Hello, sweetie! Wait, don’t come in, I have Valentine’s surprises aplenty waiting for you. Close your eyes. No cheating! Okay, I’ll lead you in. No, just leave your things out here on the stoop; they’ll be fine. Yes, I know your laptop is in your bag, it’ll be perfectly safe. Those kids smoking over there will keep an eye on it.
Aaaaand, a step up, a couple to the left… okay, ready for the first surprise? Open your eyes! Ta-da! I’ve drawn you a romantic bath! I filled the tub with champagne for a nice, hot champagne bubble bath! Hm? No, of course champagne doesn’t bubble like that. Dish soap! I know you don’t like froofy scented bubble bath, so I used dish soap, just for you! Real champagne, though. Ooh la la.
It is too a thing. A “champagne bath.” It is so, it’s a…!
No, it doesn’t sound appealing right now. That’s okay.
I made dinner for us, too! Sort of. It, well, there were some problems with… maybe you heard all those sirens earlier? Long story short: we’re ordering pizza, and I’m going to be on the news! But the important part is you get pizza. As for toppings? Ladies choice.
Except no sausage. Their sausage makes me gassy.
Ah, I see you’re looking toward the bedroom. I know what you’re thinking. The grand finale. And right about now you’re asking yourself, ‘What’s that terrible noise and horrific stench?’ And well you might wonder.
You remember how you said you wanted a new dog? Get ready to think I’m the greatest partner in the world as you say hello to your thirty-seven new dogs! Each named for a reason that I love you!
I had fifty reasons, but there just weren’t that many dogs at the pound.
That’s “The Sparkle In Your Eyes,” that one’s “The Little Murmur Sound You Make When You’re Dreaming,” that one’s, um, maybe “How Excited You Get At Christmas”? Maybe?
Look at ‘em! Aren’t they cute? STOP THAT. “YOUR SMILE,” “THE TIME WE MADE GNOCCHI;” BAD DOGS.
Well, not all thirty-seven are going to get along, you have to be realistic about that.
That? Um, I’m pretty sure that was the bedspread. Wow. They made quick work of that, didn’t they? Ha ha! What? You’re going to have to talk louder. What do you mean ‘Why are they in the bedroom?’? As opposed to where? The bathroom? Spatially, that’s just not logical.
No, the windows are already open. The firemen opened all of them when they were here. I think that smell’s about as good as it’s going to get. Well, except they’ll dry off, obviously. From the kiddie pool, of course; how else would they have gotten so wet? – oh, they’ve popped the pool, that’s why you can’t see it. Yeah, I went and got a kidde pool for them. Uh, ever try to find a dog bowl for thirty-seven? Instead of complaining, how about “Way to problem solve?”
Okay, sweetie, you get acquainted with your new pals. I’m off to light some candles – oh, wait, they confiscated those. But I’m going to set a romantic mood and set up a movie for us to watch. Your choice: either A Fistful Of Dollars or this National Geographic video about Egypt. Everything else got a little damaged when the firemen smashed out that wall for ventilation.
And, sweetie? Happy Valentine’s day.