Look, there’s no question about it. This situation in Syria is complicated and disturbing, top to bottom, start to finish. And anyone who says they know exactly what to do either doesn’t have all the information, or is lying.
Which is why you need me. Because I know exactly what to do.
But don’t just take my word for it. Why should you please hire me to solve the Syrian crisis?
I can find Syria on a map. If someone asks where it is, I’ll look at a map and say, “Duh. It’s right there.” And wave my hand in the general vicinity west of Iran.
Ice-breakers will be no problem, because I’ve got a bunch of “You might be from As-Sukhnah if…” jokes I’ve been waiting to break out.
I have an 11-month old who is ridiculously cute. If she starts giggling everyone in the region will be all, “Oh, I can’t stay mad.”
Two words: Motivational rap.
If the topic of sarin comes up, I’ll mention ricin, which will turn the conversation to Breaking Bad, and you bet your ass that’s all anyone will be talking about from then on.
There’s a lot of question about military intervention. Obviously, this has a terrible dark side. But if we sent in troops with t-shirt cannons and paintball guns? All smiles.
People have thought I was a lot of different nationalities, including once, two Turkish people thought I was Turkish. And that’s near Syria. And that probably counts for something.
When the topic turns to the civil war, and Assad’s attacks, I’ll point out that “War is bad for children and other living things.” And we’ll all have a good think on that.
One of the dangers of ousting Assad is opening the field to even more dangerous extremists. But if, in the process of running for president, we included a “Are you dangerous?” checkbox? Problem: solved.
I’ll bring a lot of shrimp and different dipping sauces. If the conversation gets tense, I’ll just loudly turn the conversation to the shrimp until everyone forgets what we were talking about. Because everyone loves shrimp, and if anyone doesn’t you can be all, “Say whaaaat? Who doesn’t like shrimp? That’s crazy talk!”
Hey, Syria’s not in the middle east, is it? Oh, shit. Really?
The president’s name isn’t pronounced “Ah-SAHD” it’s pronounced “AH-sahd.” When I say it correctly, bingo. We’re buddies and he listens to everything I say.
I can try to make them see the, um… the thing with… what was I saying? Sorry, I just keep thinking about Breaking Bad.