust at Aunt Laura.

I am thankful that cousin Peter is a man who is unafraid to cry.  Loudly, and for no clear reason.

I am thankful to grandma for explaining why the family never gets together.

I am thankful for my wife thanking everyone for coming and helping them be careful that the door not hit anyone in the ass as they exit.

I am thankful to have a whole pumpkin pie to eat while I watch Heaven Can Wait on TV.

Seriously, if you’ve never seen 1978′s Heaven Can Wait…

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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37 Comments on “For This I Am Tha–EVERYONE SHUT UP, I’M TRYING TO GIVE THANKS!”

  1. angelajardine Says:

    I am thankful that you have written this post and made me feel soooo much better about my own family skeletons. :D

    Reply

  2. Shievani Says:

    i am thankful u made me smile so much all through the post :)

    Reply

  3. morninrays Says:

    LOVE THIS !!! … I am thankful that I can come here and find such awesome souls, and beautiful stories ! Happy Thanksgiving to all you Americas ! Us canadians celebrated a couple months ago ;) Cheers to a belly full of turkey, family, and all the mixed blessings in our lives ;)

    Reply

  4. Teepee12 Says:

    Home for the Holidays … time for my annual viewing.

    Reply

  5. BrainRants Says:

    I’m thankful for the wisdom of age to know that all families are dysfunctional in one way or another.

    Reply

  6. The Cutter Says:

    Uncle Andy sounds like fun!

    Reply

  7. Eagle-Eyed Editor Says:

    They have those big plastic tarps — maybe you could erect a one-man tent around the turkey to protect the walls from turkey shrapnel? Just an idea.

    Reply

  8. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    I just blasted stores for being open on Thanksgiving. Guess we should be thankful there’s somewhere to send “loving” relatives.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming, that this was the goal all along – to take a day of being grateful for what we have, and turn it in to a consumerist frenzy of unneeded acquisition – and I’m shocked and disgusted anyway.

      Reply

  9. mistyslaws Says:

    I really hope that the door didn’t hit Laura on HER ass. It’s hell to scrape syrup off of doors. Then, you would have to be thankful for industrial strength cleansers.

    Reply

  10. The World Is My Cuttlefish Says:

    I have never had a Thanksgiving. It seemed like such a good idea…

    Reply

  11. PinotNinja Says:

    Haha! The Thanksgiving Toddler Mob is the stuff of nightmares and has caused me to spend many a holiday hiding in a distant corner with a bottle of wine and a pie for comfort.

    Reply

  12. Fresh Ginger Says:

    I am thankful that everyone else’s family is just as weird as mine. :) And, p.s., this was gold “the first waffle from the maker that you throw out.”

    Reply

  13. Michael Says:

    I have to admit, I admire cousin Ruth’s imaginative choice of metaphor. I would not have associated waffles with that particular part of one’s anatomy.

    Reply

  14. Maggie O'C Says:

    I am thankful that someone else loves Heaven Can Wait. I can’t believe you didn’t serve up some liver and whey shakes.

    Reply

  15. speaker7 Says:

    That is the perfect way to spend Thanksgiving. I’m talking about the alone with pie and movie.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I’m leaning heavily toward “Planes, Train, and Automobiles” this year. Past years have also included “Smokey & The Bandit” and “The Muppet Movie.” I take the Thanksgiving movie very seriously.

      Reply

  16. Blogdramedy Says:

    I am thankful that you are around to remind us to watch “Heaven Can Wait.” Because I just bought the DVD yesterday and that is just too much of a coincidence. You’re like the Good Turkey Fairy.

    Reply

  17. Southern Sea Muse Says:

    OMG, you’ve been embedded in my family for decades and are just NOW reporting the sordid details?! Thank you for sparing me the embarrassment until now.

    Reply

  18. Elyse Says:

    Somehow, I think that we all manage to push off heaven for a little while during the holidays. But I think I’m going to watch that movie again … it will be a good distraction from my sister-in-law the vegan vegetarian bird lover birthday girl.

    I do love me the holidays.

    Reply

  19. rambling jill Says:

    I love the subtlety of the Kingsize Big and Tall ad following your holiday post. We certainly won’t grow taller, but many of us may grow bigger.

    Thanks for all the thoughtful posts.

    Reply

  20. Snoring Dog Studio Says:

    Family! We’re so odd. We fill our homes with these people during special days of the year and somehow we all manage not to shove a couple into the oven. I hope I can find some alone time with pumpkin pie, too. Not the Paleo one my brother in law is making, however.

    Reply

  21. silkpurseproductions Says:

    Sounds like a pretty ordinary Thanksgiving to me. Yes, I am thankful for that. Have a good one.

    Reply

  22. Distinguished Malcontent Says:

    That thing about Uncle Andy and the mongrel races really made me laugh. I’ve had a few family reunions that have suddenly turned racist for no adequately explained reason.

    Reply

  23. Sandy Sue Says:

    And I’m thankful that you didn’t use a picture of my waffle ass (not so much blueberry and seven grain, though).

    Reply

  24. Charlene Woodley Says:

    I am thankful that I was not drinking while reading this as at one point or another I would have surely choked to death from laughing. Yes – all families have issues, but at the end of the day – still family. I really enjoyed this! Happy Holidays!!

    Reply

  25. Aussa Lorens Says:

    This is a truly beautiful portrait of the traditional American family. Bravo to you, sir! The comment about the waffle… she gets points for creativity but daaaaamn.

    Reply

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